BF won't kiss or have sex...am I a fool?

[Goldberrygirl21]

Hi everyone. I could really use some guidance. This is going to be pretty lengthy, I apologize.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and three months. Four months ago we moved out west from where we were living in Florida. He is from here originally and all his family and several friends are here, including a twin brother. We moved out here because he got a job here.

 

Six months into our relationship, he moved in with me. I paid rent alone while there; he asked if I'd do that for a couple of months until he got some bills paid off. That turned into 6 months. I let that slide. Meantime, I paid 90% of the time if we went out, I bought him gifts now and then (even plane tickets twice, which he said he'd pay his half and never has), I cooked all the time, took care of housecleaning and grocery duties, massaged him almost every night, did his laundry, all the while maintaining my own finances and employment and never asked him to buy me gifts (he bought me a belly button ring once, though). He owed me money for utilities (and a plane ticket), but never paid me. I recently erased the debt. Although I'm a really independent woman and far from a "gold-digger", it bothered me that I paid for so much and rarely received anything. I felt a little selfish for feeling that way, but it didn't feel entirely right.

 

So we moved here, and I still do all that, but we split rent and utilities now. But something else has been bothering me even before we moved here: he doesn't kiss me and we rarely have sex (once every other week, sometimes once a week....believe me, I could do it every day, twice a day)! That has been going on since approximately seven months into the relationship (well, he really never kissed me much). I have been having a hard time adjusting here, even though I have travelled the world and am used to adaptation. It's a mixture of my difficulty finding good work even tho I have a degree (I wait tables at a country club, but business is slowing down due to approaching winter and my hours are cut to part-time), I have had to find new friends (he has some here), I am farther from my family (all of his are here), I am taking three classes in preparation to apply into a graduate program for next fall, and I'm trying to make time to job hunt every day, as well as work out (I like to keep active and in shape....for me *and* for him)!

 

In combination with all of that, plus my discomfort with the serious lack of affection in our relationship as I mentioned, my mood has slowly become more and more despondent. I have always been such a happy, positive, vibrant, sunshiny person....now grey skies have rolled in, I'm less motivated to do things, I am drinking more, I have picked up smoking, I have much less energy, although I am still trying to push myself and fight this down mood, cause I know it's not good for me. My school studies are slacking (I have a year to complete these online courses, but I set deadlines for my own self which I am not meeting). I am becoming more moody and harboring angrer and resentment. I have tried to speak with him about how I feel about these things: the kissing, sex, helping me with house duties cause it's getting to be too much. I have tried to do it maturely, but sometimes I get so upset that I don't communicate in a very rational way. And sometimes he's defensive and doesn't want to talk about it. I do have to say overall I'm really pretty good; I listen to him when he's speaking before I speak. I *always* own up to any mistake I make (usually it's in communication) and apologize when I could have done better (I seem to apologize a lot). I'm feeling really bad; sometimes I'm not perfect and I try to do a lot for him, but I feel blamed so often. So I try to leave the issue alone for a while, but nothing changes.

 

In *addition*, he wants his twin brother to move in. He says it'll save us money, and give his bro someplace to stay (he currently lives with their mother and she has been wanting him to find his own place). With the strain our relationship is under (and my own need to heal and get happier), I do not feel good about this. Yet my dumbass agreed to do it, trying to please my BF. We have a 1200 sq ft place, so it's a bit much for three. I made the spare room into my office and art studio (I LOVE writing and painting and wanted to do more of that to help myself), but now i have to move that stuff into the only other available space, the dining room. I do enjoy a quiet space to go, but now there is none (except our bedroom, but it's small and there's no room for my stuff in there). And I'm not sure if I feel good about cleaning up after and cooking for and chasing after TWO men for utility and rent money (I am responsible for making sure bills get paid).

 

So this all might sound obviously trite and insane to you...I'm a 30 year old, so-called educated young lady (my BF is 26), and although I have for the most part been really strong in my life and done a lot on my own and have always been able to sort out any conflicts together with any partner I had, this is totally stressful and I am finding myself really not thinking very well during this period and needing some advice. I love this man....I believe he loves me, and I don't mean to complain so much here....he's really fun, we mentally think similarly, he's really wonderful...except for what I've already said. I *want* to be kissed, I *want* a good sex life....I'm so disappointed, feeling emotionally empty, too much like a mommy or a roommate and not enough like a girlfriend.

