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Update on the life of a Planofool


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  • Author
Posted

She took it fine but I don't think it has left yet. I asked for most of it to leave last year......told her where it was and she did nothing about it.

As far as cleaning the bedroom. If she started today it would take her months to clean it out. I am just really frustrated right now. I don't want to come off as looking for sympathy but I look to you folks for advice and ideas. My home life doesn't always lend itself to me implementing your ideas right away. Last night we had a discussion with my 21 yr old son and my wife accused me of taking his side against her. I told her I wasn't trying to take sides I was merely trying to mediate so we could get to resolving the problem without it turning into a screaming match like it always does.

Maybe you have already noticed but I don't make waves unless you push me really hard. I like for people to get along rather than butt heads all day. That I would say has lead to all of my problems at home.

Posted

If you are expecting her to clean your bedroom, I think you will be waiting a very long time.

 

Rent a dumpster, hire some high school kids, and you clean the room.

 

It's one thing to get along, and quite another, to have someone continuously disregard what the rest of the family wants.

 

The family wants a clean house, your wife could care less.

 

Take charge of your family and give yourself the push needed to make the important changes for you and your family.

 

I know you hear what your therapist and all of us are saying......What is stopping you from having the life you all deserve?

 

She'll get mad and scream? So freaking what? She can learn to deal with it and maybe this will be the catalyst that sends her to therapy.

 

What are you so afraid of???????

  • Author
Posted

Is it worth the collatoral damage that will come of it? I guess I am just a person that loves to avoid conflict and likes to get pushed around.

Posted
Is it worth the collatoral damage that will come of it? I guess I am just a person that loves to avoid conflict and likes to get pushed around.

 

This is what you have to decide for yourself.

 

All the talking with us and your therapist will be pointless until you make the active decision to change your life.

 

But of course you know this. The history of your marriage shows you what your future will be.

 

Until you decide that you can't live another day of your life like this, not one more day, I'm afraid that not much will change for you and your girls.

 

At our age, we run out of time to do re-dos on our lives, all we can do is make the most of what we have now and try to ensure the best possible future.

 

I hope when you are 70 you don't look back with regret and wonder what your life would have, could have been had you made the active decision to rock the boat and make enormous waves.

  • Author
Posted

You see I have lived with it for so long and I am used to it.

 

My daughter will call ahead of time from work and say her boyfriend is coming over could we please clean up the downstairs. So we get busy and make it presentable. We did this for our son also. We are programmed to accept this as being alright. It will be like trying to change the direction of the flow of the river. I guess I am thinking the hill is too big to climb.

Why would the therapist say that if I clean out the room she will just fill it back up over time. She said I am living with an alcoholic that needs help. If she won't try and help herself or doesn't want help, I am basically wasting my time trying to fix her or the situations she creates. So I gues I am afraid of losing my family over my wife's disorders that we all have learned to live with.

Posted

I said I would leave this thread alone, but darnit, it resonates with me in such a big way!

 

Plano isn't afraid - For all it's craziness, he's used to it. He runs away, hides her dysfunction (as do the children), and downplays it in his mind. He has probably grown up around dysfunction all his life - maybe one of his parents had an addiction and the other did like Plano's doing. It is learned behavior. His friends, if he allows himself to have any, are most likely co-dependent as well.

 

He avoids the confrontation because it does no good anyway. She will scream at him (or whatever else she does to avoid responsibility) and in the end he feels responsible for her latest episode, like he should have done this or that to make her happy. He's making a mountain out of a molehill. She will blame him. He will accept that blame. He is afraid he's going to lose her and he is desperately afraid of that no matter how messed up she is because that means he failed in his "mission" to bring out the "true person" she is inside. He is lonely because he thinks no one could comprehend what he's going through or why he puts up with it. He has had few if any dependable people in his life, he trusts no one because he's been disappointed so often by people he trusted.

 

Excuses he will make: "She's stressed out" so he needs to take on more of the responsibilities at home. "She can't help it" so she needs him to be more patient and understanding. "People don't understand her" so he needs to have faith in her. "She can't see what she's doing" so he needs to bring it to her attention in a way that won't set her off.

 

He is so frustrated and sick and confused from living around the turbulence and walking on eggshells to try to maintain an even keel at home, that he cannot even understand himself, much less his wife, he doesn't know who he is anymore, so he feels powerless or anxiety driven.

