LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 My ex broke up with me after he found out I was pregnant. He has very much been a part of our daughters life since then, but insists that we are not going to get back together. I have gone through the whole denial process, lived in a delusion the first three months after our daughter was born but now am in a healthier place. Still I do get delusional now and again and he knows he still has a shortcut to my heart. Anyways, so the ex has our daughter on Thanksgiving and he invited me to come over to his family's house for dinner. I politely declined. That was about a month ago and since then his family has invited me a few other family functions all of which I have declined as well bc I knew he would be there. Last night he called and said "Why do you have a problem with my family?" I told him I don't, that I genuinely like his family but have declined because I knew he would be there and spending time around him is simply a waste of time. Blunt but true. He told me his mother is beginning to take it personally that I keep declining. He said she very much cares about me and considers me family. He also said that us being together on holidays is whats best for our daughter and will help maintain some normalcy in her life. Just so you know this is our first holiday as our daughter is only 5 months old. Anyways all of this was enough of a guilt card for me to cave. Also Id be sitting home alone otherwise and I do actually like his family. What in the hell am I supposed to do in future situations like this? For him to bring up the whole "maintaining normalcy" thing is infuriating. Isnt he the one who ultimately disrupted it by breaking up with me?
amaysngrace Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 That's a whole lot of crap. It's a really long time you have to be there too. Thanksgiving dinner takes forever.
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 He told me his mother is beginning to take it personally that I keep declining. He said she very much cares about me and considers me family. He also said that us being together on holidays is whats best for our daughter and will help maintain some normalcy in her life. so ... it's okay to railroad you into doing something you don't want, so he can "do the right thing" without committing to you? Frankly honey, I'd pull his mama aside and tell her how much you care about her, but that because y'alls relationship is over, you don't feel right trying to pretend there's one just because it's what he wants. It might hurt her feelings, but as a mother, I'm pretty sure she understands what you're being asked, and that sometimes, parents do things to keep it real ... as for your little one having "normalcy in her life" – well, if she understands that mama and daddy don't do things together, but they still love HER, then that is the standard of normalcy in her life, not this crap he's tryiing to pull. put your foot down, but agree to participate in some events –*grandma's birthday, wedding anniversary, etc – but keep the holidays for yourself because they're YOURS, not his.
Author LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 What on earth could be his motive here? Maybe you guys as outsiders could give me a little insight. My thoughts are that there is no motive and this is what he really believes is best? Maybe because he cannot sympathize with the hurt I've been through??? Thats the only thing that makes sense to me.
amaysngrace Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 It sounds to me he wants to make you his family without "making" you his family. Do you still want a future with him at all? I know you said you did before but is being together with him and your daughter what you ultimately want anymore?
Chinook Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Actually, if you take the emotions out of this situation and look at it at face value, he has a point. If you guys stay broken up, it would really help your daughter to have two parents who can still spend time together. That would be alot more than a lot of split families are able to do. One day it won't be so hard for you to be around him... trust me. His Mom sees you as the Mother of her Grandchild, not the enemy... trust them to trust you and give you that support. One day you may need them there with you. I know it's hard to look past how you feel about him, but give it a try.
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 good point, chinook ... however, HE needs to be explaining himself if this is his intention, not be thick-headed and ignorant of her feelings. That's right up there with getting dumped by someone who mutually agreed with you that there was a sure future, and then that person starts talking to you about his/her private life without even thinking about how it must be killing you to hear about it. Thick-headed.
Author LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Do you still want a future with him at all? I know you said you did before but is being together with him and your daughter what you ultimately want anymore? I know I still love him, but there has been so much abandonment and hurt that its hard for me to know if all I'm really doing holding onto is an ideal or the real thing. (My logical side knows the obvious answer here). I do have this idea in my head that a few years down the road, when I have removed myself from the situation emotionally that we can be friends in the true sense of the word. Not this phony let me put on a smile for the sake of you and your family crap. If there were to ever be a reconciliation I think at that point would be the only healthy time to do it. And he'd also have to come to me crawling on his hands and knees after what hes done to me. So yes, I would hope someday down the road that we could be together, but will x, y, and z all happen in order for us to do so? I don't know.
Author LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Actually, if you take the emotions out of this situation and look at it at face value, he has a point. If you guys stay broken up, it would really help your daughter to have two parents who can still spend time together. And I agree. This is why he is suggesting to do so. Because he has no emotions involved in it. Wow I think I just answered my own previous question about his motives. But taking emotions out of a situation doesnt work if you're the one whos in the thick of it. When you have been so outright dumped by someone you have a child with, your feelings are like your skin and unavoidable. I sometimes wonder if me wanting to be with him is also highly driven by biological forces...women are programmed to keep men around to help raise a baby.
