Dating A Nice Girl-Kind of thrown off here.

[BlueHarvest]

Edit: Our ages are 24, and she is 23...figured I throw this in here for anyone looking for references to age experience.

 

This girl I'm seeing now is everything I've been looking for in a girl.

 

I won't go into specifics but I'll start off by saying she is quite nice and dresses alot better then most girls her age. (I.e. A bit more conservative.)

 

But to give a little background info, we've been dating for nearly 3 weeks. Kissed a few times. Tonight went to dinner and a concert. She is just back from college and living with her parents. I'm just newly moved into my new apartment. I know she's into me. I'm into her. I dont' want to move fast cause this is the kind of girl I don't want the relationship turning into something based on sex. Anyways...

 

Tonight after concert I casually offered to see if she would like to come hang out at my new place and I quote "Wanna come hang out and see the new place tonight...or tommorow if you gotta be home soon?"

 

She kind of avoided the question and when I pressed she said tommorow would be fine. I figured that 11 PM at night she thought I only wanted one thing...reality is I just wanted a bit of privacy to make out and just chill without her parents breathing down my neck.

 

Anyways on the way back from the concert she started talking about her mother and how she obssesses over her and her sister. Well, despite similarties between our parents she started talking about how her mother acts and well you know that feeling you get in your head? That little voice nagging at the back of your head..Well it started going off.

 

I began to notice a bit of duality in her behavior. When she is around her parents she is for lack of a better description "prim, proper, and lets mother make all her choices for her." When she's not around her mother she talks smack about her and kind of states her frustration with her mother.

 

Nothing serious..no pyscho-stalker vibes...but it just kinda caught my attention.

 

Anyways we get back to her (parents) house. Long story short we make out for a couple minutes in my car before I walk her up to her house. Nothing wrong....until she says "go slower."

 

Talk about embarrassing... I suppose it's better that she stated what she wanted rather then just say nothing and not call me again. 'Course the latter part might still happen.

 

I consider myself good at kissing..but not good at making out, if you can understand that.

 

I guess I'm over-reacting a bit to these two situations (the duality of her behavior, and the making out-comment.)

 

Just thought I'd spitball that situation at you LS folks to see what you think.

[CarrieT]

Simple. You have your own apartment. You ask her there. In her mind, that equals nothing but SEX. You were exactly right that at 11:00 at night, she was concerned. Assure her that you like her enough and don't just want that but maybe you could ask her over for a morning brunch or just "stop by" for something (a coat?) while on a date. When she sees that you are just running in and out for something, it might make her more receptive to visiting another time.

[DollWelch]

One thing is for sure: You are judgmental.

 

You are imposing your true ideals on her. You assess whether her every move is perfectly aligned with your game plan, and check off list. One small mistake, on her part, and your radar goes off. That, right there, is ridiculous.

 

You can't treat a woman, you barely know, like that. You're still getting to know her -and the best you can do, at this stage, is to put your check list and paranoia away.

 

As for her parents, I advice you against delving into that category. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their parents, and it may certainly not be the exact same way you deal with yours.

 

The most important thing you should be focusing on is to get to know her as a person, without pushing too hard for intimacy. Believe that the more relaxed and gentleman you are with her, the more she'll appreciate you.

 

Don't make the mistake of messing things by bedding her quickly, giving her the silent treatment for 2 weeks, then returning to patch things up only because you liked her more than you thought you did.

[Big]

Dude, It sounds like you really like this girl. Its early days and you said she is everything youve been looking for this means youve been looking and you are probably thinking "Ok, she seems so perfect, whats wrong with her." so you have noticed these "nagging thoughts." dont worry. nobody is perfect. She is still young and not moved out of home yet, didnt you used to talk about your parents when you were still living at home when they were out of ear shot. I bloody did. Also dont worry about the kissing thing, almost every girl i have been with has given me pointers as to how they like things done. Dont think that one thing is going to work for everyone. learning what each other likes and giving it is all the fun of a new relationship, enjoy it, maybe further down the line you will have some pointer for her (every girl on the planet needs help when it comes to a rub and tug as it is a very personal thing for guys which they have perfected over a long amount of time and enjoy a specific way. lol) Let her know that she is in a relationship where she is able to voice her preferences and have them heard and she will like you all the more. As for the house thing. if she calls one day and asks you out say something completely plutonic like "my house is a tip and i wanted to spend some time today tidying things up, but you can come and help if you want, and i will buy you lunch for helping." or something like that. she will find it nice that you are being responcible and doing house chores, plus it shows that as a gift you are going to takes her out of the house so she wont feel like its a trap, plus she gets a free meal. then go through with it. dont suggest sex or anything. and ask her where she wants to go for lunch shortly after she arrives just to put her mind at ease (it'll remind her that she doesnt have to stay.) this will build trust that i think will be benificial to the relationship you are trying to have with her (non sex based, and long term.).

