Cherbear Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I got jealous over the fact that they went out to dinner last week. But truth be told I don't think there's anything going on between them. They were good friends before and they'd like to maintain the friendship. She has a bf she loves very much too. So it's all my fault that I shouldn't have made a big deal out of it. I got angry with him and I know I shouldn't have. And now he wants to break up with me b/c I can't "handle that". He's convinced there's no way for me to be comfortable with their relationship, but it's not true. I was fine with it before and I only got angry b/c one other friend said to me she'd have a problem with it if she was me. He finally agreed to try one more time. But I don't know what I could do during this time to turn this relationship around. He says he loves me. But the fact that I can't handle him going out with his ex-gf/best friend and that there are some issues that we don't see eye to eye made him think our problems are bigger than our love. Does this sound like a lost cause? Is there even a possibility for us to work it out during this one final time? Any suggestions?
Geishawhelk Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 It's not 'us'. it's you. It's all to do with that flogged horse, the 'self-esteem'. You see her as a threat, even though you know logically, there is nothing in it. That's your problem, and again, beating an old bit of advice to within an inch of its useful life - you need IC.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 While I have never been in your position precisely, I do have some things to add. If your man is with you and says he loves you, and shows that on a regular basis, then he probably does. He wanted to hang out with his ex, and thats where things get tricky. If he, outside of seeing his ex, was a wonderful boyfriend, then I don't know if you had much reason to get upset with him. Talking to him about it bothering you is fine, but if his ex means a lot to him (just not in a romantic way anymore), and he is being good to you, then I think to some extent you need to show your trust for him. If he was acting sketchy in the last few months, and then started hanging out with her, I'd be more concerned. However, it sounds like his ex is happy in her relationship, and he WAS happy in his, so I suspect he just needed you to understand that other woman have been important in his life, and though he loves you and wants to be with you, you need to share him a bit. It sounds to me like maybe he just needs a woman who is a bit less insecure (that being said, I do not blame you for your insecurities). Will he come back? Maybe. You didn't end on the worst of terms. My advice though is to accept its over for now and chalk this up as one of life's lessons. How long were the two of you dating? Did your man dump his ex, or did he dump her, or was it mutual? (just curious)
Author Cherbear Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 I realize now that was my fault. She was a good friend to him. They were good friends. I knew this before. She broke up with him but it was mutual. It wasn't working for them. They've been good friends ever since. It's been 1 year and a half. And being friends seems to be working for them. And I am sorry I flipped out. But I can assure myself it won't happen again. I just never expected this to be a breaking point. I guess he thought I'd never change. He wants to try again until thanksgiving b/c we made plans for thanksgiving and he wants to do that according to plan. But i feel he already feels strong the other way. I now have these 2 weeks in my hands but i don't know what I could do to turn it around. And if I don't do something I feel like I didn't do enough to save my relationship and I'll just blame myself for that later on. I'm pretty tired of second chances. If this is over, it's pretty much over for real. But just thinking of that just breaks my heart. He's a good boyfriend. He's loyal, honest and willing to try new things with me. We were really good friends for a year before we started dating 3 months ago. I know it's not very long but I really like him. And I want to tough it out. I just don't know how.
D-Lish Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I think being a little jealous is a natural response- no matter how good things are between the two of you. I think it's more about keeping your emotions about it in check. You can talk to him about it calmly without getting angry. Anger will automatically put him on the defense about it. My ex-husband used to see his ex gf whenever she was in town, and even went out West to visit her once or twice. I didn't love the fact that they remained close- but at the time I was pretty secure with how things were between us. I also met her many times- and she was a cool girl. Have you met this girl? Sometimes that helps to put things into perspective and allieviate any fears you may have. Sometimes illogical feelings pop up, that's a fact of life. You can't change those feelings of insecurity overnight- but you can change them. If you look at this from a rational point of view- she's happy with another man, he claims to love you. If you continue to make this a big issue, he's going to leave. That should be incentive to find a way to reconcile with their friendship. If you love him and you trust him- you can find a way through this. I think you know you have to, or you're putting your relationship in jeapordy.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I think that generally around the 3month-9month mark is when couples hit their first major speed bump, generally a bit later than sooner, but it happens. The good news is he is willing to keep trying. Ask yourself this though (honestly sit down and think): is he the kind of guy you need right now, is he giving you what you need in a relationship? Perhaps write a list of pro's and con's of staying with him. If the pro's out weight the con's, then take this opportunity to really let him know you trust him, and can be more secure. You need to learn from this little mistake that he is a man who will take a stand if you start to act insecure about him, and you need to change that. If you can change, then whew! First speed bump avoided, and that one is usually one of the roughest (in the first few years). However, if the con's out weigh the pro's - as in, hes not satisfying you, and that is why you are feeling insecure - then why settle for less? Its not too late to move on! One way of thinking of it is: they say it takes half the time you date someone to get over the relationship. If you walk away now from a problematic relationship, its only 1.5 months of healing! If you wait a year to do it, you're up to 6 months. Gah! I don't know your relationship with your boyfriend, and thats why I'm posting both sides, because only you know where you stand with it.
Recommended Posts