Would you date a man that earned less than you?

[carhill]

TBF....I'm curious. Since you've been married, how did you handle things then? Leaving his cheating out of the equation, how did the interdependence go? How could you tell who was supporting who?

 

I ask because, as my personal situation bears out, income does not always equal support. IOW, the person making the most money isn't always the person who supports the family. I think you know what I mean. Did you experience that in your M?

[Trialbyfire]

carhill, the financial blueprint of my marriage went as such:

 

The starting point was that we both went into the marriage, financially secure. We maintained separate bank accounts and portfolios. Bills were separated down the line so responsibilities were maintained by each person. Both of us were fiscally responsible, therefore, allocated sufficient income towards retirement but separately. Sometimes he would pay for things, other times I would pay for things. In this, there were no hard lines drawn in the sand. For vacations, we each paid our share. For big ticket items, down the middle. Cars and hobbies were paid out of our own funds.

 

Keep in mind that we were both in the investment industry so financial matters weren't a big deal. Not once in our marriage, did we fight over money. If he wanted to spend whatever, he did. The reverse also held true for me.

[Star Gazer]

Historically, about 90% of the guys I've dated have made less than I do. So long as they were able to carry their weight, I was okay with it. Unfortunately, most of them lived beyond their means, and planned outings that were far beyond their means, which made me uncomfortable.

 

As I've gotten older, and the men have also gotten older (and received raises, furthered their careers, etc.), it's much more equal. But still, 9 times out of 10 I still make more.

[carhill]

carhill, the financial blueprint of my marriage went as such: <snip>

 

 

 

Thanks for that. I'm reviewing my methodology for processing gaslighting and seeing your situation in text helps. Words and actions match.

 

That said, truthfully, most of the long-term successful marriages I've seen are completely intertwined, financially, spiritually and emotionally. I say this regardless of socio-economic status. Unclear whether financial stuff plays any role, but offer it as an observation.

 

Personally, when my wife and I met, I made more than her, but, due to life circumstances, she now makes more than I. Sometimes life throws one curves. Hopefully, not too many wild pitches

[Trialbyfire]

I understand what you're saying carhill but there's an independence line that I can't live without. It's one of my needs. Total intertwining gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 

Of the successful marriages I've seen, financially, many were setup similar to mine.

 

I want someone to want, not need as in essential services. It has to be on their own cognisance or not at all.

[lovestruck818]

I would date someone who made less than me as long as he had a good job and a bachelor's degree. When I say "good job" I'm not talking money-wise, I'm talking job-status-wise...ie. white collar. Blue collar check yourseld at the door, I don't want any of that.

[fromlonelytogreat]

Education wise, I've got my Master's. Although, that shouldn't really matter.

[2sure]

On second thought...if I loved someone, and could swing being the main supporter of both, if they had a profession they loved or that took time to establish - I would be supportive.

[Brimstone_Angel]

This is why most women don't like me when I talk about money. The moment a woman thinks my ability to love her is based on my ability to have more money than her, she finds herself getting ignored when she doesn't make the same amount as me. A couple of women jaws dropped when I told them they better be making $2200 per month (this was when I was in the military).

 

To this day, I hold that same rule for weeding out females who base relationship on a person's job status or if they make a certain amount. I have read plenty of stories and articles where women who dated and/or married men who made considerably less money than them and had on average better relationships than men who made the same or more amount or who were white collared workers. As a matter of fact, a few of these women have helped their men to open their own business or involved them in their business and found their finances raised.

 

While I can understand some people place financial security as part of their necessities for a relationship and it does not make it bad, but to me and from studies and experiences I have learned from others, they wind up not having the love of their lives.

 

For the guys who find women judging their romantic prowess and worthiness based on their financial status and don't like it... Make the same demand on them and stick to it until you find that woman who could careless about your financial status and fall in love for the man you are inside.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Scientific researchers I know make a very decent pay. I'm not sure why you think so low of that profession. I currently work closely with researchers, and they are the smartest people I know. Most make more than the average pay.

 

Why thankyou

[norajane]

It depends on how much less, and how the guy handles it.

 

If he's making a LOT less than me, no, I don't think I could date him, not for a long-term relationship. It wouldn't be a problem at first, and then gradually, issues would come up.

 

As an example, I like to take nice vacations to foreign countries and stay in nice hotels and spend money on fantastic food, sight seeing tours, music and plays, whatever that locale has to offer. I am not a roughing it kind of person. If he's making so much less that he can't afford it, then he's not going to be able to go with me unless I pay for it. And I have never been with a guy who was ok with me paying for HIM for stuff like that - their pride is injured or they are resentful that I can plunk down that kind of cash or they think I'll have less respect for them or whatever, but they don't allow it. So, now, I'm left with going with someone else, which means I'm missing out on a lifetime of wonderful adventures with my lover/husband, or I'm not going at all, which I cannot accept.

