melissa123 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Argh am having one of those days where I feel its all my fault again I cant sleep and I cant eat again. I had everything I ever wanted with this guy and now I have nothing I keep thinking that its my fault for pressuring him to much to come and see me I just couldn't get anything right :mad: When we were together in the same city once for a week it took him 3 days to come and see me, of course I got upset, but I feel like its all my fault for pressuring him to come and see me Before I went down to that city I hadnt heard from him in 3 days so was already edgy. Another time he was supposed to come up to my home city for a week, the day before he cancelled because work wouldn't let him go, I got really upset over that also, mainly because he wouldnt talk to me, it took me about 3 attemps to find out if he was actually still coming or not I tried to talk and reach a solution, I said I could come down the next weekend, but he said no he was to busy, So I asked about the weekend after that, again he said he was to busy. Both times I got upset, I guess I felt a bit neglected that I was trying so hard to see him with no results. I keep thinking that its all my fault for pressuring him to see me so much Maybe he needs his space or something I dont know but I just felt so dam hurt when he wouldn't make any effort to see me. I understand he is busy but so was I and I always made an effort. He backed right off about a month and a half ago and stopped saying things like 'i miss you' or 'I love you'. He stopped asking about me entirely and barely talked. I knew something was wrong so I tried and tried EVERYTHING to make it right. I threw as many encouragments and compliments at him as possible, but he ignored them all or gave one word answers. I got upset and angry as I couldn't work out what was going on with him, then he would turn round and blame me for getting angry at him Yes I know he checked out of the relationship, but everytime I tried to 'talk' he would beg and be all sweet again!!! Im scared this is all my fault, I probably scared him away :mad: I loved him so much but got so hurt when he didn't make any efforts. Eventually I got sick of trying so took loveshacks advice and backed right off, resulting in a one word conversation once a week. I was devastated. I feel awful right now What do I do? Im doing NC but he keeps txtn my friends and sounding really happy etc. Never asks about me. I feel I just cant get anything right My first love dumped me for not giving enough affection and attention to him and the ssecond one dumps me for giving to much. I feel like a failure. Anyway sorry to post again My head is all over the place! Im not really looking for replies, just venting as im so confused and hurt. If you do reply, plz dont tell me he never really loved me and checked out of the realtionship a while ago, its just guna hurt me:mad: I need encouragement if anything
Island Girl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Argh am having one of those days where I feel its all my fault again I cant sleep and I cant eat again. I had everything I ever wanted with this guy and now I have nothing I am so sorry you are feeling down. But really -- really -- he WASN'T everything you have always wanted. You weren't supported. You weren't cared for. And you deserve that. You deserve to be loved the same way you can love someone else. You have EVERYTHING. I do not mean that in a condescending way at all. But you do have the world at your feet. Now your destiny is limitless! You could move to Paris or St.Thomas - wherever or whatever. With no thought of anyone else's happiness but your own. You can really think about what you are looking for in a life mate and then go out there and get it. I keep thinking that its my fault for pressuring him to much to come and see me I just couldn't get anything right :mad: Be realistic. You didn't overpressure him to see you! You weren't even able to get him to send a text that said "Good Luck" when you had 2 job interviews that day!! (How'd those go BTW?) Your expectations as far as a relationship were far below the norm. You lowered your standards for this guy - you put up with being treated like an afterthought. THAT is a problem. And that is something you get to work on now so this NEVER EVER Happens to you again. This "guy" - this "I can't be bothered pathetic loser" became so important that you lost yourself. You lost your standards, you lost your expectations, you even lost sight of the definition of a relationship. When we were together in the same city once for a week it took him 3 days to come and see me, of course I got upset, but I feel like its all my fault for pressuring him to come and see me Before I went down to that city I hadnt heard from him in 3 days so was already edgy. When the event bolded happened - that should have been you ending it. Yet you became a beggar for his attention. Willing to accomodate HIM because he is --- who again....? Just some normal random guy and there are PLENTY of those sweetie. Really. You deserve someone GREAT. Someone who