I'm a Virgin...

[MissTiger]

Originally Posted by berrieh:These two thoughts run counter to each other. Virginity has nothing to do with self-respect. I have immense self-respect and thus no need to demonstrate to some man that I was "waiting" for him. If you're waiting, it should be for yourself. Not him.

 

Many of us self-respecting non-virgins feel confident in our own sexuality and respect ourselves by forming the kind of relationships WE want, which may be different from your view. The important thing about virginity is deciding to lose it on YOUR terms---for some people, like you, that might be marriage, but for others, it isn't. Respecting yourself means deciding what your terms are and being true to them.

 

I respect your opinion but I do have something to prove to my future husband, and that is I'm one of those girls that's rare in the world who wasn't willing to give it up to some random guy and was waiting to give him what is rightfully his.

 

When I get married I'll also feel confident in my own sexuality. Yes at first I won't feel so confident, but in time it'll grow.

[norajane]

I respect your opinion but I do have something to prove to my future husband, and that is I'm one of those girls that's rare in the world who wasn't willing to give it up to some random guy and was waiting to give him what is rightfully his.

 

Rightfully his? But his virginity is not rightfully yours and you're ok with that?

 

That double standard really doesn't bother you even a little? I'm sorry, I just cannot wrap my head around that.

[MissTiger]

Rightfully his? But his virginity is not rightfully yours and you're ok with that?

 

That double standard really doesn't bother you even a little? I'm sorry, I just cannot wrap my head around that.

 

Um, his virginity is rightfully mine as well.

[Gremio]

Um, his virginity is rightfully mine as well.

 

I haven't had a chance to read every reply, but are you saying that you would date a man who has had sex? Is that something you ask before you go on a date?

 

I am a sexual person, but I am the rare type of guy. I prefer not to have sex until I am in a relationship. I see sex as a bond. I don't do one night stands, and really despise them.

[norajane]

Um, his virginity is rightfully mine as well.

 

Then you're contradicting yourself, because earlier you said you'd marry a non-virgin, and you'd get over him not being a virgin and you wouldn't feel cheated:

 

The only reason I'd be disappointed if I did marry a non-virgin is because he didn't wait long enough to know that he could given himself to the woman would love him forever, but I'd get over it. He cheated himself.

 

See, this is where I have a hard time with the concept. Somehow, your virginity is a precious gift to him, but you'd get over it if he doesn't give you the precious gift of his virginity. And you believe he's cheating himself if he's not a virgin when he marries you, but you wouldn't feel cheated that you saved yourself for him and he didn't save himself for you.

 

That double standard doesn't seem right to me. Does it really seem right to you? That it's ok if he's not a virgin, but you need to be?

 

No I wouldn't feel cheated, why should I be? Unfortunately men have to prove themselves by sex 80% of the time, and that's not right.

 

So, if you believe his virginity is rightfully yours, how could you not feel cheated???

[berrieh]

I respect your opinion but I do have something to prove to my future husband, and that is I'm one of those girls that's rare in the world who wasn't willing to give it up to some random guy and was waiting to give him what is rightfully his.

 

There's a world of spectrum between Random Guy and Future Husband. I am grateful for the myriad of relationships I've had (some sexual, some not) which have contributed to my understanding. However, I respect your right to have only one in your lifetime, if that's your choice.

 

When I get married I'll also feel confident in my own sexuality. Yes at first I won't feel so confident, but in time it'll grow.

 

How can you possibly know what you will feel?

 

This statement (future tense), to me, implies you don't feel confident in your own sexuality now, which doesn't seem healthy. You don't have to have sex to feel confident in your sexuality. I hope you can feel confident in your own sexuality on your own, before marriage. I know I felt confident in my own sexuality before losing my virginity and it made it feel healthier and better for me.

 

There's more to a woman's sexuality than the act of sex. And waiting for a man to feel confident in your own sexuality seems like a recipe for disaster to me. But just my opinion.

[ThisGuy85]

Waiting for marriage works for some, But not for me! In my eyes for a marriage to work you have to know the ins and outs of the person your with. And you can't truly know who they are until you've experienced everything with them. Let me give an example:

 

Let's say that I was a virgin and was waiting for the right girl to come along. Finally I meet her, She's great and is everything I was looking for and we get married. We're on our honeymoon, and head straight to the hotel. We get in the bedroom and she excuses herself to the bathroom. Moments later she reappears dressed in black leather brandishing a whip in one hand and a ball gag in the other . You see! I did not know that about her!

 

Like I said, To really know someone you have to experience everything with them. But hey If it works for you I'm happy for ya!

[moonmoon]

I think a virginity is the most attractive thing a girl can give you. The fact that my recent ex was a virgin before me has made it impossible to feel attraction to any one else, even the extremely physically attractive girls that I have been with since we broke up.

