How do I leave?

[verylost]

I am going to give you a quick background of my 8 year M / 14 year relationship and ask for advice. My wife has had a few afairs during our marriage. I have allways done everything for her, cared about her very deeply and have always been there for her. We have no kids.

 

The most recent one lasted about 7 months, I found out the first month of it and confronted her two month into it. I told her I was done with our marriage and would like to seperate. I still stayed at the house and sometimes slept in the same room, while other times would stay in the spare room, it has been very odd.

 

Here comes the bombshell.... she told me 2 weeks ago she is pregant. We both know it is not mine as we have not had sex for a few months. She then tells me she is done with the OM and now realizes she wants to be with me, no matter what it will take.

 

I was very confussed about the best way to leave because I care about her too much and i know she is going through a very hard time of her life. I know this relationship could never continue, but I know she is going to find it very hard on her own..... I just need to let go.

 

I make very good money, she makes about 15% of my income. I am going to leave her EVERYTHING I own, she can have it all...i really do not care. I would much rather just start my new life from scratch.

 

The past few weeks I have been telling her I am going to find my own place and we need to seperate, but she gets very...very mad, like I have never seen before from her.

 

I have also been seeing someone else, it is very casual and we are mostly friends, I have been open with her about it. I'm sure this is also making her mad, but I am over the relationship and have not received any attention from her in a long time...years, and i found myself needing it.

 

I would love it if she would let me move out and help her with the bills for a couple months until she can find something that pays a little better. All I want is to help her realize I'm not the one she wants and have her move on, because she is not want I want anymore. Is there a good way to go about this and be civil, or do I just need to hit the road?

[travelgirl]

Wow - first off, I am very sorry for all you have been going thru. I am sure the pregnancy shocker was a real kicker.

 

It sounds like you are a really nice guy but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself. It sounds to me like it is over with OM because she is PG and he wants nothing to do with her now. All of sudden she is without him, pregnant, barely has an income and wants to work things out with you. The problem is, you have enabled her for so many years to cheat and lie to you so she is now upset that you would consider leaving her in HER time of need. She is selfish and doesn't care about your needs. You have to think about yourself. Don't leave her without contacting a lawyer or mediator first. You will regret leaving her with everything. I am not saying to dump her in the street but you should by no means have to support her and the baby of another man. Once you walk out, she can say you have abandoned her - I would definitely contact a lawyer ASAP.

 

Hope you can find a way to get thru this. You deserve MUCH better!

[Bryanp]

You have been married 8 years and your wife has had a few affairs? My friend one is one too many. She has been screwing her latest affair for 7 months and now she is pregnant. Of course she wants to come back to you. I guarantee that the OM threw her under the bus when he found she was pregnant.

 

What you must do is immediately see a lawyer. You do not want to me stuck paying child support for the next 18 years for someone else's kid. SEE A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY!

[2sure]

You seem to have an understanding of who your wife is, and is not. You seem empathetic to her, to the pont where you aren't mad - you just want out. That puts you in a good place emotionally. But you still want to take care of her, because for whatever reason...you seem to know she can't take care of herself. I get it.

 

But, you know...its time. Its time for her to figure it all out. Be a grown up. It may seem to you that she cannot, but parenthood is often a real turn around for people. Its now or never. You need to move on for YOU but also it seems, for HER.

 

Easy now to say she can have everything, you just want your freedom...but please take care of your future self. Be generous if you like, but not foolish. This includes money, and emotions.

[immizunderstood]

I agree with both of the other posts. You seem like a really nice man. Many women would love to have someone like you in their lives. Go to a lawyer asap and proceed with actually enjoying the rest of your life.

 

Note: The reason why your wife is so upset that you told her you were leaving is because she knows you mean business this time! She no longer can walk all over you and its killing her inside.

[D-Lish]

I think you know in your heart that reconciling with your wife who is having another mans baby just isn't going to happen. it could never work.

 

As another poster put it, one affair is too many.

 

Of course she's mad- you're seeing someone else and aren't bowing to her whims.

 

I would truly consult a lawyer and figure out your options.

Make sure you know your rights before moving out of the house. I don't know the laws in your State/Country- so it's important to know what is what before starying the process of leaving.

 

if you make good money, consulting a lawyer shouldn't be a problem in terms of cost.

[verylost]

Thank you all for your responses. We do not own a house together, and I do not have a large net worth, just a very expensive lifestyle that I'm looking very forward to cutting back...too much stress!

 

We spoke tonight and she told me she is planning on visiting family for the holidays and spoke to them about our problems, all of this without us speaking in 3 days. This is a great step. I want to consult a lawyer, but not quit yet. I understand the importance of seaking legal advice, but want to hold off until I am out of the house, hopefully the bgining of the year as I am going away for 3 weeks later this month.

 

Please keep you fingers crossed that she continues to see that we need to seperate as this is not the relationship she is looking for. I will keep you all posted

 

Thanks!

[Trimmer]

There's no reason to put off consulting a lawyer; the sooner you go, the better. This doesn't mean you have to file tomorrow, but think of it as a very important step of educating yourself about the legal issues involved in separation and divorce. There may be things you can do - and possibly things you should not do - to position yourself and protect your best interests, these things may well depend on your particular situation, and they may be time sensitive, given that there is a pregnancy involved.

 

Does it make a difference if you file the divorce petition either before or after the birth? Does it make a difference if the divorce is finalized either before or after the birth? Is it to your benefit to do anything NOW to lay the groundwork for disclaiming paternity (which may require a paternity test, which may require a court order, etc...) In many jurisdictions, if the wife is pregnant at the time of the divorce, the divorcing husband is legally presumed to be the father, and the burden is on him to prove otherwise. Lay it all out for a lawyer, get his or her opinion, and ask questions so you understand the implications of your situation.

 

Remember that you are still in control. Just "seeing" a lawyer doesn't mean that you have started some irrevocable downhill slide. What it does is gives you just one more tool to support your own life.

 

Please go, and give yourself the benefit of knowledge and power. You don't have to think of it as power 'over her' or anything like that, but rather power within your own situation and your own life. Why would you not at least go and educate yourself right away? That baby is not going to put its growth on hold until after the holidays - don't wait weeks or months to go in and at least review what your legal options are.

[cyabye]

Leaving for you should be easy enough. No kids and finances not a problem etc. Time to separate the emotions and get down to business.

 

Do this:

 

Open door.

Through door.

Close door.

Consult lawyer and follow their advice (especially since she is pregnant).

 

I wish you the best. Good luck. Be strong for you.

 

Cyabye

[travelgirl]

I agree with Trimmer, at the very least consult with a lawyer before going away. Let them give you your options so can think ahead more clearly. Going away and then getting thru the holidays without a set goal could set you up for a fall - one that you could be too emotional to not take and will regret later.

 

I am assuming that you both only rent the place you live in now? If that is so, then take what you need and find a new apartment now. The longer you hold off on this the longer it gives her new ideas and ways to try and keep you from not leaving. With your emotions running high and how nice of a guy you are, you could be falling into a trap.

 

Contact a lawyer for your options. It doesn't mean you have to file but why hold off on figuring out your future??

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I agree with the others--see a lawyer now! This baby is a HUGE deal in the eyes of the law. In my state, if you're married at the time of birth, the husband's name is put on the birth certificate as the father--PERIOD. You need to get moving on this now.