ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here and have posted on the infidelity forum a few times regarding my situation. Here's a quick rundown of my relationship: I have been with my partner for just over 3 years (we are both women) and we own a house together and have been building a life together for our future. About 3-4 months ago a straight girl at her office began flirting with my partner and my partner reciprocated in what is essentially became an emotional affair. This EA caused my partner to question her feelings for me. She doesn't have contact with this person outside of work now, but our relationship has changed for the worse. We have talked about breaking up a few times, but nothing concrete until saw on her social networking site Saturday that her relationship status was changed to single. So, Sunday I left the house to be with some friends for the day and she asked where I was going and I told her that it doesn't matter since we are broken up and she wants to be single. This did not go over well. She called and text me later Sunday saying she doesn't want to be hateful, etc. So, I have been sleeping in our guest bedroom the past two nights and have not called or text her throughout the days (for checking in, etc.). Trying to do as much NC as possible when we are still in the same house. This morning she came into my room and asked me how I was and I said I was fine. She then rolled me over and hugged me for a while and buried her head in my neck. Then she let go and kissed me on the cheek. So, this is CONFUSING me! She wants to be broken up and move out once we have our house situation figured out, but then she is trying to be affectionate and loving. It makes me upset because of the confusion it is causing. Thanks for any insight!
Owl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 This is because she's STILL in contact with the subject of her emotional affair. Work contact still = contact. There's no chance for reconciliation while this is still ongoing. Go to marriagebuilders...read up on plan A. Read up on the "carrot and stick of plan A"....just do NOT post on the forum there...trust me on this. I still think that you need to insist on NC, and work to identify and meet her emotional needs. The dynamics of an affair work exactly in virtually every situation.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 We aren't together at this point or attempting to reconcile. We are in the same house, but in different rooms and are having little contact. I'm trying to move forward b/c she wanted the break-up, so I'm not saying a lot to her, etc. I see your point with the work issue, but she has been unable to find a different job for some time now. She had been looking before this EA happened. However, I still do not understand why, when she was the one to break this off, she is trying to hug me and kiss me on the cheek and be affectionate. It baffles me. Is she having 2nd thoughts on the break up? She she trying to make herself feel better b/c she has hurt me?
Owl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 She could be having second thoughts... She could be trying to minimize the 'impacts' to her choices... She may not even be THINKING about how her actions conflict with her words... The trick for YOU here is to steer in YOUR direction...not hers. If you want reconciliation...then make it happen. If you want to end things between you...then make it happen. But...don't allow HER confusion to impact YOUR decision making process. Make sense?
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Sorry that you're in pain.. Don't let her kiss and hug you anymore. Distance and detachment has to happen, it's cruel of her to expect you to want her, since she is the one who wants the R to end.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 She could be having second thoughts... She could be trying to minimize the 'impacts' to her choices... She may not even be THINKING about how her actions conflict with her words... The trick for YOU here is to steer in YOUR direction...not hers. If you want reconciliation...then make it happen. If you want to end things between you...then make it happen. But...don't allow HER confusion to impact YOUR decision making process. Make sense? Thanks Owl and Whichwayisup... I am trying my best in this difficult situation to distance myself from her and have very little contact, so that I can try and move forward until she moves out. I don't know if I want it to work. I did think I had found the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and then to have it all ripped away has been difficult. I do still love her, but I have to think to myself "is this going to happen again?", etc. One of the reason I think she is trying to be affectionate is because I was always more dependent on her than she was on me and she anticipated that I would be begging for her to not break up with me, calling and texting incessantly and I am not doing any of those things. And, I think that has thrown her thinking completely off because I'm not acting in the way she thought I would.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Any way you could get out of the house for a few days or weeks? Being separated and in the same house is unbelievably painful. It would also give you two some time to come to grips emotionally with your separation/break up as well as to figure out the reality of your situation a little more.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Any way you could get out of the house for a few days or weeks? Being separated and in the same house is unbelievably painful. It would also give you two some time to come to grips emotionally with your separation/break up as well as to figure out the reality of your situation a little more. We will be apart this weekend and then the next week for the Thanksgiving holidays, so there will be some separation. A family member of mine is willing to move in with me and help take over her part, but he is concerned that she will want to get back together and then he would have a difficult time finding somewhere to live with such a good deal that he has now. I completely understand his point of view.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Maybe committing to that family memeber would be a great step should you decide that there is no hope at reconcilliation. It would also send a strong signal. Have you discussed this option with your partner, if so what was her response?
