Lonelystar Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 So it has been about 4 months since my ex and me finally ended things. The pain is still there, but I am not crying as much. I always figured my "ex" was being sweet by telling me that he still loved me, and still wished we could go back in time. However, saying those things have no meaning when a person doesn't want to be in a relationship. I would much rather have him tell me that he doesn;t love me anymore. That way I could have healed instead of holding on to some hope. It just makes me mad, and maybe I am weird for feeling this way. I have just made up mind, and regardless of what he tells, I will just assume that he never loved me as much as he claims. I just wish getting over your first love was easier. I doubt I will ever stop loving him, but I hope this feeling of sadness goes away.
Lizzyb6938 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 hey, to make you feel any better i'm sort of in the same situation. my bf and i of 2.5 years broke up nearly two weeks ago. he was crying, says he still loves me but thinks a relationship will be too hard for him next year (he's starting med, first year meant to be really stressful). we saw one another again and he wanted to get back together but i knew he wasnt ready and would still be just as confused in a couple of weeks so i need to let him go for now. he says he loves me and wants to be the man of my dreams and i believe him. but I said and he said it's not our time and that maybe we need to go our own way for a while. i know he loves me, he never wanted to let me go when i was with him but I needed to let him go. sometimes i think a break up is easier when you can just hate the person because they don't love you any more and just think they're a dickhead. think it can help you move on better hating them. but when you love them and they love you it's so much harder because you don't see the bad stuff. Just let him go, like I have, if you let them go freely because it's the best thing for them, you get to hold onto your dignity and they'll remember you as a wonderful girl who knew what was best for them and might even come back. so just let him go and try to have fun. that's what i'm trying to do. it's hard and i cry alot too sometimes but i have faith that I will be ok, with or without him. And who knows, once he sees your doing ok and your that strong, wonderful person he fell in love with, whose been able to take this bullet for the team and get on with life, could be good. Lizzy
emmanuel Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 "but when you love them and they love you it's so much harder because you don't see the bad stuff. Just let him go, like I have, if you let them go freely because it's the best thing for them, you get to hold onto your dignity and they'll remember you as a wonderful girl who knew what was best for them and might even come back" Great post Lizzy, can not agree more on this.
Author Lonelystar Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Yes, I agree completely with you Lizzy. If there was hate it would be much easier to move on. I know he loved me at some point, but I'm not sure he still does. Though he e-mails me telling me he does and that he wishes he could go back in time, it doesn't make anything better. I think it makes the situation a lot worse because I keep clinging on to some sort of hope. I keep thinking, maybe he is saying those things to have a hold on me. Maybe he really doesn't love me, but doesn't like the thought of me moving or. Or perhaps he does love me, but he doesn't want to be with me right now. I was with this person for over 5 years, and now I am heartbroken. I can't seem to really move on, and I don't know how much time it will take. Sure, I am doing better then I was 4 months ago, but I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I don't know how to reply to his e-mails, and if I even should. When you love someone, and "miss" them like he claims, don't you want to be with them? Instead he is suggesting friendship, and that is something I do not know if I can do. Sure, being his friend would be ideal, but I know I would get jealous when he found someone else, and it would prevent my healing process. However, it is so hard cut him out of my life. I know it is something I shouldn't even think about, but what if I remained his friend and we got another chance. Meeeh...this all so confusing.
