Eyeofthoth Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Hmmm . . hold on . . . technical difficulties
Author Eyeofthoth Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 That was weird. My original message posted with all this code in it. . . Let's try that again. Well, first of all, a big thank you to all here who have responded to my posts over the past few months. The 6 months and not healing thread turned out to be pretty healing for me. Nothing like a good party with friends to get things moving again. As anyone who has followed me at all knows, I have had a lot of trouble with the big NC for multiple reasons, but I think I may be turning a corner with it. Everything people have said here has helped me so much, not the least of which is No Foolins' famous red pill: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ . . . and all the people who have shared their input on that thread. I do feel that I am beginning to experience a major shift, and I want to share this with people. The past couple of weeks I wanted to break NC something terrible, and I felt as though the only real way out of that was to ask myself, at a very deep level, what I felt I could accomplish by doing that. . . I kept getting the same answer, "How will he know that I still love him if I don't keep telling him that? All relationships are different and everyone's break-up is different too. In my case, the reason that question haunted me so much was because shortly before and also during our break-up, he said to me several times that he had never really felt that I loved him on anything but a superficial level. This was so far from the truth that it just blew a hole through my heart to hear him say it. But the fact is that as soon as he said this, I asked him what I could do to prove my love to him, and he said, "absolutely nothing . . . I think it's my problem." Not only that, but since he said those things, I have told him that he is the love of my life, I have told him I will always love him, and I have done everything I could think of to show him that I do love him truly, madly, deeply, and I hope, unselfishly. . . So now he must know this. I should not have to keep saying it because I told him more than once that it would always be true. I have to trust now that he knows this and that if he doesn't come back it is not because he doesn't know. It is going to be really hard during the holidays though, because I know I will start thinking that if I don't at least send him a Christmas card, how will he know that I haven't changed my mind and my heart? I haven't announced to him that I am going NC now, and I wonder if I should do that or not? So that he knows the lack of a card doesn't mean anything? If someone could help me with that one, I would appreciate it . . Hmmm. . . well I said I was beginning to experience a major shift. I never said I was all the way there yet On the whole though, I now believe that what I need to tell myself is that I did everything I could, and that now I have to focus on deeper questions, such as: Apart from his major insecurity (LOL -- because this part of it is not about HIS problems, but MINE) . . . What were the problems in the relationship that would still be there if we tried to get back together, what part of these problems are under my control, and how can I take care of these problems while we are apart so that if I do get another chance with him, or if I meet a new person (I am pretty much equally open to both of these possibilities at this point) . . .I will really be ready, I will be emotionally healthy and I will have time and space in my life to give the relationship the best of me. . . I said to a friend of mine yesterday that I have always operated like a pyramid: The base of the pyramid has always been my relationship with a significant other, and when that has been stable, I have been able to focus on other things, like work and hobbies, etc. Without that stable base, I have tended to fall apart. Maybe I need to change the base. Maybe the base needs to be ME . . . But is it really possible for me to change this? It feels like such a fundamental part of my personality to be so relationship oriented. . . ? ? ? ? ? ?
Author Eyeofthoth Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Wow -- T Laurence, how did you read all that so quickly when I took it off for editing after two seconds? Anyway, he is not a narcissist. My ex-husband is a narcissist, so I can tell the difference. This ex was actually a very giving person, but majorly insecure. Truth is I am in a higher socio-economic bracket than he is due to education, career, etc. None of this mattered to me at all, but I know it did make him insecure, especially when he started having career problems. But that's about HIM . . .
