Big Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Hi there and thank you in advance for reading my post. I have a "problem" and i wanted to run it past somebody before doing (or not doing) something stupid. First let me set the scene. My wife and I have been married for about 2 and a half years. We have 2 kids (my step daughter, although i dont like the step part as i love her as much as our 1 year old.) and our relationship can be discribed as "rollercoaster". We have both had our ups and downs, issues between me and my wife have always been present. She has addiction issues, which she works really hard on, but her relapse was something that hit me harder than i though it had and its taking me some time to get over it. On top of this i recently found out i have depression, which has helped as now on medication i no longer have as many confusing arguements with her. She has led an eventful life up until she met me and in comparison mine was rather sheltered. Ok i can go back over stuff if people want, i am not shy. But on to my d[FONT=Arial]ilemma[/FONT]. When we first got together it was like out genitals were made out of velcro. It was everyday and we both loved it. this lasted about 8 months at which time we got married. After getting married my wife had a procedure to deal with her addiction and then went back to school. slowly our love life slowed down and now we are like maybe "once a weekers" if you get my drift. I'm 29 and my libido is much higher than hers and so i do get frustrated. I dont cheat though. About a year ago me and my wife were talking about how to spice things up and she suggested inviting anouther girl into our bed. I am not going to lie, this idea excited me quite alot. my wife has had a few female experiences and never said she didnt like or enjoy them. i have never done the 3 in the bed thing, and it had always been on my list of things to do before i'm 30, but when i got married it never occured to me that this was still on the cards, not that i cared. in the year since its been brought up a couple of times and this halloween we even went to a swingers/hedonistic nightclub with some female friends of mine, just to check out the scene. we had a great time and i really enjoyed seeing my wife enjoying herself and dirty dancing with the other girls. when we going home we went at it hot and heavy, and all through the next day we had big grins on our faces. we didnt do anything with anyone (mainly i think as we had to leave early to releive the bbsitter) but the idea was a massive turn on. since then we have talked about it a couple of times but i cant stop thinking about it and want to find out what i should do next. my wife says she is happy with the sex life we have but i am constantly left unfulfilled. Not by the quality per say (although it can be a bit "vanilla" for my liking and i do most of the work as she just enjoys lying back and enjoying it.) but the quantity. No I lie i think its quality as well. its got me thinking that if we do have anouther woman with us it will spice things up. My wife has said it would probably be best with a stranger, she has been the stranger before in a threesome which she arranged over the internet before she met me. and so has more experience in this area. although her experience wasnt great as the man in the equasion wasnt really to her liking but apparently she liked the girl. i want this to happen (i think), not so that i can get to sleep with someone else (i am sure of this cos i dont really care who we do it with.) but so i can have this experience with my wife and see where it goes. i try to bring it up and it remains something that is mentioned in passing. how do you think i should go about making it happen or should i even do this at all? i am at a lose, but its been on my mind constantly for a while now and just want to get some imparsial advice. Thank you
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Sometimes fantasy is just a fantasy..Neither you or your wife really know how either of you feel in the midst of a 3-some. Jealously, hurt feelings, etc.. Why not take advantage of flirting together while out with another woman and then you and your wife go home together and take advantage of the hornyness.. Your wife is unsure, rightfully so. Talk about it, all the what if's and boundries/rules you'd be setting up - IF this were to happen. Also, another thing to consider, BE CAREFUL who you invite into your life..Especially online. You have children to consider, so don't do this at your home if this is going to happen.
Author Big Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Sometimes fantasy is just a fantasy..Neither you or your wife really know how either of you feel in the midst of a 3-some. Jealously, hurt feelings, etc.. Why not take advantage of flirting together while out with another woman and then you and your wife go home together and take advantage of the hornyness.. Your wife is unsure, rightfully so. Talk about it, all the what if's and boundries/rules you'd be setting up - IF this were to happen. Also, another thing to consider, BE CAREFUL who you invite into your life..Especially online. You have children to consider, so don't do this at your home if this is going to happen. I know of the various pitfalls of this situation. But I feel like it might be something she wants as i never instigated the idea. She does have feelings towards other girls and sometimes i think she surpresses them. i want her to know that she doesnt have to. i love her and want her happy. i am not sure how to go about letting her know. i know honest upfront talking is best but i feel like she might think that i think she is a freak for liking women. the way i see it is i like women so why shouldnt she. and if this is true is it fair for me to let her go through life feeling like she has missed out on something.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 i know honest upfront talking is best but i feel like she might think that i think she is a freak for liking women. the way i see it is i like women so why shouldnt she. and if this is true is it fair for me to let her go through life feeling like she has missed out on something. Just don't put any pressure on her or pushing the 3-some. Definately be honest and talk about the pro's and con's. There's a difference between you liking women and her liking women. The chances are much higher for you to fall inlove more than her, especially if the OW you pick likes you back. Your wife very well could be insecure about that - Kind of a pandora's box opening.. What will happen in the future? Will having 3-somes be the norm and will it open the door to other things like cheating or having an open marriage - ALL of which WILL change everything in your marriage, and probably not for the better. Though I do wonder, is it really you who will feel like you've missed out on something... Because if she hasn't pushed for this, it could mean fantasy and flirting with the idea is enough for her.
