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how do you get your ex to understand you were suffering from depression


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Posted

My ex, on sunday texted me out of the blue to say something reminded her of me. Naturally i take this as an 'i miss you, so i'll text you' kinda thing. Therefore i texted back the following day and decided to invite her round on the friday night, but she texted back saying 'you're not trying to get me back are you because it's making me feel uncomfortable' - yeah i admit i have been very persistant since the breakup a month ago - BAD IDEA. All i wanted to do is tell her that i truly was suffering from depression in the last two months of the relationship, and her reason for dumping me was that 'the last two months of the relationship went downhill' and she's so right. I foolishly kept the fact i was quite badly depressed from her and i believed if i would have told her about it, that it would've upset her and jeapordised the relationship because i know how much she loved me and cared for me. Anyway, i texted her to apologize and tell her that there was something important i wanted to tell her in person, so she texted me back, agreeing to meet up sometime. Is it possible she may understand? As i'm on prescription drugs now anyway. I just took the text which indicated she missed me as a hint, and now i want to see her and just explain everything. Maybe she won't consider me again and i'm not getting my hopes up anyway. I'm also gradually getting better now and becoming a better person for myself and it's affecting my relationship with my friends and family, i'm getting along so much better with them all now.

Posted

Hello Jamez

 

I am sorry to read you have been depressed, and I hope you get better soon. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either, and you know that, right?.

 

Reading your message I've got a little idea: what if you switch yourself into a different mood, and just contact your ex when you feel like you can talk to her without wanting her back?

I mean, I do believe you can explain to her that you are feeling depress, but under no circumstance I would suggest to use that as an excuse to get her back.

 

If you meet her, just try to be yourself, and talk to her in the same way you would talk to any other friend. Tell her how you feel about yourself and not about the breaking up. If you relate this to the breakup, she would feel guilty or responsable for something, and she might want to drawn.

 

Focus on you and how you feel, give her time and space to talk as well. If you make her feel confortable by not attacking her or pushing to get back, it would be a good step.

 

all best for you

Posted

I really feel for you and I can relate to your story too.

 

During the last two months of my recent 20 month relationship I was a total wreck. I had never finalized my divorce from my ex-husband and he started in with major nonsense about our kids and finances, and it nearly destroyed me.

 

I had been incredibly happy with the new boyfriend and then I turned into this anxious, needy, sobbing wreck. I too went to medication and therapy, but by then it was too late.

 

My boyfriend's ex had come email/knocking at his door and he had allowed his feelings for her to resurface. He became horribly conflicted in his feelings. I told him to go see his ex since that was what he felt he needed to do. . .

 

Next thing I knew, the best relationship of my life had ended.

 

Life is so horrible sometimes, the way that just when we are experiencing something really terrible -- it gets much worse.

 

My self-pity tells me that this was just not fair to me -- to be attacked by one person and therefore left by another!

 

But this is what happens. People really don't stand by each other for better or for worse, not because they don't want to, but because they can't.

 

So I guess this is what I have learned. Love can only flourish between two strong individuals. I have to learn how to weather the worst things in life with equanimity and aplomb. Only then can I be a good partner.

 

As for you, I agree with the poster above. If your ex senses that you are telling her about your depression to try to get her back, it will likely backfire.

 

I would still meet with her but I would tell her upfront to please believe that you are not telling her this because you expect her to take her back. Then just tell her something like -- you want to apologize for how difficult things were for her the last couple of months and you want to thank her for hanging in there with you as long as she did. Then tell her that you want her to be happy and you hope she finds that.

 

Communicate this:

 

"I'm also gradually getting better now and becoming a better person for myself and it's affecting my relationship with my friends and family, i'm getting along so much better with them all now."

 

In fact, now that I am on a roll here, I think it would be even better if you said something like -- I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship again right now, but I also know that I'm going to be a much stronger and better person a couple of months from now.

 

She seems like she definitely needs more time regardless of what you say, so -- give her the time without pulling at all.

  • Author
Posted
I would still meet with her but I would tell her upfront to please believe that you are not telling her this because you expect her to take her back. Then just tell her something like -- you want to apologize for how difficult things were for her the last couple of months and you want to thank her for hanging in there with you as long as she did. Then tell her that you want her to be happy and you hope she finds that.

 

 

Thanks so much, it's exactly what i intend to do, because it'd be terrible if she were to think i was saying it just as an excuse to get her back and my chances would probably be on the brink of impossible. Basically i just want her to know that it's not in my personality to be the arrogant, offensive, moody idiot i was whilst i was depressed. I really couldn't help it and unhealthily, i felt dependant on her for happiness as i couldn't actually get along with anybody, not my family, not my friends and not even her in actual fact. It was as if i was imprisoned and i couldn't escape this person i really didn't want to be. I just think it's such a tragedy that due to my severe unhappiness, such a beautiful thing was destroyed and now getting her back seems like the hardest thing in the world. I've began to dream of her everynight now where we end up kissing and when i wake up and realise it didn't really happen i feel so bad. I miss her so terribly and to get her back i'd do anything in the world and i know i could make it work this time.

