Susanv Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I need help so desperately. I'm totally devastated by my break-up. I'm 33 years old and this was my first serious relationship. I was alone for 12 years and after that relationship ended after only two months I was crushed. During the 12 years I met only two men and nothing ever came of it. I sort of made peace with it all. I honestly felt as if God forgot about me. Everyone around me got married and started families. I was alone. Then in March of this year this man walks into my life and he's everything that I always wanted. We were a perfect fit. I thought God had finally remembered about me!! He told me I was his number 1, he loved me and me alone, "one day when we're married" and he gave me so much hope for my future. I had the best time of my life. And I was so happy. Now you will ask me what went wrong. I may lose a lot of sympathy here because this man is married. I don't know how I got involved in something like this. But if someone tells you he's in love with you after you've been alone for 12 years, how do you turn and walk away? I couldn't even if I wanted to. I was in love with him too. He's struggling financially (he's a photographer) and he more than once said we should make more money so that he could get out of his marriage. He clearly was not happy there. I could tell he had a lot of resentment because his wife was paying for everything (according to her) and she made him feel useless. We were together for 7 months before his wife found out. After all the things he said about how he wanted out of the marriage, he turned around and went back to her. It is clear that she doesn't support his business because he's not making enough money for her. And it's not true. I know how hard he works, he's so passionate about his photography. It's not like he's lazy and doesn't want to do anything as she's making him out to be. I have so many unanswered questions. For months he kept saying one thing and then he turned around and did the complete opposite. I simply don't understand. I sent him one email afterwards as I wanted answers. He's chose not to answer. Talk about agony. Do you think he went back to her because of the financial security she provides? Maybe she made him believe he can't survive without her? If someone tells you you are useless enough times, you start to believe it. I'm talking from experience. I don't know what to believe anymore. It's now almost been 6 weeks since I saw him last. I know the relationship was wrong, but I kept hoping he'll leave his unhappy marriage.
Geishawhelk Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I'm afraid you've fallen for the same lines an awful lot of young, gullible and romantic people fall for. First of all, his criticising his wife: many spouses in affairs will do this to gain your sympathy, pity understanding and bed. They will paint a negative picture of their spouse, to make you feel sorry for them. It's wonderful pillow talk. If things really were that bad, and he did feel for you the way he said he did - then going back would not have been an option, would it? Not unless there were children, or it was to sign the papers. To put it bluntly - he played you like a fish on a line, and you fell for it. You have absolutely no idea really whether she supports his business or not. Granted, he may have told you a lot of stuff - but really, in the cold, grey light of day - under the circumstances - what can you believe? Not him. he's lied to you, and gone back to his wife. He won't communicate with you, get in touch or speak to you - and when he did, it was "say one thing do another". if he really felt anything for you, he would have been in touch, somehow, by now. The hold his wife has over him is called Love. he probably does love her. Their marriage may not be perfect, but you only have his word for it that it's "unhappy". And it's that way, because HE made it that way. The problems they have are for them to sort out. But one thing's clear. you're not part of it any more.
fishtaco Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 He's a cheater. Period. If his marriage is really so miserable, he should divorce her first. Even if he just had a girlfriend instead of a wife, he should still break up first before starting anything new. When people cheat, they can't be trusted. People that cannot be trusted will always say one thing and do another. Stay AWAY from cheaters. Dating is like anything else. Basketball, chess, poker. It's a fun and cooperative activity, yet you are pitching your minds against each other. If you don't do it on a regular basis, you will be bad at it, and you'll make all kinds of beginner mistakes, and you'll fall for all kinds of fakes and feints that the other participant may throw at you. Just to clarify once you reach serious relationship this should end, but during the dating phase it's mind games galore, whether you like it or not. This guy should not have gotten past the dating stage. Why were you alone for 12 years? As you can see that creates all kinds of problems. I don't want to make it sound like it was your fault. It's not, he's the cheater douchebag. But you could help yourself by getting more involved in the dating scene and get more experience. If you don't want to play games, that's okay, but you have to learn enough about it to sniff out the losers. There are no dating police out there. There are dating etiquettes and guidelines (which are broken on a regular basis), but no dating laws. There is rarely any significant repercussion for someone that takes whatever they want then laugh in your face. That's why each of us have to be personally responsible for our own protection. Go out and date. Many guys. At the same time -- not as in on the same date, but like John this week, Joe next week, then back to John because he's fun, then Steve after. Don't look for a long term relationship, you can't run until you learn to walk first. Casually date. Don't put your heart into it. Get a feel of the dating scene.
NewSunrise Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Rather than ask, "How do I go on", ask yourself "How can I NOT go on?" Big diff isn't? He has moved on. And he will move on with another woman. And you? That's entirely up to you. You can wish, regret, and replay every aspect of that relationship. But it doesn't change the result. His wife finding out----did you a favor. Good luck. You will do fine.
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