Passive personalities

[axisdenied]

Hi guys. I'm inviting you to share your experiences with dating passive people. By "passive" I really do just mean passive, a lack of assertiveness, operates with no assumptions or expectations drawn from previous experience with the same person, etc. Examples would include the type of person who doesn't arrange dates themself but is positively responsive and enthusiastic when you do, somebody who wants to be kissed but won't lean in first, overall: somebody who becomes more aggressive once it's been established in the moment that "Yes, that IS okay and I do want that from you."

 

If you've been involved with somebody like this, how did you learn to engage them and continue the relationship where you are both actively pursuing it? Specific to my situation: She isn't a doormat, she isn't responding just to placate me, and she is into me, but I think she might find me a little intimidating (in a good way) so she takes most of her cues from me. I contact her about once a week to arrange a meeting and thereafter she's 100% "there" and interested. Oh yeah, and just to clarify: we're both women, so the roles aren't that clearly defined for us. Nevertheless, I'd like to hear your experiences for my own edification. Is it just a common practice that one person pursues the relationship more aggressively than the other for some time before the arrangement is explicitly acknowledged to be something beyond dating?

 

Thanks for reading! -a

[BlueHarvest]

That's a toughie. Passiveness is considered cute by some and a turn-off by others.

 

I consider myself quite passive up until a certain point. Once I feel comfortable with someone then I'm no longer passive. It may takes weeks, months, even a year before I feel that comfortable with them but then I know my boundaries and limits and by then I don't worry about it.

 

It could be the same with your significant other. They could just be very shy but given enough time with you they'll start to open up. It's hard at first because you don't know how to respond.

 

My suggestion is just to continue being the initiator and maybe subtly ask them if they'd like to choose something. Actively incorporate them into helping make plans. Ask them questions that make them more willing to talk. All these help boost the passive person's ego and comfort level in situations. As the comfort level rises, you'll see the shyness and passiveness melt away.

[axisdenied]

That's a toughie. Passiveness is considered cute by some and a turn-off by others.

 

I consider myself quite passive up until a certain point. Once I feel comfortable with someone then I'm no longer passive. It may takes weeks, months, even a year before I feel that comfortable with them but then I know my boundaries and limits and by then I don't worry about it.

 

It could be the same with your significant other. They could just be very shy but given enough time with you they'll start to open up. It's hard at first because you don't know how to respond.

 

My suggestion is just to continue being the initiator and maybe subtly ask them if they'd like to choose something. Actively incorporate them into helping make plans. Ask them questions that make them more willing to talk. All these help boost the passive person's ego and comfort level in situations. As the comfort level rises, you'll see the shyness and passiveness melt away.

 

Wow, great response. Thank you. For our last date I threw out several suggestions and we met somewhere in the middle, so I think I've already starting implementing your solution and it does work. I suppose the biggest concern for me is getting a clear view of the line between being assertive and being bothersome. In my head once a week isn't too much for an introverted person, but I'm definitely new to the role of pursuer to it's a learning experience.

[Lucky555]

I'm exactly like this when i date a guy.

I don't want to appear to clingy

sometimes i am unsure on how the other person feels even though i know they like me

I don't want to scare them away

I feel like they are taking the lead and i'm willing to go

 

I really don't initiate out of fear that these things will happen because i want things to work out in the relationship, especially if I have not known them long.

[axisdenied]

I'm exactly like this when i date a guy.

I don't want to appear to clingy

sometimes i am unsure on how the other person feels even though i know they like me

I don't want to scare them away

I feel like they are taking the lead and i'm willing to go

 

I really don't initiate out of fear that these things will happen because i want things to work out in the relationship, especially if I have not known them long.

 

Definitely a point for traditional gender roles at the beginning of a romantic relationship. In same-sex scenarios one or the other is usually assumed when it's clear that it isn't platonic. It's good to hear the reasons why otherwise assertive, independent, confident people would opt to be passive. If she's anything like you that's good news for me. :-)

[BannaBee57]

I dated a guy over the summer who was like this. Needless to say it didn't get very far. I wasn't going to beg him to ask me out or make moves on me. He would let me know what he was doing that night and then act all forlorn that we don't see each other. Well, he never invited me!

