What Am I Doing -- Marriage in 2 Months!

[prismfaerie]

Lurker, first time post. I've seen a lot of good, sensible advice around here. After talking with my family and friends I thought I could use perspectives that were a bit more objective.

 

In a nutshell: My fiance is miserable. He is so miserable he is making ME miserable and I feel as though I can't cope anymore.

 

Like a lot of people, 2008 has been a very bad year for us. My fiance is exhausted, stressed, and feels completely neutered because: he's trapped in a high stress job he HATES, with a high stress 2 hour commute in traffic which he HATES, we live in a house his mother owns which he HATES (she's a petty control freak so I can see why), he thought the wedding planning would be "all fun" and finding out that it can be stressful is a huge disillusionment, he hates the fact that I moved in before we married (although he agreed to it in the beginning!!), he hates his weight, he's disatisfied with my spirituality (he is more religious than I am) and on top of that, he's sleep deprived and has had three injuries this year.

 

He is going through a very difficult time, personally. So am I. I have personal and professional disappointments, stagnations and concerns. The problem is...he can't cope. He just crumbles. He tells me, "I don't have a choice to be happy. I've given up. I've given up on being happy. I'll just try to make you happy."

 

This is a stupid lie and I told him as much. A part at me wants to shake him, tell him to grow some balls, and help me help US get THROUGH this. In my view, if you want a spouse, YOU DON'T GET TO JUST QUIT. You don't GET to just give up on your happiness. You can't have a happy relationship if one of you is totally miserable!

 

This man says that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, and he goes on and on about all the ways in which he does... but I'm not sure he's really telling me what he feels. I don't see any evidence that he ever tells anyone how he really feels.

 

Times get tough, but you pull together when you have someone to love. This man is caving in, imploding, wigging out and disintigrating under the strain, the burden of a tough stretch. I understand that it's not always 50/50; sometimes it's 60/40, 70/30, or even 90/10. But it can't be that way all the time. I don't feel like my relationship is a haven; it feels like a heavy burden I am carrying...alone. Because he barricades himself in his misery and resigns himself to despair, the man I love has become a burden. He is hurting me, spiritually, emotionally. And I just can't bear it anymore. I can't function. I literally couldn't get to work today I just didn't have my wits about me.

 

He is a good man. He's tired. But I am scared to death that he is ALWAYS going to find something to be unhappy about...and there are so many layers to this.

 

I don't know if this is one of those situations you stick out or one of those red flags. All I know is that I love this man but I can't live this way anymore. I really can't.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Brimstone_Angel]

If he is being a little baby, HELL YEAH! SHAKE THE LITTLE BOGGER UP! AND THEM HIM TO FIND A PAIR! This is life, it is NOT always going to be happy. Yes, when it rains sometimes it does pour.

 

When was the last time you two took a vacation? What time do you two devote to just yourselves and doing the things that bring you joy? When was the last time he did so? What he needs to do is find priority for what is important in his life and when. He has to know when to put work aside. If you two have to keep the house do to financial situations, either A) look for cheap apartments or B) come to terms that this is the best you can do for now. And find time like during the weekend or if you two have varying time schedules, once in a while take a hit and arrange some time together at least once a month to go over the plans and see where things are at. And most importantly, DELEGATE! DELEGATE! DELEGATE!

 

Some pre-marriage counseling would help too and maybe some professional help for stress for both of you.

 

Lastly, say this prayer in the morning, throughout your day (especially when the stress becomes too much), and before you go to bed...

 

 

 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

[prismfaerie]

Brimstone_Angel, thank you for your wise, matter of fact reply. And thank you for the beautiful prayer. It gave me comfort.

 

He does struggle with proper prioritizing. He really doesn't prioritize well at all and he overburdens himself as a result. As you can imagine, this really doesn't help. At all.

 

I struggle with how to properly support him. Sometimes all he needs is someone to sit quietly by his side and hold his hand. I talk. A lot.

 

Delegate...we have to an extent but I don't think as strongly as we should. Perhaps if we put that term -- DELEGATE -- into use, the idea would take a greater hold.

 

We decided to do date nights every other Wednesday. It lasted for a good while; though lately we've been mirred down again in one drama after the other. We do have a getaway planned -- next weekend we are taking a train up the coast. His idea, actually. We're really looking forward to it.

 

He's a wonderful man and we were so happy up until this year. I just can't carry the emotional burden all on my own, I can't have my partner up and run away emotionally & spiritually when the times get tough. And I certainly can't be in a situation where my partner cannibalizes the relationship.

 

We're going into counseling tomorrow, here's to hoping it'll be fruitful.