is waiting and wanting to see you! Now I do not mean a doormat - or a push over. I mean a real man with respect and who treats you right but one that does not stop his world for you either. They ARE out there. Those are the ones you hold onto. Losers like your ex are PLENTIFUL. Another time he was supposed to come up to my home city for a week, the day before he cancelled because work wouldn't let him go, I got really upset over that also, mainly because he wouldnt talk to me, it took me about 3 attemps to find out if he was actually still coming or not Again, total lack of respect for you. What a moron. And again -- that should have been the "it's over" time. I tried to talk and reach a solution, I said I could come down the next weekend, but he said no he was to busy, So I asked about the weekend after that, again he said he was to busy. Both times I got upset, I guess I felt a bit neglected that I was trying so hard to see him with no results. You felt unimportant and neglected and you were. By then you weren't a girlfriend anymore you were the person he makes excuses to. Don't ever do that to yourself again. If a man EVER says he can't make it and that is too busy. Say "oh that is too bad." and hang up. Let him do the scrambling to make it up to you or figure it out. I keep thinking that its all my fault for pressuring him to see me so much Maybe he needs his space or something I dont know but I just felt so dam hurt when he wouldn't make any effort to see me. I understand he is busy but so was I and I always made an effort. There are ways to treat people and he did not ven treat you with the common decency you'd show an aquaintance let alone a GIRLFRIEND. Who cares what he needed --- make no mistake he has been taking care of whatever he needed ---- HE DID NOT TAKE CARE OF YOU. AZZHOLE. He backed right off about a month and a half ago and stopped saying things like 'i miss you' or 'I love you'. He stopped asking about me entirely and barely talked. I knew something was wrong so I tried and tried EVERYTHING to make it right. I threw as many encouragments and compliments at him as possible, but he ignored them all or gave one word answers. I got upset and angry as I couldn't work out what was going on with him, then he would turn round and blame me for getting angry at him melissa123 I know --- I know --- I am sorry but you started letting him take advantage of you, make excuses to you, and treat you VERY badly quite some time ago. I hope you learn from this and never let it happen again. Yes I know he checked out of the relationship, but everytime I tried to 'talk' he would beg and be all sweet again!!! That is just because he wanted you there in case he needed you. But not at the cost of having to carte about you or maintain the relationship. Relationships ARE work. He wanted you just to be there when he wanted you to give him encouragement, etc. but he didn't care if you got anything back. Im scared this is all my fault, I probably scared him away :mad: I loved him so much but got so hurt when he didn't make any efforts. Eventually I got sick of trying so took loveshacks advice and backed right off, resulting in a one word conversation once a week. I was devastated. Sorry hun but some of the blame does lie with you. Not that he is a careless ass who only thinks of himself and is a selfish scum loser, but the part where you should have stood up for yourself and how you deserve to be treated. THAT should have happened LONG ago. I do not care WHO it is -- no one ever gets to treat you like you are second, or further down on the totempole -- you know what I am saying. Men will treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. I feel awful right now What do I do? Im doing NC but he keeps txtn my friends and sounding really happy etc. Never asks about me. You do NC with him. Pull in your GOOD girlfriends - tell them you need to lean on them. Write and write and write even if it doesn't make sense -- then burn the pages (it's cathartic) ------ what do you mean "never asks about me"? I HOPE YOU DO NOT MEAN HE DOESN'T ASK ABOUT YOU. Do not ask about him. Do not ask what he is doing or if he is asking. Do not go to his MySpace or Facebook ---- he is dead to you. If someone mentions his name quickly change the subject. Believe me it is for the best. I feel I just cant get anything right My first love dumped me for not giving enough affection and attention to him and the ssecond one dumps me for giving to much. No sweetie. You lost yourself in the relationship. It became everything to you and you got more and more desperate to hold on because you knew he was letting go. If someone wants to let go -- go ahead and let go too. I feel like a failure. You are just learning. Relationships can be complicated. Anyway sorry to post again My head is all over the place! Im not really looking for replies, just venting as im so confused and hurt. If you do reply, plz dont tell me he never really loved me and checked out of the realtionship a while ago, its just guna hurt me:mad: I need encouragement if anything post here as much as you want. That is what LS is here for.
