hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I e-mailed my ex today and told her that for right now I only want to hear from her if she wants to give our relationship a go again or if she's in trouble or hurt. There were some sweet things in there too, but that was the main point. She e-mailed me back (I told her I'd appreciate a reply to the e-mail) and told me again about how she had fallen out of romantic love with me, she still feels we have a strong connection, etc. but that she will give me the distance I want. So, anyway, here I sit, finally over the whole hope of getting back together. It does kind of dig at me, the whole falling out of romantic love thing. The irrational, pessimistic side of me wants me to think that it's because there's something wrong with me, I'm not suited for a long term relationship (we were together 6 months) but I know that's not the truth. Why is it that I want that pessimistic side to win out right now? I suppose it's because I still want her and I don't want to think about other women right now. (That is to say at this moment. Sometimes it actually gives me a mild boost to.) Fell out of romantic love. Garrrrgh that does dig at me. Now I'm just some joe schmoe friend of hers (in her mind). How many of you out there have gotten similar lines? How did you feel? What did you do to cope? How have things turned out for you? It's been 3.5 weeks since we broke up.
Jamez123 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 EXACTLY the same here mate, after a year with someone i adored. I ballsed things up because i was badly depressed and occasionally suicidle but i kept it from her and didn't tell her so therefore it caused me to be someone i didn't want to be, a judgemental moody bastard. So about 2 months ago, she said exactly the same thing to me as what your ex said and that she felt we still had that connection but she'd give me as long as i wanted to get over her. However, on sunday she texted me which clearly indicated that she missed me. So i'm gonna meet up with her tomorrow and tell her everything about how i was completely down but didn't wanna jeapordise our love and upset her by telling her. Anyway i'd say just leave it for a bit and if the relationship was something really special, there's a chance she might miss you, well she definately will, but there's a chance she might contact you, you never know.
Jamez123 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 in addition, i also understand the whole pessimistic thing, i've got the same thing. I want it to all be my fault so i can understand what i did wrong and change for her.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 I'm rooting for you Jamez! Let me know how it turns out. I met with my ex a week ago for lunch. It was way too soon. I mean, it was a good lunch, but just friendly. Tried to ask her out, but no go. I started second guessing myself last night. I didn't get too down about it. Clutching at straws mostly, almost trying to make myself sad. I mean, I even started thinking it might have been the clothes I was wearing! Hahaha. But in reality, I did everything I could to try and make things work when I sensed things slipping little. It was really kind of sudden the way things happened to me. I mean one week she was calling me wanting me to come stay over every night, the next week she only wanted to see me a couple days. What's going on there? It boggles my mind. I suppose the flaw is I'm trying to think my way through matters of the heart. Who else out there has gotten this falling out of love thing?
CaliGuy Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if she indeed fell out of romantic love with you then you can pretty much give up any hope of a reconciliation. There's just no way to make someone be romantically in love with you. They either feel that way or they don't. Be glad that she was honest with you so that you don't sit around waiting for her feelings to change. I can say from my own experience they most likely will not. The very best thing you can do, and what is in your best interest, is to pick up the pieces and move on. Someone else out there DOES love you romantically, you just haven't met her yet. And you never will if you're sitting around pining over someone who doesn't want to be with you… Cheers
autumnsweater Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 That's pretty much what happened to me. All the signs were there over the last couple of months but I just didn't notice. It felt like we were growing apart and she even tried bringing up a couple of times that she felt we weren't communicating properly and it made her feel like we weren't as close. I didn't take it anywhere near as seriously as I should have. We still had fun together, I still made her laugh, we weren't having major arguments but it definitely got stale. Don't know whether this was down to us doing the long distance thing for too long or what. I do find it curious that a week before she did it she was asking me to move in with her but I guess it was just her struggling with the situation in her mind. Also, I hate to admit this, but it got to the point where we were only having sexual contact once a weekend (we saw each other every two weekends) and her interest defintiely waned. Often, it seemed, she was only keen when she was drunk. I think I made the fundamental error of just assuming she would stay attracted to me just because it was me (arrogance, basically) and I stopped making an actual effort to try and keep her interested. I am gutted that she doesn't want to give it a second chance. I really believe that we could make it work again. But she's made her decision and I have to live with it.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thanks for the straight shooting CG. I could tell from some of your other posts that you're familiar with this scenario. The more time passes, the easier it's been to see things from an objective perspective. I'm still grieving the relationship, but I see more of the reasons why we wouldn't work long term and not just the reasons why we would. Hard to make that turn, but it's happening naturally.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Sorry to hear that autumns. I had the same thing happen with the sex. She didn't want to as much, but I just figured that was natural. For almost the whole relationship we were all over each other, pretty much everytime we met. Every day for periods of time. I figured, well, the honeymoon's over, but then other things started happening too. Damn, this just seems to be the way it goes with a lot of women. I'm wishing you the best man.
