Confused1977 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 This is the first time for me writing here, so please bear with me. I’m not even sure where to start, but I’ll do my best. My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years now, our wedding anniversary is coming up this December 2nd. We both got married very young, I was 18, she was 19. Reason for our quick marriage was because she got pregnant, and a lot of pressure from the religious organization we used to belong to. As you can imagine, it was not easy raising a child for both of us at that age, but we did it. 7 years ago, I had an affair, which as imagined, almost tore us apart. Yet, we managed to work thru it, and it is something I deeply regret and wish I could take back. My wife forgave me, and wanted to work thru it. Our biggest problem has always been talking and communicating openly about us. We can always open up and discuss anything else, but for some reason. We are best friends, but there seems to be an “invisible wall” between us. After I confessed to my wife about the affair, we went to counseling, and for a while, we did open up and communicate, but looking back, after we had our daughter, it reverted back to the way it was before. Over the past few weeks, I really noticed a change in my wife, she seemed more distant, she’s started to talk about the male attention she’s receiving (she recently lost 40 lbs), things just seemed different. My gut was telling me something was not right, and I stumbled across a picture of a guy on our computer. It was an image of someone she has been working with in the music industry. To be honest, that did upset me, but I kept reasoning to myself, I cheated on her, so who am I to say. At this point, I confronted her, and asked her if everything was okay with us. She then opened up, and told me she really has not been happy, for a very long time. She feels like she has no independence, no real career (she works PT, but stays home with our 2 children), and feels lost. She kept insisting it has nothing to do with me, that I am a good father etc. and that it’s her. She also apologized for that image on the computer, and deleted it the next morning. The next day, my gut still wasn’t feeling right, so I asked her if anything is going on with this guy, and she admitted that she has flirted with him occasionally online, but she has never had an affair. I do believe her, but I am still a little hurt by it. She also apologized for this. The following day, we started to talk about it again, and she said she’s been questioning whether we got married for the wrong reasons, and whether she loves me or not. She said she will always love me as a friend, but that when she looks into my eyes, she doesn’t feel anything more. That really tore me inside, as it went so quickly from not being about me, to being about me. She brought up the idea of separating, and also said she is not even looking forward to our anniversary. I really did not even this coming, and feel totally blindsided. How did it go from seeming okay, to throwing 13 years away and separating? She also said that she is wanted affection from me for years now, but never got it. The problem I have felt, is that when I have tried to show her, it never really was shown back. I am not blaming her, and looking back, I should have done more to show her, and I feel awful. She said she really feels awful, because of the fact that I am really hurting inside. The talk of separating also came up, and I suggested giving it to the end of the year, to see where we are at, so we also don’t ruin Christmas for the kids. She has been very reluctant about trying to make it work, but said she would go along with it, but feels signs of depression coming on. She seems to be just as confused as I am. I have suggested counseling, but she does not want to try as she felt the last time we went, it was one sided for her. Over the past week, I’ve really been trying, to do the little things, but there is nothing shown back. She said it’s really hard to give back, when it’s been so long since she has really felt emotional connection. I am really at my wits end, and I find it is consuming me constantly. I am also really worried for my kids. I want to give her space, but don’t want her to think I don’t love her Sorry about the long post, but just needed to vent. Has anyone else been thru this?
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 This is a full fledged affair. Make no mistake...her behavior is classic "wayward script". First off...you need to go check out the marriagebuilders website...look at their free material, but avoid the forum...bad juju. Check out a book: "Surviving an Affair". Specifically, read up on plan A and plan B. Right now, you need to do plan A. That means work hard to identify and meet her emotional needs, make changes to make yourself the "more attractive choice"...and at the same time, put pressure on ending the affair. That means you need to snoop a little deeper, get more information on the affair, and then expose the affair to friends and family who will support your marriage. From your own prior experience, you should know that affairs thrive on secrecy...but don't stand so well in the light of day. Check out the stuff I suggested...start identifying your wife's emotional needs (read the mb website for the EN questionaire)...and work to make the changes you need to. AND...get more info on the affair...get the "proof" that its still more than she's admitted. Because...you KNOW that it is...
TrustInYourself Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Great advice, Owl. I'll piggyback off that. Identify why you suck and fix it.
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Great advice, Owl. I'll piggyback off that. Identify why you suck and fix it. Isn't that what I said??? :) This made me LOL for real.
newsguy Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Wow, reading your post is almost like reading about what I'm going through at this moment with my wife (see I'm desparate). My wife is not happy with me as well and I'm at a loss as to what to do. If you read my post you'll know that you are not alone in your dilema. Don't give up and I won't either.
Fearful Wife Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Confused1977, your wife seems really far gone if she is not responding at all. The silent treatment is one step out the door beyond the complaining treatment. I agree with Owl about checking out marriagebuilders.com, and asking your wife if she is open to reading the Basic Concepts. But beyond that, I think it's time to try marriage counseling again. I know you said that she felt it was one-sided the first time, and the way I interpret that is that she wasn't comfortable with the counselor. If she were to find a counselor whom she feels is unbiased, and with whom she's comfortable, it could help her identify the issues, her needs, your differences, etc. My H and I have plenty of problems, but far fewer now than before counseling. We interviewed three counselors and picked the one we both felt comfortable with. I also went to individual counseling for about a year and a half. I also interviewed a few counselors until I found one who seemed right. Even then, her biases started to appear after a few months so I switched. If your W is not expressing herself at all to you, she is using another outlet. It could be friends, family, or another man. The safest place for her to express herself and learn how to communicate with you is IC. My two cents.
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