lost_in_life_again Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I can't even begin to say how comforting it is to have found this site and to know that there are others out there feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I was recently seeing a MM for two months. He's a man that I have known for nearly three years; a man that I bowl with every week for nine months out of the year. Prior to this season (which started in September), he and I barely spoke. I can remember a few times that he made advances or asked me out to dinner, but I quickly shot him down saying, "You're married." Up until last October, I was married, too. So bowling started in September and now that I'm single, I've been more receptive to men flirting. We had numerous conversations for the first couple of weeks about marriage, about my divorce, about how he felt like he wanted to get divorced, but wasn't sure he was ready to leave his daughter. Everything he said reminded me of the end of my marriage and I wanted to be there to listen. One night he followed me to my car and we talked a little bit more. Before I left he kissed me and I quickly pulled away telling him, "I'm not that kind of girl, you're still married." I thought about him incessantly for the next week and tried to figure out what I was feeling. Why did he have to kiss me? Why couldn't we just talk? Soon after that I gave him my phone number and he called or text me all the time. Seriously, I talked to him via text message the entire day while I was at work. Text messages and phone calls turned into late night visits and wonderful kisses nearly twice a week for two months. He insisted that he was leaving his wife and that he wanted to be with me. I tried so hard to not develop feelings for him, but he seemed to be so perfect for me. When I realized that I no longer could control my feelings I asked him if it would be better if we just stopped seeing each other until he and his wife split up. He told me that he wasn't sure he could do that, he was feeling the same as me and wanted to keep seeing me outside of bowling. He came over one Saturday afternoon about three weeks ago. It all felt so real and wonderful. It was the first time I had felt this way since getting divorced. He left after a couple of hours and then I didn't hear from him for three days. Eventually he called and told me that he couldn't do it anymore. He just wasn't ready to leave his daughter and with the holidays coming up, he thought it would be best to wait until things settled down. And just like that it was done. No phone calls, no texts, no talking at bowling. I can't handle rejection and this is just ten times worse. I should just get over it, but I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop checking my phone hoping to see that he's contacted me. I bowled last night and had to ignore him to hide my pain. Then at 2:00am he calls and I didn't answer. When I listened to my voicemail, it was just a song: Lips of an Angel by Hinder. Now I'm back at square one...thinking about him constantly, searching the internet to find out what I can do to make it all go away. I'm better than this, I deserve better than this and yet I can't help but think that he and I could have something great. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I'll see him every week until May, so I have to learn to deal with it. Hoping someone can give me some assistance to make this any easier. I need to get this song out of my head!!!!
bentnotbroken Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 So you respected the boundaries of your marriage, but not the boundaries of another woman's marriage. Strange don't you think?
Author lost_in_life_again Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 I wish I could say that I had respected the boundaries of my own marriage, but that's not the case. My marriage ended partly because of an affair I had with another MM. When I expressed my concern over his marriage, I was more concerned with the fact that this MM and I share many mutual friends and I didn't want anyone to find out so that it could potentially get back to his W.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Its not the song you need to reign in. It is yourself. His kissing you and not just talking to you did NOT lead to you doing what you chose to do. That is what you have to admit to yourself first. And you have to come to terms that you have chosen to be "that kind of a girl." Once you can do that, you can start taking charge of your life and start putting yourself back together. That is my advice. Don't blame him. He is going to do what he wants to do. You on the other hand didn't and don't have to be a party to it. If it means giving up bowling. You do that. If it means you change your number or request a blocking of his calls. You do that. If you need to get a court order for him to stay way, you do that. If you need to block him from your email, MySpace, or what have you, you do that. You take charge of yourself.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 So you respected the boundaries of your marriage, but not the boundaries of another woman's marriage. Strange don't you think? I have made a choice from all the stuff in this portion of the website... Don't try to make sense with the other person. It is like trying to make sense why we as a species still do all the evil things we do to each other. The only thing I try to do now is speak only to those who are sincere about wanting help and not trying to find others to sympathize with their choice to do what is wrong or did what was wrong and not take account for their own actions.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 So...what do you WANT to happen here? Do you want him to leave his marriage for you? Do you want him to have an affair with you, while staying married? Do you want him to end the relationship with you until/unless he's married? What do YOU see as the best possible outcome here?
bentnotbroken Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I have made a choice from all the stuff in this portion of the website... Don't try to make sense with the other person. It is like trying to make sense why we as a species still do all the evil things we do to each other. The only thing I try to do now is speak only to those who are sincere about wanting help and not trying to find others to sympathize with their choice to do what is wrong or did what was wrong and not take account for their own actions. I wasn't. Because it will never make sense to me. I am usually rhetorical in my questions.