Posted
I said I would leave this thread alone, but darnit, it resonates with me in such a big way!

 

I'm glad that you didn't leave this thread. Thanks for giving me an understanding.

 

I'm sorry that the both of you had/are going through this.

  • Author
Posted

So what will it take to push me over the edge? Another EA? Or do I need to look up Growsomeballs.com and order a pair? How can I make myself do what needs to be done?

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

We had a discussion about the issues of her holding onto her x and her old boyfriends for all these years. She stated she did not know why she did things that she did. I said wouldn't you like to know and she said yes. I said why don't you contact the counseling staff at your work and make an appointment. She agreed and said she would do that. That was two weeks ago.

 

She finally got rid of the pictures I asked her to remove from the house. They left the house and went to her Mother's. Some cleaning of the stairs leading to the bedroom has been done. Things were looking a little better.

 

My 16 yr old daughter had cooked a cake one night while my wife was at work and she made quite a mess. There was one kitchen drawer that she could not get shut that night. The next morning I looked at it and there were plastic bags and cereal bags that had fallen down behind it from years of my wife stuffing used bags back in the drawer above it. So I pulled them out and threw them in the garbage from the kitchen and bathrooms and took it out with the trash that morning.

Our 11 year old daughter catches the bus each morning at the end of our driveway which is 500 yds long. When I am home I walk her to the end and wait for the bus with her. When my wife is home she says she watches out the window to make sure she gets on ok. Thursday morning she walked her down to the end of the driveway....SHOCK.......but there was a motive. She went throught the garbage that was out that morning. She drug a bag of garbage back to the house and took the plastic bags out of it and put them back in the drawer. Now they had been in the trash with her used pads and everything else.

When I got home that night she was leaving for work and she went by me with the bag of garbage and threw it in the can. After she left I started thinking about it and realized that was the garbage I had put out that morning. I went into the kitchen and saw that she had put the bags back in the drawer.

I called her and asked about it and she said she was going to go through them and recycle them. I asked her if she had contacted the Counseling people at work and she said no. I said why not, she said I don't know but I will. I asked when and she said she would take care of it and hung up. She was mad obviously. She called later and said that I was not going to go to her Christmas Party with her the next night and we were not going to go on vacation for spring break. I said are you going to the party and she said probably not but if I do I won't stay long. The party was last night at 7:00 and she came in at 11:00 and slept downstairs in my daughters room.

I want to be mad but I really don't care. I am thinking about telling the kids I have to work out of town and move out for awhile.

Posted

DO NOT LIE TO YOUR KIDS.

 

If you move out...move out. Be honest with them, and with her. Simply tell her and them that you cannot take anymore of her behavior.

 

Tell your wife EXACTLY why you're moving out too.

 

Don't sugar coat it to make her feel better.

 

Move out...make visitation plans with your kids...and see what happens from there.

 

I'd also tell you...do NOT move back in based off her SAYING she wants to change. SEE the change before you take any other steps.

  • Author
Posted

We had a long talk yesterday. I am trying to get her to go to counseling. She has all the excuses why not to go. She asked me if our bedroom being a mess was enough to make me leave. I told her for years I have overlooked it and enabled her and allowed her to do it. Since last year when I learned about her EA all her past I have decided I don't want to live this way and I want her to get help.

She had started the conversation with asking how I made my decision to make up when we have fought in the past. She was trying to make up for her not wanting me to go to her office party. She said when she gets mad at me she puts up a defensive wall around her that she won't bring down unless I would apologise and make up to her.

I was not leaving but things need to change and she needs to get help.

Posted

She was trying to make up for her not wanting me to go to her office party.

 

???? she didn't want you to go to her office party? Gee, wonder why? Was the OM going to be there?

 

Maybe she shouldn't be going to the office party either.

 

 

She said when she gets mad at me she puts up a defensive wall around her that she won't bring down unless I would apologise and make up to her.

 

WHAT??? You need to make up to her??

 

How about bulls##t. SHE is the one that needs to be making it up to you, not the other way around.

 

 

I was not leaving but things need to change and she needs to get help.

 

No, she needs to be served divorce papers. She cheats, emotionally or otherwise, doesn't want you to go to an office party, takes an entitlement attitude like you need to make something up to her?

 

Plano, my man. When are you going to do what you know needs to be done?

Posted
We had a discussion about the issues of her holding onto her x and her old boyfriends for all these years. She stated she did not know why she did things that she did. I said wouldn't you like to know and she said yes. I said why don't you contact the counseling staff at your work and make an appointment. She agreed and said she would do that. That was two weeks ago.

