Family broke us up....4 years later...we talk and sparks fly..again!

[mysterious girl]

Hey! I'm new on this and joined because I really need some good advice. Ok at this very moment, I'm still undecided about whether to go ahead with a LDR (again), so any useful advice would be much appreciated.

 

Well, he's actually a close family friend and I met him 4 years ago, when I was on holiday with family. I was really shy and he was really sweet about it....we clicked really well. Anyway, on the day I flew back to the UK, he was flying to America to study. We started talking via email and msn regularly and got to know each other really well. My parents were really strict (religious issues) with me so this communication took place behind closed doors and was the only form of communication with low risk of detection! After a few weeks, we discussed what was going on i.e. were we going to be in a relationship...whether we would call each other boyfriend and girlfriend etc....

 

This relationship carried on for about 6 months (still email and msn...I hadn't heard his voice at all or seen him) and then my parents found out. I was told that I was never to talk to him again. I sent him a secret email telling him what had happened....of course he was hurt but kept blaming himself saying that it was his fault (he still thinks that). 4 years passed since we spoke, and after the death of a very close family member, I was suffering from depression and just wanted to be loved. So, I sent him an email asking how he was....we got talking again and he told me that he still loved me and that the last 4 years were so empty for him.

 

We've been emailing each other everyday for the past 3 weeks and sparks are flying again....now he is hinting that he would like for us to 'date' again....but I'm older now and so for some reason, things seem so different (I was 18 at the time, I'm 21 now). I really like him but I'm confused as to whether it would just be better to be best friends....especially because we haven't met since that holiday 4 years ago (am I still attracted to him?) and my parents aren't fond of him (what if they find out again?)....I really don't know what the next step is. He said that he doesn't want to get into a relationship if he is just going to end up losing me again....there's so much at risk but I cant help how I feel, even though at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm in love or just afraid of losing his friendship! What should I do???

 

Sorry this is long but I really wanted some good advice based on all the facts. So, If there is anyone who has been in the same situation, or knows what he is feeling, or what I'm feeling, or has some advice on what I should do, I would really appreciate it!

[Rollercoasterr]

Sweetheart, you're 21 years old. Religion or not, you're well old enough to be making your own decisions. If you keep letting your parents control you and decide who you get to have in your life then they are always going to do that to you. The second that you step up and say "Look, this is who I've chosen. Deal with it." They are going to be forced to accept your decisions, and they'll get over whatever it is that's making them act this way. But if you go to the approach like "Ummm....Mom...Dad...is it okay if I like this boy?" then of course they're going to dictate what you do in your life because you're letting them! You can't help who you love or like, so if you think that you might want to try to make something work with this boy, then by all means, do it. You do what makes YOU happy, and dont worry about the rest.

 

And dont go thinking that I dont know what it's like to be young or anything, cause I'm actually the same age as you. I'm sure my parents would like for me not to date a french canadian, one that talks funny, and could possibly take me a thousand miles away from my home, but they're dealing with it and have actually become very accepting of everything. You just have to make your own choices in life.

[mysterious girl]

Hey, thanks for that sound piece of advice! Its true, I've sort of been 'conditioned' to think that whatever my parents say must be right for me in the long run and it's difficult to break away from that. I love them so much but sometimes I think I'm being sheltered from the world and sooner or later, it will be too late to be young and experience life....the good and the bad...do you know what I mean? I understand why my parents are so protective but there is a limit you know?! Plus, not only do I have that to think about, at the same time, I feel that it's such a risk getting involved with him that my feelings for him (still not sure what they are exactly) are overshadowed by fear!

 

Its got to the point that I'm now thinking...is he worth the risk...do I really like him enough to go ahead....I'm so confused right now! If you don't mind me asking, how did you know?

 

Thanks again for the advice and support! I really appreciate it!

[Magpies]

You'll never know unless you try. Take a chance ... what have you got to lose?

 

[Maggs]

I read this and didn't reply that same day, and now I see Rollercoasterr has stated everything I would have. It is hard to have the disapproval of your parents but believe me....they'll get over it! It's YOUR life--you do what makes YOU happy, and no one else.