L-FUZZ Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Island girl.. i had to read this post mainly because i saw you had written here..i hadn't seen you write in awhile and remember reading your posts a couple years back... you always had the most insightful honestly caring yet can be brutel truthful things to say,, and i just wanted to say ... damn things havent changed... that was an amazing break down of the situation at hand .. Melissa123 .. sorry you are hurting,,,lots of us feel guilty about our relationships not working,,, but you have to know that it is not what it seem's to be ... most the time you are just reacting to what the other person is not giving you to make you happy in that relationship,, therefore making you feel insecure..and because of that we tend to do all that we can to make it better ,, when really if we werent so insecure we would have just have had the balls to check out the minute we werent satisfied in the relationship...(that is to say after communicating yours needs and how to resolve any issues) Island Girl just gave you solid advice about your situation(even if we dont know all the details),, and as hard as it is to swallow ,,, we all could follow this advice and or learn from it... why are relatonships so complicated...?? thats my guestion,,, if you love each other why then is it so hard to keep it on a even balance... ??? i always felt love is really about timing ... is this coming true? anyone have that answer?
Island Girl Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Island girl.. i had to read this post mainly because i saw you had written here..i hadn't seen you write in awhile and remember reading your posts a couple years back... you always had the most insightful honestly caring yet can be brutel truthful things to say,, and i just wanted to say ... damn things havent changed... that was an amazing break down of the situation at hand .. Thank you L-FUZZ. It's true I hadn't been here in a while. You too can not get PM messages. Maybe that is the way you want it. But I had tried to say thanks for your kind words privately - so as not to threadjack -- Melissa123 .. sorry you are hurting,,,lots of us feel guilty about our relationships not working,,, but you have to know that it is not what it seem's to be ... most the time you are just reacting to what the other person is not giving you to make you happy in that relationship,, therefore making you feel insecure..and because of that we tend to do all that we can to make it better ,, when really if we werent so insecure we would have just have had the balls to check out the minute we werent satisfied in the relationship...(that is to say after communicating yours needs and how to resolve any issues) I could not agree more. This is my point. Once you communicate your needs, they should be important and addressed by the other person. If they aren't then it is time to examine if that is the right relationship for you or not instead of trying harder and harder or lowering your expectations to still stay. Some relationships end up working out - and working out better because of an episode where needs are communicated, ignored, and then there is a brief period where it is over. Sometimes it does shock the other into the fact that this is a relationship meaning there are 2 people who CHOOSE to be in it. But the "walk away" should never be a ploy and the person ending the relationship should be able to accept that if there is no second chance. why are relatonships so complicated...?? thats my guestion,,, if you love each other why then is it so hard to keep it on a even balance... ??? i always felt love is really about timing ... is this coming true? anyone have that answer? The answer is in the question. "If you love each other". All too often one is still in love and the other has let go - or there are two (or one) who don't know how to love, etc.
Author melissa123 Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Hey Island girl Thanks for your replies, they are great. I understand that maybe it was my fault for not ending things sooner, but im human, I have massive feelings for him so it wasn't easy. I kept holding onto the hope that he would return to his normal self. I didn't want to give up so easily. I thought I had found a good thing for once and was determined to hold onto it:mad: Im still really really missing him. I wake up thinking of him and go to bed with him on my mind. I try not to but I just cant seem to fight it. I seceretly still check my phone in the hope he has called or txtd me. It may sound silly but I really really miss him. I just read a post where the ex got back in contact and said they wanted to get back together, it made me so sad that my ex hasn't/wouldn't do that for me. Guess there isn't much more I can do but wander round feeling misrable all day. I haven't contacted him since and don't intend to but that doesn't mean that I dont hold out hope for him to contact me. I miss his friendship alot aswell. He was my closest male friend until this happened. Now I feel really alone Thanks again for your replies! Really appreciate it!
