what is normal

[Peter_pan]

cant sleep again.

anyway was wanting to ask people is it normal never to have contact with them again? (after a long term relationship and living with one another for over a year nearly 2), if they left you...

 

...or to hear from them again? also if she went out with him right away, and its now been nearly a year, how long does a rebound relationship last? i mean i must be one unlucky person for her to go off with someone new and for her STILL to be with them? surely? that cant be normal, it must be rare.

 

basically i have done well with nc, 7 months or more now. and ive not directly heard a peep from her. She has recently been speaking to my sister through bebo etc and is talking to her like i never existed.

 

i am thinking about breaking nc just to let her no i still exist, and i think it was dry that she did what she did to me after all that time together.

 

im not going to beg her back or anything of that nature. i know my life just isnt with her up there right now in this point in time,

 

since she has been with him for ages now i dont think i should interfere with her re with him but then if it ends with him and i then contact her, she will be hurt from that not what we had.

 

i dont no how i feel really, i miss her and her family. a part of me wants to speak with her and get out how i feel about they way she did everything and how she hasnt spoke to me since....

i also want to say, so you love him now do you>? i mean you must, its been ages. but im glad ur happy, i dont want to be with you anymore, i just miss the person you used to be.

 

i read somewhere you should act in a way that the ex wouldn't expect.

i mean i dont care she isnt with me anymore its not that, its just that she went straight out with him and is happy living her life with him and didnt turn a blind eye to me again... its that that eats me up. its that she didnt come back and isnt planning it.

 

what can i do?

 

sorry to post again, and bear with me. im having a hard time again.

 

i want to be happy again and the advice on here has been amazing and couldnt put a price on it.

 

i know i always seem to edge to want to contact her again, and part of me says i should, it wants me to. but my head knows its going to be painful.

 

but then maybe thats what i need, one more time of her being a bitch to me one more time of knowing from her she dosnt give a crap. maybe that for me will be the final nail in the coffin.

 

i have visions of burning her stuff she gave me over the years, cards, letters, toys, clothes etc

 

but in my vision i am doing it and im really angry and crying at the same time.

 

 

i think this wednesday i am going to call a professional relationship phycologist. as i have private health care which will cover up to a £1000.

 

also thinking of taking up kickboxing.

 

relationships suck dont they

[roghornio]

Please don't contact her - you will only put yourself back months.

This is a hard one to swallow, but if she isn't contacting you then it's because she doesn't want to. I remember you saying this was your first relationship - we'll i'll give you an insight into what happens when you've been in more than one relationship... Remember what it felt like when you first met her and she was the center of your world, and nothing or nobody else mattered - well that's how she feels about him - that's why she's not in touch anymore... because she doesn't feel like that about you anymore - Sure she might look back with fond memories of you and things you did - but they are just memories and her heart is obviously with someone else.

 

Getting in touch with her if you were 100% over her to say hi how are you is probably ok, but getting in touch with her after so long to tell her you still have feelings for her is verging on the lines of weirdness - i'm sure there are lots of people who feel like this inside months after relationships fail, but acting out on it will only make you look slightly pathetic - i'm sorry, it sounds harsh...

 

You don't need counseling trust me - the skeleton in my closet is it took me 4 years to get over one of my exes - 4 bloody years all because i did what you're doing to yourself. Even in that time i dated a couple girls one for 8 months, and all of them failed because i just refused to let go inside - yeah i would still meet up with her, and we spoke every other day for almost 3 years after we split up - it;s embarrassing looking back on it all actually. I got over her by accepting the truth , and that hurt a hell of a lot, but when i stopped chasing her, and measuring everyone else up to her i met an amazing girl, unfortunately she is the reason why i'm here but that's a different story

 

Anyway - We all know it's painful, and we all know what it's like but you are only holding yourself back - she has nothing to do with how you feel or the situation you are in... You are.

 

Do anything to stop yourself thinking of her when she pops into your head. I used to yell NO or STOP or something at myself in my head of course, whenever i had thoughts of ex - but then - and this is really stupid i imagened a room in my head where i put all the memories i had of her. I closed the door to it, locked it and there was a letter box, whenever i had a memory or thought i imagined posting it through the letterbox into that room. Sounds ridiculous reading that back, but it worked really well... and no i'm not crazy. Try it.

