avitavin Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I'm a brand new member and am desperate for some advice. The story's long so I don't know how much I should get into on this first post. Basically, I'm afraid my marriage is over. I'm fairly sure he's having an affair. I've done the checking the cell phone thing (which he is paranoid about). There are always several calls or texts from several other women. One in particular has tried desperately to break us up, including sending me false texts and emails that he was having an affair and sending him messages that I'm bad mouthing him to everyone and planning on leaving. A couple of years ago, someone sent me copies of emails on his email acct that look like they're between him and this woman and they were very sexually explicit. When I asked him, his story kept changing. No it was some guy who didn't like him trying to set him up, someone had hacked into his account, finally settling on - he was letting a friend from work use his email to talk to "her" and they were having the affair. Am I stupid or what to believe this? Then all these new attempts from her. I accidentally intercepted an email from her to his work address (not his personal one) saying how she was so sorry for doing all of that and she just wanted their relationship back. For the past month, he and I have barely spoken to each other unless there was something to discuss re: kids. I was suppose to go to one of his conferences with him this weekend but now he suddenly said he would be in classes all day and special groups in the evening so it would be pointless for me to come. I find that even more curious when I noticed a 30minute phone call on our cell bill from her to him just the week before. Am I reading too much into this? I have asked him point blank " Are you sleeping with someone else?" He says no, I'm paranoid and I should just trust him. REALLY need some advice here. I'm usually very practical about things but this is emotional for me and I just want to know if I am being paranoid.
Geishawhelk Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Go with him. Insist on going with him. If he fights it, or protests you'd be bored, tell him you'll take a book, anything, but go with him. Watch him like a hawk. Or get a PI to follow him, get some evidence, then present him with the bill, the evidence and the divorce papers. Either way, it sounds to me as if your instincts are right. This ended a long time ago. Tell me again, what the attraction is.....?
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Avatavin - 1. You are not being Paranoid. Rest assured, know it, and get that straight. 2. You are being GASLIGHTED. Look it up, right now. Your husband is telling you what you see is not there, what is happening is not happening. 3. Your marriage may be over. It may be not. After you look up the above (here and elsewhere) you will find there is a specific course of action to take. You have to expose all of the truth and all of the lies. If you don't , you will go crazy, and lose your marriage anyway. 4. You are the victim of your H's actions. That isnt right because you didnt do anything, he did. HE has to have consequences to his actions that cannot be denied, are tangible , and affect HIM. Keep posting. You are not alone and certainly not crazy. You can take back your life.
Author avitavin Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 I appreciate your responses. I've thought about just driving up one night to see if he's in one of his "groups" but we've got small children and I have a responsibility to them and right now, that responsibility is first. Especially, if things are going to go bad between their dad and myself. There have been signs that there are other women throughout our marriage but he's a charming guy and flirting comes naturally to him. Most of the time I do think it's a desperate woman who is attracted to him and pursuing him more than him being responsive. He's a very polite gentleman and has told me more than once that he feels sorry because they don't have anyone. I've always said I'll need irrefutable proof before I kick him out because I just feel it's necessary with kids. One day, I'm going to have to explain why and I want them to know that it was unquestionable. But he emphatically and consistently denies. Is there another way or do I just wait till the guilt gets to him and he comes clean?
PandorasBox Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 If you haven't already, seek the advice of a lawyer, so they can tell you exactly what you need to do and not do etc. To just be prepared at least. I'm sorry you're going through this.
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Until he has consequences and his infidelity affects him directly, he isnt going to have guilt and he isnt going to come clean. GASLIGHTING.
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Am I stupid or what to believe this? It's what you want to believe, because facing the truth is sickening. Yes, he's having affairs, and yes, he's totally lying to you to try to cover it up, and yes, his lies are really, really lame. I've always said I'll need irrefutable proof before I kick him out because I just feel it's necessary with kids. You already have proof. You'd just rather believe his lies about those emails and texts and calls because you don't want to believe he's been cheating on you. I mean, really - he had several different versions of the story before saying someone else used his computer to carry on an affair? Really? That's one of the lamest stories I've heard yet. Most of the time I do think it's a desperate woman who is attracted to him and pursuing him more than him being responsive. He's a very polite gentleman and has told me more than once that he feels sorry because they don't have anyone Who appointed him savior of all lonely single women? That's bull right there. A man who values his marriage will not make his wife suspicious and upset about affairs because he feels sorry for those women. He would back off those kinds of interactions unless he doesn't give a damn about his wife's feelings, or he's having affairs.