Island Girl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I understand that maybe it was my fault for not ending things sooner, but im human, I have massive feelings for him so it wasn't easy. I kept holding onto the hope that he would return to his normal self. I didn't want to give up so easily. I thought I had found a good thing for once and was determined to hold onto it:mad: Give yourself some credit -- it is not like you found a perfect sports car. I mean you fell in love with a living organism that changes and evolves. We all do -- but when we are in a loving committed relationship we take the other person into account. How the other is feeling or what the other is doing is taken into consideration. It doesn't mean it isn't out there or doesn't exist. It does mean you have to learn where your line is as far as what is giving and what is being taken advantage of. Im still really really missing him. I wake up thinking of him and go to bed with him on my mind. I try not to but I just cant seem to fight it. I seceretly still check my phone in the hope he has called or txtd me. It may sound silly but I really really miss him. I just read a post where the ex got back in contact and said they wanted to get back together, it made me so sad that my ex hasn't/wouldn't do that for me. I know. But you don't miss him. You miss the man you wished he would be. All of the dreams you thought would be. The man you saw when you looked past all of the red flags, put your needs aside, and saw only the good. That is who you miss. In reality he is the man that left you holding a big bag of debt, years of taking advantage of you, who can not be a role model for his children, and who will betray any woman to get what he wants. Guess there isn't much more I can do but wander round feeling misrable all day. I haven't contacted him since and don't intend to but that doesn't mean that I dont hold out hope for him to contact me. I miss his friendship alot aswell. He was my closest male friend until this happened. Now I feel really alone A friend would mean reciprocal as well. To me he wasn't much of a friend at all. But you do have good girl friends as well right? And you really aren't alone. Now you have room in your life for someone who will actually fulfill your needs. In the meantime you can pamper yourself and have a lot of YOU time. Wine is good --- in a hot bath -- and I know I keep saying that but it works wonders! Especially with endless hot water and clean sheets...you'll get a really good night's sleep and that always helps too!
L-FUZZ Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Island girl thanks again:),,, also.. how do i get this PM to work for me? tried to figure it out but ,,not sure how? do you have to have posted so many times? Also one more guestion here for you you said "Some relationships end up working out - and working out better because of an episode where needs are communicated, ignored, and then there is a brief period where it is over. Sometimes it does shock the other into the fact that this is a relationship meaning there are 2 people who CHOOSE to be in it. But the "walk away" should never be a ploy and the person ending the relationship should be able to accept that if there is no second chance." I was wondering, did you mean that when the dumper makes the decission to walk away, they should know it means there most likely is no second chance ?.. unless one or the other changes there mind and work it out.. then there is a chance? i guess could you clearify that for me..
BCCA Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Island girl thanks again:),,, also.. how do i get this PM to work for me? tried to figure it out but ,,not sure how? do you have to have posted so many times? Also one more guestion here for you you said "Some relationships end up working out - and working out better because of an episode where needs are communicated, ignored, and then there is a brief period where it is over. Sometimes it does shock the other into the fact that this is a relationship meaning there are 2 people who CHOOSE to be in it. But the "walk away" should never be a ploy and the person ending the relationship should be able to accept that if there is no second chance." I was wondering, did you mean that when the dumper makes the decission to walk away, they should know it means there most likely is no second chance ?.. unless one or the other changes there mind and work it out.. then there is a chance? i guess could you clearify that for me.. I think what she was trying to say is that when a relationship ends, you should assume its permanent. Dont use a breakup as a means of manipulating the other person into listening or changing, because it could backfire. Once you chose to walk away, dont expect to be welcomed back.
L-FUZZ Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 thanks,, yeah i wasnt sure sure,, but that is what i figured... i also dont know exactly know what i was getting at myself.. ha ha! but that sometime i feel people breakup with out thinking rashonly and that it should mean forever.. but i think alot times the dumper regrets it...especially after sometime away and out dating again and realize the grass aint so green afterall.. i guess thou thats the payback for dumping someone who loved them so much. do you happen to know how to make this PM thing work??
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