alwayssme Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I e-mailed my ex today and told her that for right now I only want to hear from her if she wants to give our relationship a go again or if she's in trouble or hurt. There were some sweet things in there too, but that was the main point. She e-mailed me back (I told her I'd appreciate a reply to the e-mail) and told me again about how she had fallen out of romantic love with me, she still feels we have a strong connection, etc. but that she will give me the distance I want. So, anyway, here I sit, finally over the whole hope of getting back together. It does kind of dig at me, the whole falling out of romantic love thing. The irrational, pessimistic side of me wants me to think that it's because there's something wrong with me, I'm not suited for a long term relationship (we were together 6 months) but I know that's not the truth. Why is it that I want that pessimistic side to win out right now? I suppose it's because I still want her and I don't want to think about other women right now. (That is to say at this moment. Sometimes it actually gives me a mild boost to.) Fell out of romantic love. Garrrrgh that does dig at me. Now I'm just some joe schmoe friend of hers (in her mind). How many of you out there have gotten similar lines? How did you feel? What did you do to cope? How have things turned out for you? It's been 3.5 weeks since we broke up. I was with my ex for two years and within these two years, he was the one who was always persuing me..everyone including me and him thought that if anyone was going to get our heartbreaken between us two, it would have been him. I used to be the one who had more power and he always said that he was deeply in love with me, always there for me, basically everything I ever wanted. If there was one person that I thought I could count on for the rest of my life, it was him. Then one random day he tells me he is not in love with me anymore and that he wants us to be friends. It was extremely hurtful. After that I tried to maintain contact or see if it was just a stage he was going through. (How could he possible not love me anymore?) I couldn't believe it. But after all it was true. He lost feelings for me, I have no idea why. It still hurts me and it has been three months. But I have accepted it now. We hardly talk anymore as he wants to go his own way. It is one of the worst feelings ever, to hear the person you were with for two years, who gave you so much love and who you love with all your heart, come one day and tell you they don't love you anymore. This is the ugly side of love and life...and it sucks but hopefully someday we will find the right person who will make us happy and not leave us!!
movingonandon Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 heh, that line again, and it really pisses me off with its stupidity and/or immaturity. If there's a place for gender stereotypes, it is this particular line --> i wouldn't be surprised if 90% of the time it is uttered by women. Most men just don't think like that. Every relationship is bound to go through honeymoon period and then transition into mellower, but deeper, "adult" if you will, love. Bailing out the second you begin to doubt your "romantic" feelings is stupid, and only dooms you to repeat the same scenario over and over again, until one day you wake up and realize that you've become a bitter old maid. Dwelling on the concept of romantic love simly means that you refuse to put fair share of work in the relaitonship and expect somebody to satisfy all of your need. It is perfectly possible to maintain romanting feeling forever, but there is one little detail: it requires mutual, consistent effort.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 I told my ex exactly what you said when she was breaking up with me. I asked her didn't she think that romantic love is something that takes work to last? Oh well. I'm with you on the stereotype thing. I haven't been on the dumper side before, but I think I would go with something like "This relationship isn't working for me. I'm sorry, but it's over." Boom. Done. Nothing to sit and ponder over for months!