[EmperorR]

you think you have bad luck?

My ex of three years cheated on me on a trip I paid for so she could see her sick grandparents. Then she met a guy and screwed him three times just in a week, then she came back dumped me continued texting and calling the guy she screwed we were on a couples plan, then she met a new guy on her first day back at school and now there in a relationship and oh ya she's going back next year to see the guy she cheated on me with. And with a essay I wrote she got a scholaship.

 

Now that's bad luck

[foxh1234]

you think you have bad luck?

My ex of three years cheated on me on a trip I paid for so she could see her sick grandparents. Then she met a guy and screwed him three times just in a week, then she came back dumped me continued texting and calling the guy she screwed we were on a couples plan, then she met a new guy on her first day back at school and now there in a relationship and oh ya she's going back next year to see the guy she cheated on me with. And with a essay I wrote she got a scholaship.

 

Now that's bad luck

 

Your right man, that is really bad luck. I don't know what else to say except it has to get better after that. Good luck man.

[Peter_pan]

yep, nuffin i can do i guess.

 

seems like she was going to make contact otherwise why get my mobile number from my mate, whatever reason she didnt, thats in the past. once again.

 

she said she cared about me the last time i called which was when she told me they were going out. somehow i find that hard to believe. she never gave a toss. not to treat me like that.

 

i ****in hate her.

 

peoples verdict on askin my mate if she said she missed me, or anything along those lines, or if he spoke to her since?

 

also no contact helped her move on. probably more so than me, since i was the one left behind pinning for her. so maybe because i went nc she thought it would be wrong or to hard to break it, even if she wasnt with him...grr

 

so mad at me. i did everything wrong by how it turned out for me.

[Peter_pan]

its to late to fold and break nc, its to weird and pathetic as some have said.

 

she has moved on and is happily ever after with the guy she ditched me for.

i give up. i tried to reach out but got nothing. maybe i played my cards wrong.

 

looks like i am in that situation where the couple never get back or talk or see one another again.

 

bless

[foxh1234]

its to late to fold and break nc, its to weird and pathetic as some have said.

 

she has moved on and is happily ever after with the guy she ditched me for.

i give up. i tried to reach out but got nothing. maybe i played my cards wrong.

 

looks like i am in that situation where the couple never get back or talk or see one another again.

 

bless

 

Hi PP, I am so sorry that you still feel so bad buddy. I have read all your posts and my heart does go out to you. I was in the same boat but I choose to crawl out of the hole I was in and start healing and feeling better. You can do this too man, you just have to let yourself move on. There are alot fo things that we can change in this world but one thing we can never change is the past. Whatever you or I did in the past is gone and cannot be changed. You have to stop living back there and put the past where it belongs, behind you.

 

You are a smart guy and you are stronger than this, stop the what if crap and accept what has happened. It is really hard, I'll give you that, but you will stay in this funk until you allow yourself to fully accept things and stop thinking about her. I was with my ex for over 8 years and lived together for 6+ years. Losing her to another guy was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but she is gone, I have to move on. Staying home thinking about the great times with her and wondering what she is doing and who she is with does me no good. It hurts me and depresses me. I choose to put her out of my mind and concentrate on me and my life.

 

Both of our ex's chose to leave us, we have no choice but to accept it. If yours does ever contact you or want you back, she will find you and tell you. Until then, you are wasting time that could be spent healing and living your life. I say this to you for the last time my friend, please stop living in the past and start to heal yourself and get out of this spiral of thoughts about the past. Only you can do it and all the people in the world cannot make you do it. I just hate to see you wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve your thoughts or time. Take care buddy, no more lectures from me, I promise.

[Peter_pan]

Hi PP, I am so sorry that you still feel so bad buddy. I have read all your posts and my heart does go out to you. I was in the same boat but I choose to crawl out of the hole I was in and start healing and feeling better. You can do this too man, you just have to let yourself move on. There are alot fo things that we can change in this world but one thing we can never change is the past. Whatever you or I did in the past is gone and cannot be changed. You have to stop living back there and put the past where it belongs, behind you.

