PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 My husband and I have been married a little over a year now. He's been divorced twice, me once. I was single for 10 years, looking for the right person. When we went into this marriage, it was with the understanding that this was it. We would do everything to make each other happy and have a healthy relationship. I made sure we discussed everything in our premarital counseling. He knew before we got married I wanted a child and he agreed. I have no children, he has two from his two prior marriages (ages 14 and 9). He knew I would not even date anyone that did not want children. After we started trying a few months ago, he suddenly changed his mind and went and got a vasectomy - with me begging him not to do it. He did it for two reasons: One, he feels he doesn't want to go through the whole baby thing again and likes our freedom; Second: He says he is afraid I would leave him and he would have to go through that whole torturous ordeal again and he cannot handle it mentally. He is so afraid to live life again. Yet, he said he married me because he knew I had a good character and morals, and I do. I have done nothing to bring his feelings about. I've realized he brought them with him into the marriage. I think that is so unfair to do to someone. Basically, I am now paying for what has happened in his past. To me, the bottom line is, it is pure selfishness. He becomes furious when I use that word to describe the situation. I do love him so much, but I'm having such a hard time understanding how he could knowingly and deliberately hurt me so much. My heart is broken. These last six weeks have literally been the worst of my life. I don't know what to do. He gets upset with me when I cry about it. I've tried to tell him I can't just snap my fingers and be fine with never having my own baby. But I'm trying to cope. He says if I stay, I will resent him. And he would understand if I left, because I deserve to have a child. But I want that with him. That is part of the reason I married him. I wanted him! and a family with him! not someone else. I told him I would stay, because I love him that much. I just can't help but feel that he does not love me that much, or just doesn't know what love really is. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please....
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 First, don't panic. Vasectomies, in many cases, can be reversed. So, it ain't over until it's over! Your husband must be deeply frightened in order to do something like this. He seems to have a fear that you will leave him, yet he is also saying he would understand if you did? The man is conflicted. I'd suggest some marriage counseling at this point. You two need to communicate about this effectively, and maybe a professional counselor can help you both understand each other and get to the bottom of what's going on between you. I think this issue is bigger than having a baby or not. It goes to the core of your relationship, so act now and get some help.
amaysngrace Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 First, don't panic. Vasectomies, in many cases, can be reversed. So, it ain't over until it's over! The main problem with reversing them is insurance will pay to have it done but there are none that I know of who will pay to have it reversed. I don't like the whole idea of how he went against your wishes and did just what he wanted KNOWING full well before you married him that you wanted a baby. Wrong wrong wrong.
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 get to marriage counseling, ASAP – there are a whole slew of issues that are hinged on that one selfish act of his. NOT that he's wrong for *wanting* to do this, but because he made the final decision WITHOUT your input ~ if he was so determined to get fixed, he should have been honest with you so that you could have the chance to more fully explore your options ... and dare I say, get used to the idea of what sacrifice you would be making. Somehow, knowing that you have a decision – even if it goes against your strongest desire – is much less painful than having that decision sprung on you, against your will. Basically, it's a breach of contract because y'all went into the marriage with the understanding that he was open to having children, but more importantly, open to talking about options to having children. next time he gets on to you about crying, remind him that you have every right to grieve the loss of the plans you thought y'all had together (in terms of a child together), and until you get your bearings, he needs to put up with it because HE brought it on himself; this is the consequence of HIS action, not yours. hopefully, counseling will help him to understand that you're not married singles, but you are as one – that each of you needs to respect the other's feelings and desires and goals, which can be met if you decide to communicate effectively.
PandorasBox Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Try the counseling thing. If he wont go, or feels he will not change his mind, then maybe he is not Mr. right after all. He was dishonest after you both being honest and upfront about what you wanted etc. He took the chicken way out because he knew how you would feel. To me this says if he can be dishonest about this, then probably other things as well. Also if he truly does NOT want anymore kids, had it reversed just so you could have kids, I think there will be some resentment there on his part, and may at some point hold it over your head, by saying you knew he didn't want kids etc. Just something to think about.
angie2443 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 You two have no children together, you don't have a reason to stay if you really want children. I'm not saying that he is a bad man. At the same time, something does feel off about the whole situation. I do think that if you really want children, than you will feel an emptiness and some resentment if you can't have this dream fulfilled. You say you waited 10 years to find the right person. Maybe it wasn't so much that you found the right person after 10 years, but after 10 years you were ready to settle down again. I don't know. Just a thought.