frannie Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I have made a choice from all the stuff in this portion of the website... Don't try to make sense with the other person. It is like trying to make sense why we as a species still do all the evil things we do to each other. The only thing I try to do now is speak only to those who are sincere about wanting help and not trying to find others to sympathize with their choice to do what is wrong or did what was wrong and not take account for their own actions. I agree that if you can't accept the perfectly legal choices that people make in their lives, and help them to live those lives, then it's best not to comment or 'help' them to see things your way. Just because someone doesn't agree with your way of seeing things doesn't mean they are senseless, it just means their choices or experience differ from yours..?
frannie Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 ... now that I'm single, I've been more receptive to men flirting. We had numerous conversations for the first couple of weeks about marriage, about my divorce, about how he felt like he wanted to get divorced, but wasn't sure he was ready to leave his daughter. ... he kissed me and I quickly pulled away telling him, "I'm not that kind of girl, you're still married." ... He insisted that he was leaving his wife and that he wanted to be with me. ... When I realized that I no longer could control my feelings I asked him if it would be better if we just stopped seeing each other until he and his wife split up. He told me that he wasn't sure he could do that... ... He came over one Saturday afternoon ... He left after a couple of hours and then I didn't hear from him for three days. Eventually he called and told me that he couldn't do it anymore. He just wasn't ready to leave his daughter So you become single and open to offers... he says he might become single too, but hum he has this daughter... he kisses you, you say no, you're married... he says hum well i might get a divorce... you say perhaps it would be better if we stopped seeing each other... he says no, he can't stop seeing you... he comes over, gets something and then ... he can't do it, he's not ready to leave his daughter. These are all the essentiall ingredients of a mind F. Which will only go on and on and on. Your marriage ended, and you have the chance to start all over again with someone new. Only you're getting involved with someone who is just playing games and is thoroughly stuck. With his forwards and backwards and 'moral dilemmas' over his daughter. Just reading the bare bones it looks like: he's out for what he can get with a new divorcee. You're newly out on the dating scene. You've known him for how long anyway and sparks never flew, so I'd suggest you just cast your net a bit wider and avoid the pointless entanglements of a man who is offering you absolutely nothing.
mopar crazy Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 I can't give you anymore advice than that what the others have but I do have one question. Do you bowl on the same team or just on the same league night? I hope it's not the same team b/c that would be really hard to break what you both have started. If it's the same league night but on different teams you need to continue to ignore him and stay away from him, period. He is a MM and you don't need that kind of drama in your life. Read the threads here and you will see a lot of pain from OW. I bowl on a weekly league night and there is a always one or two MM that hit on women that come into the bar to grab a drink or have one after bowling is over. Makes me sick to see them flirting w/ women when they are M.
Author lost_in_life_again Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 Thank you to those that posted good advice instead of judging me for something that I fell into--not something I set out to find. I wasn't posting on here to be judged but merely looking to vent to some anonymous people that have been in my situation before to some extent or another. Frannie...you hit the nail on the head. I have come to the conclusion that he is just using me to boost his own ego; to make him feel like he's still got it. As I said in my original post, I deserve better than this and I will set out to find it. I'm changing my phone number as he still continues to call. He called last night and all the feelings I have trying to bury came flooding back. I will continue to ignore him at bowling as I have for the past couple of weeks. I refuse to quit something I enjoy (as someone suggested) just because of him. We're both adults in a public place, I see no need to alter my routine just because of a "fling" that bruised my heart.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Thank you to those that posted good advice instead of judging me for something that I fell into--not something I set out to find. I wasn't posting on here to be judged but merely looking to vent to some anonymous people that have been in my situation before to some extent or another. Frannie...you hit the nail on the head. I have come to the conclusion that he is just using me to boost his own ego; to make him feel like he's still got it. As I said in my original post, I deserve better than this and I will set out to find it. I'm changing my phone number as he still continues to call. He called last night and all the feelings I have trying to bury came flooding back. I will continue to ignore him at bowling as I have for the past couple of weeks. I refuse to quit something I enjoy (as someone suggested) just because of him. We're both adults in a public place, I see no need to alter my routine just because of a "fling" that bruised my heart. You are newly divorced. There are lots of sharks out there. They'll tell you whatever they think you want to hear and take advantage of the fact that you have been out of the dating scene and don't know what it's like now. Men do not feel any sense of responsibility for you or your feelings. They will do what they want to/with you and consider that you are a grown adult and are responsible for yourself. If you want to pursue this R, know that the odds of it working out are not very high. That you will most likely feel sad, bad and guilty a majority of the time. THat when he leaves you will feel utterly and totally alone. An A is not an ideal R. Stop it before 3 weeks turns into 3 months turns into 3 years, unless his W finds out and you're thrown under the bus. If you're able to keep from getting attached, it's easier to do an A. BUt most people can't do that and since you already have a history outside the R with him, you're already bonded in a certain way. I'm not judging you at all, just hoping to help you keep from starting a cycle of hurt for yourself. And this guy sounds like an opportunist cad. GEL
bentnotbroken Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 It's funny how when the facts are regurgitated in a way that isn't cleaned up and pretty, it's called judging. Stating what you say isn't judging. Didn't you say you don't have boundaries? The advice you received was varied and came from many different experiences. Some from OP and some from BS. It is a wealth of knowledge that was presented to you, all you could see was judgement. Oh well, I guess it all boils down to what you were truly looking for.
