40 and married 4 times...what is your first thought?

[slimjim]

I have been seeing this woman for about a year now. she has been married 4 times, twice to the same guy, and has 3 kids by 2 different marriages. the youngest kid is now 16.

 

what is the general first impressions about a person when you hear this? mine is that she has trouble committing, or at the minimum is a terrible decision maker. she seems ok and i have gotten to know her, but there is always this doubt as to what the real story is--she has intimated her side, but you know there are 2 sides to every story.

 

i think she wants to get serious with me, and seems like the type of woman who has to be married--with this type of past, i just have doubts. i think time (maybe 2 or 3 years) is a great equalizer for my concerns and will show her true commitment, but i dont think she will wait.

 

any thoughts? thanks

[Chinook]

40 and married 4 times...what is your first thought?

 

My first thought was...

 

... run, don't walk....

 

... as fast as you can...

 

Maybe you're right, maybe with time you can overcome your doubts. But she's not willing to by the sounds of things (although, you will never really know unless you ask her). The fact that she's had 4 marriages, and two to the same person, brings to mind the old saying... 'if you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got'... which to me puts you in the firing line as her next casualty of failure and running away. Sorry. Just my 2p

[amaysngrace]

I think she has some issues. That's my first thought.

[Meaplus3]

My first impression would be that she has some sort of trouble with a comitted relationship. But, it could very well be that she has just not found the right person. I'm not sure.. it's sort of an iffy thing IMO. Are you sure you want to take a chance and get involved. if infact she does have comitment issues?

 

AP:)

[alphamale]

any thoughts? thanks

personally, i would run for the hills

[quankanne]

four times ... and twice to the same guy? That's a whole lotta times playing house with different guys. After awhile you kinda wonder since she's the only thing all those relationships have in common, then there really must be something wrong with her.

[GPFan]

i think she wants to get serious with me, and seems like the type of woman who has to be married--with this type of past, i just have doubts. i think time (maybe 2 or 3 years) is a great equalizer for my concerns and will show her true commitment, but i dont think she will wait.

 

any thoughts? thanks

My first thought is she likes to be married as you said yourself!

 

How much time elapsed, on average, between her marriages?

[RecordProducer]

I've had three serious relationships in my life, out of which two were marriages. It just happened that way. I am very, very committed, but my two husbands were/are not. Frankly, I don't see myself through the number of my marriages. I am what I am and I am not a weirdo. Some people marry every person they date. Would you prefer a woman who has had 100 guys and only one marriage? I don't know how many guys your woman has had, but this would be more important to me. She sounds like an emotional, trusting, and impulsive lady. I am in my early thirties, by the way.

[Angel1111]

I think judging her on that basis alone is a mistake. What about people who live together and never get married and then break up? Those don't count as marriages but I'd say that those people have more fear of committment than people who have gotten married several times. What about people who date for years and years and then break up? They don't count either because there was no piece of paper in the courthouse stating it was a 'real' relationship. What about people who stay in crappy marriages for 20+ years? I don't think they're very smart, either. Or very courageous, for that matter. So I guess it all depends on your value system. Personally, I wouldn't be concerned about a few marriages any more than I'd care about several failed relationships that didn't end in marriage.

 

What I would be concerned about is whether that person has learned anything from their past or not, and if they can look at the relationships without being overly blaming of their former partner(s). You need to go with your sense of who she is today, whether she has learned from her mistakes or not. I think it's great if she has come through all of those marriages and has not become bitter, and is someone who is still willing to take chances. But it also says that if things don't work out, she's not too weak to walk away. I personally admire that trait. Some people are afraid of it. It's all in how you want to look at things.

[Woggle]

Run as fast as you can. This is a woman that is incapable of having a healthy relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

Woggle, that's bull.

You haven't thought that through, have you?

 

Judging by the amount, content and timbre of posts on this forum, there are countless people who can't even have one healthy relationship, let alone 4.

So that's no indication!

Maybe it might have had something to do with her exes, as well.

It does take 2 to tango.

 

My cousin has had 5 marriages.

The first turned out to be a bigamist.

The second hit her and was violent.

The third died.

The 4th disappeared when they discovered he was an illegal immigrant. (the marriage has since been dissolved.)

Now, with number 5, she's happy.

Although everyone keeps checking him out!

 

Poor judge of character she may be. Grant you that.

but "incpapable of having a helathy relationship" based on the number of marriages?

Can't really judge it that way, can we?