 

I know its hypocritical, im far from a virgin myself, but I just dont think its possible to love a girl as much as someone who has saved their virginity for you.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Every time I read words like "saved herself for me" or "giving away her virginity" I just get the willies.

 

Your virginity is not a Christmas present wrapped up under the tree!

[MissTiger]

Every time I read words like "saved herself for me" or "giving away her virginity" I just get the willies.

 

Your virginity is not a Christmas present wrapped up under the tree!

 

You sure about that? I mean my virginity is a "gift" to my husband and it doesn't have to be Christmas or his birthday.

[shylight200]

Yeah...I didn't read all the replies just some...

 

but I'm 22 and a virgin. I'm not exactly waiting until I get married or anything like that, but I am waiting for the right guy.

 

I didn't want to lose it in hs. When I got to college, I went from relationship to relationship, nothing lasting more than 5 or 6 months and i didn't want to sleep with someone that i couldn't see myself with long term. And now I'm a senior in college, graduating this year, and i still haven't found "the one"

[moonmoon]

your husband will love you deeply and forever because of that. congrats!

[Gremio]

Yeah...I didn't read all the replies just some...

 

but I'm 22 and a virgin. I'm not exactly waiting until I get married or anything like that, but I am waiting for the right guy.

 

I didn't want to lose it in hs. When I got to college, I went from relationship to relationship, nothing lasting more than 5 or 6 months and i didn't want to sleep with someone that i couldn't see myself with long term. And now I'm a senior in college, graduating this year, and i still haven't found "the one"

 

Just out of curiousity, what happened with your relationships that were six months? I'm surprised you weren't sexually active at least a few months in. I'm all for waiting in a relationship, I believe that if you wait it makes the sex that much better. I'm just surprised that six months in you weren't having sex.

[Trimmer]

These are sweetly innocent outlooks:

My husband wouldn't have any reason to cheat. He loves me right? So he won't have an affair with some other woman.

 

your husband will love you deeply and forever because of that. congrats!

... and I'm not taking potshots at you to try to insult your innocence, but being in love with someone has never guaranteed that it will stay that way forever, and saving your virginity for someone does not guarantee he will "love you forever..." I certainly hope the OP's life turns out to be a fairy tale of deep, eternal, and faithful love with her one, true solemate, but there's just a little more to it than simply handing over the key to her chastity belt. And I know from personal experience that the more naive your innocence, the more brutal the trauma if something does eventually take a turn in a different direction.

 

I didn't want to lose it in hs. When I got to college, I went from relationship to relationship, nothing lasting more than 5 or 6 months and i didn't want to sleep with someone that i couldn't see myself with long term.

Just out of curiousity, what happened with your relationships that were six months? I'm surprised you weren't sexually active at least a few months in.

Well, it's a question of cause and effect, isn't it? Was it that they weren't "keepers" so she never got to the point of having sex, or was it that once you are six months into a relationship at college-age, and you are still holding off, you will have trouble finding someone that will stay with you? I'm not saying that's right, or the way things should be, or any of that, but just acknowledging the reality that for a lot of folks that age, 6 months of dating without sex is not something they are likely to stick around for long term. You have every right to wait, but don't be surprised or mystified that in this day and age, it significantly narrows your field.

 

I'm just surprised that six months in you weren't having sex.

But turn it around the other way - are you surprised that someone who doesn't want to have sex for longer than 6 months would find that most (not all...) partners would not likely stick around long term? Again, I'm not endorsing that attitude - just acknowledging the likely reality.

[shylight200]

Just out of curiousity, what happened with your relationships that were six months? I'm surprised you weren't sexually active at least a few months in. I'm all for waiting in a relationship, I believe that if you wait it makes the sex that much better. I'm just surprised that six months in you weren't having sex.

 

Personally, I don't think 6 months is that long of a time to be in a relationship. It's not like I knew the guy for years before we dated, I knew them for 6 months. I don't know, I think that sex is a really big deal, especially the first time and I just don't want to do it with a guy just for the sake of doing it. I guess I just wasn't ready.

 

Maybe that's why the relationships ended. It's very possible that Trimmer is right, that because I wouldn't have sex with them, they got tired of it and went to find someone who would. But if they're not willing to wait until I'm ready, then I'm glad it's over with them.

 

One ended with the guy wanting to see other people and the other was because we ended up spending the summer apart from one another (I was in another country and he was here, it was for a little over a month) and when we met up again, it just wasn't the same as it was before.

 

Now I"m curious....how long would you normally wait?