 

My questions....am I doing something wrong? Could I communicate what I want in a different way (a letter, wait it out for a few months and see if he comes around)? Is this looking to you like a bad idea if the bro moves in (maybe it'll help us cooperate more, I don't know)? Or am I being an oblivious fool? How do I get through this? It's ok to be brutal...I'm ready for and open to a good kick in the pants.

 

I'm about ready to end the relationship, but I don't know if I should do that until I'm a bit more healthy. Although I don't think I'm entirely "messed up"...I still feel really good about who I am and love being in my skin...just something doesn't feel very good overall here. If there's anything I could do differently to improve this relationship, please advise! If the worst case scenario happens and things get worse, I'm not sure if I could leave (I can afford it, but it was me who put down the $1100 security deposit on our place).

 

I'm sorry this turned out to be REALLY long, but thanks to you who kept up with me in this silly little drama. Sending out a small SOS....

 

Cheers,

Thank u so much,

Goldberrygirl

[Goldberrygirl21]

Yeah, you're right....boundaries. I've told him that I need them both to help me around the house and I can't be cooking all the time for both of them. I've made it clear that I am going to then utilize the dining room for my art/writing space (tho it's not much of one being adjacent to the TV room without a wall to separate). But as far as the sex/kissing issue....he doesn't like talking about it at all, so I'm afraid to bring it up. Maybe a letter? Short and clear and concise, not lengthy like this one. I don't think I'm asking for a whole lot...or maybe I'm being too demanding? I don't feel like I am...Thanks for your response.

[Geishawhelk]

I think you're living with the hope of him becoming the guy you'd like him to be, and because of that hope, you're reluctant to face facts.

Without remedial behaviour on his part - which might well include counselling - this relationship is doomed to get worse.

Look at what it's done to your moods, your temperament, your character, your personality.

Do you want to perpetuate that influence?

 

"We teach people how to treat us".

 

he's riding roughshod over your good nature and basically using you.

And you're basically sending him the message that "it's ok to do that, because I'm letting you go on doing it."

 

I'm sorry to say it, but I think kicking him to the kerb would be the wisest and healthiest thing you could do for yourself right now.

 

no, I mean - RIGHT NOW.

[Ponder]

Hey Goldberry,

Listen i just wanted to tell you that your not going nuts and its quite reasonable some of the things you want your bloke to do. If it was me id be quite resentful at all that he has asked and how little ive been given in return. I wonder if the sex thing is a passive aggessive thingy or maybe im just seeing my problems in your situation. Its just i know if ive done anything that bothers my partner i dont get it for a couple of weeks either. Ive found a lot of help on passive aggressive websites maybe you could have a look and see if your guy is one. Anyway best of luck sunshine. I hate seeing nice ppl getting screwed by butt holes. Hope it all works out for you.

cheers

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Funny how he doesn't want to talk about the sex/kissing thing and by doing so he gets exactly what he wants- keep things as they are.

 

Your mood is not normal, it is a signal that things are wrong, which I think you know. You need to have a serious heart to heart with this guy or nothing will change. They still might not change after you speak, but at least you know you have let him know what is going on with you. You are sad, angry, and frustrated, and yet it seems as though he is not helping you at all through what is clearly a difficult time for you. Is this the kind of person you want by your side?

 

As for the brother, he should not be moving in. Did you clearly state that to your bf? I have a feeling you didn't. If you don't stand up for yourself, who will? I know it is hard, I have a hard time doing it myself, but it is so important.

[xpaperxcutx]

You're mothering him.

 

All the things you have done up until this point has been about pleasing him and meeting his needs. You're a 30 year old woman, and you can't look after a guy 4 years your junior without any repercussions to your character. He's either using your hospitality or you're too weak to see that the relationship is on unfair grounds.

 

I'm not sure about his maturity at this point, but you need to be strict and upfront with him about his non participation. He can't avoid talking about it, because you can't avoid it either. Worst outcome, you end up with the 1200 sq feet apartment all to yourself.