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Maybe committing to that family memeber would be a great step should you decide that there is no hope at reconcilliation. It would also send a strong signal. Have you discussed this option with your partner, if so what was her response? I'm waiting on my cousin's response to whether he wants to move in...I don't want to pressure him, so I told him to think it over and get back with me in a few days. We are like brother and sister, so it would be a natural fit. We have discussed her moving out and she is fine with that. By "fine" I mean she is ok with it at this point. I imagine that when that day comes it will be quite tough for both of us. I think my partner has decided for us both that there is no hope at reconciliation. That is why I am baffled my her affection this morning that I spoke of in my original post.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 CAH, I'm sure she has much sadness regarding her decision and that she doesn't want to hurt you. To me that is what the affection is about. Do you think its a little risky to risk her relationship with you over someone who was previously straight? Risky in that the straight person might decide that the lifestyle isn't necissarily for them eventually? I'm asking for personal reasons as a very dear friend was reestabishing a R with her first partner from college (15 years earlier) and then found out that the former partner had developed feelings and began to see dear friends very best childhood friend (straight adn coming out of a BAD marriage) who ended their friendship when DF came out to her. In talking to my DF I keep saying, what are the chances this can work considering she was SOOO adamantly against your lifestyle back then? Any thoughts on that?
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 CAH, I'm sure she has much sadness regarding her decision and that she doesn't want to hurt you. To me that is what the affection is about. Do you think its a little risky to risk her relationship with you over someone who was previously straight? Risky in that the straight person might decide that the lifestyle isn't necissarily for them eventually? I'm asking for personal reasons as a very dear friend was reestabishing a R with her first partner from college (15 years earlier) and then found out that the former partner had developed feelings and began to see dear friends very best childhood friend (straight adn coming out of a BAD marriage) who ended their friendship when DF came out to her. In talking to my DF I keep saying, what are the chances this can work considering she was SOOO adamantly against your lifestyle back then? Any thoughts on that? I don't think my ex is going to date the straight girl. I don't think the straight girl is gay and interested in a R...she was just a typical flirt. I think my ex has a "grass is greener" mentality and her feelings for the straight girl made her question her love for me. As for your DF, I would advise her to tread lightly with that situation. Usually straight women are looking for curiosity and then once that is over things fall apart quickly.
travelgirl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I think she is sorry for what she has done - hence the affection - but still is confused. I think the best thing you can do is let her go and let her re-evaluate her life. Maybe with time you can both reconnect but it doesn't seem like asking her to work on things will do either of you any good at this point. I think it would push her away more and it will make you regret your actions. You can always just flat out ask her; what were your intentions with the affection? At least you won't always wonder. Don't sound desperate when you ask but say for you to move forward, you need to separate completely.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I don't think my ex is going to date the straight girl. I don't think the straight girl is gay and interested in a R...she was just a typical flirt. I think my ex has a "grass is greener" mentality and her feelings for the straight girl made her question her love for me. So you think she's looking for newness and the excitment it brings?
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I don't think my ex is going to date the straight girl. I don't think the straight girl is gay and interested in a R...she was just a typical flirt. I think my ex has a "grass is greener" mentality and her feelings for the straight girl made her question her love for me. So you think she's looking for newness and the excitment it brings? You are exactly right. The newness and excitement that comes with the first part of a relationship.
travelgirl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 You are exactly right. The newness and excitement that comes with the first part of a relationship. Well she will never be satisfied with any relationship then - at least after awhile. This is HER problem, not yours.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Well she will never be satisfied with any relationship then - at least after awhile. This is HER problem, not yours. I have thought about that and I'm unsure. I think she will find in the future that all relationships lose some of that initial giddiness and lust that defines your attraction to one another in the beginning. I have decided to not ask about the affection and just focus on getting on with my life and getting our house situation resolved. I cannot worry about whether she will regret this in the future. I am ready for what the future holds and what is out there. I don't know why I have a better sense of clarity today, but it feels good!
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