 

We're still friends to a degree and whenever we hang out he never misses an opportunity to (passively) remind me that he was "really into me". He twists it into sounding like I blew him off. In reality he was put off by the fact that I have many male friends and he didn't want to compete...if you could even call it that.

 

It's kinda frustrating to hear him give is skewed perception of what happened. I just smile and remind him that he was the one dragging his feet on the whole thing.

 

I'd suggest taking the active roll in persuing this woman and make it very clear that you are into her. If she doesn't come around to a level that you need in a relationship then you might have to cut your losses.

 

Good luck

[Goldstar]

Nevertheless, I'd like to hear your experiences for my own edification. Is it just a common practice that one person pursues the relationship more aggressively than the other for some time before the arrangement is explicitly acknowledged to be something beyond dating?

 

Thanks for reading! -a

 

From my experience dating women I would say yes it is common for one person to initiate more than the other.

 

My last girlfriend really liked the fact that I made the plans, took the reins so to speak. She told me it was a relief to have someone pursue her and take the initiative because that was usually her role as the social coordinator.

 

Granted, she pursued me initially and gave me the green light to ask her out, but early on I did all of the date making. Many times I would throw out several suggestions and we would meet in the middle. My most successful dates though have been planning the whole thing through, gearing the outing to them, showing them that I am into them, and displaying confidence.

 

Good luck with the new girl.

[Agent_99]

Axis,

 

I dated woman a that had the same issue. But the passivity was a really deep issue for her about avoidance, so when the going got tuff, she avoided at a great cost to our relationship.

 

BUT I can be the same way as your girl when I am dating. It is because I am a girly girl, and I like the more masculine women who kind of take charge with things. Later in the relationship I'm more than willing to voice my opinion. And even when it is in the early stages of dating I like to be asked my opinion on things. If I don't have one, it is because I truly don't have one.

 

It's also because I like to be pursued and not the pursuer.

 

Someone said something about learning thier boundaries by being passive. It is very true for me, although I have started being more direct and just asking what they are.

 

As to how to engage her more. Tell her what you are thinking about this some. You can find a way to voice your thoughts on this. ask her what she would like to see happen.

 

~99

[axisdenied]

I dated a guy over the summer who was like this. Needless to say it didn't get very far. I wasn't going to beg him to ask me out or make moves on me. He would let me know what he was doing that night and then act all forlorn that we don't see each other. Well, he never invited me!

 

We're still friends to a degree and whenever we hang out he never misses an opportunity to (passively) remind me that he was "really into me". He twists it into sounding like I blew him off. In reality he was put off by the fact that I have many male friends and he didn't want to compete...if you could even call it that.

 

It's kinda frustrating to hear him give is skewed perception of what happened. I just smile and remind him that he was the one dragging his feet on the whole thing.

 

I'd suggest taking the active roll in persuing this woman and make it very clear that you are into her. If she doesn't come around to a level that you need in a relationship then you might have to cut your losses.

 

Good luck

 

I know it's a horrible double standard but women shouldn't have to work so hard to spend time with men who actually like them. It sounds like this guy was either very insecure or overly confident -one extreme or another. Good advice -I will continue to pursue her without worrying too much about the passivity. The actual acknowledgment of how "into" her I am (as in explicitly verbal with no turning back) is an achilles' heel for me. I will work on it, though.

[axisdenied]

From my experience dating women I would say yes it is common for one person to initiate more than the other.

 

My last girlfriend really liked the fact that I made the plans, took the reins so to speak. She told me it was a relief to have someone pursue her and take the initiative because that was usually her role as the social coordinator.

 

Granted, she pursued me initially and gave me the green light to ask her out, but early on I did all of the date making. Many times I would throw out several suggestions and we would meet in the middle. My most successful dates though have been planning the whole thing through, gearing the outing to them, showing them that I am into them, and displaying confidence.

 

Good luck with the new girl.

 

You've hit on something that makes a lot of sense here. The new girl works a lot and is quite the introvert. I am a grad student and while that in itself implies that I work a lot I also have a large social network that gets me out of the house to see what venues are around that might encourage lively discussion and "in the moment" bonding. It sounds like I've been careful enough to employ your methods -I'm really not the type of person who calls just to talk or without a plan of action, and she doesn't seem to be either, but the motivation might come easier for me than it does for her. I appreciate your response.