 

That's one example, but you can extrapolate to buying a house together, where to send kids to school, college educations, and most other things requiring money, even small things like splurging on dinner somewhere really fancy or buying a TV.

 

If he's going to feel inadequate using "our" money, then I either can't have what I want, or all kinds of resentments will brew on both sides.

[Star Gazer]

A couple of women jaws dropped when I told them they better be making $2200 per month (this was when I was in the military).

 

I don't understand what you mean by this...

[carhill]

He was qualifying them, a lot like you qualify a client. Can they afford your billing rate?

 

Not saying I'd do this, but that's what it sounds like....

[2sure]

Isnt it generally true though, that we are attracted to people with similar values as our own? Artsy people, musicians, creative thinkers more likely to be attracted to someone similar? Likewise, a man who places his income high on his list of needs, would be attracted to a woman who also did the same.

Not to mention that most times people in similar income brackets have more interests in common. Travel, Hobbies, Toys are vastly different at different levels of income.

I am not a huge earner. My dates almost always earned much more than I did. But to be honest, I dont think a guy with a simple lifestyle would be that attracted to me either.

[Brimstone_Angel]

I don't understand what you mean by this...

 

There were a couple of women I was interested in, started talking to them and they had the same requirement as many of these women, the man needs to be making as much if not more money than them. So, when I heard this, I'd ask them if they made $2200 per month (that is how much I made as a sergeant in the Marine Corps), when they said no, I told them, I like you have the same requirement of the women I date, so I guess you and I won't work out. And I'd stop talking to them. God I loved the look on their face when they thought I would play that game.

 

I am a loving man and I will do anything within my power and reason to prove that and to support the woman I love. It is not because of money, her beauty, or what she is on the outside, but for the woman she is on the inside that I have come to love. And that is where TRUE love come from, not a man's wallet.

 

To me women who work this way are no better than discreet prostitutes. And this is just my opinion.

 

Think about how many women looked at a guys finances, thought he was a good guy, and he wound up being an abusive and/or cheating louse. And how many of them get stuck in the relationship or find themselves financially either back to the same level it was before they were in the relationship or worst off?

[Brimstone_Angel]

Isnt it generally true though, that we are attracted to people with similar values as our own? Artsy people, musicians, creative thinkers more likely to be attracted to someone similar? Likewise, a man who places his income high on his list of needs, would be attracted to a woman who also did the same.

Not to mention that most times people in similar income brackets have more interests in common. Travel, Hobbies, Toys are vastly different at different levels of income.

I am not a huge earner. My dates almost always earned much more than I did. But to be honest, I dont think a guy with a simple lifestyle would be that attracted to me either.

 

Even when I had the money I lived a simple lifestyle. But, I had money in the bank to do what I wanted. And I am glad that I live the simple life, because if I did not, I would not have had the money that I needed to support me during these dark times of unemployment.

 

I live the and love the simple life, but that does not mean I don't enjoy the finer things when I indulge myself in them, I just don't make it a lifestyle.

[sb129]

I've never met any women who would form a relationship with a man who earns less than them.

 

Well I am marrying one who does in less than 6 weeks, so its nice to meet you.

 

My fiance makes half what I do, and right now he isn't working at all due to our personal situation and the job market in his field. He has a job that starts in January.

Last year he made more than me and supported me through a job change and a move and helped me pay off debt, and I am very grateful for that. We were living in another country where he got paid more for his profession than he will in this country.

 

After we get married, I will continue make more than he does, but we have a budgeting system that works well for us and allows us to do things we want and have a few luxuries too. He will have to support us when I take time off to have kids......

 

We have a system that works and I love him for the total package, not just the paycheque (or lack thereof).

[Brimstone_Angel]

Well I am marrying one who does in less than 6 weeks, so its nice to meet you.

 

My fiance makes half what I do, and right now he isn't working at all due to our personal situation and the job market in his field. He has a job that starts in January.

Last year he made more than me and supported me through a job change and a move and helped me pay off debt, and I am very grateful for that. We were living in another country where he got paid more for his profession than he will in this country.

 

After we get married, I will continue make more than he does, but we have a budgeting system that works well for us and allows us to do things we want and have a few luxuries too. He will have to support us when I take time off to have kids......

 

We have a system that works and I love him for the total package, not just the paycheque (or lack thereof).

 

This is a woman who knows what true love is about. My best brother and his wife are like that. She is working right now while he goes to school to get his degree and he only does part-time work. And she may be making more money then him even when he is finished and gets a new job. She is a nurse right now.