 

You are a smart guy and you are stronger than this, stop the what if crap and accept what has happened. It is really hard, I'll give you that, but you will stay in this funk until you allow yourself to fully accept things and stop thinking about her. I was with my ex for over 8 years and lived together for 6+ years. Losing her to another guy was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but she is gone, I have to move on. Staying home thinking about the great times with her and wondering what she is doing and who she is with does me no good. It hurts me and depresses me. I choose to put her out of my mind and concentrate on me and my life.

 

Both of our ex's chose to leave us, we have no choice but to accept it. If yours does ever contact you or want you back, she will find you and tell you. Until then, you are wasting time that could be spent healing and living your life. I say this to you for the last time my friend, please stop living in the past and start to heal yourself and get out of this spiral of thoughts about the past. Only you can do it and all the people in the world cannot make you do it. I just hate to see you wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve your thoughts or time. Take care buddy, no more lectures from me, I promise.

 

 

thanks mate you are an amazing being !

 

i am going to do as you have said now, the regret of my past is hard to swallow and how i was with her but thats the past and cannot be changed . thats all i can do is to live my life. im sorry about your situation to matey:(.

[foxh1234]

thanks mate you are an amazing being !

 

i am going to do as you have said now, the regret of my past is hard to swallow and how i was with her but thats the past and cannot be changed . thats all i can do is to live my life. im sorry about your situation to matey:(.

 

Thanks man, you can do this!!

[roghornio]

its to late to fold and break nc, its to weird and pathetic as some have said.

 

she has moved on and is happily ever after with the guy she ditched me for.

i give up. i tried to reach out but got nothing. maybe i played my cards wrong.

 

looks like i am in that situation where the couple never get back or talk or see one another again.

 

bless

 

I would like to add too:

 

Try not to be bitter, it will only eat you up inside. She is after all only human, she fell out of love with you - I'm sorry for that loss. It's hard not to be angry but one day you might be in a position where you are the one leaving, where you understand what she did and why.

 

Without making excuses for someone i don't know when you fall out of love with someone it is a very difficult thing to break to someone you care for, people don't do it on purpose - it just happens. How they handle it is up to them, it sounds like she handled it okay with you with respect and honesty - the not getting in touch months down the line is something you have to deal with.

 

Good luck with everything, you've heard it all before but it does really get easier when you just let go... And the beautiful thing about life is you really don't know what is going to happen next. I GUARANTEE one day you will look back and think what the hell was i so bothered about for so long .

[lofi_tokyo]

I would like to add too:

 

Try not to be bitter, it will only eat you up inside. She is after all only human, she fell out of love with you - I'm sorry for that loss. It's hard not to be angry but one day you might be in a position where you are the one leaving, where you understand what she did and why.

 

Without making excuses for someone i don't know when you fall out of love with someone it is a very difficult thing to break to someone you care for, people don't do it on purpose - it just happens. How they handle it is up to them, it sounds like she handled it okay with you with respect and honesty - the not getting in touch months down the line is something you have to deal with.

 

Good luck with everything, you've heard it all before but it does really get easier when you just let go... And the beautiful thing about life is you really don't know what is going to happen next. I GUARANTEE one day you will look back and think what the hell was i so bothered about for so long .

 

I liked this post!!

 

Its so true! I keep asking why, how, can my ex be over me so easily? Well you know what? He had his reasons... and I don't think he did it to hurt me, at all, he just needed to move on. During the broke up things got hyper-emotional, so maybe he acted overly cruel, but you know, I can't blame him, because there where days when I wanted to dump him, and it was NOT easy (in fact... I never could dump him ;p).

 

So yeah. Good post. Its all about understanding, rather than trying to place blame or come up with reasons. Thanks!

[Peter_pan]

yeh true i dont think she wanted to hurt me at all, but in doing so , by her trying to protect my feelings and not tell me that she did like him in that way, only made me pursue her more. the thing is i do understand why she wanted to move on or at least be single. i did to! i wont lie!