[O'Malley]

. . .Patterning herself on Liz Taylor?

 

At the least I'd think that a) she overlooks major issues in the relationships or character flaws in her spouses, or thinks marriage will resolve them and b) rushes into marriage as a way to solidify feelings.

[Woggle]

You can always point to an exception and use it as an example but the fact of the matter is that a woman who has been married and divorced four times either picks jerks over and over again or throws away a relationship when things don't fit some impossible ideal in her head.

[Geishawhelk]

And I'm sure you'll agree, the same can be said for a man.

[Woggle]

And I'm sure you'll agree, the same can be said for a man.

 

Of course.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Reminds me of a female Ross from Friends.

 

Could be a hopeless romantic/believer in marriage.

 

Could have been circumstantial issues for each (just bad luck)

 

Or could be a deeper flaw/issue contributing to each marriage.

[Geishawhelk]

what is the general first impressions about a person when you hear this?

Well, as a woman, I really think that anyone who has been married these amounts of times shouldn't consider marriage if they know they have difficulty keeping the vows.....

Every case is different, and you should only really appraise every situation individually. But on the whole, I would ask myself how seriously people consider the sanctity of marriage to be.... Elizabeth Taylor or Liza Minelli included.....

 

mine is that she has trouble committing, or at the minimum is a terrible decision maker.

That's fair, at this stage.... But remember that she's decided to be with you.....

 

she seems ok and i have gotten to know her, but there is always this doubt as to what the real story is--she has intimated her side, but you know there are 2 sides to every story.

True.

But both sides will hold some prejudice in favour of the 'teller'... on the face of it, she feels as badly towards her exes as they probably do about her. Especially Mr. 'Twice'.... both times they tried, and both times they couldn't get it right, huh?

 

i think she wants to get serious with me,

It's taken you a year to come to this conclusion?

 

 

and seems like the type of woman who has to be married--with this type of past, i just have doubts.

I've been married twice.

I'm with a partner in a committed relationship, but I'm not going to do it a 3rd time.

he's been married twice, too. And feels the same way.

We're both old enough and mature enough to know marriage is not a pre-requisite to a long, steady and faithful relationship.

With regard to legal aspects (inheritance, pensions, that kind of thing) we've thought all that out and made plans accordingly.

We're neither of us religious or christian, so the God aspect is of no concern. And in other ways, we've covered the bases.....

 

i think time (maybe 2 or 3 years) is a great equalizer for my concerns and will show her true commitment, but i dont think she will wait.

This is something you are going to have to discuss. If it's been a year, and you can tell she's the kind of woman who feels she needs that security and committment (though as you rightly say her record isn't shining!) you really should approach this sooner rather than later.

[grogster]

Don't let her rush you to the altar. Take your time. Do your due diligence. Is the woman definitely non-marriage material? No. Don't rush to judgment.

 

If your doubts persist, however, you may want to exit to give her a reasonable opportunity for divorce number 5.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think she has committment issues..quite the opposite!

 

Just out of curiosity, has she told you about any of these marriages? I realize you probably don't want to go prying into her personal life, but maybe she wasn't the one who ended things, or maybe these men just treated her badly and it wasn't her fault. Taking it slow will be important, when she starts talking about marriage/committment I'd give it a little time and take it slow. Maybe she just likes getting married!

 

I personally would never date anyone who was divorced, let alone 4. If you really like this woman though, maybe it's worth finding out if she just hasn't found the right guy. Maybe you are it.

[taiko]

I think that keeping a baby as a 16 year old girl sets a lot of things in motion. The child would limit her potential mates. For her own reasons she got married four times when many in this day would have just lived with many of the men.

[Lauriebell82]

Reminds me of a female Ross from Friends.

 

Could be a hopeless romantic/believer in marriage.

 

Could have been circumstantial issues for each (just bad luck)

 

Or could be a deeper flaw/issue contributing to each marriage.

 

Haha, I was thinking that too! I agree that there could have been valid reasons behind her multiple marriages/divorces. If you are curious, ask her. (if she is willing to talk about them)

[Woggle]

She might be a romantic but has not the slightest idea of what real commitment is.

[slimjim]

thanks for all the input.

 

i was trying to take it really slow with her, thinking that she wouldnt be in a hurry to fail again, possibly. when you continue to pet a rattlesnake, and continually get bit, then one would thinkyou would slow down and do something a lot differently.