 

My aunt made more money than my uncle. And even after he lost the ability to work do to a stroke and she became the primary bread winner, she stock by her man until his death.

 

Women like you SB, my best brother's wife, and my aunt are women who know what love is about and how it works and give guys like me that real women still exist in the world. Kudos and blessings to you.

[Rooster_DAR]

This is why most women don't like me when I talk about money. The moment a woman thinks my ability to love her is based on my ability to have more money than her, she finds herself getting ignored when she doesn't make the same amount as me. A couple of women jaws dropped when I told them they better be making $2200 per month (this was when I was in the military).

 

To this day, I hold that same rule for weeding out females who base relationship on a person's job status or if they make a certain amount. I have read plenty of stories and articles where women who dated and/or married men who made considerably less money than them and had on average better relationships than men who made the same or more amount or who were white collared workers. As a matter of fact, a few of these women have helped their men to open their own business or involved them in their business and found their finances raised.

 

While I can understand some people place financial security as part of their necessities for a relationship and it does not make it bad, but to me and from studies and experiences I have learned from others, they wind up not having the love of their lives.

 

For the guys who find women judging their romantic prowess and worthiness based on their financial status and don't like it... Make the same demand on them and stick to it until you find that woman who could careless about your financial status and fall in love for the man you are inside.

 

This is brilliant, absolutely agree with you.

 

Money matters to a certain point, but it's not everything. I stay away from the shallow people who base their criteria on status or wealth, they are usually boring and superficial.

 

I make more money than most women I know, but I don't go around bragging about it, and certainly don't expect my partner to meet those expectations.

 

Cheers!

[Humbleman]

I would never date a woman who earned more than me.

[D-Jam]

I'm a man, and I wanted to toss in that I'd totally date a woman who made more than me, provided she's not expecting me to give up my career for a family. My current girlfriend is about to go into Dental School, and when she gets out she'll most likely be making more money than me.

 

I don't feel insecure about it at all. I think the only problems I've found with the "she makes more than the man" scenarios is that too many guys will get insecure and feel like less of a man because they're not in the same income as her. I guess it doesn't bother me because I usually compare myself with myself. I can't expect an Interactive Art Director to make as much as a full-fledged Dentist. It's crazy to think that way. The only manner I see as if I am doing things "right" in my life is if I am ambitious to grow and push to be the best at what I do.

 

On the female side, the only mistakes I've seen made are the women who make way more money suddenly want a man at her level or higher. They want it where if she can afford a luxury trip that he should be able to as well. Usual common complaint though I find from these women is that the men they think would make ideal mates are suddenly out chasing flings with younger, hotter women...rather than take her on as a committed relationship.

 

Plus these women need to bear in mind that if they want the higher income male, they have also just vastly rejected most of the male populace. So if the 6-figure female lawyer wants a 6 or 7-figure husband, not only is she very limited in who she can get with, but also trying to find one that likes her and is willing to commit (thinking again of the many wealthy guys seeking trophies more than the ambitious career woman). Lots of competition among women for those guys.

 

Another mistake I've seen made is some of these career-ambitious women with high incomes believe they can have it all. So they are willing to date a guy who makes less, but after marriage she's suddenly expecting him to give him his career to raise children. She feels that since she makes more it would be better if she stayed working, but she also wants a family.

 

This only works out well if the man is WILLING to give up his career for her. I know personally I would give up my relationship before my career. That's just how much it means to me. So if my girlfriend became a Dentist, we married or something, and now she wants me to be Mr Mom for her possible family ambitions. I would say no...even if it means we break up and it's all gone. I guess in my eyes I've been dicked around too much in my love life by other women and I just don't value it all as much as I do my career and personal growth. Call me selfish, but that's my choice.

 

I usually suggest to the career women who want a Mr Mom to date a male teacher or just someone who is willing to do it.

 

I hate to be so cold about it all...but I still say that if family is a big deal to the woman, then sometimes it comes down to a choice of career VS marriage. To choose to focus more on being a catch to find a good husband, or to have that career and high income...unless she's willing to not worry about him making more. I know this sounds bad, but it's unfortunately how things are in the world.

[Lishy]

I earn £200k a year so every guy earns less then me!

[D-Jam]

I earn £200k a year so every guy earns less then me!

Sounds like you're realistic about it. Not saying you're going to get with a loser who works as a fry cook, but you're not sitting there requiring your man earn more.

[sb129]

I earn £200k a year so every guy earns less then me!

 

Doing what?

 

Plenty of people in London make that kind of money, and if you are earning that I would have thought you would come into contact with those kind of people all the time.

[Trialbyfire]

I think Lishy's being facetious!

 

I could be wrong though.