Lizzyb6938 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Lonelystar I feel your pain. i really think you've obviously been through so much in the last four months. Maybe say to him no friendship, possibly later, but right now i need to move on and not be reminded on a regular basis so please stop contacting me. i will contact you when I feel I can. Don't do it to get him back, probably might create a temporary response, but do it so you can feel stronger and actually give yourself a good chance of moving on. i'm really lucky right now. my ex has gone away for two months. he wanted to have contact while he was away, i said no because we both need to accept and process what has happened. so now he's on the other side of the world totally beyond contact and beyond reach and I'm extremely happy about that. we both need time and space right now. sometimes i think wow i should have gotten back together with him when he suggested it, i was such an idiot, i've missed the boat forever. but i knew it wouldn't be right for him and that he needs this time, as do i. keeeping contact with your ex right now is not healthy. it's so unfair of him to say those things without any inclination of reconcilliation. you need to say stop. just write him back an email saying. 'if you really love me leave me alone for a while so I can give myself a good chance of moving on. maybe we can be friends later, maybe we can't but right now it's not possible. i'll let you know when/ if it ever is.' you need to be kind to yourself not to him, put yourself first. that's certainly what he is doing. I really feel for you. i've read some of your posts about dating again and stuff. that's sort of the stage i'm at now. thinking about dating again but not really sure if i'm ready. need to give it a stab though
SgtPepper Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 When you love someone, and "miss" them like he claims, don't you want to be with them? Instead he is suggesting friendship, and that is something I do not know if I can do. Sure, being his friend would be ideal, but I know I would get jealous when he found someone else, and it would prevent my healing process. However, it is so hard cut him out of my life. I know it is something I shouldn't even think about, but what if I remained his friend and we got another chance. I am right where you are at Lonelystar and it does hurt. I also get the "I love you" and "I miss you" messages but along with the "I need to do this for me right now". This after 8 years. My ex will not close the door on reconciliation in the future if we both find that the love we have together is the love we want for the rest of our lives. I know that we both need to make some changes to make a healthier relationship, but my ex is going to date other people and I just don't know if I can. It would be SO much easier if there wasn't any love left. It would still hurt, but then I wouldn't think about reconciling. I guess I will just do what my ex said, which is to work on making changes for myself, making my life better for myself, and if we are meant to be together, we will.
Author Lonelystar Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Thank you Lizzy and Sgt. Pepper for your kind words. Healing takes a lot of time when love is involved, but I am sure we can heal. I was laying in bed yesterday thinking...and I decided that I am not going to be anyones door matt. Yes, I love him and want him back, but I am not going to keep waiting for him to be with me. He ended things when he wanted to, and never once thought about me. I think it is time to become more selfish and focus on myself. I have many great qualities, and I think someone would be lucky to have me. I am sure the same goes for you guys as well. Thanks for your advice Lizzy about sending the letter. I did, and now I feel much better. Even though it was hard to cut him out of my life, I need to focus on me right now. He can't have me when he wants. I want to be able to take back more control over my life, and call the shots on where it is headed. Being in a relationship is wonderful, but you want to be with someone who wants you just as much. I know he will regret his decision, but it may be to late then. I hope we all heal soon, and realize we are going to be okay without our exes. It will always hurt, but that should let us know our love was true. I hope you guys feel better, and I hope this holiday season goes great for you guys. I myself am dreading the holidays, but I think I'll be okay.
Lizzyb6938 Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I'm so glad you did that. good job for being so strong. it's the only way to heal I've finally realised. going on a date tonight, am terrified coz i don't think i'm ready but need to give it a try. you're right we need parters like they used to be. partners who want to be with us no matter what, not in the future or whenever they feel like it. and if they do wake up and realise holy crap what have I done, they will need to work their asses off to even make us consider returning. very proud of you lonelystar, yes it sucks but if it's really meant to be it will happen.
Author Lonelystar Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 I hope your date went well. I tried dating, but I wasn't ready. I think I need a couple of months just to myself. I have always been in relationships ever since I was 15, so I need to lay off of men for a while. You are right, we need someone to love us now. Telling me we "may" have a chance in the future is not good enough, and I am not going to hold off on that. I refuse to be someones security blanket. I hope one day we can be friends, but until then I am going to make myself stronger. I noticed it helps to take shower, as odd as that way sound. Whenever I feel extremely sad at night, I take a warm shower and I end up feeling much better. I figure there are tons of people on this planet, one has to be for me! (maybe even a few haha). I hope you feel better Lizzy. I'm sure it will take time, but you are a very compassionate person and any guy would be lucky to have you. Plus looking at your icon, I can tell you are very pretty too (a bonus indeed).
Lizzyb6938 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 lol thanks you're so sweet. you're gorgeous too. it was a good date. but i don't know just felt really weird. i think i might take off a little while to myself too. when the guy tried to hold my hand i felt like running a mile lol, don't think that's a normal reaction. think some me time for a little while might be good
Gere51 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 When someone leaves that you love there really is no other choice but to go NC. I've been in a NC mode for about 118 days now, and even though I'm still hurting, it gets better each day. Today was particularly bad for me since Nov. 23 is the day we met. Since I cut off contact I have heard nothing, which tells me there is probably someone else, but I wonder if she still remembers today.
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