Ronni_W Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Your daughter is 5 months old...she is not going to know who is or is not in attendance, this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Next year, you can re-assess whether you feel emotionally more able to ENJOY YOURSELF at "his" family gatherings -- until you can do that, don't let any of them railroad you to attend for their sakes. (If he was telling the truth about that, then his family are acting somewhat self-centredly and not thinking too much about you -- it's up to you to ensure that you take care of yourself before trying to make them feel good/happy.) You can maintain your relationships with his side by calling once in a while, or inviting them to your home, or visiting with your daughter at non-holiday times. For this Thanksgiving, if you do not wish to face him yet, perhaps just call his mom and let her know how you are feeling about things, and that it is not a reflection on her?
Sysyphus28 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 My ex broke up with me after he found out I was pregnant. He has very much been a part of our daughters life since then, but insists that we are not going to get back together. I have gone through the whole denial process, lived in a delusion the first three months after our daughter was born but now am in a healthier place. Still I do get delusional now and again and he knows he still has a shortcut to my heart. Anyways, so the ex has our daughter on Thanksgiving and he invited me to come over to his family's house for dinner. I politely declined. That was about a month ago and since then his family has invited me a few other family functions all of which I have declined as well bc I knew he would be there. Last night he called and said "Why do you have a problem with my family?" I told him I don't, that I genuinely like his family but have declined because I knew he would be there and spending time around him is simply a waste of time. Blunt but true. He told me his mother is beginning to take it personally that I keep declining. He said she very much cares about me and considers me family. He also said that us being together on holidays is whats best for our daughter and will help maintain some normalcy in her life. Just so you know this is our first holiday as our daughter is only 5 months old. Anyways all of this was enough of a guilt card for me to cave. Also Id be sitting home alone otherwise and I do actually like his family. What in the hell am I supposed to do in future situations like this? For him to bring up the whole "maintaining normalcy" thing is infuriating. Isnt he the one who ultimately disrupted it by breaking up with me? Thanksgiving !! "I am thankful for the misery you caused me" seriously. Let your daughter be with him or take your daughter and be with your family. Eject this man from your life for the pain he is caused you. Who cares about his family....you are through with thier son. Seriously....this is not jerry springer, you lose the boyfriend or he dumps you , you lose him and his family. F these crazy insensitive people. Are they crazy? He dumped you after he found out you were pregnant. Fu** this A**hole. I am sorry. These X's and thier stupid families have no clue what the "dumpee" goes through. They are all so far removed. everyone is............
Author LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 I don't think the anger and resentment you are projecting in your last post is reflecting of how I feel. I don't want him or his family to go F*** themselves, he is mostly forgiven in my book. But it doesnt mean I don't still feel hurt around him if that makes sense.
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 maybe it's time to have a woman-to-woman talk with his mom, and gently explain that the wound is still too raw to try to attempt what he wants, and that you'd appreciate it if they respected your needs right now. And that future gatherings won't be ruled out; you just need a bit of time to get yourself together. if she cares about you as much as he says, she'll understand, and she'll put the word out to the rest of the family. and hopefully smack her baby boy upside the head for being so damned thick-headed in hsi approach!
grogster Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Do what you want to do. If you go, do it for yourself and not to alleviate whatever guilt he's experiencing. You owe him, and his family, nada. I'm in a mildly similar situation. More than 4 years ago, I ended my marriage. My ex and I, however, have been very amicable. This Thanksgiving she invited me to dinner at her place.I accepted her offer. I did that because I wanted to and I know that my coming would please our 19 year old son. It's much easier to divorce a spouse than a family.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 So lets say that you agree to holidays with he and his family. A year or more down the road, when one of you has a SO of your own, then what? Still one big happy family? Will his family want you and your new love interest their, since its in the best interest of the child? Will you want to attend and meet his new girlfriend? I think you do need to be friendly because of your child but I do not think that YOU need to be part of his family if it is uncomfortable for you. I'm sure the family wants to have your D around for Thanksgiving... she on the other hand is going to eat the same thing she does everyday, and possibly get cranky because her schedule is thrown off. Its any other day for her.
Author LovieDove24 Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Quankanne... I think I am going to take your advice and have a heart to heart with his mom on Turkey day. I plan on saying something like this "Since I have realized that there would never be an "us" it has become painful for me to be around him." This seems very blunt and to the point to me. The only thing I worry is that she will go and tell her son afterwards. I dont mean like go run and tell him right away. But I know that they do talk a lot. I don't want him to get the message that I'm not over him therefore cant be around he or his family. I guess its my pride but the idea that it might get back to him makes me not want to say anthing at all. I've been very careful about hiding my hurt from him thus far and I don't want him to get the satisfaction of a reminder.... Which means I may just have to plaster a smile on my face from here into eternity....UGH!!!!
quankanne Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 sounds like a plan! just be honest with her when you let her know how hard this is, and if you honestly feel that you want to stay in touch with her family, be sure to emphasize this too.
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