amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Or how about it makes him happy by boosting his ego and she is happy because she's doing what she obviously wants? Nevermind him really. I think she should do what she wants to do with that letter. It's a nice message and if she feels compelled to send it then she should. Just because it's not what everyone would do doesn't make it wrong. It seems like it would make her happy. He's special to her.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 they pursue me, send me emails everyday to meet again and it is hard to me but i tell them I do not have any conection with them. OK now those guys you did not feel the connection with....he is feeling the same way about you, and he came straight out and said it. It took him 3 dates to realize he didn't have a connection. The same feeling you have for the other guys you didn't have a connection to and it was hard to tell them that - that is how he is feeling for you, and he did say that the things he needed for a relationship with you weren't there - a connection is what he meant. please leave him alone. If in the future, he changes his mind and thinks he made a mistake, he will contact you. Don't count on this, though! If you haven't sent the email, don't do it. If you have, move on as if this has never happened.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 yes, as the my message said . but when we were meeting last time I was after 2 sleeples night and a cold with strong headache, i had to work a lot for a project and i was nervous and i did not focus on him well. he came from home after the beauty sleep, from the box. i am happy i am here with you to talk about this, actually i am feeling very bad i want to send a message to make him to understand he can come back to me if he want and i will be there for him because i like him, and I am willing to work on communication issue., I do not know how to say with another simple words
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 what is hard to understand that after the 2nd date i did not want to date him but because he was so insistent and asking me if I disappear because i did not know how to say to him i do not want to date him, I decided I will give a try and meet him again, and I start to like him. my problem was i was weak because of the sleepless night and cold, plus i had to ask him i will be 1 hr in late because i cannot go out from work as i was planned.
Isolde Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 When people really like someone, often they're not rational. I don't think it would hurt if she sent him this one LAST letter. It might give her some closure. He's not going to think she's a stalker because this level of seriousness is normal in her culture (it sounds like it because they had been talking about marriage already). Of course I still think it's a bad idea but I don't think she's physically going to stalk him.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I am sending him email through the dating site, i will not call him or to write to his email. it's worth it to try to find out if he's the one? i do not want to be pushy or manipulative. I want to be honest about my feelings about him, he was so panicked when i did not reply after the 2nd date because i had no internet connection and then i because of the cold i had to postpone the 3rd date a week later. maybe he got the opinion I date more at once or I am not serious. But I am serious just too much in my lifework, cold, I had a surgery that cause a infection I took antibiotic , all among the month we were dating. he does not know about the surgery.
oceangrl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Your letter is pretty much trying to tell him "Hey, I'm here, come chase me..." Asking him about a relationship after 3 dates is not good.....If you are going to email him, I would keep it casual and do not talk about a relationship. Just say hi and keep it friendly. But my advice is like the everyone else's....don't do it. If you do it....at least you will learn from it. Always remember this: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay. Don't give him the chance to reject you again. Men don't forget how much they like you and if he liked you....trust me he would ask you out himself. You wouldn't have to write this letter....don't learn this stuff the hard way like me.[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/COLOR]
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 actually he was asking me at the first date what is my opinion about marriage because he want to be married, then the second date he was asking me the same. but my social worker told to me firstly to do things together to see how it is and then to talk about marriage. this level of seriousness is normal in her culture (it sounds like it because they had been talking about marriage already) so you know I am not an american but I am living/working here now
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Y do not talk about a relationship. I want to talk about this because he is divorced and he told to me that he things that single person like me with career are not able to be in a relationship. but i am able and this why i am going to a social worker, i am on the dating site etc.... actually i was asking when we were meeting the first time why he contacted me because I do not fit into his requirement since he want only widow and divorced and myself i am single.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 are you still here to give me feedback? I am sad and desperately.
oceangrl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I'm guessing you guys must be around 30 years old or something? And you are saying that he thinks you will not have time to spend on a relationship because of your job - so you want him to know that you are able to make more time for it? Is he from another country too?
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 hno he is from here from USA, where i am living now. yes we are older 30+
oceangrl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I know what you are feeling, I've gone through what you have...I think most people have....its part of learning. It makes you stronger
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 he said that it seems that the marriage is not my priority number 1, but actually i am desperately trying to find someone. but for me i need 3-4 dates to have a more deep sense of the person. i regret at the begin of our dates i was not so focus on him because of my health problem- but he does not know about my surgery with infection, i was all the days change the dress at the urgent care and somehow depress because of that. now that is over and i can pay ore attention to him.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 i want somehow through the letter to tell him i am able for a relationship and able to pay attention to his needs.