[Gremio]

Personally, I don't think 6 months is that long of a time to be in a relationship. It's not like I knew the guy for years before we dated, I knew them for 6 months. I don't know, I think that sex is a really big deal, especially the first time and I just don't want to do it with a guy just for the sake of doing it. I guess I just wasn't ready.

 

Maybe that's why the relationships ended. It's very possible that Trimmer is right, that because I wouldn't have sex with them, they got tired of it and went to find someone who would. But if they're not willing to wait until I'm ready, then I'm glad it's over with them.

 

One ended with the guy wanting to see other people and the other was because we ended up spending the summer apart from one another (I was in another country and he was here, it was for a little over a month) and when we met up again, it just wasn't the same as it was before.

 

Now I"m curious....how long would you normally wait?

 

I am being completely honest and open with you. I'm a male in my mid 20s. I have had sex with less than ten women in my life. I don't believe in hook-ups or one night stands. To me, sex is about the bond and connection with someone you have strong feelings for.

 

Now I am different from a lot of men. I have friends (moreso acquaintences now) who aren't into relationships. Their goal is to sleep with as many women as possible. They aren't friends anymore because I got the feeling his actions were being associated with me.

 

I don't believe in a certain time either. You should do it when you feel it's right. Last week, someone I am VERY seriously interested in ended up staying over my house. We cuddled, kissed, touched... you get the point. No exaggerating... she is a perfect 10. Every... single... guy... their heads turn when she is out. But to me that isn't why I'm into her. She has a wonderful personality and a beautiful mind. I clicked were her and do not want to have sex with her too soon. You know what happened that night? Nothing more than what I said. We did not have sex. Trust me, I wanted to. I'd be gay if I didn't, but I felt a connection with her and wanted to show her that I'm not interested in her for her looks or the sex.

[orangehose]

 

People in love do sometimes cheat, you know… With such a lack of intimacy (nothing more than hand-holding?) before marriage, how long do you imagine dating this person? How well do you imagine knowing them before marriage? How can you be sure it’ll work out?

 

I think it’s a fallacy to assume just because someone waited for marriage means they’d never cheat.

 

Agreed.

 

The fragility of marriage, along with the possibility of marrying very late or not at all, make it very difficult to wait for marriage without a LOT of cognitive dissonance.

 

What if you were a virgin and umarried in your early thirties? Or you marry a guy and get divorced a year or two later? Both not unrealistic possibilities.

[berrieh]

Personally, I don't think 6 months is that long of a time to be in a relationship. It's not like I knew the guy for years before we dated, I knew them for 6 months. I don't know, I think that sex is a really big deal, especially the first time and I just don't want to do it with a guy just for the sake of doing it. I guess I just wasn't ready.

 

Maybe that's why the relationships ended. It's very possible that Trimmer is right, that because I wouldn't have sex with them, they got tired of it and went to find someone who would. But if they're not willing to wait until I'm ready, then I'm glad it's over with them.

 

One ended with the guy wanting to see other people and the other was because we ended up spending the summer apart from one another (I was in another country and he was here, it was for a little over a month) and when we met up again, it just wasn't the same as it was before.

 

Now I"m curious....how long would you normally wait?

 

It's been all different times for me. My first time I waited 11 months (knew the guy for 2 years before dating him) because I just wasn't ready yet. I was 19. I had been ready with the boyfriend before that, about 6 months in, but he was waiting for marriage; he proposed, we got engaged, but I couldn't marry him -- in general (not just sexually), he was too conservative for me; great guy, loved me, but not the guy.

 

With me, it's when I can think that, if the guy got me pregnant (God forbid... I mean, I'm safe!) that we could work it out enough to raise the kid, that we would at least be lifelong friends, if not something more. I know that sounds weird, but it's how my mind is wired.

[exclusivelyME]

Well, I sort of agree. I, too, want to wait until marriage to lose my virginity. I think sex should be something you share with someone you love and not something you just give away in the spur of the moment to any guy. I want a guy who'll want me for me and not just because he can get in my pants. If a guy shows me that he'll wait and respect my decision, it'll just add to my impression of him and make me more inclined to believe that he may be one to hang on to.

 

You say you'd like to marry a virgin and would be disappointed if he weren't. You also say that you think sex is overrated. This is where I disagree. Why should it matter if he were a virgin or not if sex isnt a big deal? I think guys are different than girls and this plays out in sexual intercourse--to whom you lose your virginity and how many partners you have. I may seem a little old fashioned--thats just the way I was brought up and I agree with in the fullest--but thats just my opinion. Overall, I think guys should lose their virginity at a younger age than girls and I think that over a lifetime, should also have a considerably greater number of sexual partners. Now, I'm not saying that its ok for a guy to sleep with the entire female population so don't get me wrong. I think guys should 'experiment' more before meeting that special one, or simply that one he'll later choose to marry and be committed to. After that, there should ONLY be one. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't expect to be the first woman in your future husband's sexual life. If you are, more power to you, but I wouldnt count on it. Saving yourself for him, however, should be of greater significance. Whether they choose to acknowledge it or not, I think taking the virginity of the woman he loves and knowing the woman loved him enough to give it to him, is really special and important to guy--not all guys but the vast majority. Call me old fashioned, but thats just my opinion.