waiting Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Completely unhelpfull - but i fecking hate that song to.
tiff Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I agree with Frannie. It seems like he is pulling out all of the tricks to get inside of your head. (It's hard to point them out if you've never been there). He called for a few days, then quit calling i.e, playing hard to get. Women go after a good chase just as much as men... remember that. Then, when you're just about to give up on him, he comes back and it starts all over again only getting deeper and more passionate in time. This is when you really get sucked in because you are vulnerable to his every word, touch, gesture. You'll wind up with blinders on, think you love him, think he loves you and have really good sex. If he did ever choose to leave his W, would you want a man like him? Would you trust him? It's just not a pretty life once you've gone down this path, even if you've convinced yourself along the way that all you did was follow your heart. Take time to think this out.
Reggie Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I can't even begin to say how comforting it is to have found this site and to know that there are others out there feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I was recently seeing a MM for two months. He's a man that I have known for nearly three years; a man that I bowl with every week for nine months out of the year. Prior to this season (which started in September), he and I barely spoke. I can remember a few times that he made advances or asked me out to dinner, but I quickly shot him down saying, "You're married." Up until last October, I was married, too. So bowling started in September and now that I'm single, I've been more receptive to men flirting. We had numerous conversations for the first couple of weeks about marriage, about my divorce, about how he felt like he wanted to get divorced, but wasn't sure he was ready to leave his daughter. Everything he said reminded me of the end of my marriage and I wanted to be there to listen. One night he followed me to my car and we talked a little bit more. Before I left he kissed me and I quickly pulled away telling him, "I'm not that kind of girl, you're still married." I thought about him incessantly for the next week and tried to figure out what I was feeling. Why did he have to kiss me? Why couldn't we just talk? Soon after that I gave him my phone number and he called or text me all the time. Seriously, I talked to him via text message the entire day while I was at work. Text messages and phone calls turned into late night visits and wonderful kisses nearly twice a week for two months. He insisted that he was leaving his wife and that he wanted to be with me. I tried so hard to not develop feelings for him, but he seemed to be so perfect for me. When I realized that I no longer could control my feelings I asked him if it would be better if we just stopped seeing each other until he and his wife split up. He told me that he wasn't sure he could do that, he was feeling the same as me and wanted to keep seeing me outside of bowling. He came over one Saturday afternoon about three weeks ago. It all felt so real and wonderful. It was the first time I had felt this way since getting divorced. He left after a couple of hours and then I didn't hear from him for three days. Eventually he called and told me that he couldn't do it anymore. He just wasn't ready to leave his daughter and with the holidays coming up, he thought it would be best to wait until things settled down. And just like that it was done. No phone calls, no texts, no talking at bowling. I can't handle rejection and this is just ten times worse. I should just get over it, but I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop checking my phone hoping to see that he's contacted me. I bowled last night and had to ignore him to hide my pain. Then at 2:00am he calls and I didn't answer. When I listened to my voicemail, it was just a song: Lips of an Angel by Hinder. Now I'm back at square one...thinking about him constantly, searching the internet to find out what I can do to make it all go away. I'm better than this, I deserve better than this and yet I can't help but think that he and I could have something great. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I'll see him every week until May, so I have to learn to deal with it. Hoping someone can give me some assistance to make this any easier. I need to get this song out of my head!!!! It is an incredibly insipid, juvenile song.
Reggie Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I wish I could say that I had respected the boundaries of my own marriage, but that's not the case. My marriage ended partly because of an affair I had with another MM. When I expressed my concern over his marriage, I was more concerned with the fact that this MM and I share many mutual friends and I didn't want anyone to find out so that it could potentially get back to his W. How noble.
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