[sultry33]

I dated a guy over the summer who was like this. Needless to say it didn't get very far. I wasn't going to beg him to ask me out or make moves on me. He would let me know what he was doing that night and then act all forlorn that we don't see each other. Well, he never invited me!

 

We're still friends to a degree and whenever we hang out he never misses an opportunity to (passively) remind me that he was "really into me". He twists it into sounding like I blew him off. In reality he was put off by the fact that I have many male friends and he didn't want to compete...if you could even call it that.

 

It's kinda frustrating to hear him give is skewed perception of what happened. I just smile and remind him that he was the one dragging his feet on the whole thing.

 

I'd suggest taking the active roll in persuing this woman and make it very clear that you are into her. If she doesn't come around to a level that you need in a relationship then you might have to cut your losses.

 

Good luck

 

this is me to some extent.. i do think the guy should in the begining keep it flowing

otherwise i

1/ get bored

2/ feel they are not into me

either way it ends in a mates only set up.. then i see them and they are like " you didnt text back" or " you blew me out"

confused:confused:

once im in the right stage i wil pursue or suggest dates but mainly it doesnt get to that unless the guy persists.. but not too much

there is a balance;)

[axisdenied]

Axis,

 

I dated woman a that had the same issue. But the passivity was a really deep issue for her about avoidance, so when the going got tuff, she avoided at a great cost to our relationship.

 

BUT I can be the same way as your girl when I am dating. It is because I am a girly girl, and I like the more masculine women who kind of take charge with things. Later in the relationship I'm more than willing to voice my opinion. And even when it is in the early stages of dating I like to be asked my opinion on things. If I don't have one, it is because I truly don't have one.

 

It's also because I like to be pursued and not the pursuer.

 

Someone said something about learning thier boundaries by being passive. It is very true for me, although I have started being more direct and just asking what they are.

 

As to how to engage her more. Tell her what you are thinking about this some. You can find a way to voice your thoughts on this. ask her what she would like to see happen.

 

~99

 

That is food for thought. I hope for my own sake that it isn't an avoidance issue, but again we come to something that is fueling the one-sided interaction: nobody is asking any of the difficult questions (despite the fact that the relationship has received umm... physical consumation). She's told me that her 'filter' is strong. I don't know all the reasons for that but I understand because mine is too.

 

In all honesty, I haven't seriously dated anyone since her in about seven years. I'm certainly not craving her attention like I did from my girlfriends when I was in my teens, but I also find myself wanting to be more 'grown-up' about the situation in other ways. I do like her a lot, and I like that she likes me a lot, but we're only a few months in so I'm not sure what exactly I want from her yet. Kinda hard to engage somebody in a discussion about expectations when your own aren't 100% clear yet. I'm sure it'll come up though and that I'll have to be the one to bring it up which for personal and probably irrational reasons frightens me right now. Once I'm sure about what I expect I think it'll be easier. Thank you for your response. It's definitely therapeutic to discuss it.

[SushiX]

I am talking to a girl just like this. She is so passive that i'm not sure if she's interested in me. I mean we talk every night and hang out a few times. She seems to be having fun hanging out with me, but that is all. She never says she likes me or nothing. It's getting a bit frustrating...

[axisdenied]

I am talking to a girl just like this. She is so passive that i'm not sure if she's interested in me. I mean we talk every night and hang out a few times. She seems to be having fun hanging out with me, but that is all. She never says she likes me or nothing. It's getting a bit frustrating...

 

Hmm. Well . . . are you saying those things to her? If you aren't maybe she's hesitating because of that.

[Goldstar]

In all honesty, I haven't seriously dated anyone since her in about seven years. I'm certainly not craving her attention like I did from my girlfriends when I was in my teens, but I also find myself wanting to be more 'grown-up' about the situation in other ways. I do like her a lot, and I like that she likes me a lot, but we're only a few months in so I'm not sure what exactly I want from her yet. Kinda hard to engage somebody in a discussion about expectations when your own aren't 100% clear yet. I'm sure it'll come up though and that I'll have to be the one to bring it up which for personal and probably irrational reasons frightens me right now. Once I'm sure about what I expect I think it'll be easier. Thank you for your response. It's definitely therapeutic to discuss it.