JackJack Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 From a man's point of view, I think what he did was wrong. He already knew how you felt, and that you DID want kids. He did NOT tell you he didn't want kids, and he DID agree with you on wanting kids. I think its possible maybe he did in the beginning, but then changed his mind, however there is a good possibility that he really did NOT want kids and just told you what you wanted to hear, in hopes that maybe you would change your mind on wanting any. I think its all in what you want to do. IMO I think its not a good situation period. If you ask him to reverse it, and he does not really wanting to, as someone else said, I think he will resent you for it. If he chooses not to reverse it then he is cheating you out of a child which is what you told him you wanted from the get go.
Author PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Thank you for the responses. Some days it's hard for me to even look at him - but I do and I smile and still tell him I love him. What's really difficult is that I have to watch him with his children, whom he dotes on and talks about, etc., as any parent does. I just don't think he gets it. I don't know if I can be satisfied with only his children - the nine year old's mother actually lives in the same town. I just don't see how I can take a "mother" role like he wants me to with his children, when he has taken my child from me. I wanted to go to counseling immediately. He said he would go if I found someone. So I did. He did not go to the first (and last) meeting. Of course the counselor could not get the full affect of everything since the meeting was only an hour, but he told me I may be a just little co-dependent. Maybe so, I really don't know. When I told him what the counselor said, he was furious because of what that said about himself. He said he didn't want to talk about counseling anymore - he was through talking about the whole subject. He did not think the counselor was qualified. However, this man has been counseling over 25 years and is the head of the marriage and family counseling of a 15,000 plus member church. I fear that my resentment is going to build. I just don't know that I can get over this. Every single day when I look at him I think - How could you have done this to me? I'm not sure time will help in this matter. I'm 35 and I really don't have that much more time to decide.
Author PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 JackJack - you are correct. He actually told me that he thought I might change my mind after we got married. And he has done his best to talk me out of a baby since he made his decision. Sometimes I cannot help but feel that he really never wanted any more, but just told me he did so that I would marry him. He even told me it would be good for us and bring us closer together. I had begged him to wait a year to see if he changed his mind, to see if his anxiety about the whole situation was better. His psychiatrist told hime to not do anything yet because it was an emtional reaction! He said he felt he had to have the vasectomy because if I ever ended up pregnant, he would think it was on purpose and he would leave me. Later he said he wouldn't leave, but he would always resent me for it. I feel like I am in a no-win situation. But on the other hand, I keep telling myself, we had a good marriage before this issue, maybe we could again.
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 How are you going to have a good marriage when you want a baby and he's made that decision for you? Do you really believe you'll stop wanting a child and this will all blow over?
2sunny Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 straight up - he wasn't honest with you before you married. then he was selfish on the backside. i think to do the counseling on your part is generous - the fact that he won't go is criminal and totally disrespecting you (not surprising given the circumstances). the root of the problem is huge and he won't face it, much less try to fix it,... i'd leave him. my gut says other things are involved... pay attention, there's got to be more to this.
JackJack Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I agree with norajane. He made a decison WITHOUT you. You are in this marriage too. I find it pretty selfish on his part. "He said he didn't want to talk about counseling anymore." Of course he doesn't, he wants it dropped, and he wants it to be a done deal, whats done is done seems to be the way he sees it, and wants you to go along with it. He has gotten HIS way. He basically got HIS way at the expense of not telling you how he truly felt upfront. You said he tried to talk you into maybe deciding not to want to have a baby. He has no more right to talk you out of wanting to have a baby than you do to try to convince him to have one with you. If you want one and he doesn't, you both are in the wrong marriage. I highly doubt you will change your minn about wanting one, and he wont change his mind about NOT wanting one.
Author PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 No, I think this is way too big to just blow over. I want my own baby. I feel like if I let some time pass, maybe we could talk about it again. On the other hand, why would I want to stay with someone who has it in them to do something so selfish. I've told him so many times, we are a unit, we are one. You don't go make a decision like that when you're both not in agreement. I would never go against his wishes on something so very important to him. This is the problem for me: I'm 35 and I don't want to start over again. And it took me 10 years to find him. There's a good chance I wouldn't find someone else before I was out of the safety range for first time pregnancy. And I love him. I don't want to just go out and get pregnant. I want everything to be right. I want a husband and father who would be just as happy about a baby as I would be. Then I also think, you were on your own for so long, you can do it again. And at least you would have a chance for a family. As it is, there is zero chance.