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I told my ex exactly what you said when she was breaking up with me. I asked her didn't she think that romantic love is something that takes work to last? Oh well. I'm with you on the stereotype thing. I haven't been on the dumper side before, but I think I would go with something like "This relationship isn't working for me. I'm sorry, but it's over." Boom. Done. Nothing to sit and ponder over for months! Don't you think she'd wonder what 'wasn't working' for you. Pretty much anything anyone says is going to make you sit and think...
Ingenue Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 If it makes you feel better, I got the same line, different phraseology. After five years, my ex told me he "thought the spark had died". There's not much to be done with that if the other person doesn't feel the relationship is worth working on and doesn't realise that it's unrealistic to expect romance to be some hallmark constant sparking, oh my gosh, fireworks going through tunnels every day for the rest of your life, type of relationship. The only difference with my ex was that he told me that maybe he'd like to hook up again if he can't find anything better. There may be something out there, there may not be. But we should all count ourselves lucky that we didn't end up with people who can't stand to be with us in a romantic sense. We're all better than being somebody's sloppy seconds that they're forced to settle with because they can't find anything better.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Amen to that ingenue! And Nikki, you're right about the fact that she'd still wonder. She would probably ask me right then and there. Guess I'm just throwin stuff out there, sorting through it. It's amazing how much LS can help. I'm really glad I found this place. I don't know what I'd be thinking or doing right now without the benefit of your experiences and the opportunity to bounce my ideas and feelings off of others in the same boat. Still up and down for me today. I've been spending a lot of the last few days in the Barnes and Noble bookstore just sitting, drinking coffee and reading. It helps some to escape. Probably hit it up later today. Thanks for all the advice/experience. Keep it coming!
alwayssme Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 If it makes you feel better, I got the same line, different phraseology. After five years, my ex told me he "thought the spark had died". There's not much to be done with that if the other person doesn't feel the relationship is worth working on and doesn't realise that it's unrealistic to expect romance to be some hallmark constant sparking, oh my gosh, fireworks going through tunnels every day for the rest of your life, type of relationship. The only difference with my ex was that he told me that maybe he'd like to hook up again if he can't find anything better. There may be something out there, there may not be. But we should all count ourselves lucky that we didn't end up with people who can't stand to be with us in a romantic sense. We're all better than being somebody's sloppy seconds that they're forced to settle with because they can't find anything better. haha this made me laugh. cheered me up. You're right, but it was their choice to walk out and not work on this "spark". I felt the spark wasgone sometimes with my ex, but I sticked around and it came back. Every relationship has its ups and downs and they chose to NOT be with us because they simply don't want to. My ex lost "the spark" too but says he is very attracted to me. I got to thinking isn't the attraction the spark? Eh...who knows? Someday we'll find love again.
Ingenue Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 haha this made me laugh. cheered me up. You're right, but it was their choice to walk out and not work on this "spark". I felt the spark wasgone sometimes with my ex, but I sticked around and it came back. Every relationship has its ups and downs and they chose to NOT be with us because they simply don't want to. My ex lost "the spark" too but says he is very attracted to me. I got to thinking isn't the attraction the spark? Eh...who knows? Someday we'll find love again. Yah, I almost sometimes think it may be better if the ex had said something prior to that fateful morning when I opened my email at work. It was like I had been kicked in the crotch with steel toed shoes and then had my nose broken all at once. Nothing says dignity and grace in the office place like getting a "you've been dumped" email at work. As for sparking, yes you're absolutely right that they chose to leave instead of articulating and working on things. I'm not sure what's worse in my case, that my ex indirectly told me he, "hey girl, we got less chemistry than two dead fish on a hot plate" or "hey girl, even though we got less chemistry than two dead fish on a hot plate, if I can't find anything better, I'll be coming back to that good ole' thing called a relationship." Nothing says a boost to the self-esteem than being told directly that you're nothing better than second best.
Author hereandnow Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 I love the way you phrased that post. I feel pretty much the same way. At one point my ex told me she wanted to keep things "open" between us, meaning "hey, you never know." This was also when she said she was open to seeing other people. So, that was my first demotion, down to a possible date among dates, now I've been demoted to a friend among friends. Honestly, I don't think my ex is out there dating a bunch of men or anything like that, and she's really not a bad person, she's a beautiful person, but when someone hurts you it just gets weird. I don't have to tell you that.
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