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Jamez

 

I am sorry to read you have been depressed, and I hope you get better soon. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either, and you know that, right?.

 

Reading your message I've got a little idea: what if you switch yourself into a different mood, and just contact your ex when you feel like you can talk to her without wanting her back?

I mean, I do believe you can explain to her that you are feeling depress, but under no circumstance I would suggest to use that as an excuse to get her back.

 

If you meet her, just try to be yourself, and talk to her in the same way you would talk to any other friend. Tell her how you feel about yourself and not about the breaking up. If you relate this to the breakup, she would feel guilty or responsable for something, and she might want to drawn.

 

Focus on you and how you feel, give her time and space to talk as well. If you make her feel confortable by not attacking her or pushing to get back, it would be a good step.

 

all best for you

 

 

Thankyou very much, i really appreciate what you've said and i will take it on board, i may just be being a little impatient, but i'm scared that she'll totally move on from me and find someone else, despite the fact i definately am becoming better now and much more pleasant.

Posted

How long were you two together? If it was a long time and you have only been broken up a couple of months, then I don't think you need to worry too much about her moving on quickly. It would be better, I think, to let her have some unpressured space for awhile than to worry about getting her back right away. That way the events of the last couple of months would lose their hold on her and she would be more likely to remember the good times with you.

 

Really let her know that you are focussing on cleaning up your act right now so that you will be a better person.

 

I feel for you so much because I know that depression is hell on the sufferer. But the sad fact is that it is also hell on the people around us. If we love those people we need to look at things through their eyes and be unselfish about what we expect of them.

 

That's just my take on the whole thing.

Posted

I suffer from Bi-polar 2. Which is extended months of depression, then shifts into a month or so Manic compulsive modes. I didnt get diagnosed til i was 26...i just turned 28. It didnt really start again into about half way into my 3 1/2 year relationship. My G/F new something was wrong. I started out as this cheerful guys, happy and attentive. Then later in the year, i became withdrawn and distant. Then it lead to manic episodes in which i spent money irresponsiably. Also became angry and would lash out. I was afraid to loose her. So i finally got help from a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They evaluated me and put me on meds. I am now in the process of explaing to my ex the bi-polar, and she is slowly starting to understand why i acted the way i did. I suggest giving her some printed information on depression and the symptons. And explain to her its something that people do not ask to have...but what people have to do to get help. Good luck

  • Author
Posted
How long were you two together? If it was a long time and you have only been broken up a couple of months, then I don't think you need to worry too much about her moving on quickly. It would be better, I think, to let her have some unpressured space for awhile than to worry about getting her back right away. That way the events of the last couple of months would lose their hold on her and she would be more likely to remember the good times with you.

 

Really let her know that you are focussing on cleaning up your act right now so that you will be a better person.

 

I feel for you so much because I know that depression is hell on the sufferer. But the sad fact is that it is also hell on the people around us. If we love those people we need to look at things through their eyes and be unselfish about what we expect of them.

 

That's just my take on the whole thing.

 

 

Cheers, Eyeofthoth, i appreciate your concern and i wholly intend to tell her and show her that i am focusing on cleaning up my act, and that i am actually recovering, i can feel it - i no longer get dark, suicidle thoughts anymore. Unfortunately it wasn't just her it affected, like you say it's also hell on those around us - i shouted at my sister all the time making her cry, i told my mum i didn't love her whenever we got into an arguement which was everyday and i never spoke to my dad. I also hated everybody for the littlest reasons. all that's past me now and i've realised just how awful the depression made me. I was with her for a year a really happy one, bar those last two months when i uncontrollably became someone i didn't want to be.

 

I suffer from Bi-polar 2. Which is extended months of depression, then shifts into a month or so Manic compulsive modes. I didnt get diagnosed til i was 26...i just turned 28. It didnt really start again into about half way into my 3 1/2 year relationship. My G/F new something was wrong. I started out as this cheerful guys, happy and attentive. Then later in the year, i became withdrawn and distant. Then it lead to manic episodes in which i spent money irresponsiably. Also became angry and would lash out. I was afraid to loose her. So i finally got help from a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They evaluated me and put me on meds. I am now in the process of explaing to my ex the bi-polar, and she is slowly starting to understand why i acted the way i did. I suggest giving her some printed information on depression and the symptons. And explain to her its something that people do not ask to have...but what people have to do to get help. Good luck

 

thanks Dmoney28, i feel for you, i know it must be really hard and i only wish the best for you. I think maybe she'll understand, as her brother suffers from bipolar i think aswell, or at least some form of depression so she's been used to it her whole life. I just refrained from telling her i was depressed because i didn't want it to upset, or depress her in anyway. I'm not sure whether i should arrange to see her more and prove to her i'm getting better or to just give her space.

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