oceangrl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Well my best suggestion (since I'm pretty sure you will send some sort of email) is to tell him that you had a good time last time - even though you had a bit of a cold. Tell him you know that he made an effort to see you even with your hectic schedule and that you really appreciate it. Tell him that you wish him well too, and if he wants to meet sometime in the future, let you know because he made a nice impression on you. Just keep it light!!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 So because you are taking your time to get to know him, and because you have your own issues to deal with (surgery), that somehow means that you are not making marriage a priority? I don't understand this guy. It is normal to take it easy in the beginning, and take time to get to know each other. You barely know him. Also, he thinks that you do not want to get married because you have a career? How else are you supposed to support yourself if you are single? Welfare? Listen, I understand the need to let him know he is wrong. You feel like he got the wrong impression of you somehow. If you are intent on sending him some kind of letter, why don't you just say, hey, I wasn't feeling well on the last date and I don't think I gave it my best. I do want a relationship, but I also want the time to get to know someone. Let me know if you want to try again. I personally think you should leave it alone but if you are determined to send him a letter, then at least let it be as light as possible. Leave out the heavy stuff.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 he does not know about my surgery, and it was very difficult to make him to understand my internet at home is not working and i have to go at work in a hidden place with my laptop to open the dating site. that is true i did not give my best, because I was so tired and cold, and he was very insistent to meet that day and i was feeling so bad i had to call him and to postpone it 1 hr later since I could not leave my office in time.
oceangrl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 This is what i'd say if i really had to send something... Thanks for taking the time to meet with me last time, I had a good time even though I wasn't feeling well from a recent surgery. I know you made an effort to see me even though I had a difficult schedule that day and I really do appreciate it. Let me know if you if you want to meet up sometime in the future because you made a nice impression on me.
Author Love_Forest Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 i did not sent any letter to him but the whole day at work i was thinking what to write in the letter to have him
Author Love_Forest Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 I want to invite him to some have some wine from my country what do you think about this idea?
Meet 4 Coffee Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 No. He is not into you at all. Stop making excuses like being sick and the surgery and having to decline getting together once as him being put off by you. Not being able to get together one time and not being at his beck and call one time is not your fault and is not going to stop a guy from asking you out later. He didn't ask you out, he wrote you an email he didn't want a relationship with you. No excuses for his reasoning, the reasoning is he just is not into you and isn't attracted to you anymore. Sorry. Could we get a male viewpoint on here to let her know that this guy couldn't be less into her and put her out of her misery now?
RecordProducer Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I am not English native speaker so I cannot detect all the grammar and wording. LF, you've learned a lot and your vocabulary is "piled up" well, but I stongly suggest you enrol insome ESL classes or just got to a book store, purchase some grammar books for foreigners and study them by yourself. Your grammar is very awkward and random, and it speaks of someone who is not ambitious and enthusiastic enough to improve something VERY imporatant: the language of the country in which they live. This is not so important for dating, but moreso for your career. I feel somehow guilty because perhaps when we meet last time I was after 2 sleepless night because i had to finish some work and also i had a cold, and perhaps i did not pay enough attention to him. you know when you are cold and tired you are a little nervous and have difficulties to focus on the conversation.Then tell him THAT. Tell him that you think you probably left the wrong impression that you're not interested in him, but you are very much, that you would love to see him again, if he wishes that too. If he is interested, he will respond. If not, you tried. Your original letter is pointless and stupid. You don't tell people 'I want you to open up to me' - they open up if TEHY feel like it, if you earn their trust and confidence. Even therapists don't force people to open up. Besides, your views on relationships in general are discussed in person with a drink and a smile - not as a tragic confession. Every letter has to have a point and a request; your letter requests that he surrenders to you (illegitiimate request) and has no point whatsoever. Trust me, if he was thinking about going out with you again, after a letter like this, he'll be sure he shouldn't. If you just ask him out, showing him your interest in him, he will answer with YES or NO. Keep it simple; don't complicate life. actually i am needy and creepy and clingy!In the western mentality being needy and creepy and clingy means you're a nut-case, a psychopath who suffocates or controls her partners. Is that what you are?
Isolde Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Wow, LF, and I thought I fell hard the couple of times I dated guys and they didn't like me. You must REALLY like him, huh? Ask him out one more time if you must, but please, please don't ever contact him again if he says no. Don't open yourself up to so much hurt! Honestly, I think you both need to move on!
amiracle Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Love Forest, please listen to all the good advice! I am sure that you are a beautiful, loving, caring woman, but please listen to this: I have lived on several continents as a woman, starting from the age of 18. Each time I had to change to fit in with the customs. You can NOT use your thoughts and feelings to talk to men in a different culture- UNLESS you learn the signs and signals for that new culture! Please take your time to translate this. Each culture has different signs for what you want to say to a man. At the moment you are using your OLD culture to communicate with this man. This will be bad for you!! Learn the new signs, behavior for the US culture- then you can talk to this man again. At the moment you will drive him away- if you continue with your OLD behavior. Please ask your social worker, counsellor, help center to tell you more on what to say and do in the US, so that an American man can understand your intentions. I learned new ways on 4 continents- I am certain you can do this! Take time for yourself- desperation is very bad in all cultures! You are a professional woman- be proud and happy with yourself first- then you will find a good man!!
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