1 month no contact- and I feel GREAT

[Hurtbunny]

Well, I did it guys - its been a month no contact with the guy I fell in love with. 28 whole days of shutting out the person I thought was the one for me. I didn't think I could go longer than a day at the start. The first 2 weeks were excruciating. He occupied my mind and thoughts about 90% of the time. But this has slowly tailed off now. I barely think about him, when I do I get upset, but it is not on my mind the whole time. I am smiling and laughing and getting on with my life.

 

To anyone wondering whether to stick with it - I won't lie it has been VERY hard, but now I'm even more defiant that I will continue the healing process and move on.

 

I have up and down days and clearly this is a good day for me. The nights are the worst, but I am sure they will improve in time.

 

I'm using exercise to fill the emptiness a little - i recommend everyone on here to get those endorphins going with some mild exercise. Its better than alcohol/other drugs, and trust me you will be needing distractions at the start.

 

It occured to me the longer I haven't heard from him the more I have been able to cement in my mind how much I don't really need him. I have a beautiful life. I suppose finding a partner would be a cherry on the cake. But don't make your partner the CAKE - make your life as full and round as possible so that if it is taken away from you you do not crumble.(hmm, sweet tooth :plol)

 

If he contacts me now I will ignore him. He is out of my life. I have no hope of ever getting back with him. And.. I'm okay with that.

 

To whoever said to use NC as a healing device for yourself, im 100% with you. I didn't do it to get him back, and as it happens he hasn't come crawling back. But it has allowed me to become strong enough to not care whether he does or he doesn't. So.. it DOES work.

 

 

H

x

[Hurtbunny]

Yeah, he dumped me by text message after ignoring me in front of all our mutual friends. Great guy! lol!

 

I agree with you about the break up thing - dumper or dumpee, it can be just as painful. Though weirdly of all the people I have dumped I only really seem to grieve the relationship when they are with someone else.

 

And I'm like should I have dumped him? Oh no, we can never be together! Its as if my mind doesn't register it when I dumped them in the first place. Wheras when I am dumped, i feel all of the pain straight away.

 

Obviously the dumper is going to be NC, because they are the ones who wanted rid of you. lol. Any contact is attention seeking /fishing to see if you're still interested. An ego boost. I would suggest that your gf is sparing your feelings by not getting in touch with you, if she really does think it is over. Anything else is false hope.

 

In the meantime, like me, you should go NC (whether she attempts to get in touch with you or not) And if she doesn't, let go of her for good.

[hereandnow]

Yesterday I sort of turned the tables on that whole "ex gf not wanting to give me false hope" thing. I e-mailed her and told her not to contact me (unless she wanted to try again or was hurt). It felt good to get some power back. No more hanging on to the limited contact thread for me. Too much pain to let someone slowly leak out of your life!

[Hurtbunny]

T Laurence It is comforting to know we have gone through the same thing, and yeah, dumping by text is the lowest of the low.. seriously people, why do it?! I have never felt so disrespected in my whole life.

 

Here and Now that was the wisest thing you could have done. Weirder still... when my ex appeared to be dumping me I said exactly the same thing. Basically told him to delete my number and not to contact me again. In a weird way, even if you are the dumped person, you are retaining that control and taking their power away. They want to be alone? Give it to em, Give it to em good ha ha.

 

As long as you realise that you are going to look like a total chump if you then go ahead and get in touch with them after saying that.

 

Let them come to you. x

[openbook08]

3 times a charm.... curse the text message...after 5years...

1 week is tellin you i love you so much i wont let either of us down

the next...well you know where im going

 

well done hurtbunny by the way , youre playin a blinder

[hereandnow]

I know all about that one week to the next stuff. One week, will you come over every night, the next I need some space. Hahaha. That was a diabolical laugh if you can't tell. Now it's "I don't love you romantically anymore and I don't know how or why."

 

Yeah, texts are evil. They really turn on you. From sweet and amazing to short and cold. I just deleted all of mine right now. Still had a couple from the "good days" on there. No need to hold onto that!

[aiina]

Cheers for your good day then!

Isn't it just great when these days bump into us?

Like you feel right to yourself and feel like smiling just because?

I am proud of each of your NC days Miss.

[SelfCentered]

Awesome! Hope I feel the same after my first month! 3 more weeks to go!

 

Here's to us all moving on!

