scruffbag Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I've been with my wife for 10 years but married for 5,i have read many peoples problems and sympathise with all of them.I am also suffering in a marriage without sex.My wife lives a life of luxury,i get up with the our kids every day,take them to school then go off to work myself.I then cme home grab a drink then go and pick kids up from school.Once home i then cook the dinner for the 5 of us while all the time my wife just sits on the laptop,i then wash all dinner pots have shower and sit down with her so tel me i'm not loving enough towards her Its not just about the sex its also the appreciation of looking after the entire household.I have given up coming on to her because i cant take anymore rejections,i've tried talking to her but she says she loves me and is still in love with me.I might get 1-3 kisses a day and i dont mean tongues just pecks.I am starting to get really frustrated and starting to realise that she doesnt find me attractive anymore and wish she would put me out of misery and kick me out or give me the affection i need and i think i deserve,i might be lucky and have sex once or maybe twice a month after she has huffed and puffed about it and then she takes a deep breath its going to go one way or the other.I love her to bits but cant see any love coming my way,i'm still only young and cant surely keep this up for many years to come.
Jennifer26 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 (((((scruffbag))))) I wish I had some excellent advice to give, but you could have been describing me in your post. My husband acts pretty much just like your wife and I'm at a loss for what to do myself.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Aw, scruffbag, you sound like my husband..."But I'm showing her that I love her!" The problem is, you're not speaking her language. Go pick up a copy (or two, there's one just for husbands) of The Five Love Languages, and both of you read it, do the quizzes in the back, and then discuss. You can also google the title and find a site with a 30-second test, but I recommend getting the books, and really, really using them. My husband thought that simply providing for me and helping around the house showed me love...but I need physical touch. He needs (get this!) Acts of Service...the very things he was doing for me that didn't mean anything to me. We learned that and now I'll iron his shirts or make him coffee, and he'll touch my hair or pat my bum as he walks by. Makes a big difference.
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Yeah I agree with lonelyandfrustrated - you know usually we ourselves give what we ourselves want. So if you are the type that is into helping out around the house and giving presents, it may mean that you wish your partner would help out more with things and bring you little things. If you're more huggy and kissy, it may mean you want your partner to be more affectionate. We tend to lead by example. Actions speak louder than words. But sometimes men and women do just want different things. Typically it's women want more cuddles and men want more nookie or something but often it's much more complicated than that. I bet if you sat down and talked then for all you do she would say she doesn't feel loved - not because you don't do a lot for her but maybe because you don't do the things that make her feel cared for. And probably vice versa as well. I mean cleaning, cooking, washing etc are definately helpful, generous, kind and thoughtful but they don't really connote warmth, love or passion. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful that you do those things. It sounds as though she has withdrawn? I don't think you should be making all the effort but sometimes if one person cuts off a bit and the other doesn't, it does come down to the person who hasn't cut off to make the first move just because otherwise neither of you will! Have you tried a cuddle or a talk or planning something to do together and see how she responds and if anything changes?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Thanks, Nikki, for expanding on my point. Scruff, are you coming back? I thought of something else that may shed some light on your situation. My husband would come home from work and get busy; taking care of the yard, doing some home improvement project, tending the kids or cleaning the kitchen or what-have-you. I took those things as Stuff He Did To Avoid Interacting With Me. Yeah! All the stuff he was doing to show me love OFFENDED me. Ask your wife if she feels like you avoid her. From your post, it looks like she just may. You run around taking care of everything else, and when there's nothing left to do, you go to her and want sex. Like I told my husband, you can't ignore her all day long and then expect an enthusiastic sex partner. Some women may get all hot and heavy for a man who cooks and does dishes, but your wife may be like me and needs attention and touch to get in the mood.
reddog63 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I've been with my wife for 10 years but married for 5,i have read many peoples problems and sympathise with all of them.I am also suffering in a marriage without sex.My wife lives a life of luxury,i get up with the our kids every day,take them to school then go off to work myself.I then cme home grab a drink then go and pick kids up from school.Once home i then cook the dinner for the 5 of us while all the time my wife just sits on the laptop,i then wash all dinner pots have shower and sit down with her so tel me i'm not loving enough towards her Its not just about the sex its also the appreciation of looking after the entire household.I have given up coming on to her because i cant take anymore rejections,i've tried talking to her but she says she loves me and is still in love with me.I might get 1-3 kisses a day and i dont mean tongues just pecks.I am starting to get really frustrated and starting to realise that she doesnt find me attractive anymore and wish she would put me out of misery and kick me out or give me the affection i need and i think i deserve,i might be lucky and have sex once or maybe twice a month after she has huffed and puffed about it and then she takes a deep breath its going to go one way or the other.I love her to bits but cant see any love coming my way,i'm still only young and cant surely keep this up for many years to come. A guy doing this much deserves sex dont you think? Cut your loses, not likely to change.
Ponder Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Hey mate, fully sympathise with your situation. I really have to be honest with you and tell you that if everything your saying about your wife is true then she is just a selfish **** and is using you. I dont know many men at all who would do what you do for your wife. Im a really considerate husband and i do a lot of work around the house but even i dont do as much as you. She is playing a really big game with you and id also wonder who she was talking to as well on that laptop of hers. There are some very unscrupulous ppl in this world my friend and i think your married to one of them. Even the dumbest woman i know understands how important sex is to a guy in a relationship and starving you of it is just a low low act. Its how us guys show we love and we need our self esteem looked after just as much as women do. If you have tried everything you know to get her to do something about the problem and she still wont budge i.e. get some help with her labido or see a doctor about getting hormone therapy or somthing then shes obviously not in love with you.....especially if she knows how hard you are working and how much it means to you. Somtimes also with some personality defects a person may also be deliberatley torturing you or she may see that your submissiveness as a kind of weakness. Maybe its a case of having to show your masterful male side and laying down some serious laws. Who knows she may go weak at the knees and feel some fire down below if you show her your a lion with a few roars left in you. Hope this helps. cheers
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I'm curious as to why men wait for the woman to make a decision for them about things like this. Interesting. Tell you what, make her make the decision - stop doing all the work and if she was just really using you, then that'll tip the scales. If it were me, I'd have a nice long talk with her and let her know that she will start helping out around the house, unless she wants to do it all by herself as a single mom.
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