i am a MESS :( need your views..

[mm4184]

i joined this a couple months ago and never found the energy to write my story but i feel like i need any help now so please listen if you can.. my ex-boyfriend (2.5yrs together) tried to break up with me in july because "we weren't happy anymore" and he needed to get his life together.. but i begged for him to give it a chance and so we tried for 2 months. but after the first few weeks it started going downhill and i saw that, but i still kept trying so hard. we were great of course in the beginning but he turned 30 this september and he felt he wasn't where he wanted to be in life and wanted his tv show to go to the next level and just wanted to focus on himself without having extra obligations. i was pretty selfish in the beginning and took him for granted because i felt that i already had him so it was all about me.. then it became all about him when we almost broke up and it was just so much detachment and change that it was killing me. he hardly contacted me and it was always me trying to see him. i felt neglected and hurt. he would say that he sees i'm trying but hasn't figured out if he wants to be with me or not.. and then we eventually broke up in september because i said i couldn't wait around anymore and he said that he knows it wasn't fair to me. basically he stayed because he saw how bad i was taking it and didn't want to hurt me even more. he told me he just wasn't into it anymore and couldn't find it in him to meet me halfway. i felt like he's going through his own crisis in his life. he was in a relationship for 12 years (9 before me) and was never really single so i know part of it is that he's getting old and wants to explore maybe.. which i HATE.

 

anyways, so the first week i was a mess and would still call and he would be there but he said he wants us to be able to become best friends like before we got together because he doesn't want to lose me in his life and i agreed and he said it's just gonna take awhile.. but that we shouldn't talk or see each other for awhile.. so finally i just stopped and went on vacation.. but then i hear he's asking about me and telling people he misses me and then one day he messaged me online asking how my vacation was n told me he wasn't doing too well but he's getting by.. i said i had to go and a few hours later he texted me saying he just wants me to know that he thinks about me all the time. knowing how vulnerable i am! i felt like he wanted me to say like i miss you or i want you back but i didn't and i just said i think about him too. he told one of my friends that if he wanted a girlfriend i would be perfect but he just can't do it right now. and he felt he made the right decison because i needed to be happy and it just wasn't working with us.. so i questioned in me.. made the right decision for NOW or forever??

 

i come home and then there's a night mid-october where he was texting me at like 3am and we had both gone out. he invited me over to "sober up" and then you know what happened after that. so for a few weeks we were sleeping together again. we talked about it and he said that he doesn't want me to settle and he knows i deserve someone that will be there 100% and it just can't be him right now so that if i want something we should stop.. he told me he would take any decision even if he wasn't happy with it and we'd still be friends. and i said that i do want something but not the way it used to be so that i would just take it day by day and see. i just felt like it was good because we were "re-establishing" our friendship and still we were intimate. plus, we said we weren't trying to see anyone else. but then last week it got kind of weird when he said he doesn't want us to get used to it and that he feels that it was wrong because we're not over each other and he just doesn't know what he wants... so we decided not to hang out anymore because in order for us to ever become good friends again, we can't sleep together and have all these emotions still. it's just frustrating because i told him i feel like he's the one controlling everything!

 

one of my biggest problems is that i've been depressed since july when we first almost broke up and i'm too scared to take medications because i want to be able to handle it like everyone else.. just haven't gotten very far.. no energy to work out or find a hobby. i go out but i always think of him and think he's gonna show up because we have the same group of friends. also, i have access to his email and facebook and myspace and he doesn't know so i see that he talks to girls (friendly for the most part) and i think there's one that really likes him so i feel like there's something going on between them! he told me he's not trying to sleep around but just meet new people.. today, i figured out he blocked me on instant messenger. maybe cuz i ignored him yesterday. but for a couple days after we had our "we shouldn't hang out for awhile" conversation, he would still contact me online and just have small talk. yesterday he messaged me a funny word and i didn't respond and i signed off a few minutes later. now today, he blocked me i don't know what to do. i feel so anxious when i wake up every morning and he's every single thought of every second of my day. my eyes hurt from 4 months of crying. i can hardly do ANYTHING to not think about it and i keep hoping that one day he'll realize what he's losing and know that those groupie girls are just there for his tv show. but i'm so scared he's gonna move on and find a real girl before me and i don't want to move on because i have a stupid hope that we can have a fresh start once he realizes what he had was great. i know i need to let go but i can't find myself doing so.. knowing the type of guy he is i feel like even if he one day wants me back but sees me with someone else and thinks i'm happy (which i may be), he has too much pride to ever even try to speak up or tell me that he wants to try. and that's why part of me doesn't want to move on because i don't want to miss that chance as stupid as it sounds. but also, i wanna move on first if it's really meant for us to find other people! so i'm a MESS. please help me

