For The Betrayed Spouse Who Chose To Stay...

[Brimstone_Angel]

I am curious about surviving an affair. No, I have not had one, and I pray my morals are strong enough to prevent me from ever having one. I also have never been married. But, you know, any information and experience I glean only makes me more suited for the possible future.

 

For the betrayed spouses who chose to stay (which I first commend you on for your strength and courage).

 

 

• What did you do for yourself to get over the affair?
  
• What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship?
  
• Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven? If so, what steps helped you to regain that trust and get the marriage back on track? If not, what are you doing to get it back on track?
  
• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage?
  

[Owl]

For the betrayed spouses who chose to stay (which I first commend you on for your strength and courage).

 

 

• What did you do for yourself to get over the affair?-I learned everything I could about my wife's affair. I couldn't honestly forgive something without fully knowing the scope of what it was I was being asked to forgive. I also accepted that my wife was going to have to bear the brunt of earning the trust back...it wasn't my job to blindly trust her again.
  
• What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship?- Marriage counseling was the biggest key for us. That, learning to spend more time WITH each other, rather than just around each other, and improving our coummunication skills were the biggest keys.
  
• Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven?- Yes. If so, what steps helped you to regain that trust and get the marriage back on track? If not, what are you doing to get it back on track? -My wife had to EARN the trust back, through a couple of things. She had to DEMONSTRATE to me that she was trustworthy now. She did that by giving me free access to view all the means that she used to conduct the affair to begin with. She demonstrated true remorse and regret for the affair. She had to show me that she "got it". She also had to work with me to understand the "WHY" behind her affair, and to take measures to safeguard our marriage against any possible new affairs on her part.
  
• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage? -Again, marriage counseling was key. It provided a framework for our recovery, as well as a 'safe haven'...a place where we could discuss and work through things too difficult to address by ourselves. And...critical to our success was a long term foundation of GOOD marriage prior to her affair. We both could remember how good things COULD be between us...it gave us incentive that our marriage could recover.
  

 

My responses are bolded in the quote above.

[cyabye]

 

 

• What did you do for yourself to get over the affair?
  
• What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship?
  
• Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven? If so, what steps helped you to regain that trust and get the marriage back on track? If not, what are you doing to get it back on track?
  
• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage?
  

 

My answers to you from my personal experience:

 

1. I had to forgive (at least I tried) all involved. I confided in a pastor who is a christian counselor and family/friends.

2. I had thought our communication had improved (at least for a short time).

3. No. It was always in the back of my mind. I let my anger from the affair surface when we would fight. I always would think, how can she do this to me and our family?

4. I still loved my wife even though I did not like who she was. It was important to me to be a full time father to my children. I believed in my vows when we were married.

 

For what it's worth. I am now separated pending a divorce. As she stated, she left me again (she left more times than I care to count) due to me not treating her like a person and I was too controlling (even though I was with her almost 5 yrs after the affairs). So be it.

 

I treated her as best a I could at the time. She had a say so in everything. I never did things on my own. I tried to open up to her more times than I can remember and it was like I was talking to myself. She has no clue how much infidelity hurts a person. She takes everything her friends tell her as fact. She would let her emotions guide her actions. Never using her brain or thinking about the future or who it would hurt. She only cared about herself. Her actions proved it.

 

Yes, I was controlling. She would do things that would hurt the family. Financially and emotionally. Someone had to protect the family as a whole. Funny thing is, I may have been controlling but she always got her way and did what she wanted no matter what.

 

I have learned that my wife is broken and I cannot fix that. No matter how much I tried. I can only improve and fix myself. You see that when separated (over 9 months now).

 

I did the best I thought I was doing at the time. I would let my anger become verbally abusive (because she kept doing deceiving things and she would never be a real woman and come clean with anything even when she was caught) and it of course affected all involved. Let me say now, that I am well on my way to true peace with God, myself, my children and life in general now that I am by myself.

 

I know in my heart, I gave all that I had (commitment, financial, forgiveness, trust) and I was willing to keep trying. I never quit until I realized after she left, I was going insane. This stuff really messes you up.

 

Good luck, the road ahead is sand.

 

Cyabye

[Reggie]

My answers to you from my personal experience:

 

1. I had to forgive (at least I tried) all involved. I confided in a pastor who is a christian counselor and family/friends.

2. I had thought our communication had improved (at least for a short time).

3. No. It was always in the back of my mind. I let my anger from the affair surface when we would fight. I always would think, how can she do this to me and our family?

4. I still loved my wife even though I did not like who she was. It was important to me to be a full time father to my children. I believed in my vows when we were married.

