desertfire Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I just gave a "burn notice" to my GF of 10 months.. We had a great relationship, a promising one.. She was all over the board with things, and was there for me during my divorce, etc... We saw eye to eye on everything for the longest time, but then she decided that she "wanted it all" and said I needed to move with her across the country, and all sorts of other complications.. she said some extremely hateful things about my son and then about me.. so hateful I couldn't get past it.. and it wasn't the first time she had done it.... A few days ago she called me to get my "stuff" (she used other words) , and proceeded to crush me and my son verbally.. beyond the point of sanity. Her anger was out of control. I had told her time and time again that she was going to one day say or do things she would regret because she was blinded by her own anger. And she did. So I put together a very healthy nastygram , not a spiteful one.. rather quite objective and "to-the-point" about her transgressions with "us". She held out on me, strung me along at times... blew me off on a few occasions (for other guys) .. and more.. but I was very forgiving and we moved forward.... I bcc'd the email to her sisters and a friend of hers. She needs help, and I know it. I decided I didn't need such a hateful person in my life. I would attach the email here, but it is so lengthy that I think the message board will ban me.. but if you are interested in receiving a copy of it, just give me an email address... it was quite impressive, and I would love to share it... I came to the resolution that I was being "father-like" to her, and that I had fallen into it blindly, and never realized it... I am trying to go NC, and am having the hardest time. Our connection was really strong, and the chemistry was out of control. And I am grieving the loss. I will be using this thread as a parking place for my moments, thoughts, ideas, and perhaps sharing with you all, and perhaps learning as well. Feel free to ask any details. She texted me asking for how much she owes me for the past months on things that I spent for/on her. I haven't responded.. later she texted me again to know if I was going to stop by to pick up my stuff. I haven't responded to that either. My bicycle, a book, and a pack of dominos are at her place. I could care less about them... I am wanting to cut off all ties, and I would be lying if I said that I am doing a good job because it is getting to me... I am feeling a ilttle upset, angry, and depressed at the same time.. a mix of emotions that seems to be lethal.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I have my own little thread that helps me with NC. Though I think ( I hope) I am pretty much done NEEDING to contact him. He has clearly moved on, talking to him does nothing but disinterest me or make me sad. But yeah, I use my thread all the time when I have relapses. So having your own should help you heal. Good luck going NC! I know it is hard, but you will make it out in the end!
Author desertfire Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Thanx tokyo... I will do my best here... I guess it is difficult when you invest so much time into a person and are optimistic of things and take the bull by the horns for a long time, but then realize that the juice wasn't going to ever come from the squeeze...
Author desertfire Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 I broke the NC yesterday eve.... on the way home I stopped at her place.. we got there at the same time after work.... She got into it with me about how hurt she was because I broadcasted the things she said... I told her that she had said some very hurtful things and perhaps wouldn't realize it unless she understood that other people were hearing it too. We had a brief conversation and it seemed like the tension was decompressing. I told her that she needed to let her pride go a little and realize that we are all on the same playing field and that she is being condescending to others. After spending that time with her, I have come closer to the feeling that I really don't need someone like that in my life. I do miss the good times we spent... Our intimate moments were amazing... but beyond that, everything has been a struggle or a conflict. She also doesn't show initiative in wanting to promote the things that would hold us together.... Turning one more corner every day.....
TeaAbraham Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Good luck man. Her anger does not sound like it is helping the situation, but it also sounds like at least in part it comes from caring about the situation, and distress about how things are going. It is terrible how she would say horrible things to you, especially about your son. You definitely do not need such a hateful person in your life. That is what I have been thinking to myself too these days. No worries dude. We've all got a lot of pain here. Let your feelings out. That's the only way you're going to get through this.
Author desertfire Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 Thanx Tea! I do recognize that her anger is fueled by her passion... but her pride seems to keep biting at the ankles. It is amazing to see how she can be so completely buried in her personal wants in terms of "her" future when there was supposed to be an "us".. and then that anything that is important to me is not a factor in getting things to work along.... It is helping to unload these thoughts here... perhaps get the insight from others or even contribute for others to pick things up on... It is a journey into feeling, I guess....
Author desertfire Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 Was reminiscing about certain key good times we had... Walking the beach.. dining, cooking, watching tv.. going out for drinks... and more... Funny how memories trigger the pains of loss, but until you recall them all is good.. then there is the chain reaction of thoughts that follows.... A question comes to mind.. why does it take so much energy to breathe when you're down, but no effort when you're happy? There has to be a correlation there someplace....
Author desertfire Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 This weekend was one of reflection.. I took the time time to understand what it is in the GF that I was attracted to, and realized that it was that she had all of the attributes that filled the gap that I had with my stbxw. It made me re-think what is going on with much of my situation, with my pending divorce and all. I really have no reason to leave my wife, other than being personally unsatisfied at the desire level. This may also be attributed to my wife having let herself go over time and us having more of a sedentary life. I have found myself attracted to other women, but purely at the visual level.. and I think that is the source of some of my problem with my wife. I am contemplating the possibility of reconciliation and wanting to make things work, but am not sure it will work. I will try to communicate with her my thoughts and feelings to see what her reaction is.
Author desertfire Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 I am itching to break the NC and get in contact with the GF.. I know that if I don't approach her with plans for ThanksGiving there will be no way to potentially reconcile things, but I need to remind myself of the kind of person I'm dealing with, and to consider if that is the kind of person I want in my life. It is difficult, especially when there is a strong "chemistry" between 2 people, and I definitely had it wth her on almost all levels, except for the part of her personality where there is basically no compromise in the things that are her priorities and can not be altered.. I.E. where to raise kids etc... Compromise is a big one, and is the major downfall of our ex-relationship (trying to reinforce the NC part ), but would have been able to be overcome had she been able to at least be more considerate of my needs and resources as well.
Recommended Posts