Author Big Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Just don't put any pressure on her or pushing the 3-some. Definately be honest and talk about the pro's and con's. There's a difference between you liking women and her liking women. The chances are much higher for you to fall inlove more than her, especially if the OW you pick likes you back. Your wife very well could be insecure about that - Kind of a pandora's box opening.. What will happen in the future? Will having 3-somes be the norm and will it open the door to other things like cheating or having an open marriage - ALL of which WILL change everything in your marriage, and probably not for the better. Though I do wonder, is it really you who will feel like you've missed out on something... Because if she hasn't pushed for this, it could mean fantasy and flirting with the idea is enough for her. maybe, and i like the idea of the fantasy. i am confused.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 So..Why not rent some lesbian porn and watch it together? Send the kids for a sleepover at the grandparents house one weekend, and then you two can have some fun alone time - Make as much noise as you want and no worries of little eyes peepin in on you.. That could be alot of fun and very sexy!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 The chances are much higher for you to fall inlove more than her, especially if the OW you pick likes you back. I have a friend that swears that every 3some he has heard of has ended with the W leaving the H for the OW. Something to think about. Would you also be comfortable if she decided to try MWM?
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 If you want to 'spice up' your sex life - to it together - not with a third party. You guys have young children...that leads to her being very tired much of the time... My suggestions for spicing things up: Go to a sex store together....purchase porn, toys, things like that.... Also, get involved with a marriage counselor...or a sex therapist. The therapist will help you guys enrich your sex lives together and the marriage counselor can help you see the issues in your relationship. One more thing - men and women are wired differently for sex. In order for her to enjoy sex with you, you will have to prepare her...not just in bed, but out of bed too by speaking her love language - read the book "The Five Love Languages" so you know what I am talking about - or google it, there is a video on there that gives the run down of the book without having to read it.
Author Big Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Thank you for the advice. I thought it through last night and realised that i might be jumping the gun because she is tired with the baby. she is still breastfeeding which is hard, she wants to stop but doesnt know how as the baby really hasnt taken to the bottle, and uses the breast as a comfort thing. i think maybe i should just give her more time and see about what i can do to help her situation with the baby. once the baby is off the breast and we can drop the kids off with granma then i am sure we will be able to "rock the Kasba" all night long again. if this issue comes up again i will take Dealings advise and maybe see a sex therapist. its sounds kinda fun. sex and therapy...good times had by all. lol
Geishawhelk Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Hate to bring it down to basics, but - consult a health visitor on the bottle feeding. No baby will deliberately starve itself to death if food is being offered. start the baby on the breast, and slip the bottle teat in to its mouth, then transfer. I used to get very tired feeding my youngest because she was born with a minor soft-palate cleft, so feeding her could take 2 hours! She was reluctant to switch to a bottle, but it did work with perseverance. Also, please be advised - sex is not something women always easily come back to after having had a baby. Some do, and can't wait, but others.... well, frankly - they go off it. Big time. I'm not trying to scare you, but really, if she's not up to action, please know: This Is Not Uncommon.
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 My H and I have had plenty of threesomes, my idea and he enjoyed them. I dont think they in themselves caused any problems at all and did in fact spice up our sex life. In fact, after a 3some, the sex between just the two of us was graet for a long time between. If the 3some itself is just too big a step for your wife, just continue to go to the swingers dances, that by itself has already proved to fuel both of your fires. If your wife is uncomfortable with the idea, and it doesnt sound like she is, you cannot force it at all. At all. Be forwarned however: Although the 3somes were always my idea and H never pushed the issue....he eventually cheated on me. Not with anyone we were with. But I think my openmindedness may have made him more comfortable with infidelity. We havent done anything like that since D Day. I might consider it again in the future, I'm not sure.
Author Big Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 My H and I have had plenty of threesomes, my idea and he enjoyed them. I dont think they in themselves caused any problems at all and did in fact spice up our sex life. In fact, after a 3some, the sex between just the two of us was graet for a long time between. If the 3some itself is just too big a step for your wife, just continue to go to the swingers dances, that by itself has already proved to fuel both of your fires. If your wife is uncomfortable with the idea, and it doesnt sound like she is, you cannot force it at all. At all. Be forwarned however: Although the 3somes were always my idea and H never pushed the issue....he eventually cheated on me. Not with anyone we were with. But I think my openmindedness may have made him more comfortable with infidelity. We havent done anything like that since D Day. I might consider it again in the future, I'm not sure. Hi 2sure, and thanks for the input. I think you are right. i dont want to push the issue at the moment seeing as my wife is still so tired. in fact dont really want to push it at all. i think the other thing that made it more inticing was that it was her idea. it is very rare that she has input into the sex thing. i brought toys into the bedroom which my wife loves, but when we have talked about spicing things up this was her idea. i think if anything comes of it at all i think we will just go back to the club and have fun with the fantasy. if we go further than that then ok, but i'm not that bothered. as long as we are having fun. but i want the baby thing to be sorted first. there is no use jumping the gun. so i will help her in that department first and see how she feels when the baby is older. if the problems geisha mentioned arrise then we will have to cross that bridge when we get to it. my wife is in to me and i am very much into her so no matter what problems do occur i am sure we will be able to work through them.
Author Big Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 How old are your children????? young. I read alot of comments from people jumping the gun and labeling men on this website. i realize that my kids are still young and i should wait, and now i feel guilty for even thinking these things. sometimes it takes you to put in writing what is going on in your own head for you to realize how unrealistic some thoughts can be. like i said, i will focus on helping my wife now and hopefully things will improve on their own. if a year or so down the road things havent changed i am sure the both of us would be open to seeking a sex therapist for professional help.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I wasn't judging you. I was just wondering how old your kids were. See, I know that after I had my first child...it was a while before I felt sexually desirable again - had the same feelings after my second was born. I'm glad you are giving it time....in a few months - like 4 to 6 you should see a great deal of desire return to your wife. I would like to recommend you reading The Five Love Languages and If He Only Knew .... I think you would really love them...filled with ways for you to understand your wife and it makes her desire you more sexually when she feels completely loved outside of the purchasing flavored lubes....lol Good luck.
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