anyone else who's suffered from depression, causing a relationship to break up?

[Jamez123]

is there anyone else out there who caused a breakup due to your own depression, and been able to explain the whole situation to your ex? And if so have they understood and given you a second chance?

[quankanne]

it's not exactly caused my marriage to break up, but between depression, stress, anxiety and health problems, DH and I are going through a rough patch right now.

 

the bad thing about depression is that you tend to make choices or say things you normally wouldn't ... from personal experience, I'm guessing that it's because you aren't "in touch" with your true self, it's an altered perception you have about the world going on around you, so your responses are off. Even to a point where you second-guess something or someone you normally love dearly ...

 

I do know that unless someone has knowledge of depression (i.e., suffers from it, has a loved one suffering from it or works with people who suffer from it), they cannot begin to understand how your mind works or why you do some of the stuff you have. I've got a friend who was diagnosed with it about a year or two ago who told me about it – he said I was one of the few people who didn't make him feel worse about his condition because I didn't understand where he was coming from. I know I felt the same thing talking with one of my girlfriends about my experience, she knew exactly where I was coming from and didn't act like something was wrong with me.

 

unfortunately, people either can't or don't want to make the effort to understand mental health problems, they see it as some kind of stigma when it really isn't.

 

I don't know if your ex will want to get back together if the situation was a bad experience for him/her ... however the best thing you can do is to help educate that person. Long ago, someone on the 'Shack posted this, and I found it a great way to let people know that depression is not something to cause shame or fear:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=160

[Melrapuo]

I was under a lot of stress/anxiety right before my break up. I had a multitude of different problems that I had to deal with. Some were school related (thesis, 20+ credit semesters), others were health/OCD issues (lifting too much, not eating enough, extremely strict with my diet, drinking heavily). I ended up going over the my ex's apartment (then gf) later and later every night. I STILL made the effort to go over there, despite all the crap I had piled onto my own plate, but I was becoming snappy sometimes, even when I didn't mean it. I'd say things I didn't mean, but very rarely. I never said anything extremely hurtful to my ex, but I was inadvertantly distancing myself from her. And I guess she started to do the same. She left me for someone else, and then a whole debacle occurred for the next month or two before I finally gave up.

 

I know I did things to push her away, but she did as well. I didn't feel like I had been getting as much attention as I once had, and I knew I wasn't giving it to her. But she decided that she would get it from one of her friends from high school, and left me for him. I was blind to it at the time, but knew that I had been jealous of her actions before this, and always brought it up to her. However, the one time I decided to trust her ended up having her leave me for him. I remember one night where he was driving us around (my car was totalled two years ago, haven't been able to get the money to buy a new one yet), and she decided to sit up front next to him. I should've known then, but I didn't do anything. That still hurts me, that I could be betrayed like that. I know I was a great bf, despite my faults towards the end. I would've done anything for her. Never hit her, never yelled at her (until AFTER the break-up). Never put her down, called her names (we did playfully to each other).

 

My depression may have played a part, but it was her who made the decision to leave me. She ended up dumping the guy she left me for a month after they started going out, strung me along for a bit until she hooked up with another guy (while trying to 'salvage' things with me.) That was the second time I felt betrayed, and I told her goodbye. Haven't talked to her in months. I've heard that she's asked about me, even though she's dating the friend of the guy she left me for.

 

Not sure what I'm angrier at. The fact that she betrayed me, or the fact that she's found someone and I'm still alone, almost 6 months later. But the last thing I'm gonna let happen is for the depression I had to get control of me. It's something that I've always had to deal with, and will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life.

 

O, and to answer your question - she knew about my depression, and all my problems. I fixed them, yet it wasn't enough for her. So I doubt my depression completely caused everything.

 

Take care of yourself, and good luck to you.