 

but what i regret is "how i was with her" having ocd and being so controlling. its a wonder she stuck with me at all.

 

that is what i wish i could undo, that is why my drive for the second chance is so high. because now im better i would show her how fun i was again. i never got that chance, who knows maybe in the future but i highly doubt it

 

sigh

[roghornio]

Don't beat yourself up for you being you. You did nothing wrong.

She stuck by you so she obviously cared. I'll take a bet that she didn't leave for those reasons you mention. No point in thinking from her point of view and trying to work out where you went wrong - whats the point - it was months ago, it doesn't matter now - what does matter is she has gone, and you need to get through all this. You were you, you shouldn't have to be someone different or act differently for someone to like you. No one is perfect - the best you can hope for is someone who's flaws you don't mind and you certainly shouldn't try and disguise those flaws for anyone because they make you you.

 

I'm sure every single person on here looks back and thinks if only they hadn't or had done XYZ. You can't change the past, but what you can do is learn from the mistakes you make so your future won't end up in the same place (if that makes sense).

[Peter_pan]

Don't beat yourself up for you being you. You did nothing wrong.

She stuck by you so she obviously cared. I'll take a bet that she didn't leave for those reasons you mention. No point in thinking from her point of view and trying to work out where you went wrong - whats the point - it was months ago, it doesn't matter now - what does matter is she has gone, and you need to get through all this. You were you, you shouldn't have to be someone different or act differently for someone to like you. No one is perfect - the best you can hope for is someone who's flaws you don't mind and you certainly shouldn't try and disguise those flaws for anyone because they make you you.

 

I'm sure every single person on here looks back and thinks if only they hadn't or had done XYZ. You can't change the past, but what you can do is learn from the mistakes you make so your future won't end up in the same place (if that makes sense).

 

thanks rog, that does make sense and i am going to try and follow it.

 

i do get angry at myself sometimes because of the situation but obviously no one has a cyrstal ball and predict the future.

 

because.... we met july 04 when i was 17 , we went out with each other for a year. so it was 05 this is when we finished our college course. we wanted to stay together and not lose each other because of university, so we decided to live together on a gap year, we planned to travel but never did..

 

so 2006 we where aiming to go to uni. i knew she wanted to stick with me and go to the same university, but i wanted what was best for her and her art. so i didnt exactly say yeah yeah come follow me, type thing. i told her that what if we meet someone new and break up? its a possibility. so i told her to go to the best university for you. she was upset by this. then towards the sept mark she had applied to 4 universities which i didnt want to be at, so i panicked and knew id lose her unless i went with her. ATE MY OWN ADVICE.

 

so i applied for some unis that matched her choices and all was set.

our re was kinda rocky, living together 600 miles away from home and having no friends and a job you dont like isnt exactly the best thing..

 

so we moved to the big city in scotland and loved it, so we instantly rented a flat there. we then decided to go to the same university the following sept which we did, and then around xmas time it all fell apart and now she is with him.

 

so i feel like ive lost a lot of time plus staying with her all that time instead of just going straight to a university made it harder to cope now:(. we should have gone our separate ways and never lived with each other. then by now who knows what id be doing, if id even be typing on this forum!? scary.

 

so yeah thats the regret i hold. and that things are the way they are

 

and its that kind of thing that i want to go back over with her and tell her why we did all of what we did... to be together, and then she finds someone new and didnt talk about our issues.

 

any advice on that? or same as above really. like i said, its to hard to swallow. i wish things didnt turn out the way they did.

 

all i can do is move on and live life. there is no option. because even going back to her "if" that was possible would mean living there. and after everything i just couldn't.

 

i know she thought that we would always argue and "things would always go back to how they are" as she said

even if i said not this time, she said well were always good for some weeks maybe months but it always becomes this again, arguing over little things.

 

im so sad about it all really. i miss her dearly.

 

sigh

[Surfer Dude]

Peter, don't break NC, I ask you not to. You will feel better for the first 2-3 mins and after that you'll feel like the worst crap imaginable on earth.

 

She dumped you for another man while you gave her your trust and your heart. She has no right whatsoever to have you in her life. Don't give her the satisfaction of being her whiny bitch while she is sleeping around with men.

