Jay34 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 me and my girlfriends relationship was so great, we were long distance but we had dreams, dreams of being together forever, we talked 10 hours once something i have never done with anyone, i pushed her away horribly, since i never loved myself. i used to say things like im pathetic how could you ever love me, and she just reassured me for months on end, i didn't see her until it was so far gone and now i can tell it is not the same thing have been bad for the past 5 months, ever since she went home from college she has been a different person, she has new friends, she is going to clubs and she has really changed, she kissed another guy before we met but i was still very hurt because we made a point of being faithful, i forgave her, the thing is since that point things are totally different with her her other friends are more important and she lies about missing my calls, i don't think she is cheating again but i know things aren't right, we had a bit of a falling out i dumped her but within 2 weeks we were back together back in august i see myself becoming a doormat for the past few months, i know this may be too far gone, but how can i gain back my self respect for myself and get her back into my life, not just physically, emotionally, i doubt the cheating would have occured if i was with her in person. she just doesn't seem to care for me like she did, she is kind of stringing me along and it hurts. i guess the reason i am still holding on is because i treated her badly for many months, i was on a constant up and down because of my situation, and looking back she never abandoned me, never said i can't take this, she just tried to help the best she knew how. i didn't show the self confidence in myself and i only saw her 2 times over a period of a year, yet we talked every day for nearly 5 hours, but the fact is i had oppurtunities to see her as she did not and i didn't out of thinking she was too good for me. i have done my best to prove that i have changed that and i will make my efforts, but now she is the one that doesn't seem to care, she has become mean, hurtful and insensitive, a lot of the things i was to her. i realize it may be way too far gone as it doesn't seem like anything i do is helping, even after i saw her last, after 2 weeks it went back to the way it was. is it possible to get back that trust and regain what we had, she still see's me as the only guy she ever trusted and has never been in love like this, now idk if thats the standard line, but it is what she says, she has been known to be manipulative especially at times when she feels she could lose me. i just want to build a mutual bond again, it has gotten to the point where it seems like this is only a relationship because of the name, i mean she is going to clubs, dancing with other guys, i have told her it bothered me she said she would stop but she is pretty insensitive, this would never had been the case 6-7 months ago, we valued each others feelings, if something bothered me i told her and she was willing to change it as was I. so basically since late july things have been not so good, except the visit with her, we had a great time, but right after it went back to the way it was. does anyone have any advice, i am at a breaking point and me and her are not on good terms at the moment, she is ignoring my calls but i know if i step back she will be calling, but in these last 5 months she hasn't been treating me nearly as well. i'm just looking for any advice or opinions on the matter.
nicki Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Why don't you talk to her? Take responsibility for what you did. Ask her how it made her feel. What she wished you had done instead. Tell her that you want to be with her and want to have close relationship with her, but that you realize you might have ruined things with your behavior. Tell her that you notice it seems like she has given up. Ask her if she wants to continue on with you or does she want to break up. Let her know that regardless of whether or not you are with her, that you are going to work on yourself and want to learn from your relationship with her. Basically, get talking. If you are sensitive to her feelings first in the conversation, she will more than likely be willing to listen to your feelings. Either way, the current relationship situation you are in is not good for either of you. Be prepared to walk away if she continues this kind of behavior.
tinogrrl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 The sad reality is that long-distance relationships don't often work out, especially if the distance is long-term. It is much easier to grow apart from a distanced partner, as you are each living very different lives, with different circles of friends. Pushing a loved one away can be irreconcilable, because trust needs to be re-established, and for some that is not possible. This does not justify her actions; if she is unhappy she should either be trying to work it out or break things off. Cheating is not the answer. Talk to her, work this out; things can't continue this way.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 It does sound as though she may have thrown in the towel. I've been in her situation, and I can say that it is very difficult to regain someone's trust and good faith once it's been damaged. But there may still be a chance, and it's worth a shot to try. How about you try writing her a very honest and heart-felt e-mail/letter or two? Take some time to think about what you really want to say. Clear out all the old crap that's bogging you down and try to emphasize a fresh start. When times were hardest with my ex, he was usually able to be very loving and expressive in writing, even when words on the spot failed him. Words on paper/screen stick -- she can go back and read them more than once, reflect on them, and see how she feels about it.
eDave Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 As Ruby said, it is hard to regain the trust and rarely is. I had a similar situation as yours. I made a mistake and kept a secret early on. For 2 years afterwards it was always the 'elephant in the room' and exasperated already present trust issues she had towards 'guys'. My guilt over it was so strong that I too became a doormat and that. It didn't help. Though she said she was over it and didn't care anymore, I was on a very short leash for the duration of the relationship. Hell, what am I saying, I was never let out of the doghouse. And when I was, no matter what I was doing, she did not trust. She essentially put in her back pocket to pull out to justify the insanity of the moment. But that is another rant. My thoughts are these: If she wants this to work out, and you are doing you part, then she had SOME responsibility to at least try and forgive. But I know it was, and is hard when trust is broken and I should have never expected otherwise.
Author Jay34 Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 Well the thing is i did say it was over to her, but it was one of those emotional situations and we agreed after that we were talking again now after that she ignored all of my calls, and then the next day she ignored all of them and told me she was studying and texted me. i caught her in a lie and i basically told her do you trust people that lie to you and she said no and i said me either that is the last i heard from her. nearly 2 days ago, after she said we would talk the next day, she has been playing these games for awhile. this is all based on asking her to delete the guy she cheated on me with from facebook. i had to ask her 3 times and she said she would do it when she got to it. so i said it's over. i was really upset she threw my feelings aside like that the thing is i know she will be back calling me in a week, i don't understand this behavior, it is so childish and manipulative, because i'm sure she just looked at all my calls and decided i won't answer, he called me a lier, even though it's the truth, i had a friend call her from a number and she answered, yet she "missed all my calls" i don't think there is someone else because a week ago everything was fine, i realized i did get mad and maybe overreacted slightly but the fact is it would have taken her 15 seconds to delete me, she knew it bothered me and basically gave me some bs excuse. This girl is so far from the girl i met, i realize i made ton's of mistakes and i pushed her away for months, but still the way she is handling this is far from mature, i mean she was there for me for months and months when i was down and depressed and i was there for her, but somewhere along the line she stopped caring as much, it is like if she doesnt talk to me she comes running back but when she has me pushes me away. i mean she told me to get the flight she wanted to see me and then when i did acted like it was nothing. then after not talking to her all of a sudden she has been excited to see me, it has been a constant roller coaster. i have tried all the emailing nice letters and spilling my feelings, it seems to push her further away, the only time i get anything is when i back off, don't answer her calls and soon after that she is the one calling and messaging, then apologizing, but it all seems selfish, then when she has got me back it goes back to the same crap.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Sorry, but it sounds like things have gone too far. Once you lose faith in your man, it's really hard to have it again. Before my last boyfriend went all weird and commitment-phobic on me, I had a high opinion of him and gave him tons of slack. Once he started screwing up, I just got sick of it, didn't believe in him much anymore, and was skeptical of him. I tried hard to get back to where we started, but he never regained my faith and trust. I think he could have, but he wasn't emotionally smart enough, or smart enough period. I advise you to end the relationship, move on, be single for a while, work on your insecurity and mature some, then enter a new relationship when you are better equipped to make it good.
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