[electriclove]

Well done hurtbunny! It sounds like you are doing really well at the moment, you're inspirational!

 

The most no contact I have managed is 29 days. Was so proud of myself marking off the days on my little calendar. But then day 30 arrives and it just happens to be on a Sunday, the most miserable day of the week. I was feeling pretty down anyway and got those Sunday night blues. In my warped little brain I thought ringing him would somehow make me feel better. It's weird logic, I know, considering he's the reason I was feeling like that anyway. So I ring him we have a nice little conversation and make small talk. I felt better for like an hour and then realised I had gotten absolute nothing out of ringing him. In fact, I'd just given him a massive ego boost by letting him know that I still cared.

 

I was so angry at myself for getting so far and throwing it all away. But I'm back up on the horse now and on day 9 of NC! Tomorrow I shall celebrate being back into double figures again! Woop!

[stoneymirror]

This is the way I look at it. If they dumped you then just accept it and move on. There's no other choice. They made the decision on their own, and you’re not in any position to change their minds. Let them live without you, that’s what they wanted, so give it to them and move on with your life. It was their loss, and your gained knowledge knowing this person wasn’t right for you. If they have doubts about their decision they’ll go to hell and back to win you back. So let go and realize, no matter what, the future looks bright for you.

 

 

You may ask yourself, why did so-and-so break up with me… Well it’s pretty simple. Most people will run from their fears in hopes of not getting hurt themselves. The dumper was only thinking about themselves when they broke up with you and that’s a pretty good indication they haven’t thought about your best interests at all. That alone should be enough justification to not want to talk to them. Especially if the one who broke up with you hardly gave you the time of day when they ended things.

 

It’s also good to understand that the dumper is usually confused as to what they really want. One minute they want to move in, the next they’re breaking up with you. Obviously there’s some major doubts in these individuals and that should be enough to make you understand that’s not the sort of person you want to be with. There’s no reason you need to be with someone that’s this inconsistent.

 

Here are some general guidelines to help in the healing process:

- Go NC: Every time you try and contact the ex it only makes them realize you’re still available to them. Plus most of the time when you do contact them you don’t get the response you were looking for and then you’re back at square one, trying to accept the fact that it’s over. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t have false hope. Make a real effort here to accept that it’s over and get on with your life. Don’t let this individual use up any more of your time. They already took enough of it from you. Going NC allows you to move forward without having to revisit everything over again. You can’t heal by picking at the scabs.

 

- Get Rid of the Evidence: I personally get rid of everything that reminds me of the ex. This helps prevent me from looking at something and immediately thinking about them and how much I miss them. Save yourself some heartache and get rid of all pictures, notes, etc.

 

- Don’t reminisce about the past: This only brings up sad feelings. Don’t destroy yourself over this. It’s in the past, leave it there. You’ll find someone new to share these same experiences with, trust me.

 

- Don’t blame yourself: No sense in beating yourself up over the “what if’s” Again this is in the past, no changing it now. Realize what you could have done better for the sake of the next relationship, but don’t blame yourself for making mistakes and the relationship ending. It takes two to tango so your ex was just as much to blame as you for the relationship ending. Maybe more...

 

- Catch yourself: You need to catch yourself when you start leading yourself down a destructive thinking channel. It is very important to be aware of how much effort and time you’re spending on these thoughts. Personally I make a mental note whenever I lead myself down these roads. I tell myself I’m only allowed to think about it for x amount of time today and only letting myself z amount tomorrow. Eventually you’ll see yourself thinking less and less of the ex and eventually you’ll get pissed knowing you just spent 15 minutes or whatever worrying about something you don’t have any control over. Be smart and catch it early and stomp it out. Get busy or divert your thinking.

 

Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. We are all prisoners to our own fears, be optimistic and realize things can only get better with each passing day. Either you defeat it, or it defeats you. Keep busy, do all those things you never did when you were in the relationship. Get out, have fun and start dating someone new.

[Hurtbunny]

Excellent posts, I'm getting so much strength from you guys being here, i wish i had discovered this site WAY earlier!

 

The destructive thinking thing resonates with me - at the beginning I absolutely indulged in all the painful memories wheras now i try and divert myself from spending too much time thinking about him. Its hard because 1 thought can spiral into another and before you know it all the bad feelings come back again. Sometimes it is just a case of reminding myself - gently - that he is gone and thinking about him so much will not bring him back!