 

She finally got rid of the pictures I asked her to remove from the house. They left the house and went to her Mother's.

 

 

HUH? Still not acceptable. Like I said, if they were of her exes, then no big deal. If they are of the OM, then they need to be destroyed.

 

Please tell me she didn't take pictures of the other man to her mother's because she wants to keep them:confused:

 

 

Then she tells you that you are not going to the Christmas party and goes without you. How convenient for her. Wonder who she rubbed up against there?

 

Plano, I feel for ya man, I wouldn't have stayed this long. You have your reasons I suppose, but she is showing you the utmost disrespect. If you have your own Christmas party by chance, you go without her.

  • Author
Posted

 

HUH? Still not acceptable. Like I said, if they were of her exes, then no big deal. If they are of the OM, then they need to be destroyed.

 

Please tell me she didn't take pictures of the other man to her mother's because she wants to keep them:confused:

 

 

Then she tells you that you are not going to the Christmas party and goes without you. How convenient for her. Wonder who she rubbed up against there?

 

Plano, I feel for ya man, I wouldn't have stayed this long. You have your reasons I suppose, but she is showing you the utmost disrespect. If you have your own Christmas party by chance, you go without her.

 

I will have to check and see if she took the pics of the OM, but I would bet she did. Me not going to her Christmas Party, (Where I know everyone) was punishment for dogging her about going to a counselor. I said what did you tell them was the reason I wasn't there. She told them I had been working 12 hour days and I was too tired. Then she said you didn't want to go anyway. I asked where she got that idea. The OM lives 1200 miles away and she has been NC as far as I can tell.

 

She says she doesn't think she can be helped by counseling. When I talk about her 27 yrs of deceit she just listens but doesn't say anything.

 

I am sticking to my guns this time.....she is going to get help or she is going bye bye.

Posted

Okay, I can't stay away from this thread. Plano, you remind me so much of the way I was years ago.

 

Here's a story: One of the many dysfunctional people in my life is my manic sister - constant drama. One summer she bought a jeep with no roof on it ... she ripped around in thing all summer... but then came winter. Wahh, she had no money for the roof. It was cold and she has kids, so she kept borrowing my car. Well, of course, shortly, I wound up driving her jeep to work every day. One day, I was driving to work with a heavy jacket, hood tied tightly around my face, and wearing my ski pants. It began raining and it was cold and I'm sitting in her roofless junk heap jeep. Traffic was backed up and ... then... I had an epiphany and had to laugh at myself. I stopped lending her my car. Sure, she got mad and hurt. But... she got a hood for her jeep and, after she and the kids caught a few colds, she found a way to get another car.

 

I was enabling her. Taking care of her when she should be taking care of herself. That's what you're doing. You do not have to solve her problems for her. You don't have to accept crappy treatment.

 

Nor should you make excuses to the kids for what's happening. Be honest, they need to trust you.

 

She puts a wall up - translated - It's the old she knows she's wrong and messed up but she can't help it stuff. Next will come a pseudo attempt at fixing her problems, then the slip ups because she's suffered no real consequences, then the fights about it, then her coldness, then you apologizing. Then the whole cycle repeats itself. She needs action not sympathy and patience. She leaves until she gets it together. Why should you have to be separated from your children because she won't help herself? You are the stable parent. You stay. She goes. It is not a divorce. It is a kick in the behind she desperately needs.

 

Also... her statement about a messy bedroom not being enough for you to leave her is yet another way for her not to acknowledge she has problems. She's insinuating you're making a mountain out of a molehill which is standard practice. She knows darn well why you are fed up and tired. You have been clear about it.

 

Game playing.

Posted

She doesn't think she can be helped? Again, she's the poor helpless victim in need of saving. She's too weak. That is just not true. She CAN do it. She just doesn't want to bad enough.

 

If you throw her out until she gets individual counseling for her issues, what is the worst that can happen? She will not die. Neither will you. She will get help for herself OR you will learn to live without the chaos and heal your life.

Posted
I will have to check and see if she took the pics of the OM, but I would bet she did.

 

If she did, then it should be over. She isn't wanting to give up the OM and is disrespecting the wishes of a man that is trying to forgive a cheating wife. She has a chance and should run with it, but instead looks like she is playing you for a fool thinking you aren't going to do anything about it and that she can keep these pictures of the other man so she can bring back fond memories of him.