 

For what it's worth. I am now separated pending a divorce. As she stated, she left me again (she left more times than I care to count) due to me not treating her like a person and I was too controlling (even though I was with her almost 5 yrs after the affairs). So be it.

 

I treated her as best a I could at the time. She had a say so in everything. I never did things on my own. I tried to open up to her more times than I can remember and it was like I was talking to myself. She has no clue how much infidelity hurts a person. She takes everything her friends tell her as fact. She would let her emotions guide her actions. Never using her brain or thinking about the future or who it would hurt. She only cared about herself. Her actions proved it.

 

Yes, I was controlling. She would do things that would hurt the family. Financially and emotionally. Someone had to protect the family as a whole. Funny thing is, I may have been controlling but she always got her way and did what she wanted no matter what.

 

I have learned that my wife is broken and I cannot fix that. No matter how much I tried. I can only improve and fix myself. You see that when separated (over 9 months now).

 

I did the best I thought I was doing at the time. I would let my anger become verbally abusive (because she kept doing deceiving things and she would never be a real woman and come clean with anything even when she was caught) and it of course affected all involved. Let me say now, that I am well on my way to true peace with God, myself, my children and life in general now that I am by myself.

 

I know in my heart, I gave all that I had (commitment, financial, forgiveness, trust) and I was willing to keep trying. I never quit until I realized after she left, I was going insane. This stuff really messes you up.

 

Good luck, the road ahead is sand.

 

Cyabye

Cyabye's situation is much like my own. I wonder if we were married to twins.

I think one of the things that jumps out at me is the difference between Owl's wife's character and my own XW's. Like Cyabye's, my wife had some reall other damage that predated the affairs. The spneding and irresponsibility, together with the infidelity were the signs of a personality disorder.

If your spouse is not disordred, you have a chance. He os she will take some responsibility for the choice made to cheat. The disordred just do not do that.

I gave my XW every chance to get help but she would have none of it. She had a long history of this type of behavior before I met her. I think it is critical to look at things other than the affair that demonstrate what you are dealing with before deciding to reconcile.

[misternoname]

I made the mistake of forgiving and forgetting. My reward? More cheating! You know the old saying...once a cheater always a cheater. I think there's something to that. I think there are rare occasions where a spouse screws up and genuinely tries to fix the probem. From my experience and others that I know who have dealt with infidelity, cheaters will repeat their behavior. I know for a fact that I will never tolerate cheating from a future partner.

[Dmoney28]

Hey Reggie, i was diagnosed at age 26 with stage 2 Bi-polar. I would spend lmoney like a mad man. I would get caught in these episodes. I cheated and i know for a fact that hyper sexualty contributed to it. I would have sex with my girlfriend...then masterbate 3 times a day...and stilll beg her for sex after that. I knew something was wrong with me. I finally saw a psychologist and psychiratrist. Is it a excuse?...no, but it did contribute. Its like you're in the inside looking out. Like you're strapped in a robot that does what it wants...and you feel like crap afterwards.

 

But i got help. I saw my Dr's, and got medication. I went to bi-polar suport groups And councelling. After ALOT of self help book's i knew how to control my manic and depressive episodes. And i'm a better person, now. So its only if a person wants to get better.

[Reggie]

Hey Reggie, i was diagnosed at age 26 with stage 2 Bi-polar. I would spend lmoney like a mad man. I would get caught in these episodes. I cheated and i know for a fact that hyper sexualty contributed to it. I would have sex with my girlfriend...then masterbate 3 times a day...and stilll beg her for sex after that. I knew something was wrong with me. I finally saw a psychologist and psychiratrist. Is it a excuse?...no, but it did contribute. Its like you're in the inside looking out. Like you're strapped in a robot that does what it wants...and you feel like crap afterwards.

 

But i got help. I saw my Dr's, and got medication. I went to bi-polar suport groups And councelling. After ALOT of self help book's i knew how to control my manic and depressive episodes. And i'm a better person, now. So its only if a person wants to get better.

 

Nice. I have read that Bi-polar is much more amenable to treatment than a PD.

[65tr6]

For the betrayed spouses who chose to stay (which I first commend you on for your strength and courage).

 

hmm. Mine is still fresh...Several weeks and still hurting like hell at times but able to think more clearly now. I wonder if i will have the strength and the courage to continue doing what i am doing

 

 

 

• What did you do for yourself to get over the affair?
  

Read like crazy online and books. Online - Marriagebuilders and this website. Talk about the affair with my wife...a lot...