 

Although I'm on the straight and narrow as it were I am always at risk of being pulled off - a song comes on the radio, a mutual friend asks how we are getting along and I have to explain it ended with us, or a lunch date with a friend and their partner reminds me of what I have lost.

 

At all of these points I try and imagine the man of my dreams in the FUTURE with me. I try and imagine what OUR song will be, and basically remind myself I will be happy again.

 

At the beginning of the grieving period (the time when I had gone a little psycho lol) I wrote a series of letters to express my feelings. Some were addressed to my ex. They were vicious and angry, spiteful and cold.

 

But some I wrote to myself in 5 years time, imagining that I had moved on and had a completely different life. I wrote back to myself as If telling myself I had moved on, and I wrote lovingly and soothingly. I reminded the present me that the future me is SO glad that it happened because now all of these wonderful things have happened. I know it sounds stupid, and imagining it is just the same, but writing the letter and reading the words back really helped me visualise it.

 

You're ALL inspirational and I'd like to thank all of you. Together we can get through this. No contact is without doubt, one of the hardest things I have had to do. But i liken it to ripping off a plaster, do it in one sharp movement, or peel it off little by little causing more pain in the process. Its over. They left you. Whatever you do it is still the same outcome, but at least you can protect your dignity by cutting them out of your life.

 

Every time I was ever dumped i swore that person was the 'one', and to some extent I think the last guy was the one lol:p) But you do, eventually move on, and you do, eventually meet new people.

 

I hope you all meet the person of your dreams who gives you the love and respect you rightly deserve. You show so much care on ths forum you must be pretty decent people. So, heres to us, and enjoying life, not becoming bitter because of the many bad apples, but instead having faith that the right person, will in time, come to know us and love us.

 

AMEN

 

lol

H

xxx

[autumnsweater]

Excellent post, stoneymirror. Just what I needed to hear today! Great to hear you're doing so well now, Hurtbunny (and a fellow Yorkshire resident too!). It really makes me look forward to the future to see people whoa re healing.

 

I've decided to implement NC from Day One (I'm Day Three and counting!) and move straight on with the positive thinking. I'm trying not to dwell too much. I've joined a gym and start drum tuition on Monday. Also planned a weekend break with a friend to Budapest.

 

I feel better already although I do think I'm still shellshocked by the whole thing - it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. Regardless, I need to move on. She was a lovely girl, she broke up with me in the best way she possibly could and didn't mess me about so now what I can do is respect her decision and let her move on. It's tough but there's going to be harder things to deal with in life so I have to get used to it!

[electriclove]

Great post stoneymirror, I'm going to print that off and read it every time I start to cave!

[ConfusedAtHome]

This is the way I look at it. If they dumped you then just accept it and move on. There's no other choice. They made the decision on their own, and you’re not in any position to change their minds. Let them live without you, that’s what they wanted, so give it to them and move on with your life. It was their loss, and your gained knowledge knowing this person wasn’t right for you. If they have doubts about their decision they’ll go to hell and back to win you back. So let go and realize, no matter what, the future looks bright for you.

 

 

You may ask yourself, why did so-and-so break up with me… Well it’s pretty simple. Most people will run from their fears in hopes of not getting hurt themselves. The dumper was only thinking about themselves when they broke up with you and that’s a pretty good indication they haven’t thought about your best interests at all. That alone should be enough justification to not want to talk to them. Especially if the one who broke up with you hardly gave you the time of day when they ended things.

 

It’s also good to understand that the dumper is usually confused as to what they really want. One minute they want to move in, the next they’re breaking up with you. Obviously there’s some major doubts in these individuals and that should be enough to make you understand that’s not the sort of person you want to be with. There’s no reason you need to be with someone that’s this inconsistent.

 

Here are some general guidelines to help in the healing process:

- Go NC: Every time you try and contact the ex it only makes them realize you’re still available to them. Plus most of the time when you do contact them you don’t get the response you were looking for and then you’re back at square one, trying to accept the fact that it’s over. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t have false hope. Make a real effort here to accept that it’s over and get on with your life. Don’t let this individual use up any more of your time. They already took enough of it from you. Going NC allows you to move forward without having to revisit everything over again. You can’t heal by picking at the scabs.