 

The only thing I would add is to take things slow. Is there anyway you can plan a visit just as friends, to see how you get on again after all these years apart? How far apart are you?

 

You do have quite a romantic story--of love lost and found again. I wish you lots of luck. And keep us posted on what you do.

[Island Girl]

Hey mysterious girl!

 

Well, I am married to a man my mother despises. She said she would disown me if we got married. I went and married him -- she didn't.

 

We are LDR now but soon will not be and that will be the real blowup/war/whatever.

 

My husband is the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with who completes me and understands me in ways no one else can or ever will because of things we have been through. He is the partner in my life who I will grow to old age with (knock on wood!-literally!).

 

I love my mother. But she is 75 and will not be around forever. At times I admit I do feel guilty still because she IS 75 and this seems to trouble her when she isn't pretending it doesn't exist. But - at the same time - I feel like she should want ME to be happy and HE is who makes me happy. Besides this is an issue we have had for the last 20 years.

 

In this world it is difficult to find the one you love that will love you back and stand by you. Look at all of the dating internet sites and speed dating and matchmaking, etc.

 

The way I see it my husband is my husband and provides things in my life that my mother doesn't and vice versa. I do not see it as a choice between the two of them although my mother likes to state it that way.

 

And when he comes here and we are living together she will have to get over it. My brother says she will. But I still do not know that. She has said already that she hopes we do not have children. Since I am 39, that may not happen anyway but we will be trying the second he gets here.

 

Life brings what it brings and we want our own family. It will work out however it works out. I just know I love my husband more than words can ever say. He is the ONLY person who takes me completely as I am and I can speak this glowingly about while I am very angry with him at the moment. LOL

 

I think you get what I'm saying. You have to build YOUR life. You have to build YOUR family. Whatever that looks like and whoever it is with. Just make sure there is a lot of love and support and it sounds like you have a pretty good foundation of that starting already.

[mysterious girl]

Hiya Magpies, Maggs and Island girl! Thank you kindly for your comments. I really do understand that at the end of the day, it's my life and my future, but when you've grown up in a culture that 'overprotects' daughters, to break that and be accepted is so, so, so, hard! Plus, I've always had this ridiculous need to please others, especially my parents. That's why I lack the confidence to 'stand up' to them.

 

I also have extended family, who don't make life any easier. I mean, I'm very close to my aunt who I have told about him (but I haven't gone so far as to tell her that things might get serious....21 is too young I'm told ). My culture sees daughters as naive, inexperienced and unaware of the world around them...so even if I try to show them that im not naive and I do know what goes on in this world, im constantly thrown in the deep end, you know, the end where the 'parents know best' and the 'religious' card are swimming confidently!

 

Maggs, at the moment, he is living in canada (winnipeg to be exact) and I live in London. Going there to visit...even with friends, would be...I'm afraid to say, completely out of the question! I just about get permission to travel on the tube alone (an hour's journey to the other side of London is the furthest I have ever been on my own and even then, I've gotten permission only because I'm going straight to my extended family's house! )

 

My family don't HATE him exactly, but any contact I have with him will get them to that stage! Something that might be an option is for him to come to London for a visit...He was saying that he might come next summer for a week or so but the chances of me being able to see him are very slim, let alone spend any time with him!

 

Oh, what is one to do, that is the question!

[Rollercoasterr]

The second you stop asking permission for things is when your answer will come to you. 21 is an adult, sweetie, not a child. They only treat you like one because you allow them to do so. And like I said before, this will continue until the day you die unless you do something about it. I know it's hard, my mother is very very controlling, but the first time I went against her felt amazing to me, and she finally saw that I wasn't going to be her little baby for the rest of my life.

 

This boy obviously likes you a whole lot to even consider being with you again after what happened the first time. He's taking a big leap here. So far you haven't done anything. I suggest that you mention him in passing to your parents, just to see what they say. Who knows, their opinion might have changed. But you will never ever know unless you step away from your fear of them and live your own life.