 

What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship?

 

I have changed ! Almost overnight and everything so far looks good. I actually like it. We communicate every day...like someone said not just doing things together but actually talk, talk and more talk.

 

 

 

 

 

• Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven? If so, what steps helped you to regain that trust and get the marriage back on track? If not, what are you doing to get it back on track?
  

Nope not in my case. Not yet. I am trusting but also verifying at times. But the biggest change so far has been me being a better husband. I think she is still in a state of fog for me to even expect anything in return. We both have a put a complete STOP to all Love Busters and we take one-day at a time. We are both going through counselling.

 

 

 

 

 

• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage?
  

only one reason....I love her. What else can explain my "insane" decision to stay ??

[Brimstone_Angel]

I loved all the responses I read so far. Even the one that did not work out. I think it takes a lot of courage in this day and age of selfish wants. Very few people understand the commit involved with the vows and are so quick to leave when not happy, especially when betrayed. One of the things that showed me the true test of love and devotion was Haggar from the Bible. He was a high priest of God who, through God's own desire, married a woman of harlotry. 7 times this man would have to go down to were she would apply her trade even after her marriage. He even took care of the children he knew that was not of his.

 

While this is an extreme story (and I can understand if some of you don't believe in it), it still shows what it takes to love someone even after such a betray, which a lot of they don't get, cuts to the very spirit of a person. And, your right that in order to repair the situation, it takes ALL truth and honesty from the person. And it is demanded of them to listen and absorb EVERY last thing you tell them about the hurt and pain. And if I can assume, the reason why most of you stayed wasn't so much for the love, but because the other person listened, did not make excuses, and they fully got what you were feeling.

 

I understand that the road back is a long one. But, many of you made it, and many are still on the road to making it. I want to thank you for being the light in a dark and negative world. You are the people I look to for your experience and knowledge is priceless. Thank you for sharing with me such a personal part of your lives.

[OWoman]

Sometimes the BS chooses to stay, but the WS chooses nonetheless to leave.

[jwi71]

1) Not there yet. Its a process. I had to face myself, which isn't pretty. Who wants to admit the neglected their wife? Or took her for granted? Or didn't meet her needs? Or was so wrapped up in everything else - he failed to notice or see the "clues". Empathy I guess. Understand her view. Remind myself that if I don't work on myself, even if I D, then the same problems remain within myself. An A doesn't occur in a vacuum - so I focus on working on what's wrong within me. That's how I get through. And keep the goal in sight - heal the M by working on the only person I can- me.

 

2) MC. By far the key to our survival. His guidance and viewpoint have really helped us. We have now graduated to every other week sessions - so I'm really quite happy. Doing what the MC says. Spending time together and not "just in the same room". Finding time for each other. Making sacrifices for each other (that was tough for me at first...now, pretty easy) Change.

 

3) I have not forgiven my wife. She must earn it back. And I must allow her to earn it back.

 

4) Her effort. Not he words which are meaningless. Her actions. What she does. Her honesty. Her being open. Her being transparent.

 

Its hard work. Its draining. Its patently unfair. But so effin' what. I want to be a better H to her. I want my M to work because I do still love her. My choice. He actions.

[2sure]

Circumatances, reasons....millions of scenerios.

 

I think the biggest reason I chose to stay is also the reason the infidelity frustrated me the most.

 

Our marriage was new. We didnt need to get married at all. He wanted it even more than I did initially. Our marriage was so new, we had not yet had a chance to develop problems, take each other for granted, or even get bored.

 

I was solid. There was nothing I could have done differently to prevent his infidelity.

 

The infidelity was 100% his fault, his flaw. Had nothing to do with me or the marriage.

 

I knew he could give up his compulsive behavior, and we both knew he needed help.

 

The OW were not so much a threat to our marriage as a symptom of a problem, so I didnt take it personally on that level.

 

So far, we are recovering and I think he is happier with himself than he ever has been. I am still not 100% - but something has changed about him.

[Brimstone_Angel]

There was an article I read somewhere on the web, and I will post it here someday when I find it again... It was about which cheaters are the best to give a second chance to. And it all stems with not necessarily the action, but the cause of the action and the likelihood of it happening again. The article covered things from the drunken one nightstand to the person going through a mid-life crisis. And while I have not seen the latest results of repeat offenders, the fact that statistics shows is that not always once a cheater is always a cheater. And this includes those who had multiple or a long lasting affair BEFORE they got caught. And that is the kicker, it is the getting caught or coming to one's senses that will help determine what happens as well.

 

If I can have this question answered as well...