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 how you all doing? T-laurence i think yesterday you said it was your b-day today? well HAPPY B-DAY to you ! Eyeofthoth Ok first i dont think you should use going NC as a reason to contact him... You see that sounds funny right..." Hey im just letting you kow im not calling you anymore" na na a boo boo....sounds silly right?? like a little kid picking on there best friend or somethin... you know? Its best to keep them wondering what the heck happened to the person that couldnt leave them alone last week,, You were talking about insecurities...well everyone has those issues somewhere in their blood ,,, even a narsissitic... that is why they are so troubled to find out that they are not perfect,, and half the time its the significant other reminding them they are NOT perfect,, and that is why the narsissitic usually has control over that relationship and will adventually dump the person that keeps reminding them that they are NOT perfect but a mere ****head! haha anyways,,, if its a relationship we base our pyramid on top of then if that person walks away from the pyrimid,, then you know what happens... the stability of that foundation is ruined!! everything you worked hard for on top of that is NOW a messy mole hill... that which we would have to start all over again everytime we built a pyramid on top of a realtionship.. So its best to start by being strong building your new pyramid without a relationship.. and make it stable by working out all the kinks in the structure(being you) that were there before ,during and after the relationship that broke the pyramid.. perhaps start dealing with issues from your divorce,,,, we all have to work on ourselves ,, and now we have all the time to do it..
Author Eyeofthoth Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thanks LF Yes, I agree . . . Breaking NC to announce NC is just silly . . . so I ain't gonna do it. And the pyramid thing -- Well, theoretically, I know the base needs to be me, but again, how do I change from being that relationship- focussed person that, honestly, I love and don't really want to change? Also, none of us are ever "fixed." We always have things in ourselves we need to work on, so I don't see how having things to work on should prevent one from looking for a relationship -- relationships are great places to work on ourselves too . . . Feels kind of like a conundrum to me, but maybe its just a matter of degree.
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 im used to not hearing from my ex.. im used to not contacting him.. heck im afraid to contact him,, for fear of not hearing back.. And trust me i have all kinds of silly reasons to contact him..non of which i have used yet. its been 5 months since he walked out my door,, to later call me, while on a plane ,to dump me with a flight attendent telling him to hang up... its been 4 months and 3 week since i sent him an email.. asking that we speak so i could clear some questions so that i could have closure from him which he replied "i do not think we should meet up for it would only prolong the inevitable..Let's meet up in six months...im sending your stuff in the mail here is the UPS routing #.. your a wonderful person you deserve a great guy im not going to waste your time you should be spending finding your match... talk in six months" i have that memorized!! HAH! doesnt that email sound a little contradictive? no lets not meet up(mind you i never asked to meet up but to talk on the phone).. lets meet up in six months... geezuz! he so confuzing.. So anyways i havent heard from him since,, i havent contacted him either... guess im trying to demonstrate what ive been working throu everyday so yeah it is lonely but you can do it,,, ive been doing it for basically five months...
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 we are never fixed.. relationships do help you see new things about yourself,,, and for me not always pretty.. he he.. but yes relationships certainly can bring the best out of you and the worst and all of that is stuff we can learn from,,,,, it is a matter of degree... but i think balance would be the key here...as far as being a well rounded pyramid.. ahh ..so to speak:D or maybe thats just what im personally trying for,,
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 but my ex certainly is.. we dont really know that they are not feeling pain or going through crap themselves.. we have no idea... perhaps its simply because of these factors pride and guilt maybe they to fear rejection if they contact us... who knows really... but hello!! here we are right now in this moment, writing here to get through it.(light at the end of the tunnel starts here) T-laurence your going to be sad mad pissed depressed happy sad mad pissed and freaking a mess at times,, but that is how we get to the light at the end of the tunnel... im still working my way out of this damned tunnel and i guess sooner or later im just going to be SO sick of this tunnel taunting its light around at me,,,, that i will just give up and stop trying to get there,, but just be there in the light..happy once again.... i cant wait but one day..i will be and so will you and everyone else here reading..
Author Eyeofthoth Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 TL -- Don't assume they aren't going through anything. Since I have contacted my ex, I know that this has been and continues to be very hard for him. And if it isn't hard for them . . . well, try not to take that personally and don't worry. . . Something else will be hard for them eventually. The tough things in life catch up to everyone sooner or later.
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 T-L its because we arent ready...yet there is always other people out there for us... one day... until then we have to get over our loss first. ok im out for the night.. hope you guys are doing alright.. try and go out and look at people and think... hey there's a cutey;) that a start right?
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