ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I really don't know where to start so I'll try my best to start from the beginning. I've been with my current partner for 4 months and 3 weeks. This is his first relationship and we both have trust issues that we managed to overcome. He used to think the world of me, trust me with everything and love me completely. Around two months ago I bumped into the father of my neice, my sisters ex boyfriend, and began talking to him. Later in the week that I bumped into him I went around to his house for a catch up and ending up staying the night. We did not sleep together but he did go to kiss me. I pulled away. Around a month later me and my current boyfriend went to a nightclub in town with friends. I was very angry and upset with him that night and ended up leaving him. When he returned to the nightclub I kissed another guy in front of my current boyfriend. Obviously, my boyfriend was enraged and we had a big row. We are still together to this day... barely. He is having a hard time trusting me and feeling how he used to feel. Last night on the phone he told me he hates me for what I did, understandably, but he still loves me. Ever since what happened I have apologised profusely. I know this fixes nothing but he knows I am sorry. I constantly feel guilty but this is not why I am here. Can anyone give me any advice on how I can make things better? I understand that I will never be able to make it how it used to be. I merely hope we can be stronger for it and he can trust me again. I've never cheated on anyone before and I hate myself immensely for what I've done. I cannot lose him. He means everything to me. Please help me.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 OK, tell us what, if anything, either of these other guys meant to you... If nothing, you deflected one kiss and accepted another, that one right in front of your BF. Bad behavior, perhaps, but that's all. Personally, I think you're having some issues and/or doubts with/about your R and are sending out signals to other men. The last guy was just used to make your BF jealous, IMO. What were the issues which caused you to leave your BF and your friends at the nightclub? I'd have to be pretty pissed (angry, not drunk ) to leave in such public circumstances. What to do? Depends on your situation. More information is needed
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 The deflected kiss:- my sister's ex boyfriend who is 6 years old than me. The kiss in the nightclub, a total stranger. I was drunk and angry/upset, obviously drunkeness makes emotions higher. I was angry because my boyfriend walked off and was ignoring me all night. Previous to the kiss I asked if my BF touched my bum, he said no and re-acted badly. I was rather upset. Neither meant anything to me. I'm just worried about my BF and our relationship.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I was angry because my boyfriend walked off and was ignoring me all night. Is this normal for him? How are things when alcohol isn't involved?
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 He never used to ignore me. I was subject to affection by the bucket load. We're alright with alcohol. I won't get drunk anymore, in fact I barely drink. The ordeal has traumatised me. I had a drink this morning when I got up because I've been having a hard time with all this but only the one and nothing too lethal. I just want to know how we can progress back to a healthy relationship if possible...
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Based on the tone of another thread, is money an issue here? Progress is usually a process of getting the issues out in the open and working them. We did that in MC. Everyone has their own path. Can you and your partner sit down and talk about serious interpersonal subjects and feel like you're each being heard?
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Money is definately not an issue. If he talks I tend to get upset and feel guilty. If I talk he gets upset because of my guilt. It's a tricky situation. I try my best, but my emotions tend to get the best of me. Also if I can't express how I feel properly he will get angry.
Geishawhelk Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Could I suggest that you both try to get counselling, if only to investigate helpful and constructive means of communication? Guilt is a dreadful emotion to harbour. It cripples you. Remorse is one thing, which permits you to move on, but guilt sticks like tar to your mental lungs.... It chokes you and stops you 'breathing' healthily.
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Counselling? Then money becomes an issue. I can't afford £30 per session.
Geishawhelk Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 There are some organisations, like "marriage Care" who accept whatever you can give. And don't let the name fool you. They care about people, whether they're married or not.... I used to work with them as a workshop co-ordinator and I trained with them in counselling, until I had to interrupt my training due to a relocation abroad..... see whether they might help.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 MC for us was 165USD per session. I spent part of my retirement on it. Worth every nickel, especially in the area of effective communication. IMO, if you don't feel you're being heard or feel guilty about the interaction and can't find some middle ground on your own, a neutral third-party who has psychological training can help with tools to help each of you, as each of you are very different. Would you say your partner is communicative in a proactive way? Describe an example or two....
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I feel like I'm forcing him into telling me things. He says he doesn't wanna talk about it because it upsets me. I tell him he needs to but he refuses because it apparently it doesn't help him to talk about it. I was meant to go visit him on his lunch today but he didn't want me to go because he's still mad from a row we had last night about all this. I don't really help because I'm insecure about everything. Last night he said he didn't want to be with me so I asked him on the phone about an hour ago and I got "FOR F**K SAKE!", which is what I get a lot of the time. I know I pester him with my insecurity but him being like that really doesn't help. Oh and something I forgot to mention. Since we got together we haven't had a full day without seeing each other. We've spent minimum of an hour a day up to a week together. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I'm so scared of losing him. I know if it carries on I'm going to lose him but things get really bad and I get really worried, especially with him being so mad and emotional about what's happened.
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I've just rang Marriage Care and left my details. Thankyou for your help.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Since we got together we haven't had a full day without seeing each other. We've spent minimum of an hour a day up to a week together.My instinct is he's trying to tell you that things are OK and you both don't need to be joined at the hip to be in a loving relationship. Perhaps he is saying this poorly, evidenced by : "FOR F**K SAKE!", which is what I get a lot of the time. I hope MarriageCare can help. If you and/or he still have personal trust issues (not having to do with your current R), I would opine counseling is nearly an imperative.
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Earlier in the relationship he was the one making sure we see each other as much as possible. He still is on the most part. He doesn't want relationship counselling. Should I go alone?
Geishawhelk Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 definitely. Counselling isn't necessarily about keeping people together, come what may. It might even be that at this stage, there's an incompatibility (although I am in no way hinting this is the case!) so it will at least help you see yourself - and how you inter-act - more clearly. Counselling is about letting you come to your own conclusions by 'working' off an effective and empathetic sounding board. They don't advise, they steer. They don't recommend, they offer signposts. Good luck.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Earlier in the relationship he was the one making sure we see each other as much as possible. He still is on the most part. He doesn't want relationship counselling. Should I go alone? TBH, I find this dynamic incongruent. A guy who's into you and wants to be with you all the time should want to work to improve your relationship. Has he mentioned reasons for not wishing to participate in relationship counseling? I'm going to wonder out loud here if he's really not emotionally attached (yet). Only you know your dynamic but it is on my mind....
Author ShevLizzard Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I think he is trying to detach himself after what happened. When I told him I'd go alone he said "So some dude can convince you we shouldn't be together?" When I asked him why he didn't want to come he just said "I just think it's a bad idea. I just don't okay. But if you want to then okay" I'll find out why tonight.
carhill Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 It might not currently seem that way, but "why" is a really pivotal time. I hope it goes well
Recommended Posts