Author avitavin Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 I had an appointment with a lawyer back when I received the copies of the emails and had to cancel it because of a family illness. Later, my mother asked me why I had made an appointment with the lawyer? Small town, people talk. I wanted to string the loudmouth up and remind him of confidentiality issues. I'm extremely private about my life. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm posting to a public website but I just needed to let it out and ask for some advice. If he is gas lighting me, ( my new favorite word now), what do I do?
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Truly, there isnt really anything you can DO about Gaslighting. But knowing about it can at the very least give you a sense of what is happening to you. Make no mistake here: Something is being done to you. You are not imagining a thing, or being sensitive, or paranoid. In fact, I hate to say this but your H has you so effectively convinced that you are not seeing what is clearly in front of you. First thing is to wrap your head around that and become empowered with the knowledge that you are no longer completely in the dark, no longer have to wonder.
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I had an appointment with a lawyer back when I received the copies of the emails and had to cancel it because of a family illness. Later, my mother asked me why I had made an appointment with the lawyer? Small town, people talk. I wanted to string the loudmouth up and remind him of confidentiality issues. I'm extremely private about my life. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm posting to a public website but I just needed to let it out and ask for some advice. If he is gas lighting me, ( my new favorite word now), what do I do? What would you do if you caught him in bed with another woman? Whatever that is, that's exactly what you should be doing now. Just because you haven't caught him in bed, you're allowing yourself to think maybe it's not happening. But it is. At that conference, that's exactly what he'll be doing. So act accordingly. Talk to a lawyer - preferably one that's out of town, if you value anonymity.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Oh dear, I haven't even read the other posters responses - but I have to tell you...he is having an affair and is trying to keep it from you. Until he sees the light and gets out of the relationship with the other woman, he will not leave her on his own. He is in Affair fog - it really happens...sorry you are going through this...it's HARD!!!! First of all you have to not allow yourself to be a doormat - whether that means making him sleep on the couch or packing his stuff up...you have to set boundaries and let him know that you are not willing to share your husband, PERIOD.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Once again - I have to say....pack his stuff for him...tell him in a calm rational voice - you need leave because I refuse to share my husband with anyone...when you decide you want to be a husband and a father you may return home but not until then. I will not be a doormat or someone who is kept at home while you have inappropriate relationships with other women. Have a friend there when you do this! And prepare yourself for the rollar coaster because you will be tearing down his ego big time in standing up for yourself...it will take some time but he will open his eyes....or he will get his 'girlfriend' pregnant and that will open his eyes...or perhaps he will file for divorce - though this rarely happens. I don't know you or all of your situation...but I was in your shoes, the above is what I did....it was a long year - but we are on our feet again as a married couple and the OW is pregnant and is miserable....
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Oh - one more thing...I know this is humilitating...been there and done that - but get yourself checked for every STD under the sun!
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 DWD and OP - I have to laugh a little here. When I read of a new poster's infidelity problem, when they first post and discover it...and see their circumstances with the hindsight I unfortunatly now have.... I want to tell them STOP. Here is my phone # !! Call me Right Now. Better yet, I will come to YOU. LOL. Our passion and urgency is simply based on not wanting you to make so many of the exact same mistakes so many of us do. Use our hindsight. Relationships are unigue....but Infidelity is NOT.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Being Cheated on sucks big time!!!!! Don't worry .... you aren't alone! It helps to post stuf and talk about it and get insight into people's lives. I originally came on here to get inside the head of someone who was willingly involved with a married man - I just couldn't wrap my head around why in the world a woman would want to be with someone she knew was going home to a wife and children....I realize why now....you may come to that step somewhere along the long road you have ahead of you...don't rush...take it one day at a time...stick up for yourself and your children REMEMBER - you are teaching your children what love is...so even if it is hard for you to stand up for yourself in this situtation...you have to stand up for your kids!
Author avitavin Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 That is one of my biggest fears, that my children will catch on and think that this is ok - it's just the way it is. But if I pack his stuff and tell him to leave I can already hear the conversation. Him - I've told you. I am not having an affair. Me - What about everything between you and OW? Him - There's nothing going on. We're just friends. I'm not allowed to have friends? Me - Not when they try to break us up. Him - I told her I didn't want to have anything to do with her after that. She's obviously a liar. Me - Then why does she still call and you still talk to her? We'll just continue to go round and round. Because, fact of the matter is, I have no proof. Just suspicions. It's just frustrating that's all. I wish he would be a man and come clean. Then maybe we can deal with it. I think one of the reasons is because after he slipped once a few years ago (another long drama) I told him there were no more second chances. It would be over.
