Trying to figure things out/move on

[Trosenburg]

I posted before but didnt get much feedback. My gf of 3.5 years took a job overseas and left in August. We didnt really address her leaving except for the fact that I would visit and she would be home for the summer and holidays and that we would make it work. We spoke of marriage before she left. Up until this point our relationship had been solid except for a period where I took a seasonal job on the other coast. She came to visit and it went OK and I ended up ending things right before I came home. We didnt speak for two months I ended up coming home and reconciled and since things have been really good.

 

So after she left communication was good alot of I miss you and love but I started to get a bit over zealous and emailing too much and taking it personally when she wouldnt have time to talk. I took this hard and asked if there was anyone else or why she was distant. So then it came time for me to book my flight to visit and she said it would be best if I didnt come saying she felt alot of pressure to maintain the relationship and didnt want things to go badly. I took this pretty hard and said if your going to break up with me do it. Her responce was that she need less commitment and emotional space and didnt want to date other people but wasnt going to tell me what to do. I sent a hand written letter expressing to her how I felt and that she means alot to me and that I want her to have this experience. In a few emails she expressed to me that she needed to have to feel independent and that she still loved me and didnt intend on throwing away the relationship. I told her understood that need and that was what i felt when i broke up with her before. She also told me that it was important for me to be able to be happy on my own and that she cant be responsible for my happyness even if we get married.

 

We spoke on the phone the first time since the break and emails and things went well. She expressed to me that she wanted to just "let things happen" and I told her she could date if she wanted to. (Even though I didnt want this I felt it would be best so she didnt feel hindered) Once again she said she wasnt looking to do so. She said she didnt think things were necessarly over.

 

Its been 6 weeks since then and communication has been spotty. I have really let her do the contacting and not really made much of an effort to reach out. At times she seems eager to tell me things and talk about her life there and other times standoffish.

 

I have had a hard time coping with this. Its getting to the point where I am tired of thinkin about trying to figure things out and whats she thinking. I know i should move on. We spent alot of time together and its been a rough adjustment to her not being around. I really feel like she is the someone who I could spend the rest of my life with and I know she felt the same way before she left. I know I should basically move on and let whatever happens happens but at the same time i feel like she is still unsure of want she wants. Like two weeks ago she emailed me twice in a day and called the next but then its been once short email only to respond to one I sent. At the same time she gone for another year and half and there is no guarantee she will come back then.

 

So she is due to come home for Xmas and I want to see her to talk about things and see where we stand. I also feel like coming home will bring back some feelings she had for me. I really have no clue how it is going to go and if she is even going to want to see me.

[Trosenburg]

a bit of an update here...looking for some feedback.

 

She emailed me earlier this week saying we havent spoke in a while and that she is excited to come home for xmas. She was wondering how things were and let me know the dates she would be home. I emailed her back and not mentioning her coming home and just generally letting her know things were good on my end.

 

She called yesterday and was really excited to tell me about what she did over the weekend and said she was so excited to come home and see her dog and sister.(no mention of me) My response was that i would be excited to see her and she simply said yeah we should hang out but that she would be really busy while she was home.

 

It is pretty apparent to me that she doesnt want anything more then friendship from me at the current time. I dont know if I am alright with that...It is apparently easy for her to turn off her emotions and just talk to me a normal basis but I still have very strong feelings for her. I dont know if I can continue to just be friends with someone who was months ago so adiment about being with me and who is now just indifferent. I feel like i shouldnt even give her the time of day yet when she calls I am there to talk to her and act like i am still her boyfriend....

[Ronni_W]

Is it possible that you were not considerate enough of (indifferent to) the HUGE transition that she had to make, having to find her 'place' in a new job in a new country? New traditions and customs to get used to, new support network to build, settling in to a new place. Basically, new EVERYTHING.

Is it possible that perhaps she just did not feel sufficiently understood and supported by you, in this major lifestyle change that she has been going through?

 

Maybe it's that neither of you realized the significance of her move and the impact it would have on her, on you and on your relationship?

 

It could reasonably have been expected/foreseen that she'd be completely preoccupied, exhilarated, exhausted and overwhelmed for the first few months. And that you would have needed to find new things to fill-up your mind, heart and schedule on "this side" of the planet.

 

At this point, do you feel that the relationship has enough left for it to be able to become a mutually satisfying LDR? Would it be worth having a chat with her to find out where things stand and explore if there is a possibility of moving forward as an LDR couple?

 

OTOH, you've also started feeling angry towards her, as evidenced by your thoughts of wanting to withhold "the time of day" from her. If those persist, then it would seem to indicate that you need to make a clean break and go NC so that you can recover.