 

You're a human being with far greater strength and capacity than you could ever imagine.

 

You are trapped in a circle of memories that is extremely hard to break, but remember, no matter what you do inside your head with her, nothing will ever make you feel better. Her ghost is in posession of your soul right now. The ghost of good times and memories spent with her. But that's not her (a dishonest, cheating bitch), but rather your own mental image of her (a sweet girl who loved you).

 

You had an AMAZING time with her, you had plans and hopes. You are missing those things, not HER. You are missing how she made you feel. I'm sure you are aware that you'd never wanna spend your life with someone like her, who can simply disregard your feelings and plans you had, and just go for some chump she's known for a few weeks.

 

You've probably read my own story. NC literally saved me from mental abuse. I still have setbacks from time to time, especially at night when I'm alone, but I'm aware that it's memories and great times and trips together that I'm missing, definitely not that cold hearted creature who disregards and disrespects anything but her own agenda.

 

Be strong and don't think about her. NC means nothing if she is still occupying your mind. Unless you break off the OCD cycle you are having, this could last for years and you don't want that. Forget about her and move on, there are wonderful women around.

 

You will naturally have setbacks but don't let them bring you down! If you had a lovely time in your relationship, you can always enjoy those memories, but just let them go for a while until you move on! Good luck!

[Peter_pan]

ah man well good reply i enjoyed reading and absorbing that !

 

yeh i did suffer from ocd and i think its switched from what i used to obsess over to obsessing about her. how can i or how should i break the cycle?

 

yeh she basically didnt want me back when we 50/50 mutually agreed to be single and work on "us", we were still together if that makes sense, but she must have completely emotionally detached at that point while i was left thinking we were on a break whilst we saw how it went. next thing i know she is telling me she is with him, she new him a matter of weeks.

[Surfer Dude]

yeh i did suffer from ocd and i think its switched from what i used to obsess over to obsessing about her. how can i or how should i break the cycle?

 

First of all, by maintaining NC. Should you (or her) ever break NC while you're not properly healed, you will be back at square one in no time. Although I firmly believe that people should maintain NC even after they have manage to move on, because honestly, there's just no point whatsoever in staying in touch.

 

I very well understand this sounds like something next to impossible right now, but find something else to do. I always used to hate this advice from people and I was always like: "wtf, I still love her/miss her, how can I go read books or watch movies, she is still in my mind and heart". Well guess what, you have to convince yourself is that nothing you will do inside your mind will ever get her back or make you feel better. Your partner has moved on and she's not pining after you, why can't you do the same for her?

 

Imagine this scenario: your family member dies of old age. You're sad for a few days (maybe weeks) and then you move on, right? You keep a wonderful memory of them, but you are aware that no matter how much you think about them, it isn't going to get them back.

 

Remember, it's not her that you miss. It's a combo of hurt ego, human nature and lost hopes and thoughts of how she made you feel that are forcing you to keep this cycle alive. Somehow it's in our nature to think that if we give in to memories and pining for just a few minutes, if we only give access to our soul to their ghost, that we might feel a little better. It's in our nature to feel guilty not to think about them.

 

Well do what I tell you and go against your nature. Remember, NOTHING will bring her back. Start doing something else and forget about the girl. Don't let the thought of her possess you and drain life from you. Only time and NC can truly heal you, but some proactive steps like the ones I mentioned would save you a great deal of time and pain in the process.

[Surfer Dude]

You also might wanna read this, it's something I posted in another thread, hopefully it will help you heal and move on.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1929070&postcount=35

[Peter_pan]

cheers again

 

what i keep mulling over is the past, the break up and my mistake.

 

basically when someone says they left me for someone else, does this mean there partner literally txt them out the blue and say, im with so and so now? or ive been seeing so and so for this ammount of time, im leaving you. in which case is cheating because the original partner did not no and was still in the re with that person.

 

in this case i can see all the reason to go NC

 

 

 

Me on the other hand i feel is different and its my fault which to some degree it is. its this regret that i cant let go of.