 

 

***disclaimer***

I'm young, so I might not know what I'm talking about

[berrieh]

Overall, I think guys should lose their virginity at a younger age than girls and I think that over a lifetime, should also have a considerably greater number of sexual partners.

 

How does the math work on that one?

 

Who are these guys sleeping with then?

[norajane]

You say you'd like to marry a virgin and would be disappointed if he weren't. You also say that you think sex is overrated. This is where I disagree. Why should it matter if he were a virgin or not if sex isnt a big deal? I think guys are different than girls and this plays out in sexual intercourse--to whom you lose your virginity and how many partners you have. I may seem a little old fashioned--thats just the way I was brought up and I agree with in the fullest--but thats just my opinion. Overall, I think guys should lose their virginity at a younger age than girls and I think that over a lifetime, should also have a considerably greater number of sexual partners. Now, I'm not saying that its ok for a guy to sleep with the entire female population so don't get me wrong. I think guys should 'experiment' more before meeting that special one, or simply that one he'll later choose to marry and be committed to. After that, there should ONLY be one. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't expect to be the first woman in your future husband's sexual life. If you are, more power to you, but I wouldnt count on it. Saving yourself for him, however, should be of greater significance. Whether they choose to acknowledge it or not, I think taking the virginity of the woman he loves and knowing the woman loved him enough to give it to him, is really special and important to guy--not all guys but the vast majority. Call me old fashioned, but thats just my opinion.

 

 

***disclaimer***

I'm young, so I might not know what I'm talking about

 

Ah, yes, there's that double standard again - alive and well and thriving in the young and impressionable.

 

Please do tell WHY you think a guy should have so much experience and experiment sexually before marriage, while a woman should wait? Especially if he doesn't even acknowledge her virtue?

 

And why shouldn't women expect the same precious gift from their husbands? Do you think women don't deserve that gift, but men do deserve it? Why?

 

And, please explain who those guys are having sex with and exprerimenting with if all women are to save their virginity for their husbands? Whores, perhaps?

[exclusivelyME]

How does the math work on that one?

 

Who are these guys sleeping with then?

 

It works quite fine. A guy doesnt have to sleep with a girl the same age as him. She can be older. Also, you have to take into account that not all cases are like this--there are girls that lose their virgnity at a younger age and the guys in question can sleep with them. I was simply generalizing. There are exceptions, as are in every situation.

[berrieh]

It works quite fine. A guy doesnt have to sleep with a girl the same age as him. She can be older. Also, you have to take into account that not all cases are like this--there are girls that lose their virgnity at a younger age and the guys in question can sleep with them. I was simply generalizing. There are exceptions, as are in every situation.

 

Right, but if girls should save themselves, while boys should have experiences... who can they have those experiences with? Oh, those girls who did what they shouldn't have done; of course!

 

It's an awful double-standard that promotes sexism.

 

P.S. How does "she can be older" factor into waiting till marriage? Are you saying they should sleep with married women?

[norajane]

Right, but if girls should save themselves, while boys should have experiences... who can they have those experiences with? Oh, those girls who did what they shouldn't have done; of course!

 

It's an awful double-standard that promotes sexism.

 

P.S. How does "she can be older" factor into waiting till marriage? Are you saying they should sleep with married women?

 

 

And what is the purpose for him having sex before marriage? Why should he be having lots of sex with the bad girls who didn't save their virginity for their husbands?

[exclusivelyME]

Ah, yes, there's that double standard again - alive and well and thriving in the young and impressionable.

 

Please do tell WHY you think a guy should have so much experience and experiment sexually before marriage, while a woman should wait? Especially if he doesn't even acknowledge her virtue?

 

And why shouldn't women expect the same precious gift from their husbands? Do you think women don't deserve that gift, but men do deserve it? Why?

 

And, please explain who those guys are having sex with and exprerimenting with if all women are to save their virginity for their husbands? Whores, perhaps?

 

 

-Why? Simple. Thats just my personal bias. I am entitled to one, aint I?

 

And some men do acknowledge that virtue. Are you telling me you'd be perfectly fine with your woman having slept with as many or MORE men than you have woman? (I'm assuming you're a guy. If not, please correct me)

 

-I didn't say women didnt deserve it--dont misinterpret. I simply stated it was unrealistic. Again, my personal bias

 

-I explained the math in my above comment