travelgirl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 My husband (who had an EA) and I are heading to our first MC session on Friday. It is a 90 minute session. I am sure many of you out there have been to MC. Can you tell me what we should expect? Also to those that needed to see more then one MC before they found someone they both liked - what did you look for in these counselors? Thanks so much. We are book looking forward to it but are very nervous.
DealingWDrama Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Travel - look for the MC to ask questions to both of you - whatever you do DO NOT talk over your spouse...listen to your spouse...even if they look at you with those 'help me out here' eyes - DON'T talk for them. Allow your spouse to explain his feelings then you can explain how you were effected. The MC will come up with a plan to continue counseling with the two of you - grasp issues and make plans to see both of you separately.
Owl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I agree with DWD on having a list of questions for your counselor. You need to ensure that this person is going to be HELPFUL to your marriage and your situation...you'd be surprised at how many are NOT true marriage counselors, but more "divorce counselors". Ask them what "system" they use to help a marriage recover from infidelity. What "plan" would they typically follow to help the two of you? What's their sucess record, and how do they measure that success? Ask them what materials they base their "system" or "plan" off of...and see if you can find a way to obtain written copies of these materials as well. If they don't know, don't understand, or don't spell out clearly any of the above...find a different counselor. If they make you or your H uncomfortable...find a different counselor. Plan on the first session being a mutual 'review' of expectations and background for both you (and your H) and the counselor. It SHOULD be a 'get to know you' kind of session, and probably wind up with you and your H explaining the background of the situation and setting some expectations of what you're hoping to get out of the counseling. It is CRITICALLY important to make sure that your counselor's "plan" matches up with your own. I can't stress enough that there is NO requirement for you to work with a counselor that isn't compatible with you, your goals, or those of your H. If they're not working out...find another. My situation was a good example. I INSISTED that we both do MC and IC to help us cope after my wife's online EA. My IC was AWESOME. Our MC was completely "on my side". While gratifying, it didn't create an atmosphere where my wife could feel safe...and things went downhill from there. Combine that with the fact that my wife's IC and our MC were good friends and talking about the situation between them, my wife felt totally uncomfortable with counseling there. We ended up dropping the both of them, and going to my IC for MC instead...and that was a huge factor in our successful recovery. I've read horror stories of the antics of some 'would be' MC's...SHOP AROUND until you get one that's worth the money you'll be paying.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 The first session should be a basic getting-to-know-you deal...the counselor will ask what brings you there. What we look for is someone who doesn't immediately peg one partner as 'the problem'. And someone who can focus on forward movement, instead of bringing up childhood issues, ex issues, etc. I have some of those horror stories Owl speaks of. One asked us to compare each other to our ex's in the first session. Another asked for our divorce papers from our first marriages (not to each other!). We had one who only wanted to talk about herself. Now we have a guy that we both like and respect. That's what you need. Someone who you both like and respect. Don't be nervous. Just be honest.
Author travelgirl Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 thank you all. I will go in there with an open mind and will keep my mouth shut when H is talking. After my H made the appointment, I looked her up and she is pro-marriage. I also called and talked to her on the phone a few minutes about her background and she was very nice and open. Doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing but so far, so good. We go tomorrow at 1pm. My H is leaving work to pick me up so we can go together. I am so glad we are on the same page and keeping an open mind about this. Wish us luck!
angie2443 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I agree about interviewing the counselor ahead of time and to know what to look for in a marriage counselor. My husband and I made a big mistake and just picked the counselor who was closest to home. She would have made a good counselor for someone just wanting to learn more about themselves and trying to figure out what they wanted in life. As a MC, though, she didn't have any focus or plan as to how to work through the marital problems. The experience made me negative towards any type of counseling. Make sure this one is trained in marital counseling.
65tr6 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 travelgirl, do you mind sharing how your session went ? just curious. Completely understand if you chose to ignore and not share. Just trying to learn from others here.
Author travelgirl Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Sure, I don't mind at all. I actually updated my own initial thread and forgot to update this one.... I pasted below what I wrote last week.... First MC session: H picked me up and we went together. Both of us were talking and relaxed. It was 90 minutes long. Our MC was nice and sweet but I don't think she is the one for us and the good news is we both agreed. She didn't ask us one thing about us, our history, our family, our problems, when did you get married, any kids etc... All she did was have us talk to each other and "mirror" everything back. We both started off saying why we thought the other was here. That went okay but it took forever to mirror and add anything anyone missed. Then instead of finding out about us, she went on and on using analogies about communication and how each person represent a different culture/country/movie blah blah blah. I understood what she meant in the first 2 minutes and she went on for 10 minutes. Then my husband had to talk about "his country" while I mirrored him back - and then we were done. That's it. I spent $275 on THAT? I felt totally ripped off. Maybe it is our personalities, maybe it is because she is older, maybe it is because we both have been talking and communicating really well lately and this seem like a step backwards. But my H did open up some about our beginning and my giving up a lot (family, friends - moving to his locale, my career for motherhood, etc... ) while he didn't have to compromise and while he should have more appreciative, he thinks he actually subconsciously became more selfish and demanding. That was nice to hear. Still, I understand the concept of "mirroring" but if we have to mirror back every 5 minutes, isn't half our session wasted? I never got to talk about "my country." Plus she gave us no homework, no advice, no good job - just asked to show each other some affection at the end which we would have done already. Then said she is MIA for 2 weeks and can get us in on Dec 12th!! So, no thanks. I already had a back up MC lined up for this Wednesday. Hoping he is a little more personal. Otherwise, we seem to be on our way, taking it slowly everyday. The communication between us on the phone, in person and texts are more open then we have been in years. It really is eye opening how we easily let our marriage slip away for years without even realizing it. We go to a new MC today. We are going to see how he goes. If it doesn't go well, we will look for another one. We are also contemplating a MC weekend. It is a MC married couple who does an entire weekend of therapy. I thought my husband would dread that but he actually really wants to do it. It is like the floodgates of all our feelings/emotions/anger/sadness are open but after each session we need to close them. It isn't like we are NOT talking - we are, but my husband really likes having the 3rd party there. I will let you know if we do book that.
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