Jez_UK Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I have an ex that I broke up with, the breakup was messy and we lost contact for a while, but the breakup was due to movement in different directions in life rather than a sense of hating each other. We recently reconnected and I still have a deep well of feelings for her. However, the deal breaker that broke us up is still there and is not likely to change. Has anybody else been in this situation? We meet up occasionally, every few months or so, but I always wonder how I can have the same feelings for her despite having feelings in other relationships that I've been in since then.
fishtaco Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 So you have a hard time staying only friends with her because you want to get back together with her? You just answered your own question. The deal breaker is still there. Break ups are hard for people that have real relationships. If you get back together with her, you'll have to go though the break up process again. You know that too. Isn't that enough of a deterrent? I'm in the similar situation partially. I just broke up with my girlfriend last night where it was 80% absolutely wonderful, 20% incompatible, but there are a couple of deal breakers hiding in that 20%. Those are tough because the 80% is so great. But if there's a deal breaker, it's just not going to work. A deal breaker is a deal breaker. If it can be compromised then it wouldn't be a deal breaker in the first place. For long term relationship purposes, it's actually better to be with someone that's say 50% wonderful, 50% compromise, but no deal breaker, even though it would feel like the 80% is a better choice. But my situation is different in that I have never gotten back with an ex, and I never will. I have stayed friends with the good ones. One of them that I still keep in contact with was from almost 10 years ago. My view is that ex's are ex's for a reason. Great people can still be incompatible. As far as feelings for her vs feelings for other women in your life. They do not replace each other. Each one is a new memory/feeling. When people try to find a new one to replace the old one, that's called a rebound relationship. It never lasts because "replacements" do not exist. So it's perfectly normal. Your feelings for newer relationships will not overwrite this one. Treasure the memories and enjoy her friendship.
EmperorR Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Friend's respect your emotions and don't kick you to the curb.
Jolie76 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 You can indeed have a friendship with a ex only AFTER you heal COMPLETELY. I have a ex who is now a good friend. He at the time was the person I was so in love with I couldn't see straight. We dated a bit then he decided we were better off as friends. I wanted more and for three years I sat around trying whatever I could think of to get him to change his mind. He didn't I cried and tortured myself forever. I finally woke up one day and was tired of it all and the loneliness and hopelessness, so I just decided to get over him. I didn't have much contact with him because he doesn't like Myspace and we didn't talk on the phone for a long time, no email cuz he's not a email person. That was for about 7 months, and at first it was weird then it got better. It was the hardest thing i've ever done is get over him, and REALLY over him, then we got back in touch awhile later and we've been very good friends ever since. I have no romantic feelings at all and know if I can get over him I can get over anyone. You can be friends later but only if you work on removing the romantic feelings part or else it cannot be possible.
pandagirl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Yeah you can definitely be friends after both of you have healed and have no desire to get back together. I once had a boyfriend who broke up with me and I was crushed. Then about a year later, we became good friends, until I realized how annoying he was and I ended up giving him the boot! haha.
nittanylion Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I can never be friend with an exx. An ex is there for a reason. If I am in a relationship, I expect her to respect me and cut all contacts with her exx. I dont want her to have anything to with exx. Its called mutual respects for each other. I will give her the same respects in return. This way, we can have a peace, loving, and non conflicted relationship.
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