 

 

 

to break it down

 

together 3 years ish, moved into a flat, things went down hill for a while and picked up, on and off. small petty arguments

 

we decide to be single but live together and see how things go. things go well, she asks me back, i say im not sure. because i felt i did all the work to make us happy. and i wanted to see what else was out there, have fun being single and grow independent(since we were each others first) i needed a break just as much as she did tbh.

 

also she was buying house and wanted me to live with her so she could buy a bigger one!! basically using me!, so if i said yes i didn't want to just move again to be told a couple weeks later it wasn't working so bye bye now move out, type thing.

she then gets a new job but is still "with me" if that makes sense. sleeping together etc

 

 

 

 

x mass comes up, i buy her a £100 bracelet. but then i decided to giv it to her for her bday in jan so it would be more special. so bought her sexy underwear for xmass instead which she said i could see her in, which is weird because she was adamant not to be back with me. at this point she had been working all the time leading up to xmass and going out with the work mates, spending no time with me. and she is talking about her manager a lot.

 

xmass comes and goes and she still dont want me. she just says its not what i want anymore.

 

more time goes by i want her back at xmass but she says no. i cant figure out why. so i give her space, be super nice. and still the answer is no. she wants to be single, she would say. and its not what i want anymore. she then tells me to refund the bracelet. and move on, take the good times with me.

 

she offers for me to stay in the flat up untill the point she moves out though.... i say no. (cause my heart was being stomped on everytime i got rejected). so i moved out and had a holiday booked for myself with the uni. and hoped she would miss me and come back.

 

before i go, i had written her a nice letter (email) asking for another chance and reminding her of the good memories and stuff and how it will be different and things i want to do with her in the future and now etc.

 

she was currently on holdiay visiting her parents for her bday at this point (my home town) so i waited until she got back for a reply

 

she didnt reply, so i asked if she got it, she said yeh and give her time to reply. so i waited and continued being nice to her and polite if she ever txted me.

 

 

 

 

i spoke to her on my msn and she told me he had asked her out the day we got back from down south, so i said, did you say yes then? but she said that it couldnt have been worse timing to him....

 

so i was really mad and went round to speak to her and she said it was nothing, she likes him just like she likes anyone else, and she said no one knows what the future holds, dont wait around for me. i asked her if thats what she was planning then to be with him, she said no.

 

 

 

 

week later

 

i went round to give her a bday present for her birthday which was in 3 days after i would be on holiday. it was a dvd which was what we saw in the pictures for our first date. whilst i was over at our flat we shared, to see her, she didnt mention the email at all. she was going into town to choose a sofa etc for her new flat and asked if i wanted to come ( i said i couldnt as i have to pack ) i asked what she had been upto and she mentioned popping into work in the morning, then she looked as though she shouldnt have said that and i asked her wat for, since its a club she only works evenings, she said oh just stock audit. i said oh right, isnt that the managers job (meaning him) she quickly defended herself and said, no no everyone was there. so i was like hmm and changed convo.

 

hugged her before i left and wished her happy bday, she told me that i'll have to show her the photos when i get back. and that she was really jealous that im going.

 

 

 

 

then 2 days later she emailed back and told me about him and that she had been seeing him now and that she said we would always be happy on our own or with someone else or what ever. and that she dosnt know if it will lead to anything with him but it was nice not knowing!!! that stung like a mother ****er.

 

i begged for her to talk to me about it when i got back because she at least owed me that. she said to me, i dont owe you anything. dont contact my family again as you just upset them. (basically she told her mum that she told me she was seeing him, which was a lie). my dad read the email i was waiting on since i had no pc on holiday. my dad then went and txted her telling her it was obviously bad news for me and they didnt want her to let me know until i returned from holiday.

 

she didnt listen to him and txt me right away asking why the hell my dad was reading private messages.

 

thats when i called him and they told me. he told me her mum had called him and asked why he was interfering and that she had told me about him before. my dad was like, well no she didnt this email is the first time he will know.

 

 

 

 

her mum obviously didnt believe my dad over her own daughter, so i called her mum and set the score straight.