[Curmudgeon]

He's a wonderful man and we were so happy up until this year. I just can't carry the emotional burden all on my own, I can't have my partner up and run away emotionally & spiritually when the times get tough. And I certainly can't be in a situation where my partner cannibalizes the relationship.

 

We're going into counseling tomorrow, here's to hoping it'll be fruitful.

 

I think that most of us who have married have has last minute questions, concerns, jitters, etc. However, if they linger then it might be a sign that things should be put on hold for awhile and the relationship carefully re-evaluated.

 

That you're beginning counseling is a good sign of a mature and realistic approach to all of this. Marriage cannot be one person pulling all or even most of the weight. It has to be a true partnership to survive with a lot of understanding, negotiation, communication, collaboration, understanding and love. Those will become lifetime needs, not just those of the moment.

 

Best of luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

he's trapped in a high stress job he HATES, with a high stress 2 hour commute in traffic which he HATES, we live in a house his mother owns which he HATES (she's a petty control freak so I can see why), he thought the wedding planning would be "all fun" and finding out that it can be stressful is a huge disillusionment, he hates the fact that I moved in before we married (although he agreed to it in the beginning!!), he hates his weight, he's disatisfied with my spirituality (he is more religious than I am) and on top of that, he's sleep deprived and has had three injuries this year.

Huge red flag. These are things - his job, his location, his living arrangements, his weight and his partner choice - that most adults would agree that he control over and responsibility for. What's he going to do when life challenges him in something out of his control - aged parents, sick child, financial setback, etc. Were I you, my fear would be that he'd begin to blame me for his perceived failures.

 

Do you at least consider postponing the wedding?

 

Mr. Lucky

[prismfaerie]

I brought about postponing the wedding a few months back.

 

He had an ever-loving meltdown. It was really, really painful. We talked things through and decided to keep to the wedding date.

 

I do realize, though, that this is my life I'm talking about, and I can't do an unwise thing because of fear. I really wish we'd gone to counseling sooner.

 

As for the job and the commute, he's been trying for two years to get another job. Everything has fell through. What he really needs is to get back to school but there has been so much on our plates there literally hasn't been any time. Now with the market in the toilet it's even MORE difficult to find work. So he really doesn't have a whole lot of control at this point, and it's a source of profound frustration.

 

But Mr. Lucky you've really hit on something. He can't cope with things he can't control. He can't accept a lack of control. My attitude is: ...life can happen that way. You DECIDE to take control of YOURSELF...not only is that fundamental, I think, sometimes, it's all you've got to get things going right again. This isn't to say that you don't have your bad days but, ultimately, you pick yourself up by the bootstraps not only for you but because you have LOVED ONES who are COUNTING ON YOU. I feel like I've been picking up boot straps for two and am just so drained I'm melting down.

 

I think we both could really, really benefit from counseling. I just hate the way I'm feeling right now because I can't live my life like this and although I love this man to death I can't commit to this kind of life.

[sb129]

I agree with Mr Lucky. A wedding is just one more stressful event to add to the pot, and you guys have complete control over it.

 

If you are both truly committed to eachother, you don't need a wedding to prove it- you would be better off spending the time working out possible outcomes to his/your situation.

 

Write a list- you listed several things that he is unhappy with. Go over it with him and write down ALL the possible solutions to the problems.

 

Sounds like a different job without the commute would do him wonders- it would give him more time to exercise for a start and that in itself will contribute to solving part of the stress and weight problems. I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation and I appreciate that it may not be that simple for him to get a new job just like that.

 

Moving house is another thing- wouldn't it make sense for him to move closer to his job, therefore cutting the commute and getting him out of his moms rental? Would you compromise on commuting a little further if it meant him commuting a little less? (Not that you should be making too many sacrifices... they are his hates after all).

 

Be pro-active. If you offer possible solutions and he STILL wallows in his misery and doesn't get off his butt to help solve his issues, THEN you start to consider whether you can continue living this way.

 

The only person who can deal with how he feels about things is him, and ultimately the solutions lie with him YOU are not responsible for his happiness. And he isn't responsible for yours either.

[prismfaerie]

sb129 - He goes up and down. We have good days in which we make progress by identifying problems and coming up with solutions. We've written things down on paper, identified areas. We've gone through Gottman videos many times. When those solutions are met with challenge, however, he gets frustrated and explosive. This isn't to say I'm giving up on it though...we'll probably do it again tonight when he gets home.

