jointheclub Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I've been reading these forums for a while and have been impressed with the LS community, so am going to go ahead and post my story to see if anyone can offer advice and/or other useful feedback. My partner of 13 years came home at the end of July to tell me he was in love with a co-worker he had been having long talks with at work over coffee. He had no apparent plan of what he was going to do after he told me and kept saying stuff like "this could be the biggest mistake of my life" and "let's not do anything for 24 hours" when I tried to suss out if he was just telling me or trying to break up or what -- though also later admitted that his original dream scenario would have been that he could tell me, I would magically not be hurt, and then he could go be with the OW. I got us to counseling the next day, he recommitted to the relationship, cut off contact with OW (as much as possible, since they work together and have to have some contact) and then six days later revealed that he was no longer "in love" with me, and left to stay with a friend to see if he missed me. Realizing what a mess everything was and how long it would straighten out, I moved all of his stuff out of our apartment and into storage and told him to let me know if he decided he wanted to work it out with me, but otherwise I didn't want to speak to him except for logistical reasons over email only. This held until late September and I called to berate him for the numerous text messages he sent to OW while he was supposed to be getting his head together (which I found out when the bill came), and during this conversation he talked about how he couldn't be with anyone else because he was so broken up about missing me and our life together, blah, blah, blah -- but upon further questioning, he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do. There was no further contact (according to my wishes) until a little over a month ago when I broke down and called him to see what was going on. He said (and I believe him) that he was not involved with the OW, his feelings for her were much less intense than they were (though still there) and that when he told friends about our situation he told them he could see getting back together with me. He also made it clear that he recognized that figuring out what to do about us was the priority, and it wasn't a me vs. OW situation. HOWEVER, he was still in such an emotionally tumultuous state that he needed time alone for everything to settle and to be by himself. We agreed to spend some time together (platonically) until he could figure out his feelings. He still sees OW at work but is not spending time with her outside of work to not confuse the issue. I believe he is sincerely trying to figure this out and is trying to be honest with me -- this behavior is completely unlike him, and he has been treated me extremely well for our whole relationship and has told me he has never even had a crush on anyone else (which I really do believe). He describes feeling like he's "cut off" from his feelings for me, and can't really identify when his feelings changed. I know from doing a lot of reading that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phenomenon is a typical affair side effect, as no old love can even compete with the raging hormones from affair-related infatuation, and always looks quite dull by comparison, but of course I can't really know what he's feeling. Anyway, we've only seen each other six times since this new period began, but I do feel he's more comfortable and open with me, though the in-loveness hasn't magically returned. He has been very attentive and is calling me and emailing me a lot, and I have been trying to be very upbeat and friendly so that he can feel comfortable and hopefully his feelings for me will return. We are both in IC, which I think has been helpful, but I can't even get us in relationship counseling and have him totally cut off from OW (which I know would help) because he says he's not even thinking about that stuff now, because he is still recovering emotionally and is still trying to figure out how he feels. However, he is in a sublet to allow for the possibility of a reconciliation (rather than an apartment with a long lease) and has stated numerous times that he wishes it could go back to the way it was and he could undo what he has done. What do you say, LSers? I really love him, and although we were not married, we both reiterated our lifelong commitment to each other many times and were mostly -- he admits this as well -- very happy together and had a good thing going. I am really hoping this will work out, despite how horrendously painful this period of my life has been, and I think there is hope, but I'm curious if anyone out there has any insight for me, especially if they got back together with a WS after getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech.
misternoname Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I knew it was over when my wife gave me the same "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. It was shortly after that I discovered she was having an affair (not her first one unfortunately). We spent months going back and forth trying to decide whether or not to reconcile. In hindsight it was like slowly taking a bandage off an open wound. I wish I had just ripped it off swiftly and saved myself a lot off additional emotional pain. I know this will sound harsh but here's my 2 cents worth of advice...GET OUT!!! Even if he changes his wicked ways, you will spend your remaining time together under a constant shroud of mistrust and paranoia. I've spent years always looking over my shoulder...spying...fretting. It's a sucky way to live. You have the priviledge of being able to walk away without going thru the hassle of a divorce. Life is too damned short to waste it on disloyalty. Pick yourself up, dust off and find a good man that will devote himself only to you...they do exist!
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I won't say "get out"...but I will say tread very, VERY cautiously. There's no rush to recommit to each other. He's got a LOT of learning to go through yet before you should even consider restarting a relationship with him. IF you decide you want to reconcile and resume a relationship with him, I'd heartily recommend good marriage counseling. I'd focus on boundaries that protect your relationships...and specifically what he needs to do to establish them. You also need to discuss what it will take to rebuild trust between you. I'd propose that you just start dating again. Start courting each other again. And see what happens from there. If you opt to go forward after that...consider the counseling to improve any long term relationships you two might have then.
Author jointheclub Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 OWL, I have read your threads about your similar situation with your wife and they gave me hope. Yes, if we were to reconcile, absolutely we would date/court again before recommitting and I would need some kind of confirmation that he has learned from this. I know he has already learned about emotional boundaries in relationships, and admitted from the get-go that he behaved wrongly and understands now that cheating is not only physical...that does give me hope. And yes, MC would be an absolute must. I was wondering, also, since your wife gave you the "I'm falling out of love with you..." speech, how long it was before she decided she truly loved you again. Misternoname, I can appreciate your perspective, and you may well be right. However, this is definitely not a serial offense, and I am cutting some slack for the previous 13 years of very good behavior. I think the hard thing is, I realize now, when our mates describe their feelings to us we can't ever know what they mean...we can only go by their actions, and I'll have to see what his actions will be here.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Well, the difference in my case was that my wife never had the chance to really solidify her feelings for OM. They talked on the phone for hours, and on the computer for months...but never got the chance for that 'face to face'. And, her affair was definitely <6 months total. The length of time and proximity play a large factor in how long it takes for the feelings for the spouse to return. I got very lucky. I don't believe that my wife ever REALLY fell out of love with me. What she WAS doing was focusing her attention on the love that was building for OM. And that did lessen our bond...but, it never broke completely, and her love for me was in fact much, much stronger than she realized at the time. Given that...it was about 4-6 weeks after the affair ended before she "chose" to be with me. She was still terribly conflicted for several months afterwards, but didn't change her mind in that regard. Her feelings of love for me came back pretty quickly after that 4-6 week timeframe, but it took much longer for her to change her views/feelings about her OM. It was at least a year before she finally realized that what she and OM shared was a far cry from a 'real' love that was comparable to her love for me. In your case, he's got a long road ahead of him yet. He's got to PROVE his trustworthiness to you. He's got to PROVE that he's NC with OW, and that he wants a relationship with you. Like I suggested...for now, simply work on rebuilding the friendship and maybe start courting each other again. DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.
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