Dlyrica Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I just broke up with my boyfriend of about 3 years like an hour ago. I feel numb right now but I know the pain will catch up with me soon. I was so sure for a long time that this was the man I was going to marry but lately I have felt like it wasn't working. Last week, we got in a very stupid fight about pregnant women (!) or something completely random. Later that same night we were drinking and I realized that he had hidden two beers from me. I simply asked him why he couldn't just say he wanted the last two beers rather than hiding them and he completely flipped out. He started going on about how I didnt appreciate him and cussing me out..the works. Although I barely said anything, it eventually escalated into him dumping his beer all around his apartment and packing all my stuff (including my pet rats) by the door and telling me to get out and I was gonna realize what I was missing eventually. So, without a word, I called my room mate and she came over and we brought all my stuff to my house. When I was leaving he said "I just want you to appreciate me." He kept texting me when I got home and all I said was "What do you want me to say? You made it pretty f---ing clear its over." So the next morning he texted me about a million times telling me he was so sorry and maybe he was bipolar, he couldn't live without me..etc. That night I let him come over and I thought I would give him one more chance. We got along fine that night/the next day and then I spent the weekend with my sister. Well, last night he was sleeping on the sofa and I playfully woke him up by getting in his face and tapping him and he got scared and jumped as I expected him to. All I asked him was "What are you doing sleeping at 9?" and he proceeded to go off on me and said things like "well maybe if I sat on my a-- all day like you I wouldnt be tired." I went in his room and just layed there crying and about an hour later he came in and said "God, I'm so sorry you dont deserve to be treated like that" and kissed me on the cheek. I didnt say anything to him and went to sleep. I broke up with him about an hour ago because of last night and because I called him earlier to ask him if he saw the snow(I always get excited by the first snow) then I called him again after class to ask him when he was bringing my dog back. He got annoyed with me for "calling him too much" and basically hung up on me. Anyways, I'm sad. I don't know if I did the right thing and mostly, I dont know what steps to take to move on. Any advice, stories, etc appreciated. Thanks!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I'm proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to end a three year relationship. I never had the strength and eventually got burned because of it (I'm still healing up 3 months later!). If things between you and your ex have not been going well, and you're so young, then I see nothing wrong with trying to move on. It long relationships its hard to say goodbye, so I understand why you maybe are reconsidering the break up. I think though, if your gut instincts were telling you to get out, you probably were not wrong to some extent. I don't know, maybe other people here can offer more insightful info, I could be all wrong, but right now I think you quite possibly may have done yourself good, it just does not feel like it yet. The first move to solidly moving on is to find your closure, get your things back, give your ex his stuff back, and then start living yourself for YOU!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Also, is that black dress from Express? I think I have the same one!
Author Dlyrica Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Thanks for your reply! I have no idea where its from I borrowed it from my roomate:laugh:
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 If you had married this guy, it would've been a living hell, I can promise you. You did the right thing. Yes, it's always hard to disconnect after breaking up but you need get through it because this guy is a total jerk and you'll be miserable if you stay with him.
Author Dlyrica Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Thanks T-Lawrence you're sweet Angel1111- I know, you are probably right. I think the thing that messes me up is when he is not being a complete a-- he is so awesome. He didn't use to treat me like crap it's a relatively new habit of his. He actually use to treat me so great which is why I fell in love with him to begin with. Did I mention I have known him since I was little? Dang, this is going to suck huh?...
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Thanks T-Lawrence you're sweet Angel1111- I know, you are probably right. I think the thing that messes me up is when he is not being a complete a-- he is so awesome. He didn't use to treat me like crap it's a relatively new habit of his. He actually use to treat me so great which is why I fell in love with him to begin with. Did I mention I have known him since I was little? Dang, this is going to suck huh?... Yep, it's gonna suck. You're going cry your heart out and probably be willing to sell your soul to go back to him. But what you just said is almost verbatim what all women who live with abusive men say. It all starts out so great and then the abuse slowly starts until you're living in a hell and you don't even know when it started. He's showing you a side to himself that you're not going to want to experience for the rest of your life. He will take away every ounce of your life if you let him. Just steer clear. You dodged a bullet and you did anything but make a mistake. You basically just saved yourself years of agony, and a nasty divorce (where kids would most likely be involved). Yes, I'm sure he has a nice side - which is what hooks most women into staying in these kinds of relationships. But their personalities and moods aren't stable or predictable, and you'll never know what you might do to antagonize him - so you'll end up feeling like you're walking on eggshells. BTW, be prepared for him to start going nuts and trying to get you back. No matter how charming he is, no matter how cool-headed or nice he is, please don't fall for it.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Angel is absolutely right. From the sounds of things, you have done something amazing - gotten out of a bad relationship before it got really bad (I didn't... I'm jealous of you)! I am sure you will miss you ex dearly and want him back, he's definitely going to want you back since you left him... but by the sounds of it, its time to move on to greener pastures and see whats out there. Trust me, I had moments where I thought it was a good idea to dump my ex but didn't. I was too weak to be independent - well things got worse and worse and here I am - feeling good now, but the first few months were killer. You've skipped out on the bulk of the hurt this guy could have cause you. I'll say it again - good job.
Author Dlyrica Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Thanks you guys. I never really realized how I sounded. I even said to my room mate the other day right after he kicked me out- "Sometimes I feel like those women who are in an abusive relationship." I guess because he never hurt me physically, I didn't realize how badly he treated me emotionally. Thanks for the insight.