 

Does the number of times your spouse or ex-spouse cheated have anything to do with why you stayed or, for those who answered and the relationship did not survive, you left?

 

There really isn't a study to show how many decisions to stay or divorce just due to one infidelity or the fact there were multiple infidelities before the situation came to light?

 

I personally believe that one affair is too many, so even if the person cheated 100 times it would not matter, but the fact she would be able to do it once would be a concern.

[Owl]

If my wife were to cheat again...there would be no chance for reconciliation.

 

None.

 

I've made that crystal clear in our recovery as well.

 

I believe that one time can be a mistake. Or poor judgement...that someone can learn from.

 

I do NOT believe that twice is in anyway anything less than deliberate intent.

 

I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". I DO, however, believe that "twice a cheater, always a cheater".

[2sure]

For me, that number of times would not matter. But if it was an affair with just one person over a length of time...I dont know how willing I would have been to work through problems.

 

I also think that unless the problem is not only discovered and addressed, but that both partners think the problem can be solved....there is no hope of recovery.

 

And...If the BS cannot forgive, I think there is a greater chance of infidelity resurfacing.

[Brimstone_Angel]

...If the BS cannot forgive, I think there is a greater chance of infidelity resurfacing.

 

I could see that. But, I don't think it is fool proof. Now I do believe that if the cheating spouse was given a second chance and he or she HAVE been doing everything to set things back on track, but the betrayed spouse is not ever willing to let it go, then there is little surprise if the cheating spouse gives up and gets a divorce.

 

That is why it is so important that you forgive and forget (meaning that there has to be a time you stop treating the ex-cheating spouse like they just did it). If your not able to forget, then it would be best for all involved that you two move on. And there is no shame in that, as a matter of fact (and I understand if I am one of the only ones who believes this) the Bible says the only reason there should be for divorce is on the case of adultery. Why? Because of all the betrayals, no cuts so deep than an affair of the body and/or heart.

[Planofool]

Owl you are always full of great information. I have kept a journal from D-Day and you are quoted quite alot.

 

My situation seems so much different than others. The man that my wife had her EA with was an old boyfriend and is her 2nd cousin. Over the last 27 yrs they have traded letters and phone calls. I did not find this out until I caught them on her cell phone. So I could possibly get over the 3 months of phone calls that happened in the summer of 2007, but how do you get over 27 yrs of deceit? It also turns out she has hung onto her x husband's memory. I also found out the guy she was dating before me, who she said meant nothing to her and they were just dating, was more than just a date. He wouldn't go away and we had lot's of run in's early on. Turns out they were sleeping together and were alot more of an item than I was told. He is still in our lives today because his kids go to school with ours and he has a camp where we do etc.

 

For myself I have gone to counseling. My wife went once and got into a fight with the therapist. My therapist has likened my wife to an alcholic that doesn't drink, she shops and hoards. That ia a whole nother story.

 

I have not forgiven her.

 

In my opinion she has not done enough to be forgiven. I think we are growing apart. I am in it for the kids right now.

[DealingWDrama]

What did you do for yourself to get over the affair? I have no idea if I will ever 'get over' the affair. I just know that our relationship has the ability and power to move past this....with communicating - FINALLY - now that my H is out of the affair fog and is seeing the nasty ho for what she really was and realizing that he made a POOR decision, and with marriage counseling, and most importantly God's help we will surpass this event.

• What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship? We improve our relationship every day...talking without the affair fog or without the other woman.
  
• Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven? If so, what steps helped you to regain that trust and get the marriage back on track? If not, what are you doing to get it back on track? Forgiven, not yet. He hasn't asked for my forgiveness though he has apologized till he is blue in the face. He realizes that forgiving is going to be tricky and takes time. As far as regaining trust - I have access to everything.
  
• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage? Most important factor is that marriage is marriage - it isn't a one night stand or a secretive relationship! It's two people vowing before God that they will stand before one another and with one another no matter what. Marriage isn't a game and it isn't to be played with. Those who defy the sanctity of marriage will get there in the end - my H encluded.
  

[Brimstone_Angel]

I'm sorry to hear that Plan. Sometimes it is best to let go and move on. Yes your children will hurt, but not as much if they know you leave for your happiness sake and you and your wife can work together and WITHOUT bitterness in the raising of your children.

 

But, if you do choose to stay, don't give up on trying to recover your relationship. Much blessings to you and your family Plan.

[2sure]

[quote=DealingWDrama;1928333]What did you do for yourself to get over the affair? I have no idea if I will ever 'get over' the affair.