 

we are great together, never fight, like the same stuff, etc. but i know that women have some sort of time table, where they go with a guy a certain time, and then they think action has to be taken. i think that if you find that special someone, what difference does time make, when you compare it to eternity? of course i know what you are thinking, typical uncomittal male.....yada yada... i have never been married because i havent met the right person, and things are not like they were in my parents and grandparents day when you married forever. but i have been having thoughts about her.

 

but i do know what a commitment means, but i dont know how to tell if she really does. it takes 2 to make it work, and if i committed, i know myself and myheart, and i would be there when it got tough. i just dont know about her--if she was a stock with this past (disregard todays market) i wouldnt buy her.

 

she has told me a little about the previous marriages. first guy she married was when she was 19, had 2 kids, then the guy cheated on her while she was pregnant with the second kid.

 

then meets #2, who was a marriage of convenience, because husband 1 wanted custody, and she needed to be married to get custody back then. she stayed with him 15+ years, then divorced because he was emotionally not there and never had sex. he loved the kids, but never would get intimate with her--she said he would always plan vacations with kids so they couldnt be alone--a real freako. a good dad but zero husband.

 

then she meets an older guy who romances her to marriage, she didnt check him ouot well, she gets pregnant, then she begins to make more money than him and he gets jealous and starts to abuse her physically. she leaves with the young daughter.

 

now i learned the rest yesterday, when she sais she has a religious awakening and wants to do things right this time. so she really doesnt want to make a mistake this time, or so she is saying. i really htink she just wants everyone to ask for her hand in a year, and then she can decide. she is a preacher;s kid, and has all the guilt complexes due to this.

 

her kids talked her into remarrying number 2 again, because he was basically their dad, even though not biologically, and she never had a kid with him (no sex-no kid). she marries him again, he says he would change, and then on her honeymoon he doesnt even have sex, and tells her this marriage is a package deal, for the kids. so she is right back to where she was, and stays with him 4 more years, cheats on him, and leaves. now its been 6 years, and i think she has dated 3 other guys, and talks like they all wanted to marry her. but it doesn thappen. plus, whe i confronted her about this yesterday, i told her that she needs to egt over one marriage before she gets another one--i said this because she is just now fighting her last husband--the twice married #2--in court for property distribution. she hasnt done it yet because he does so much with the kids, and is guilty. now she is livid with htis guy,, and wants to clean his clock. she needs all this baggage behind her so she can move on, in my way of thinking.

 

i just dont know how to ever tell if she is serious about what a commitment is--she has good excuses to get out, and i think that she realizes she has met someone who does know what a commitment in front of god is, and she wants to move--i am just not sure of her. she seems to have a time line, so that fails the first test. i dont know of any other. i know because of her religious upbringing, she thinks she has to be marrid at some time, because her family still uses the whip of guilt on her as being their "unmarried" daughter. what losers they are, and they are supposed to be christians. you have to forgive people of their past and not judge, but you cant just be stupid either.

 

who knows. i am thinking this is to much drama, and i just need to tighten up the ole nikes and hit the road.

 

thanks for listening and the thoughts. gives me a lot more to think about.

[Geishawhelk]

thanks for all the input.

 

.....who knows. i am thinking this is to much drama, and i just need to tighten up the ole nikes and hit the road.

 

Wow.

Just........ wow.

 

Picture yourself with this woman 3 years down the line.

How's it looking........?

 

 

What I quoted you put above?

Sounds like a plan.

[slimjim]

i agree with you woogle. why does it always seem that the ones that talk about committment are usually the ones that dont really knows what it means?

 

she did get bent out of shape when i told her that she needed to get rid of her last marriage before getting into another one, and she thought that was a low blow. and here she is 6 years later and fighting the guy in court, which i dont want to get in the middle of that. that should have been over years ago, and this sexless zombie guy is going to fight to the death, as i would, because she did cheat on him. and now 6 years later she wants her cut--i would fight like a wounded badger.

 

her entire life is guided by guilt, including her kids--and you know how kids of a divorce play the parents against one another and use the guilt whip all the time to get what they want.

 

and she thinks she is a christian and is always trying.....in biblical terms, she will never be out of a marriage, because it is a commitment before god, and you cant get out of that. divorce is for man's law, not God. i think she skips some stuff in the bible, or else is beyond really understanding what it really means.

 

it is interesting to me how the world can judge based on your past. i think most of the time its a good indicator, although people can change in a few instances.

 

there is just no way of tellling except for time---in the end its all a crap shoot i guess.

 

thanks