 

so after that point i went strickly nc. never heard from her. i called about 2 weeks later and tried to get her back but she told me her feelings had changed about me and that she would be lying to me if we went back to each other,and things change people change, ive change. and that she never planned it with him, it just happened... but i still want to be in contact with you.

 

so wished her luck with her future and him. told her i couldnt be in contact because it was to hurtful wat she was doing and unless i get a new gf or have moved on then its to hard for me.

 

10 mins after that call she txt me saying how he moved to a different club and it dosnt change how much she loves working at this club.

 

that was that. i heard from her twice after that, her just asking for advice on what cable to buy for her tv.... and i need to change my address details. i stayed strong thanks to this forum and didnt txt back.

 

 

 

 

thats it.

 

and to this day ive never heard from her. only i know she spoke to my mate for a coffee, and told him she wasnt wiv him anymore and asked for my number and asked if i was returning up north. he gave her my number and said u should contact him, she said hmm i'll think about it.

 

month goes by, didnt hear from her on my bday. month after that she is back with him. and still is.

 

 

sorry this is stupidly long. i feel stupid for sitting here this long writing it all out.

 

i just wanted to explain the details. and know if i am in the wrong. cause i feel initially it was my fault on the decision to have some space (even though she requested it shortly before that) i never wanted us not to ever be back together.

 

she moved on ridiculously quick regardless of the fact that we weren't technically together. and this has hurt me to this day.

 

if you reply to this then i thank you so much. its long i know

 

god looking back at all this is just madness. it was 8-9 months ago. but was so massive at the time.

 

i do still miss her but its the ghost of her i miss and the memories like you said.

[Surfer Dude]

It seems that both of you had lots of hot/cold periods, which eventually managed to cool her off to the point of not wanting you back.

 

Still, I believe that if there was ever any true love between two people, such minor arguments shouldn't get in the way of happiness. I know that remorse is bothering you and that you are blaming yourself for your actions. But try to keep perspective and realize that whatever you did was because you considered it to be the best for your well being at some point.

 

Remorse is a terrible feeling, however just try to forgive yourself for what you consider to be mistakes. It's not solely your own fault, there need to be two parties to start a conflict. Regardless of your own actions, it's pretty obvious she never really cared much for you, if she was able to move on so soon.

 

Unlike myself, at least you weren't cheated upon (emotionally first), then dumped for some random guy. My fiance slept with a new guy in the first week after dumping me. She dumped him afterward and then kept on sleeping around with men and insulting me with stories of her sex life, as you know.

 

Be more kind to yourself and try to forgive yourself. It's not solely your own fault, believe me. Pick yourself up, learn and grow from your experiences, move on and find a great lady you will be able to make happy

Your ex is gone, don't dwell on the memories of her. Break the vicious cycle and realize that thinking about her will only do you harm on the long run. Don't let that BS become a part of you, don't carry it within you your whole life. There are TONS of AMAZING and wonderful women out there, just think how many of them would be happy to connect with a great guy who can show them the world they have never experienced

 

There isn't such thing as "the one". You could find something to love in just about anyone if you took enough time to get to know them.

[Peter_pan]

It seems that both of you had lots of hot/cold periods, which eventually managed to cool her off to the point of not wanting you back.

 

Still, I believe that if there was ever any true love between two people, such minor arguments shouldn't get in the way of happiness. I know that remorse is bothering you and that you are blaming yourself for your actions. But try to keep perspective and realize that whatever you did was because you considered it to be the best for your well being at some point.

 

Remorse is a terrible feeling, however just try to forgive yourself for what you consider to be mistakes. It's not solely your own fault, there need to be two parties to start a conflict. Regardless of your own actions, it's pretty obvious she never really cared much for you, if she was able to move on so soon.

 

Unlike myself, at least you weren't cheated upon (emotionally first), then dumped for some random guy. My fiance slept with a new guy in the first week after dumping me. She dumped him afterward and then kept on sleeping around with men and insulting me with stories of her sex life, as you know.

