tuscansun Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Hi all, as some of you know I had a knarly break up that dragged on for almost a year (We were together for 3 and a half). He very quickly began dating this woman who he works with who I had suspected had been somewhat interested in him for some time, in fact I had hung out with her at a couple office parties of his. I dont question his devotion at all during the relationship, truth be told, I was the more unhappy one during our time together; in fact he spoke pretty badly of this girl, we were both trying to 'walk the Christian walk" (not very succesfully) and he would point out how 'K' was really bawdy and how at happy hour all she would talk about is all the guys she had slept with etc....my ex is more reserved. Anyway, during our messy break up he began seeing her, and before I knew it he was sleeping with her and claiming her as his girlfriend. However, he admitted to still being in love with me, he said he just realized he couldnt make me happy blah blah blah...Him being with her devastated me, especially knowing he was sleeping with her, up until that point he had been my first and only sexually. I assumed she was the rebound chick, didnt expect it to last long, my ex is VERY inexperienced compared to her, kinda quiet and akward and she's...well, not. but it's been 4 or 5 months, and it seems to be going strong. They're both older than me (in their thirties) Im in my early twenties and I can't help but thinking, if they get married Ill shoot myself (not literally). I don't want him back, he's right, he can't make me happy, took us years to figure it out but we are probably not right for each other regardless of how much love is there. If he's happier with her than I want to be happy for him but Im not. I hate him for being too cowardly to try to work things out with me. I see him following through on promises he made to me, WITH HER, and it makes me sick. I kind of obsess over it and I just want it to stop. I want to focus on my OWN life, not his. He was all desperate to stay friends but I realized that was keeping me from letting go so I cut that off. Now its even harder though cuz I obsess over where they're at...how's it coming along...will he really marry her?.....I'm just still so so so hurt and Im having a hard time focusing on my own life instead of his/theirs....HELP?
EmperorR Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Staying busy is the main thing, I always used to think about my ex 24/7, untill I started to stay busy, do anything except for being idle. At home, turn up the music sing along, turn on the tv, read a book, go to the gym. Don't focus on him I know its hard, keep at nc and soon you won't. Staying busy and occupied is the key
skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I know exactly what you are going through.. I have been separated for almost 4 weeks now and I cant get my mind of my wife.. We were together for almost 16 years and it driving me insane... wondering what she is doing ? who she might be doing ? and everything she is doing. it was so easy for her to say get out of the house I dont love you anymore and it has left me crushed, broken hearted and wondering where I went wrong.. So try and remain strong busy and doing something new.. but who am i to offer advice.. I cant do any of the things i suggested.... best wishes It will be tough at times but you will make it through....
Peter_pan Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 feel for you. i was in a 3.5 yr relationship, similar happened to me, ex went off with manager etc. i found that i dreamt of her and him being together and in my dreams remembering what such good times we had, this lasted for around a month, then that stopped and got replaced with dreams of being angry at her and wanting to go nuts at her but at the same time i wanted her back to, so i had to hold it in and take the high road. then as more and more time went by the dreams slowy stopped being so vivid and real and i would wake up in the morning feeling so un motivated and upset and felt this big void and sadness. so i would drag myself into the shower and cry for a bit then, play some music and hope the day goes quickly. once even more time has gone and you except its over and he/she is with someone new and it dosnt look like its going to change, well you except it and the "i wonder what there doing" and "who there with" stops and you just build your life back and gradually move on. create better friends, create new interests if possible take up a past time hobby. i found exercising good but at first i was to drained to work out hard. dont try and be happy for anyone now, now its all about you. care only about your own happiness. a change of scenery/ old friends/ and gym helped me through the tough times. eventually you'll be able to date and meet new exciting people and just enjoy it for what it is. hope this helps a little
openbook08 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Hiya Tuscansun (cool name!!) have exactly the same worries as you .... crap innit? but the guys here give great advice. keepin busy is the way forward. gym/walks/grocery shopping/visit friends/cinema/listening to music/rearranging your furniture/taking up a class/pub/club whatever floats your boat youll soon be so occupied with what time youve gotta be where & so tired from goin there that anytime lfet over is for precious precious sleep!! and one day youll realise you havent thought about him for a few hours....then maybe a day... It is hard I still think about him a lot but I dont get that sick feelin as intense thinking about him with new girlf. And I hope it just gets better and better!! You could also try singing Three Blind Mice or something in your head everytime you have these thoughts!! works a treat gets you laughin again. dont be hard on yourself what youre feelin is natural but you can get through it!