 

- Get Rid of the Evidence: I personally get rid of everything that reminds me of the ex. This helps prevent me from looking at something and immediately thinking about them and how much I miss them. Save yourself some heartache and get rid of all pictures, notes, etc.

 

- Don’t reminisce about the past: This only brings up sad feelings. Don’t destroy yourself over this. It’s in the past, leave it there. You’ll find someone new to share these same experiences with, trust me.

 

- Don’t blame yourself: No sense in beating yourself up over the “what if’s” Again this is in the past, no changing it now. Realize what you could have done better for the sake of the next relationship, but don’t blame yourself for making mistakes and the relationship ending. It takes two to tango so your ex was just as much to blame as you for the relationship ending. Maybe more...

 

- Catch yourself: You need to catch yourself when you start leading yourself down a destructive thinking channel. It is very important to be aware of how much effort and time you’re spending on these thoughts. Personally I make a mental note whenever I lead myself down these roads. I tell myself I’m only allowed to think about it for x amount of time today and only letting myself z amount tomorrow. Eventually you’ll see yourself thinking less and less of the ex and eventually you’ll get pissed knowing you just spent 15 minutes or whatever worrying about something you don’t have any control over. Be smart and catch it early and stomp it out. Get busy or divert your thinking.

 

Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. We are all prisoners to our own fears, be optimistic and realize things can only get better with each passing day. Either you defeat it, or it defeats you. Keep busy, do all those things you never did when you were in the relationship. Get out, have fun and start dating someone new.

 

 

Stoneymirror,

 

You have no idea how much this post has helped me this morning! Very insightful and I will read and re-read it to help me get through this break up.

 

Thanks!

[stoneymirror]

You guys are welcome, and I'm glad I could help. I myself am going through a breakup and thought I'd share with you guys some of the tools I use to move forward.

 

One thing that helped me was to write out a few different letters.

 

The first one I write out basically lists all the great things you had in the relationship. This is really difficult to write considering all you're doing is drawing on the good things from the past. Try and be as detailed and descriptive as possible, but remain totally positive in your letter, really make an effort here, cause this will be the last time you proactively choose to think about all the good memories.

 

The point of this exercise is to use this letter as a metaphor to how you’re moving forward inside your own mind. Store all these great memories on a piece of paper, seal the paper and put it in a place that’s not easily accessible and don’t open it. Tell yourself this is the last time I’m going to really sit down and think about these good memories and now I’m putting them out of my reach and in a location that I’ve reserved not to open. Consistently beating yourself up over old memories on a daily basis is very destructive and it’s best to try and move past these thoughts. Hopefully this exercise will help do that

 

The second letter I write out basically lists all the bad things in the relationship. This helps put things in perspective and is a great tool to use on a daily basis to read over and over again to help you move on. This list should reassure you that this is not the individual you see yourself with and it's time to move on and you deserve better.

 

Also remember you can’t control anything more than your own feelings and actions. So use this time to gauge your own condition, and do what’s necessary to keep yourself moving in the right direction. You won't ever move forward by constantly looking at the past. And remember that life IS a challenge, and that this is just another test of your own character. Defeat your fears or you’ll become a prisoner to them.

 

And who knows what the future holds for you, but I can guarantee you’re not going to be alone, especially if what you want is to be with someone. Trust me there’s someone out there that’ll appreciate you for who you are and will love you unconditionally. Obviously it takes a great deal of work to make relationships work long term, and that individual is out there waiting for you to talk to them and ready to start a life with you. And most importantly don't let your past get in the way of new opportunities. Have fun, get out and meet some new people. Love yourself again and you'll be ready for the next relationship in no time.

[BuschBaby]

For me, no contact has helped me heal the wounds and become stronger, but it has also given me my dignity back. I have dealt with my relationship issues for the last year. I not only allowed myself to start healing, but I said a lot to my ex without having to say anything at all. This is a great saying by an unknown author. I carry this with me when I need to stay strong. It is about No Contact to help yourself:

 

"We want closure, which is never going to come in a way that we want, but we can find closure by 'No Contact'. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused, but they are never going to listen, and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of 'No Contact.' You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words, but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to Hell." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

[Jenny123]

Reading Stoney mirror and Hurt bunny has helped me, that what i'm feeling is normal and i'm not alone. :)Thanks for ur words of wisdom.