 

I guess it first depends on what you need and would want, in your ideal world...and then to find out if her needs and wants are complementary.

Best of luck.

[Trosenburg]

Ronni-W

 

I think that was the issue when we started. I didnt give her time to adjust and establish herself there. Instead I was caught up on why things werent the same as they were before she left. It was naive for both of us not address anything like this before she left. I dont think either of us wanted to discuss the possibility of it not working out since we both loved each other so much.

 

The communication about our relationship since the break up as been minimal. I have had alot of things I wanted to say to her but have withheld them because I want her to enjoy her time there and not have to further complicate her life there. So i have kind of made a list of things I wanted to say to her when I see her in the next few weeks.

 

The conversations we have had since the break up have been good like there is almost nothing wrong, yet I do find myself almost hesitent to be my normal self on the phone with her I find myself wanting to tell her I miss her and that I love her. I find myself getting jealous and wanting to ask about who she is going out with. This whole situation has brought alot of insecurities out in myself that I never had when she was with me. Simply because we are broken up and i dont know what she is doing over there.

 

I think that it will be good to see her and speak to her face to face. I would love to have an LDR with her but she seems to be at a stage where wants little committment yet still loves me or wants to talk to me somewhat regularly. After the holidays she will be gone for another 6-8 months. I definately do not want to go that long with out seeing her yet if she doesnt want to do that I dont know if I can continue to be friends since I am still so in love.

[Ronni_W]

Yeah, you're right...that is what led to this becoming a serious, perhaps even relationship-ending, problem -- that you guys ignored/denied important stuff before she left, due to fears and doubts. That just never works in the way we hope it will.

 

If she chooses to avoid you over the holidays, then you have your answer in any event. After which it would only be wise for you to do whatever you feel is necessary, including NC, to come to terms with the break-up.

 

If you guys do end up planning to get together while she's back -- maybe you'd want to let her know ahead of time that you do have some serious stuff that you want to address, and ask her to let you know the best time for you both to do that. If she doesn't wish to make the time for such a conversation, that is also your answer.

 

Also, if I may say, it's not that you didn't have these insecurities before -- they start long before our first romantic relationship and we then always do have them until we resolve them -- it's just that, until now, you did not experience any incident that triggered them.

 

For your future relationships (be that with her or whomever else), your wise move would still be to get to the bottom of your insecurities and resolve them at their roots, once and for all.

[Trosenburg]

UPDATE...

 

So the week prior to her coming home there was a good bit of contact but nothing of any emotional substance. She called me the night of her arrival and we spoke and I asked if we could make plans to see each other. I went to go see her and it was a bit akward at first like a weird hug hello. We went out to dinner had a good conversation and then left and started to speak of the break up.

 

Basically I broke down and said I still love her and that it was hard for me over the past months with her lack of communication about the relationship. We both were crying and kissing the entire time. She said that before she left she was fairly certain i was the guy she would marry but now she didnt know. She said she wasnt sure if she would ever get married or if two people are meant to be together forever!! We spoke about our relationship and how there were fluctuations in love on both our parts. She said that she felt the desire to leave the country a year and a half ago and though it might of been her subconciouslly trying to leave the relationship. She went on to state that she when she broke up with me she thought of things i did in the past that werent to fair to her and to be honest were completely due to my immaturarity. She said that there isnt a strong desire to be with me while she is overseas and doesnt miss me all that much! I was devasted to say the least. She did said that it sucks to think that i wont be part of her life and that she could regret it if i met someone down the road. A bit messed up if I say so... We discussed our relationship alot which is something she said she wished we did more but to be honest things were pretty good and I never felt that there were any issues looming.. She said that she didnt sleep with anyone else while she was there but she felt so removed from the relationship and will just go back there and continue to do so.

 

At that point i said i figured things werent going to changed and got in my car and said talk to you later...

 

I think NC is going to be my route for a long while to get over this. She obviouslly is going through some things and doesnt really have a clear head.

[hereandnow]

I definitely think NC is the way to go for a little while at least. I was with my gf for a shorter amount of time, but there are a ton of similarities between the way our exes approached the breaks, and the way they acted afterward. I've continued contact with my ex for the past 2 months since the break and I can't say it's been a good thing. I have pretty much gotten the same amount of reassurance from my ex that we will get back together (which is almost none) as you have.

 

I myself have just started working on giiving up all hope that we will ever reconcile, which I'm finding difficult, but I know it's the way I have to go regardless of what happens. Take care, I feel for you!

[Ronni_W]

Yeah, it does sound as if NC will be beneficial for you both to get through the worst of it.

 

I guess the "good news" is that you do know what's going on, and that you need to start grieving, healing and moving forward -- but breaking up still sucks. (((hugs)))