 

Be more kind to yourself and try to forgive yourself. It's not solely your own fault, believe me. Pick yourself up, learn and grow from your experiences, move on and find a great lady you will be able to make happy

Your ex is gone, don't dwell on the memories of her. Break the vicious cycle and realize that thinking about her will only do you harm on the long run. Don't let that BS become a part of you, don't carry it within you your whole life. There are TONS of AMAZING and wonderful women out there, just think how many of them would be happy to connect with a great guy who can show them the world they have never experienced

 

There isn't such thing as "the one". You could find something to love in just about anyone if you took enough time to get to know them.

 

 

thanks dude your posts are really good! you make me feel stronger inside.

 

i am going to do all i can now to just be me and live my life, not carry any regrets and be happy. thanks so much for your reply

 

and everyone else !

[Surfer Dude]

thanks dude your posts are really good! you make me feel stronger inside.

 

i am going to do all i can now to just be me and live my life, not carry any regrets and be happy. thanks so much for your reply

 

and everyone else !

 

Great that you decided to move on. Remember, we're all in the same boat here, and big majority of us are managing well, so there's absolutely no reason why you couldn't too

 

You'll be fine, trust me, time and NC heal every wound

Someday you'll go out, you'll meet a hot and smart lady and your world will be rocked again. Just don't give up hope. Unfaltering optimism is the key to every happy experience and outcome. You have much more strength and power than you could ever imagine, you just don't know it yet.

 

It's not like our exs and outside circumstances are the root causes of our pain. They are just external triggers for some deeper issues that are bothering us. Ergo, every time we feel depressed or sad, we are doing it to ourselves. Once you realize that, no external circumstance will ever be able to influence you, because it will be your decision to not feel bad. We can change how we feel, and knowing this is really empowering.

[Peter_pan]

insightful stuff again

 

"Remember, it's not her that you miss. It's a combo of hurt ego, human nature and lost hopes and thoughts of how she made you feel that are forcing you to keep this cycle alive."

 

so how do you let go of the ghost and good memories of her? how do i dead the cycle? I know nothing i can do will get her back now and i know the person she is isnt who she was with me!

 

"It's not like our exs and outside circumstances are the root causes of our pain. They are just external triggers for some deeper issues that are bothering us. Ergo, every time we feel depressed or sad, we are doing it to ourselves. Once you realize that, no external circumstance will ever be able to influence you, because it will be your decision to not feel bad. We can change how we feel, and knowing this is really empowering"

 

again so true !

 

so basically nc and time is the cure you mean?

 

and how do you keep hope in meeting a new hot girl alive?

 

although thinking about it, is exciting lol, but if that feeling drops? when you feel like there wont be anyone else that will rock your world?

 

thanks man

[Surfer Dude]

insightful stuff again

 

so how do you let go of the ghost and good memories of her? how do i dead the cycle? I know nothing i can do will get her back now and i know the person she is isnt who she was with me!

 

You have basically answered your own question here. By knowing that she will never be back, by realizing that she isn't who you thought she was, you will be able to accept that reality. And remember, you don't have to let go of the memories! They are YOUR posessions and noone can take them away. You had a great time with her, you experienced something great and you can always relive those moments by recalling them. All I'm saying is, let them go for a while, until you have managed to move on.

 

Besides, it's not memories that plague you, it's the feeling that you have lost a chance to make more of those memories in the future, fear that you will never experience those things again. But believe me, you will.

 

so basically nc and time is the cure you mean?

 

and how do you keep hope in meeting a new hot girl alive?

 

although thinking about it, is exciting lol, but if that feeling drops? when you feel like there wont be anyone else that will rock your world?

Why wouldn't there be anyone else? There are 3 billion women in the world That's a pretty big choice, surely you will find someone. You'd have to be pretty pessimistic to think that there is no one compatible with you out there.

 

There's absolutely no reason whatsoever why you couldn't be happy in the future. Our mindsets and level of optimism (pessimism) determine the outcome of our future.

[Ingenue]

Peter, whatever it is that you're feeling, whether it be remorse or guilt, sadness you need to let go and find it in yourself to forgive. You're stuck in a cycle of memories that is difficult to break. Know that these memories do not control you. They were and continue to be a part of you and they were undoubtedly a seminal part of your life. But they are all in the past and you are living in the present. Memories can only be powerful if we give them that power.