 

 

She says she doesn't think she can be helped by counseling.

 

Well what does she think she needs help with? Forgetting the other man? Being a faithful wife?

  • Author
Posted

Why would she need to hang onto the OM? He is 1200 miles away, he can't support her, he is an alchoholic, he can't keep a job and he is her 2nd cousin. She has said over and over if something happened to us she would not go to him. I mean come on what part of her mind sees the need to keep his pictures and memories?

  • Author
Posted

Just confirmed it.....she kept all the pictures of the OM. I told her to get them out of my house and she did. She just took them to her Mother's house and stored them in the basement with the rest of her pictures.

Posted
Why would she need to hang onto the OM?

 

She wants to hang on to his memory and be able to look at his picture from time to time. That is highly unacceptable and disrespectful to you.

 

You won't be able to take her memories of him away, but you should expect to have memoribilia of him destroyed.

 

 

He is 1200 miles away, he can't support her, he is an alchoholic, he can't keep a job and he is her 2nd cousin. She has said over and over if something happened to us she would not go to him.

 

So what? She still has no business keeping things that are related to him if she wants to keep your marriage.

 

 

 

I mean come on what part of her mind sees the need to keep his pictures and memories?

 

 

The part that will always pine for someone like him. The part that will pine for another man.

 

By her keeping pictures of him is showing major disrespect to you.

 

I'd tell her, either the pictures and other items of him are destroyed, or the marriage is over.

 

If her reaction is one of, "not a problem", well then you might have a chance.

 

If her reaction is of anger or annoyance that she would have to destroy them, then there is your answer. Get rid of her.

 

And if she agrees to destroy them, you need to watch it happen. You need to go with her when she gets the pictures the first time and make sure she isn't holding any back.

Posted
Just confirmed it.....she kept all the pictures of the OM. I told her to get them out of my house and she did. She just took them to her Mother's house and stored them in the basement with the rest of her pictures.

 

Then tonight tell her you both are going over there, you are getting the box of pictures, pulling out the ones of him, and anything else that have to do with him, and you are burning them on site.

 

Don't let her weasel her way out of this. If she doesn't want to do it or gets angry at the idea, then kick her out of the house.

  • Author
Posted

Actually she told me to destroy them when I found them. I told her it wasn't my place to do that. One time I threw away some junk hangers that were her deceased fathers and she got real mad at me. She said those were her Dads stuff and she would do what she wanted with them. She ended up throwing them out.

Back to the pictures, I felt that she needed to be the one destroying them and she has done that with some stuff. I just felt like it would mean more to us both if she destroyed them.

Posted

But Plano... she hasn't destroyed them. She's only moved them to her mother's house. Her mother supported her relationship with her cousin, her lies to you for all those years.

 

Oh I give up Plano. The bottom line is you have to believe in YOURSELF. That you deserve better treatment and respect. Until you do that, nothing will change. You'll keep running these circles til the day you die. What is sad is that co-dependence is learned behavior. What are you teaching your children? Think about it, Plano, and keep working on yourself.

Posted
Actually she told me to destroy them when I found them. I told her it wasn't my place to do that.

 

Bah, so what. I know its not your place, but destroy them anyway. Is she suggesting that you go to her mother's and go in and get them?

 

If so, destroy them all, even the ones that aren't of the other man and she can consider it a penalty for not destroying them in the first place and trying to hide it from you:cool:

 

But then again, she could have told her mom to take certain ones out that are near and dear to her heart and hide them somewhere else in her house.

 

 

One time I threw away some junk hangers that were her deceased fathers and she got real mad at me.

 

Well, this is a different story. This is a case where you should be mad at her for keeping them in the first place. As far as her getting mad after she told you to destroy them, well thats just too bad for her cheating little heart.

 

 

 

Back to the pictures, I felt that she needed to be the one destroying them and she has done that with some stuff. I just felt like it would mean more to us both if she destroyed them.

 

Thats why she wants you to do it. Because it would be hard for her to destroy memories of the other man. hence, she still wants to be in an affair with him, emotional or otherwise.

 

I still don't know why you stay with her.

Posted
But Plano... she hasn't destroyed them. She's only moved them to her mother's house. Her mother supported her relationship with her cousin, her lies to you for all those years.

 

Ya, and if I were Plano, I'd have a few choice words for her mother too.

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