JackJack Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Hire a PI to find out for sure. If a PI is to expensive (most are) do you think there is someone that you know, that he doesn't that would be trustworthy enough to see what may or may not be going on? maybe you and a friend could go check things out together? If you get proof do you feel it will change how you feel?
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 That is one of my biggest fears, that my children will catch on and think that this is ok - it's just the way it is. But if I pack his stuff and tell him to leave I can already hear the conversation. Him - I've told you. I am not having an affair. Me - What about everything between you and OW? Him - There's nothing going on. We're just friends. I'm not allowed to have friends? Me - Not when they try to break us up. Him - I told her I didn't want to have anything to do with her after that. She's obviously a liar. Me - Then why does she still call and you still talk to her? We'll just continue to go round and round. Because, fact of the matter is, I have no proof. Just suspicions. It's just frustrating that's all. I wish he would be a man and come clean. Then maybe we can deal with it. I think one of the reasons is because after he slipped once a few years ago (another long drama) I told him there were no more second chances. It would be over. You don't have to have this conversation. You can tell him that he already had his one chance, and now it's up to him to prove to you that he's NOT having an affair. You don't have to prove anything to him. If he can't prove it, then it's time for a divorce. No more chances. Stick to your word.
2sunny Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 most men will never tell until you have absolute proof - then they still lie! don't expect the truth from him... if you want it you'll have to get it yourself. install a keylogger on his computer. place a voice activated recorder in his car, office and anywhere you think he may have a conversation or phone conversation with her. they aren't that expensive. show up at his work unexpectedly, see if he's uncomfortable - if he's hiding nothing - it shouldn't be a big deal if you drop by to give him cookies you baked with the kids... pay attention to his body language! check his money and where it's spent. check his time allotment and where he is and for how long. no need to tell your kids anything. this is between you and him... even if you split - the kids don't need the details.
jmargel Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Buy a voice activated digital recorder. Put it in the back pocket of the driver seat of his car. Wait a day or two and play it back. There's your proof.
2sunny Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Buy a voice activated digital recorder. Put it in the back pocket of the driver seat of his car. Wait a day or two and play it back. There's your proof. they make ones that look like a pen or a lighter so if he finds it - that's no big deal. look it up online.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I understand what you are saying....think of it this way - if he isn't having an affair he should be bending over backwards to prove to you that he isn't! ALSO if he knows you are threatened by his 'friendship' with another female, shouldn't he have enough respect for you to end that 'friendship'....my Husband played the we are just friends card....that was over a year ago....now she is knocked up. If you don't feel comfortable packing his stuff....at least set the boundary in your bedroom. Tell him you refuse to share him with another woman! AND since this is his second indescretion....he is probably covering his tracks from repeating the same mistakes he made the first time to keep you from seeing the same signs. The voice thing is a good idea... Show up this weekend at his hotel room....'suprise' him....that's another option. I do understand how you feel about needing proof. I felt the same way - look where it got me...the other woman is having a child...you don't want to wait until he is caught like my hubby was.
norajane Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Show up this weekend at his hotel room....'suprise' him....that's another option. Nah, the cheating husbands go to the woman's hotel room, not his room.
LakesideDream Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 most men will never tell until you have absolute proof - then they still lie! don't expect the truth from him... if you want it you'll have to get it yourself. install a keylogger on his computer. place a voice activated recorder in his car, office and anywhere you think he may have a conversation or phone conversation with her. they aren't that expensive. show up at his work unexpectedly, see if he's uncomfortable - if he's hiding nothing - it shouldn't be a big deal if you drop by to give him cookies you baked with the kids... pay attention to his body language! check his money and where it's spent. check his time allotment and where he is and for how long. no need to tell your kids anything. this is between you and him... even if you split - the kids don't need the details. 2sunny, Both women and men Gaslight their partners when they are in affairs. It's not a gender specific thing. I know, I've been there, and felt the results. Beyond that your advice is right on.
2sure Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 From my experience with infidelity and gaslighting I can tell you that this need for proof is all BS. If you catch him in the act , red handed, with OW in bed, having intercourse.....his response will be exactly the same. You don't need proof to prove to him he is cheating on you. Read that again. I mean, it doesnt even make sense. You have proof. To many of us, you have all the proof you need to know he is betraying you. If you still feel you do not, for whatever reason...then get more proof. But understand, that more proof is just for you. Not to "prove" anything to him. Because : 1. You don't freaking have to ! 2. You can't.
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