Reggie Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 That is not always true Reggie. There are some people who have been so poorly prepared for a relationship, they never took the time to really think things through and found themselves in a marriage not ready for the commitment and thus they stray. Some do something in a moment of weakness (like the guy who gets drunk and screws up). Some feel so hurt or neglected they seek either to get revenge by having an affair to get the love back or to find solace in their time of need. And some are were too weak to resist the temptation at the time. And still there are others who need that wake up shock before they realize what they are doing. It is wrong what they did, but it is not always done out of a lack of love. And only that couple can determine that. Or those who have intimate knowledge of the issues. Yes, but isn't the desire to stray or succumbing to that moment of weakness or feeling the need for revenge over perceived hurts clear evidence of the lack of love? I know I've heard WS's say that they did not want to hurt the BS and that they continued to "love" the BS. But, it seems incomprehensible to me that one would not know that by doing this he or she was going to inflict severe trauma. The willingness to inflict this type of damage to accomplish something like feeding one's desire to stray or pay someone back could not be consistent with feelings of love. Perhaps without having expierienced it him/nerself, the cheater really has no idea of the true extent of the damage, I don't know. I do know that society, in general, seems desensitized to the REAL effects of infidelity. The TV shows, movies etc that portray it gloss over the longlasting effects as it does not seem to make for good watching. I must admit, before I went through it, I understood on a superficial level that it must suck. I had no appreciation for what it is really like.
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Perhaps without having expierienced it him/nerself, the cheater really has no idea of the true extent of the damage, I don't know. I do know that society, in general, seems desensitized to the REAL effects of infidelity. You have given words to my thoughts. I really believe my husband was completely desesitized to infideliity, that he did believe his actions were in a bubble seperate from RL, that he had no idea how much pain he caused. In fact I know this. Possibly because of the circumstance, or possibly just because...I have chosen to forgive him and I think its the right choice for us. I do have to add one more thing here though that has been on my mind... He cheated. He made a mistake. It hurt me. But you know what?? No body Died!! Maybe its my dark side, maybe its the way I was brought up, maybe I've learned from life's tragedies...but for me, this is not the worst that could happen...nobody died. There is hope. We can move on.
Reggie Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I agree it may not be the worst thing that one could expierience. But, most experts agree that it is a major trauma and right up there on the list of painful expieriences. Harley has a video on this and, if you beleive what he claims his research has shown, peolle rate it very high on the pain scale. I have no expierience with recovering with a remorseful spouse. So, I do not really know what that would be like.
Planofool Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Certain aspects of the EA go away with time. The worst part is what Owl said, the Blind Trust that you gave your spouse is gone. They have to earn it back.......meanwhile I still check her phone, her email, and watch very closely now. I don't know how the trust issue gets repaired. In my wife I see someone who is so glad it doesn't get discussed anymore or doesn't want it to even think about it. How can they just put it to bed so to speak? Within months after d-day I brought something related to the EA up and she said are you still thinking about that? How can they sweep it under the carpet so quickly? Reggie, the most painful thing for me has been finding out she was not truthful about her past. I won't say she lied.........she just held out facts. So what's the big deal you ask.....that was before your time. It puts you in a mindset as to what type of woman you are with. She gave off a totally different explanation of herself for years than what was reality. After 27 yrs you realize you really don't know the woman you are married to.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I would think that the biggest challenge would be living with the knowledge that your spouse was capable of doing this to you. It is clear evidence that your spouse does not love you to the exclusion of other romantic partners, and that desire for exclusivity seems pretty hardwired in many of us. I think I'd wonder how she would act in the future when the chips are down, if I got sick or suffered a major financial setback. I would like to feel that I could rely on my spouse to ride it out and help me. Reggie - it is important to remember that Affairs have absolutely nothing to do with the Wayward spouse's feelings for his or her spouse. As a matter of fact the majority of affairs end once the other party realizes what they have risked in losing their spouse. Affairs are symptoms of other problems in a marriage - if the couple is open and honest with one another and is willing to address those issues, a true and ever-lasting love affair that goes far beyond romping sexual episodes or stolen secret moments of chit chat surrounded by lies and misconceptions could ever compare too.
DealingWDrama Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 After 27 yrs you realize you really don't know the woman you are married to. That has to be hard. Have you and your wife gone to marriage counseling yet? Have you read any marriage building books - I like 'For Better or Best' for women to read...it will help her to understand your needs and desires...I also suggest while she is reading that one, you read 'If He Only Knew' ... GReat tools. On another note, I have never been completely honest with my husband about my relationships/encounters I had with other men before him. Why haven't I? Because it's really none of his business....He asked me one time how many partners I have had....I didn't lie to him...I told him X number of unprotected partners. I didn't tell him about the 'protected' ones....AND never will. IT doesn't mean I love him any less or wouldn't trust him with my 'number' I just like the idea of him believing I'm more nunish then I am.
Planofool Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 That has to be hard. Have you and your wife gone to marriage counseling yet? Have you read any marriage building books - I like 'For Better or Best' for women to read...it will help her to understand your needs and desires...I also suggest while she is reading that one, you read 'If He Only Knew' ... GReat tools. On another note, I have never been completely honest with my husband about my relationships/encounters I had with other men before him. Why haven't I? Because it's really none of his business....He asked me one time how many partners I have had....I didn't lie to him...I told him X number of unprotected partners. I didn't tell him about the 'protected' ones....AND never will. IT doesn't mean I love him any less or wouldn't trust him with my 'number' I just like the idea of him believing I'm more nunish then I am. We went one time and she got into it with the therapist. I went one more time with that therapist by myself and have been 4 times with a new therapist by myself. When my wife and I were dating she would quiz me about my past relationships. She wanted details and I gave them to her. When the questions were addressed to her I always got the same answer. "My ex husband is the only man I have ever been with." This past year I learned that wasn't true. Had I been told the truth 27 yrs ago it would not have affected my decision to marry her, I was in love. Now she has memory problems. It's not the number of men or even the fact that there is more than her x, it's the deceit. Couple that with the 27 yrs of contact with at least three of them behind my back. If the shoe was on the other foot we would already be divorced. She has admitted that to me.
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 In the interests of not TJ'ing here, would you mind if I asked you to post an update to your thread, Plano? And thanks for thinking my advice was worth quoting at some point...hope it helps you in some way.
Reggie Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 Certain aspects of the EA go away with time. The worst part is what Owl said, the Blind Trust that you gave your spouse is gone. They have to earn it back.......meanwhile I still check her phone, her email, and watch very closely now. I don't know how the trust issue gets repaired. In my wife I see someone who is so glad it doesn't get discussed anymore or doesn't want it to even think about it. How can they just put it to bed so to speak? Within months after d-day I brought something related to the EA up and she said are you still thinking about that? How can they sweep it under the carpet so quickly? Reggie, the most painful thing for me has been finding out she was not truthful about her past. I won't say she lied.........she just held out facts. So what's the big deal you ask.....that was before your time. It puts you in a mindset as to what type of woman you are with. She gave off a totally different explanation of herself for years than what was reality. After 27 yrs you realize you really don't know the woman you are married to. I dealt with this as well, the lyimg about the past. According to my XW, she graduated college(not true) and had never been involved with a married amn(try twice that I now know of). It's par for the course for the disordered.
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