[alwayssme]

Hey! First let me just say one thing...believe me when someone truly wants to be with you there is NOTHING that would stand in their way. Me and my ex have been broken up for three months and no matter how much stuff i have going on in my life, i would STILL make time for him and still want to be with him. I'm young but i love him and don't feel the need to experience what's out there. However I'm not here to tell you what you shoudl do or how you should feel because i know when people told me i didn't listen. I don't suggest you "try" and move on with someone else. If he finds another girl and moves on first (as hard as that is to hear), then it's going to hurt but it's better then pretending to like somebody else. Better alone, untill either your ex comes around or untill you find someone you actually like.

[Jolie76]

I always believe this, if you are meant to be with someone nothing is going to change that, whether it's a year, a week or decade later it will work out. So you do not have to put your life on hold. Go on with your life and grieve and enjoy the memories you have.

 

Just do not sit and wait, you put yourself in a holding pattern and you heart and soul will be in hell.

 

But for the present you are going to have to go NC. You are to close to the situation to see things clearly, step back get some perspective and allow yourself time to cry and heal.

[serenitylies]

I agree with the above. My boyfriend and I broke up not too long ago, but we had broken up before. You dont have to do anything that people say. Its all your tdecision. If he loves you and misses you, there shouldnt be anything that should get in the way, and to tell you the truth, he already found someone else. And Im doing my best to move on even though I still love him and he still loves me and we still do things that are more than friends. But I dont let him get in my way of happiness and you

shouldnt either.

 

Think about your happiness before others. =D good luck Ill be here if you need me.

[Jenny123]

He sounds confused. You have to tell yourself whats for you won't go past you, everything happens for a reason. My ex broke up with me 8weeks ago, I was quickly replaced with another girl- never did get the proper story or closure which was hard to deal with. Anywayz i'm still in the recovery process myself and all I can say is I know what ur feeling, it is normal and only time will tell. I quit my job, thankfully starting a good job next week. I had no energy for anything, I was on the floor. Taking baby steps but def. more optimistic on the future and my dreams. (he can't take that away from u) Looking forward to the day I smile:) Good luck, ur not alone:bunny:

[mm4184]

thank you guys.. so update on that. i have access to his accounts and he doesn't know so i know he's been talking to this old friend of his but it seems like when he got the attention, she was the one who was flirting more and more. they hung out last sunday (i figured) and i don't know what happened but i can see her facebook and she always updates it with things i know are geared towards him like "trying a little tenderness" and "things are going good so far" but then last night my friend told me that he talked to her the other day and told her he did hang out with that girl but that he wasn't going to see her anymore because he's not ready. i HALF believe him but for him to tell my friend, i feel like he just wants her to tell me so i think otherwise. but at the same time, i'm supposed to not know at all and my friend he told is also his friend.. but he knows she has a big mouth. so now i'm confused. i saw that he bought a ticket for this random show on sunday and i know that the girl loves music like him..

 

i know i shouldn't even worry about things like this but i can't help it! i wake up every morning scared and anxious and my heart twists thinking that he's with someone else and i won't be spending my life with the one person i thought i would.. it's been 4 months of depression but 2 months of us really being apart and although i might not be AS bad as the first week, i don't see much of an improvement.. maybe because we did see each other again and now we're not and i feel it's because of this girl... who i can honestly say is not even cute. but i guess she must be really cool? i hate this!!!!!!!!!!!