Author Dlyrica Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Angel is absolutely right. From the sounds of things, you have done something amazing - gotten out of a bad relationship before it got really bad (I didn't... I'm jealous of you)! I am sure you will miss you ex dearly and want him back, he's definitely going to want you back since you left him... but by the sounds of it, its time to move on to greener pastures and see whats out there. Trust me, I had moments where I thought it was a good idea to dump my ex but didn't. I was too weak to be independent - well things got worse and worse and here I am - feeling good now, but the first few months were killer. You've skipped out on the bulk of the hurt this guy could have cause you. I'll say it again - good job. I forgot to say, when you said you were too weak to be independent, that is EXACTLY how I feel a lot of the time. Even his friends make remarks like, "Whatever, she can't breathe without you."
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 You've done yourself good! I have no idea how long or how quickly it will take you to get over your ex entirely. I am sure everyone has days where they miss their ex's, even if they wanted/needed to get out... but what I can say is, someday you'll be with someone way better. By leaving this guy, you have taken the first step - a very big and very difficult step to take - towards finding a man who will love you and treat you with respect. And you know what else? If your ex cared about you enough - maybe, just maybe, losing you will cause him to seriously reflect on the man he has become since he first started dating you. You may just be doing him a huge favor.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I forgot to say, when you said you were too weak to be independent, that is EXACTLY how I feel a lot of the time. Even his friends make remarks like, "Whatever, she can't breathe without you." And yes, its sooo hard letting a guy you want to break up with go, when you've loved him so long, and are afraid to let go. Personally, I was afraid of hurting my ex, and more so, afraid of hurting myself. What if I regretted my choice? What if I missed him and he resented me for dumping him? What if he MOVED ON to someone else? I did not break up because I was terrified of all the answers to those questions. I held on and eventually he left me for another girl. My mistake! ;p The worst part is - because I never asserted myself, I do not think he realized just how badly he behaved in the relationship. Now, hes going to bring his same problems into his next relationship. The poor girl who stole him away from me - as much as I hate her in some regards, I can't help but feel shes in for a rudeeee awakening.
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 And you know what else? If your ex cared about you enough - maybe, just maybe, losing you will cause him to seriously reflect on the man he has become since he first started dating you. You may just be doing him a huge favor. Dangerous words - these guys never change. The only thing he'll change are his tactics so that he's craftier next time.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Dangerous words - these guys never change. The only thing he'll change are his tactics so that he's craftier next time. You think so? Maybe you are right. I honestly don't know. Personally, I like to think everyone has the capacity to change, given the right motivation.
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 You think so? Maybe you are right. I honestly don't know. Personally, I like to think everyone has the capacity to change, given the right motivation. I understand your thinking but that's exactly what will get you in trouble with these guys. I lived with one and read so many books on the topic that it made my head spin. Trust me when I tell you that I'm speaking from experience and extensive reading. The percentage of men who change is very, very small. Like 1%. They love the power they get from controlling a person, and giving that up is like giving up heroine to them. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking you can change someone. Take them at face value. A good rule of thumb is: If a guy treats you badly, give him one warning. If he does it again, walk away and never look back.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I understand your thinking but that's exactly what will get you in trouble with these guys. I lived with one and read so many books on the topic that it made my head spin. Trust me when I tell you that I'm speaking from experience and extensive reading. The percentage of men who change is very, very small. Like 1%. They love the power they get from controlling a person, and giving that up is like giving up heroine to them. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking you can change someone. Take them at face value. A good rule of thumb is: If a guy treats you badly, give him one warning. If he does it again, walk away and never look back. What if the guy is young, can't he grow up and mature a bit? Do men really bring their same selves to each new relationship? Is there no changing how they treat women badly? (Sorry Dlyrica for talking about this on your thread... but Angel has me interested!)
Author Dlyrica Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Talk away! I'm just as interested myself.
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 What if the guy is young, can't he grow up and mature a bit? Do men really bring their same selves to each new relationship? Is there no changing how they treat women badly? (Sorry Dlyrica for talking about this on your thread... but Angel has me interested!) You're talking about something so deeply instilled in them that it's probably genetic. A lot of people disagree with me but my ex had a son who was exactly like him. The thing is, he was never around his son - he lived with me in the US and his son lived with his mother in the UK. He saw him maybe once or twice a year. Still, his son was EXACTLY like him - hot tempered, mean spirited, etc. So, to me, this was not learned behavior. From the time the child was a baby, he wasn't exposed to his dad. And I didn't get the impression that his mom was abusive. And on the flip side of that, my ex's dad used to abuse him when he was a child - physically and verbally. The first time I went to the UK to meet his family, his father insulted his son during our first visit. It infuriated me but my ex sat there and didn't even flinch. But, the thing is, where does the desire to abuse come from? I mean, people say it's learned but where did it start in the family line? I'm sure it's not always genetic but the case with my ex's son really astounded me because I don't know how that was learned. And when it's learned, it's usually at a very young age, too. Again, making it something that is very hard-wired. Considering the things this guy did to the OP, I can tell he's abusive and he was testing her to see how far he could push her. Kicking her out, all that, it's inexcusable. It's demoralizing. Even if he's bi-polar, he's also abusive. No matter the reason, he would make her life a living hell. These people will put you on an emotional roller coaster that never seems to end. And you'll end up blaming yourself most of the time. I thought if I were a better person, or more of this, less of that...whatever. All my life men have complimented and admired me a lot, but my ex made me feel like a nobody. Yes, he had his wonderful qualities - highly intelligent, great sense of humor - we definitely had fun. Otherwise, there would'vr been nothing to keep me there, right? I got involved with a MM 6 mos after my divorce from the abusive guy. MM once said to me, "You're with me because I'm safe." He may have been right. I think I've been afraid of getting too close to anyone since that nightmarish relationship. These men are not worth what they take from you.
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