 

He really is trying. He's just very fragile right now. He doesn't have the inner strength. It's hard for me because I need support too. Which isn't to say he is ENTIRELY unsupportive, not hardly: he cooks, takes care of me when I'll ill, buys me flowers (which he knows I love), he rubs shoulders when they ache. But given his internal state sometimes...these things are hollow, almost automatic. It's the serious emotional support, the presense, that is absent. It's a disappointment...I need emotional stability in a man.

 

I think, at this point, it may be wise to move closer to his job, at least temporarily. The rent there is much more expensive, but with our circumstances changing it could be an option.

 

"Be pro-active. If you offer possible solutions and he STILL wallows in his misery and doesn't get off his butt to help solve his issues, THEN you start to consider whether you can continue living this way."

 

This snippet in particular really gave me a sense of clarity. Thank you. I appreciate it.

[michelangelo]

Find a place closer to his work, at least an hour closer. That will help his attitude. 2 hours is too much to commute each way. Don't be tethered to his mom's drama.

 

Lower the expectations for the wedding.

 

These are lean times, hissy fits are not the way to approach life. Be realistic about expectations and capacities. Both of you.

 

Neither should resent having to shoulder a burden.

 

If there is a mental illness/depression issue, treat it as you would a broken leg.

 

Hang in there. all of us are reassessing what is important to survive during The Great Depression 2.0.

[jmargel]

Ever think the guy might be clinically depressed? If you want to bail out on him now, then do him the favor and do so. Don't wait around until you get married and get privildge of taking half of everything that is his, ontop of the emotional damage you will do to him.

 

Why not try to help him in fixing some of his problems?

[sb129]

It does sound like he is clinically depressed. When I had CD, I took a month off work, and did nothing- I still had a routine, but all it was was getting up at the same time every day, taking a couple of long walks a day and making sure I ate properly.

I had no work pressure, no commute, nothing to worry about except myself. It also gave me some time to adjust to the meds I was put on at the time.

 

My mum came to live with me for a couple of weeks, and it really really helped to just take a month out from the world. The world doesn't stop turning if you step off it for a while. Your BF could do with knowing that....

[prismfaerie]

JMargel, I love my fiance very much. I am not fickle or selfish. I don't plan to "bail". Have you even read my posts? OF COURSE I am trying to help him! That's why I am here; he is having a hard time helping himself, which is making it hard for me to help him. He is falling apart and we are BOTH exhausted. He has agreed to go to counseling.

 

I came here to vent and get some perspective. I got a great many comments that were thoughtful and even handed. This was not one of them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why not try to help him in fixing some of his problems?

By finding him a new job? A new house? A new partner with the same religious beliefs?

 

The OP can suggest but she can't do for him. And if he is depressed, short of having him institutionalized, she can't force him to seek treatment. He has to take some proactive role in this to get himself out from under the self-imposed black cloud over his head.

 

Prismfaerie, I'm not suggesting that you dump him and start dating others. You can certainly stand behind him by encouraging him to get help, either counselling or meds. But marriage in the next 60 days seems ill-advised and maybe even counter-productive. Just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jmargel]

Someone who's depressed or mentally unstable will use the closest person to them as their emotional punching bag. I know, I've been there before and there now again.

 

You need to set strict boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. You more often than not are going to feel like you are a mother to him, than a fiancee/wife. You will learn to give alot of yourself and not get much back in return. You will be on a continous roller coaster ride.

 

He needs to be in counseling, and not until you see a big difference in him do you get married. Otherwise the problems you have now get maginifed by ten after the marriage.

[prismfaerie]

Jmargel, I appreciate your comment. You too sb129 & Mr. Lucky. I brought up how I was *feeling* about the reception tonight, and he went into a near catatonic state, with occassional groans and frightening expressions. I went for his cell phone to call help and he took it from my hand, ripped the battery out and tossed it. Wrote in a book that he couldn't speak and didn't want help because all they would ask is questions and that would make it worse. Wrote to me that we could talk about the reception later. Said he "felt better than he has in a 100 years if he'd lived that long" and dropped off to sleep.

 

This was after he was stuck in Los Angeles traffic for two hours with little sleep and a very stressful day at work. He seemed tired but he enaged in conversation with me, laughed with me, so I let my guard down...

 

As he lay there I tried talking to him, holding his hand, asked him if he needed anything, rubbed his shoulders. But I felt different...empty.

 

I feel so drained of life I don't know if I have anything more to give. Has someone close to you ever turned into something that just kills you inside?

[prismfaerie]

Michelangelo, sorry I missed your comment.

 

Your post is full of sense. I do think being closer to work is something that has to be done. I'm just so drained now I don't know if this will ever end...