I read you post and i like you. you sound like a good guy and i wish you the best.

[norajane]

1. I'd table her parental issues for now. I'm sure it sucks living with your parents after the freedom of college. She probably hates the restrictions she's faced with, so she complains to you. She probably does respect them, which is why she isn't making a big stink with them and vents to you and probably her other friends. Having grown up with over-protective parents, I totally get her point of view.

 

2. Go slowly means just that. She may have thought you were getting too into it during the make-out session, and coupled with what she thought was an invitation to your place to have sex, she blurted that out. It doesn't mean she didn't like how you were kissing her, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you. It means she wants to take the time to know you more before having sex with you.

 

Once you have sex, relationships tend to change to revolve more around the physical and less around getting to know each other as people...she's probably wary of that. And you haven't been dating long, so there isn't a whole lot of trust built up yet. She's probably worried that maybe you just want sex and might stop calling OR stop respecting her if she does that too soon.

 

You may not be thinking any of that, and you may not even be all that concerned about having sex NOW, but that actually is not clear to her based on what you've posted. So you have to give her the benefit of the doubt since she really doesn't know what you have in mind.

 

So have fun doing fun stuff together until you both trust each other, keep kissing her, and eventually, the time will be right for more.

[BlueHarvest]

Thanks Nora. I guess you right about the parental issues. Thinking back these past 3 months in between apartments staying at my parents house I can see some similarities between our attitudes towards our respective parents.

 

As for the going slowly thing I realized that. I was just kind of worried she said that. I thought maybe that she might break it off just cause I'm not "great" at making out or stuff like that. Silly, Yes, but I worry about little things that I shouldn't worry about in the first place.

[kashmir]

I don't think you did anything terribly wrong.

 

It's simple what happened. She thought you were looking to get laid that night. Even if you didn't have those intentions, it certainly came across that way.

 

Take her comment for what it is and nothing else. I tend to think like you. I think something is messed up if a girl backs off from my initial kiss or stops my advances. There's nothing wrong. You're the guy. You have to make the attempts, and she will respond to those attempts based on what she feels comfortable with. It's obvious that she's not comfortable going over to your place at 11 pm or doing anything more than making out (maybe she's not even ready to make out), but if she keeps going out with you and you keep giving her signs that you're interested, then it's only a matter of time before she becomes comfortable.

 

Like you said, it looks like you've found a good girl. I wish I could go out with a girl for a while before we make out and move onto other things. It shows me that she rarely opens up to a guy like that, and I would feel very special. Just follow her advice and go slower. Every now and then make an advance to see if she's ready to move on.

 

And I wouldn't worry about the thing with her mom. Everyone has something like that going on.

[whichwayisup]

Invite her for dinner and rent a funny movie to watch. Tell her upfront "This isn't going to lead into the bedroom, it would just be nice to hangout alone and enjoy getting to know eachother in a more comfortable setting.

[norajane]

And you can do other things to show interest and bring you closer, without making out.

 

When you're out, touch her. Touch her arm, or hold hands. Take her hand to help her out of the car, or put your hand on the small of her back to guide her through a doorway. If you feel comfortable enough, brush her hair back from her eyes, or find a moment to kiss her briefly (like when you're finding yourself laughing together and you're looking into her eyes, just lean over and give her a little kiss). Little stuff like that goes a long way.

[BlueHarvest]

Heh. That's a good idea. We've done some of those things. Others I'll remember for future reference.

 

By the way. I think this is officially "our song"

 

 

It's one of my favorites and it was playing right as we were making out.

 

Quite fitting I think.