Ingenue Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Since I’ve joined LS, I’ve strictly advocated NC, applying the same method of healing to my own life. I was proud that yesterday was 138 days of NC. I did something yesterday night that I’m not sure was the best. The other day I posted about ripping up the photographs of my ex and our relationship. While I felt miserable immediately afterwards, the next day I felt a sense of release. While he was in my life for 5 years, it was as if ripping the photos gave me a symbolic release. The memories will always be with me and the objects that housed those memories didn’t quite have the hold they once did. That evening, against my better judgement, I logged onto messenger. I had previously blocked my ex, deleted my ex and had uninstalled the application from my computer. But yesterday I reinstalled it because I needed to prove to myself that even if I logged on and happened to speak to my ex, I would be okay. So I logged on and my ex did ring me up. And we spoke. There wasn’t malice in our conversation, it was just reminiscing, talking about what had happened, the downfalls in the relationship. He apologised for breaking up with me via email and in some ways this conversation was a bit like a closure talk. I learned that he was struggling just as I was and that he wasn’t off gallivanting about town with the flavour of the week. It somehow comforted me that despite how things ended, I was and still am a big part of his life. I’m not implying that we get closure from others, but despite 5 months of NC with my ex, I always still had lingering questions about my role in the relationship. I am tired of being angry with myself and him because that is not who I am. An indelible part of humanity is having the capacity to forgive ourselves and others. I know that some of you will chastise me for responding to his message, for breaking NC and setting back my healing; you are probably right in that respect and I hope that if and when I fall, you will give me the guidance to help pick the pieces up again. But right now, I have this overwhelming sense of peace that’s washing through me. We both love each other a lot. It’s a viscereal type of connection that we have with each other and yesterday as I was speaking to him, I felt that and he did too. But I think we both realise the circumstances surrounding our relationship didn’t work. The factors didn’t quite mesh perfectly. As misguided as my belief is, somehow knowing that we both love each other (even if it’s false) and it didn’t work has given me a sense of calm. We can both now move on with our lives. I would like to be friends with him in the future because life is too short to be an angry woman. So now I ask whether I made a terrible mistake in having that conversation for it defies the very logic of NC. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I feel like I don’t have to be angry with him anymore. Will I regret this contact in the future or have I reached that place where moving on is more important that lingering in sadness?
TeaAbraham Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Only you know if you are at that point where you feel you have moved on, and you can speak to each other without pain or suffering. That you can love each other on a different level and be civil with one another. It sounds like he is not a terrible guy, as many of the ex's here (including mine) are. That he is struggling just as you are. That it means something to him too is great, and while maybe as a relationship it didn't work out, it is good to see that you two are both caring people. My ex told me she wasn't in love with me romantically anymore, but she still loved me on another level, and that on that other level she loves me more than anything in the world. That really didn't make me feel any better, because I was/am still in love with her on every level, and it is causing me more pain. So the point is that it is so important that you two are both on the same page, talking about the same love. Do you feel as if you could slip back into his love if he gave you the opportunity? If you do you are probably not ready to talk to him again. But if you feel resolved that you love him on a different level now, no matter what happens, perhaps you can. Just don't lie to yourself!! Be truthful to yourself about your emotions. Look deep down inside of you and find out how you REALLY feel. Don't let hopes or fears or a need to be comforted stand in the way. Otherwise it will be worse in the long-run. It's hard to go against these primal emotions, but going on first instinct is not always the best thing to do in any situation. But it sounds like this is something you thought through. I personally would not trust myself if I felt I was ready because if I feel alright one day, I know that I have been going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, so the strength and the readiness I feel to speak with my ex and move on may be fleeting. But maybe you have stopped riding that rollercoaster. Even if you feel as if you are at a point where you are ready to move on, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be seeing or speaking with him again. Don't feel as if the only time you will be ready to move on is when you feel you can speak with him. Moving on is moving past him. You may be ready to move on, but talking with him could destroy that. There are so many different choices you have in life. There are so many different opportunities and avenues you can take that would ALL make you happy. There is not just ONE road to happiness. You do not need to feel like you need to be able to speak with him to know you are over him and to be happy. But if that is the avenue you wish to take, that is up to you. There are different roads to living a wonderful life, you are the one who has to decide which is the road YOU want to take.
hereandnow Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Great post TA. My ex gf gave me the same "fell out of romantic love" line. That's so common I can't believe it. It's been 4 weeks for me. 3 days NC.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I think only you can really say if your decision was a good one or not. I suppose, if I was in your position, hearing my ex had not in fact ran off with other women would make me pretty happy. Your relationship was meaningful enough to him that he needed to heal as well. My personal fear, and I am not sure if this is yours, is that 5, 6, 7... however many months from now I next talk to my ex, if the conversation went as yours did - would I start looking for a second chance? I hope by then (if it happens) I'm healed enough to stay away. Breaking NC for you could either be great closure, or ripping that door of hurt right open. Of course we'll be here for you if need be! Hopefully though, you are one step closer to healed and happy!
JooLee Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 personally, i dont think you made a mistake in talking to him. i understand truly what you mean. life is too short to be angry. i feel you have decided to let go (ripping up the pics and deciding to prove to yourself where you stand in this moving on stage). im sure your intentions in talking to him is not to get back together but to just have a certain kind of closure. and in you forgiving yourself, and forgiving him, it is indeed releasing. And you got what you wanted.. knowing that you were important to him helps. dont look at it as a setback but more as a closure. i had this experience with one of my ex. i still loved him and i knew he still loved me, but things could never work out, and i left feeling sadness but relief ; that now i can look straight ahead, because the past has already cleared itself out. and perharps this is what you needed to move on. i think right now, you're thinking you're suppose to feel either excited or miserable, but instead you're confused but at the same time calm (which explains your question to this post) and you're surprised at how you are reacting. (im guessing, correct me if im wrong). i think its a good thing, because now you can really analyse how you feel and where you stand, and what you should do next.. forgiving is a healing process, but you should be wise not to let him step on your head again. the choice is yours.. whether you will regret it or not.. definitely he'll have a place in your heart but you know you have to keep moving. you've come this far... dont give up. blah! i dont know if im making sense but i hope it helps.
Author Ingenue Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 Thank you all for your sage words of wisdom. My very rational head told me I was ready to speak to him. It had almost been 5 months since the break up and I had fully and completely accepted that we would not, nor ever be together. He was my best friend before we dated and he will be in the future as well. This is what my rational, logical, think-it-through head told me. Unfortunately, after a day or two of being calm and peaceful, I've been crying for some good solid hours and my heart obviously is not listening to my head much. It doesn't make sense. My head is ready, it's been ready for some time, but here I sit, with tissues piling up around me and the realisation that my heart still hurts. It doesn't make sense. I'm hoping that it's just a cathartic release of tears for memories in the past and that I can continue my positive mindset towards writing the next chapter of my life. But the pessimistic side of me thinks all signs suggest my communication with him was a mistake. It was too soon and emotions are rarely if ever rational. Clearly, somebody needs to slap me upside the head and tell me never to listen to myself again.
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