angie2443 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 This is the problem for me: I'm 35 and I don't want to start over again. And it took me 10 years to find him. There's a good chance I wouldn't find someone else before I was out of the safety range for first time pregnancy. And I love him. I don't want to just go out and get pregnant. I want everything to be right. I want a husband and father who would be just as happy about a baby as I would be. . I'm curious, what took you ten years to find someone that is right for you? How is your husband perfect for you? Also, and I'm not trying to scare you, but if you do want a baby of your own, you really shouldn't wait. Some women can have children after 40. Some can't. The age of your partner also affects this. There is no way of knowing if you're one of those women who can have children late or not. You don't want to end up empty and bitter because of this. I think you are going to have to look hard at yourself and make a decision if you can deal with not having a baby. Don't go to your husband for this. He seems out of the picture on this one. Also, you might want to try a differant counselor. He might end up bieng good, but the fact that he kind of labled you after an hour of talking to you doesn't seem right.
Author PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Angie - I had a few relationships that lasted give or take two years. With each one, in time, I found out things about these individuals that I knew were not things I was looking for in a husband. I was single between these time. I was trying to be very picky. When I met my current husband, we were friends for over a year, then we started dating. He was someone who had his priorities in order, had his head on straight. He wasn't someone who was dependent, I didn't think. He has a great career in finance. He was debt free, other than a small amount owed on his home. And after the premarital counseling, I knew we were on the same page with everything - especially how to treat each other, and what marriage means and how to make it work. His main problem was that he went through a terrible divorce - she cheated on him and they had a son together. He had put all his trust in her and she betrayed him. On top of that, he gave her everything in the divorce in order to get shared custody. (They each have him a week at a time.) We talked often about his hurt and what she had done to him. That was the reason I waited so long to date him - I knew he was not over her. However, over a year after I met him, I thought I saw a change in him, and that he had really made some progress, so I decided I needed to give it a chance. That's how we got together, and why I thought he was so right for me. Now I see he has not gotten over his trust issues at all! I thought when you married someone, you committed to that person and your future together. You don't bring in your old fears. You start new with that person. Easier said that done! I really feel that he wanted to be past everything, so he tried to make himself and me believe he was.
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 as the third wife, I know it's a HUGE battle uphill trying to convince your spouse that YOU are NOT his ex(es) ... especially if you've got your head screwed on straight about what marriage means to you and you are open about it. I felt like his whipping boy for many years, until I finally got on to him about how unfair it was that I was paying for what they did! however, something you posted scares the hell out of me: "After the premarital counseling, I knew we were on the same page with everything" he went into this marriage lying to you about a deal-breaker, then tried to sway you to his way of thinking, THEN went behind your back to get sterilized so that he wouldn't have to deal with having more kids. And that strikes me as wrong, wrong, wrong. and I honestly don't know if knowing something like this, then having to live with the repercussions of what he did – esp. when they go against everything y'all seemingly were working for – can be healed. Again, he "landed" you under false pretenses, then expected you to come around even though he explicitly knew what your hopes and dreams were regarding a family of your own. not trying to be nosy, but are you Catholic?
Author PatienceIsaVirtue Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 No, I am not Catholic
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 ah, strike that theory (tied into Church teaching that marrying couples must be open to having children). PIAV, I honestly don't know what to say any more than, I really, really feel for you ...
sb129 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 While it would be nice to be diplomatic and try to see it from his side, personally I would consider this to be an absolute dealbreaker. I am about to get married, and my fiance and I have discussed in depth many things that could potentially cause conflict. We found a few lists online that are based on secular and non secular pre-marital counselling. Wanting children is top of most of these lists, before money, religion, etc. Your husband led you to believe that he shared your wish of having your own child, and then deliberately went behind your back and took that decision away from you by doing something physical to prevent this from happening. This is a dealbreaker on so many levels- dishonesty and deception being two key things that I don't think I could forgive. I too want children, and am in my 30s. I told my fiance when we first met that I didn't want to waste time with anyone that didn't want kids. I am really sorry for your pain this must feel dreadful for you. Only you know whether you can forgive your husband. I don't think I could.
Geishawhelk Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Also, you might want to try a differant counselor. He might end up bieng good, but the fact that he kind of labled you after an hour of talking to you doesn't seem right. I absolutely totally agree with this. For him to have put the label on you of being - what was it...clingy? is appalling, and distinctly unprofessional And I hate to come on strong and be harsh but - as far as this issue with your H is concerned? Deal breaker. I would absolutely dump him like a shot. deceitful, selfish and self-centred.
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