[lofi_tokyo]

I have depression and while it played a role in causing troubles in my ex and I's relationship, it is not the only reason we broke up. At the end of the day, we just were not compatible. In Alberta (the province I live in) the legal drinking age is 18. Social drinking is common for people my age (19). For my ex, who loves in California, the legal drinking age is 21... so... hes not at a point where going out to drink with friends seems respectable. There were a lot of other things too, such as long distance, pet peeves... etc...

 

You can't totally blame depression for a breakup. Yes, it probably was an issue if it was going untreated at the time, but I do not believe it was the definitive reason why your ex left you.

 

Quankanne makes a good point. Unless your ex knows someone closely that is suffering from depression, then it is possible that even in explaining yourself to her, she would not really appreciate your situation.

 

Finally, while I know depression messes with your head, you can't always blame your actions on the illness. Regardless of depression, you were still taught values, and if your actions reflected you had negative values, I do not think you can wholly blame depression.

 

 

Will you get a second chance if you explain your depression? Personally I think no. Your best shot, if you're gonna get one, is to move on for now, deal with your depression, and later on in life if you are still interested in your ex, call her up for coffee and talk. If things steer towards "whatever happened back in those days", then maybe you can explain "I was dealing with depression, I am sorry if it hurt you". Until then, I think it is time to move on.

[malika]

I think my ex broke up with me in a period he was going through a mental breakdown. He had moved to a new country, was struggling financially, had a severe injury and was constantly in pain, plus comes from an abusive family.

 

He deeply regrets his decision to breakup and asked me for a second chance. It's easy for everyone to call him a "jerk," but he was physically and mentally a disaster. Since I met him, I knew he had fits of depression or anxiety. I told him he needs to heal himself. People tell me leave him for good, but I have had friends and family suffering the same condition. I'd like to think there's a way to encourage him to improve his life, and possibly try to fix the relationship. I've told him I think he's suffering from depression (he hasn't been diagnosed and comes from a country where mental illness is not taken seriously), and he agreed with me.

 

I'm wondering if any of you guys have experienced the same my ex has? And what is the best solution to deal with someone who's depressed and made a poor judgement?

[Phateless]

I feel like my gf is doing this to us right now and it's killing me. I'm getting close to breaking it off because I can't handle it anymore. Honestly, I don't think I'd want to open that door again. We'd both get dragged back into old battles.

 

You should move forward, not backward.

[Doofus]

I don't know whether my posting will really help you or whether it will just seem like I'm sharing something but I'm pretty sure I have a similar story to everyone else that posted.

 

I was a Veterinary student (since graduated) and was dating another vet student although 1 year ahead. Things went fine but as the curriculum got harder and the days longer we began having problems. I think it started when I began to get bogged down with the sheer stress and grind - slowly depression snuck in (family history of depression too). I think I tried to reach out to my (now) ex at the time but she was a woman with an almost obsessive focus on school to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. It made things very difficult because I remember almost begging her to call me during the day because talking to her brightened my day...pathetic of me really. Over time I started to resent not being able to spend time with her because she was one of the few things that made me feel better. I would be short with her, get offended by seemingly minor infractions, but there was always that looming sense of doom.

 

We broke up for different reasons (her insistence at pursuing a residency w/o consideration of where I would work/live) but I think the major reason for a lack of reconciliation is the baggage that I accumulated prior.

 

I really wish you the best and hope you get an opportunity to reconcile (if you want to.)

[noone]

It made things very difficult because I remember almost begging her to call me during the day because talking to her brightened my day...pathetic of me really. Over time I started to resent not being able to spend time with her because she was one of the few things that made me feel better.

 

The same happened with me and my ex. We were in a long distance relationship. When I first got depressed, I asked him to email me everyday. Then, it was calling everyday. It wasn't like me at all because I'm not a needy person. Eventually, he realized emailing and calling didn't make me any happier as we would usually argue. So he ended it.

 

I'm still suffering from depression (it's been 4 month since he broke up with me). I am hoping that one day we could get back together, when I'm the happy person I once was.