Author tuscansun Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 The problem is I really believe I have accepted it, at least that he and I won't be together but Im still mad as hell at him. Just the way everything went down was so heartwrenching and lame. We were just so out of our right minds....crazy nights of crazy sex just to feel the same awful cloud the next morning knowing that it didn't fix anything....all the emails back and forth trying to cope with all the changes. He moved 3 hours away early on in our relationship so we did a lot of driving back and forth during the weeks and even though Im busy I miss spending weekends in his city. I miss all the fun stuff we'd do and I HATE thinking he's doing all that crap with her, all the same stuff. ANd what's worse is, our plan was as soon as he was done his 3 year commitment to the DA's office in that city, he was going to move back here, we were going to get married yata yata...And recently he casually mentioned in conversation that 'K' was wondering what would happen if they were in my city to say, go to Sea World or go to a football game, and they ran into me...I hadn't even considered the idea of the two of them coming here together to do anything. Which got me thinking, he's quitting that job next year and moving back here....he wouldn't move here with her would he??? that was our plan he couldn't be that cold could he? It's possible theyll break up, I mean she's got her career to think about too but what if they dont break up? I know Ill find someone else and eventually all this won't hurt as much but Im only 23 and in my little life this relationship was a big deal and I would hate to feel like I loved this hard just to have him live out our relationship's 'future' with this chick...
Sysyphus28 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 When me and my ex broke up I thought about all the fun she was having at college..........(I'm older) at her dorm........ Then I remembered...oh, I did that already. Let him lve his life without you. Thier is a person that will cherish you like you deserve to me cherished. F-ck that jerk. Sometimes it takes one person to break up the relationship to bring to light that the relationship sucked anyway.
Peter_pan Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 still hard though isnt it.. so you want to wait for them to break up? cause i did that and when i heard they did break up i felt happy and content enough not to break nc. i hoped she would. never did. she is still wiv him... your be fine, he was your first love and i have been told they are the hardest to recoup from. then that got me thinking that its easier in future cause you will be more careful and reserved. which sucks cause what if there like that. it wont be a pure
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Heya TS! I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My ex left me for another woman. They're dating now. Its been three months for them. I'm have came to terms with the break up, I overall accept it (though at times I falter), but in general, I do not want him back. Hell, I'm not even ready to talk to him yet! That being said, I have moments where I just freak out - will he MARRY her? Will he love her more than me? Blahblahblah! Its only three months for them and it drives me crazy (only sometimes). Most times I don't care. I think its just that I don't handle rejection well, and the fact that everything I wanted from him she is now getting - its just salt in the wounds. Thats life I guess. ;p
alwayssme Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 i dred the moment my ex will meet someone else. i know it will happen someday but for some reason i want him to be single for a long time. or i want to find someone i like before him. he hurt me enough already, right now i'm not even ready to think of him with someone else. it literally makes me sick to my stomach. i'm sorry to hear you're going through this. hugs
LittleDove Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I get you. I broke up with my X of 2 and 1/2 years, and within 2 weeks he had another woman.WTF? It really makes things harder to cope with, because they just seem to forget us and start living life as though we never existed. Its not normal to just jump to the next person without giving time to consider the relationship thats ended! I used to obsess, and think of what he was doing... I know they made plans to do, what we had planned to do.. I had to move away when I left him, and I left a paradise island life behind.I cant stand that hes still on the island, with no traffic and peaceful surrounds, whats worse is now hes with her, he has a different job, and is able to be with her on weekends. I was always alone, while he worked. So im also seeing him be a better boyfriend.. Anyway, that all ended last week, when I saw him, he cheated on her,(with me) almost sucked me back in, and it all blew up in his face. Then he took her to climb a mountain we had done together many times..that STUNG! see' the secret is out'..by me. it sucks, they suck, and time spent DOING stuff is the way to go. I have just booked my skydiving licence in. Im doing something to take my mind off that crap, getting my international licence back. Theres something really empowering about throwing yourself out of a plane.... Plus im lucky I have begun a new relationship, although far 'lighter' than the scary last one. Doesnt stop me thinking of the past sometimes.
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