I feel like I'm getting over it. I am starting to sincerely feel that both my marriage AND my husband have grown and literally changed. He thinks differently, we have boundaries established, we are feeling solid.

What did you do with your spouse to improve your relationship?

Like you, we communicate every day. Learning to communicate when the infidelity was discovered, and throughout our recovery - has helped us communicate about everything.

Have you fully recovered to the point where your spouse is now forgiven? I'm not sure. It has been 1.5 years. I still ask myself sometimes if I have forgiven or justified. I'm working on this.

As far as regaining trust - I have access to everything. Same here, and he doesnt mind. In fact, I check things less and less.

• What was the most important factor for you in salvaging the marriage? Most important factor is that marriage is marriage - it isn't a one night stand or a secretive relationship! Exactly!! We have something special. A mistake, a crisis, a tragedy doesnt change that.
  

[DealingWDrama]

EXACTLY 2Sure!!!! I am amazed at how many people question why the BS actually stays in a marriage - hello, it's marriage....that isn't to say that I will ever be in this situation again...but one mistake in 13 years I think can be overlooked...with time...healing...and compassion! I am amazed by the excuses and lame duck lines the OW in my situation gave me as to why I should leave my marriage - delusional! Completely delusional!

[Brimstone_Angel]

EXACTLY 2Sure!!!! I am amazed at how many people question why the BS actually stays in a marriage - hello, it's marriage....that isn't to say that I will ever be in this situation again...but one mistake in 13 years I think can be overlooked...with time...healing...and compassion! I am amazed by the excuses and lame duck lines the OW in my situation gave me as to why I should leave my marriage - delusional! Completely delusional!

 

I, even without ever being married, understand this... But, it is good for others who are in the same boat or who might ask what to do if they were in the same boat. The truth is that, at least in America, marriage isn't really held in high regard anymore. And the true meaning and actions of love are replaced with our fast paced society. What I call our fast love habits. We want to have the chemistry right off the back. We want it to last forever without putting any effort into it. And there better be no major issues that we have to work on, or I am out of there.

 

Marriage, love, is like a well cooked meal. One has to take loving and sometimes pain staking steps in picking the approapriate combination. Have to put time and patience into preparing it. Watch it and keep up with any changes that may happen during cooking. Then, it has to be garnished and set out just right so that not only is it beautiful to the taste, but to the smell, the feel of it on the tongue, and appealing to the eye. And of course one has to have the right listening music and/or conversation to go with the meal.

 

This is love, it should be a feast to one's mind, body, and spirit.

[DealingWDrama]

Very well described Brimstone! I couldn't have said it better myself. I have to add - the rollar coaster ride, butterflies and things of that nature are terrific when you are a teenager, but HELLO - I'm far from being a teenager and actually have responsibilities....responsibilities to myself, my spouse, and our children. I HATE it when people question why I decide to stay and hate it even more when I am chastised for my decision. I wasn't raised in a turn-style household...I was raised that in a marriage people fall in love over and over again through work and by chose! Other people have business in a marriage - infedelity will stop when we learn to respect our positions are husbands and wives....either that or sexually transmitted diseases will wipe out the population of the United States

[Reggie]

I would think that the biggest challenge would be living with the knowledge that your spouse was capable of doing this to you. It is clear evidence that your spouse does not love you to the exclusion of other romantic partners, and that desire for exclusivity seems pretty hardwired in many of us.

I think I'd wonder how she would act in the future when the chips are down, if I got sick or suffered a major financial setback. I would like to feel that I could rely on my spouse to ride it out and help me.

[Brimstone_Angel]

I would think that the biggest challenge would be living with the knowledge that your spouse was capable of doing this to you. It is clear evidence that your spouse does not love you to the exclusion of other romantic partners, and that desire for exclusivity seems pretty hardwired in many of us.

I think I'd wonder how she would act in the future when the chips are down, if I got sick or suffered a major financial setback. I would like to feel that I could rely on my spouse to ride it out and help me.

 

That is not always true Reggie. There are some people who have been so poorly prepared for a relationship, they never took the time to really think things through and found themselves in a marriage not ready for the commitment and thus they stray. Some do something in a moment of weakness (like the guy who gets drunk and screws up). Some feel so hurt or neglected they seek either to get revenge by having an affair to get the love back or to find solace in their time of need. And some are were too weak to resist the temptation at the time. And still there are others who need that wake up shock before they realize what they are doing.

 

It is wrong what they did, but it is not always done out of a lack of love. And only that couple can determine that. Or those who have intimate knowledge of the issues.