 

Oh I think you are overthinking here. You actually don't have to bring it up at all. Women are so quick to bond, the u-haul thing, it's not such a bad thing to go slow and don't define anything. Really, what's the rush?

 

If the thought of the big discussion frightens you, don't have it. Just enjoy the moment.

[Agent_99]

That is food for thought. I hope for my own sake that it isn't an avoidance issue, but again we come to something that is fueling the one-sided interaction: nobody is asking any of the difficult questions (despite the fact that the relationship has received umm... physical consumation). She's told me that her 'filter' is strong. I don't know all the reasons for that but I understand because mine is too.

 

In all honesty, I haven't seriously dated anyone since her in about seven years. I'm certainly not craving her attention like I did from my girlfriends when I was in my teens, but I also find myself wanting to be more 'grown-up' about the situation in other ways. I do like her a lot, and I like that she likes me a lot, but we're only a few months in so I'm not sure what exactly I want from her yet. Kinda hard to engage somebody in a discussion about expectations when your own aren't 100% clear yet. I'm sure it'll come up though and that I'll have to be the one to bring it up which for personal and probably irrational reasons frightens me right now. Once I'm sure about what I expect I think it'll be easier. Thank you for your response. It's definitely therapeutic to discuss it.

 

I am new to actually dating too. I've always jumped into relationship mode, and am trying to do things differently. I see what you are saying about the intentions and expectations. I've noticed myself that there comes a point where you REALLY like the other person, and you start having a hard time talking about certain things. Where before we would have just jumped in 'relationship'. The whole uhaul thing

 

In my situation, I remember us talking about a lot of things when we first met, now we are down to small talk and flirty talk. And so it is getting harder to be direct and say some of the things I'm thinking need to be said. And yet like you, I"m not sure what it is that needs to be said.

 

~99

It's also nice to see 'family' on here.

[nicki]

Shyness and acting somewhat reserved at the beginning of a relationship are very different things from actual passivity.

 

In my experience, true passivity makes for a lazy partner, and that means boring and low energy. Like a leaf on the wind......not really a true, equal partner.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to judge her yet, though. This could simply be her dating personality. If, in a year, she isn't actively taking a role in initiating ideas like vacations or future plans, even if it's simply just the idea of going, then she is probably passive.

 

Does she work hard and have drive and passion? Then it's more than likely you are seeing her dating personality.

 

Don't know if that's your question or not, but simply letting you drive the car at this stage is okay....Just ask her for her input, and ask her to plan something. Or tell her how much you love it when she initiates sex.

 

If she wants to please you, she will do it once in a while. Maybe it won't be her personality, but she will be responsive.

[axisdenied]

Shyness and acting somewhat reserved at the beginning of a relationship are very different things from actual passivity.

 

In my experience, true passivity makes for a lazy partner, and that means boring and low energy. Like a leaf on the wind......not really a true, equal partner.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to judge her yet, though. This could simply be her dating personality. If, in a year, she isn't actively taking a role in initiating ideas like vacations or future plans, even if it's simply just the idea of going, then she is probably passive.

 

Does she work hard and have drive and passion? Then it's more than likely you are seeing her dating personality.

 

Don't know if that's your question or not, but simply letting you drive the car at this stage is okay....Just ask her for her input, and ask her to plan something. Or tell her how much you love it when she initiates sex.

 

If she wants to please you, she will do it once in a while. Maybe it won't be her personality, but she will be responsive.

 

If we define passivity like that then I'd probably say no, she isn't passive. I am a very direct and confident person and find that those personality traits inspire people from all varieties of relationships to let me take the lead (in conversation, collaborative projects, etc). I'm noting a common theme throughout the rest of the responses here about just giving time to let the situation healthfully develop before jumping to any rash judgments, expectations, etc. Not that I was totally unaware of how the concerns are coming from a place of excitement right now. :-)

 

U-haul lesbian LOL. Yeah, I can't jibe with that. I'm a strong believer in giving the pheromones time to wear off before deciding to entangle one's life with that of another person. But for acknowledging feelings hmm . . . that's trickier. Again thanks for the feedback -especially from other members of the community.

[Isolde]

I really don't like it when guys implicitly reject you and then act later as though you rejected them. It's just so childish.