mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Not sure where the hostility on this thread is coming from. She wants to work on the M, her husband does, so what's the problem? Obviously, they both think there's something worth saving here. It doesn't sound like they have some horrible marriage, just that they hit a bit of an ebb, as most long-term relationships will -- as no doubt the OP's relationship with the OM would at some point, if that ever turned into a real relationship. In terms of infidelity situations, this seems like a much more workable one than most. The hostility is because she lied and betrayed her husband and risked his health. Some people find that despicable behaviour, and people are often hostile to what they perceive as despicable. In a forum for murderers, if a murdered asks for help on how to make up for their crime, some people will give advice on how to get life back on track after release from prison, how to apologize and try to make things up to the victim's family, to society etc. Others will just condemn the murderer. The latter response is perfectly understandable IMO.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 So you're suggesting that one has to remain in a crappy long-term situation because that's how things "should" be, because putting a lot of effort is more noble than living for yourself. Surely the logical alternative in that case is to tell her husband, work on it, and if things don't get better, to divorce. Perhaps you could explain how letting another guy put his penis inside her would solve her marital problems? It doesn't seem to have done a good job so far.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 ... and so she did... for a couple of months. This is not about statistics, but a woman who felt unsatisfied for two years. She got over her husband, fell for another man, and now she is trying to repair the marriage from something that she yearns for (love with the OM) - to get something that she doesn't really want (her husband). Perhaps it's time to gather some courage and search for true happiness, whatever it is. I know an affair is not a solution, but what's with all the congrats about her getting back with her husband? I don't know how convenient a divorce would be and if the OM is married, too. I hope she can have her needs fulfilled by her husband in the time to come. Your own personal drama is clouding your judgement. At no point is it Ok, to lie and cheat. Unless you face dire consequences for your honesty, it is just simply unacceptable. Is that not how we judge ourselves and others as people? Why is it suddenly Ok to you for someone to betray the trust of others. To take advantage of someone else in such a base and disgusting way?
roadrage Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 If your husband is willing to forgive you (he shouldn't have to), just be more open and accountable in future. Most importantly, don't do it again. If you were my wife and you told me that, I'd cut you off instantly. So count yourself lucky that you have a bloody faithful and kind husband. Always remember this whenever you feel an itch down there when you see a hunk walking down the street. There's more to a product than its packaging!
pelicanpreacher Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I think she came here and asked two questions. 1) How do I get my marriage back on track after disclosing to my husband that I had an affair and 2) How do I get over these feelings I developed for the OM since the affair has ended? The answer to your questions is to lay yourself bare to your husband's roiling thoughts by providing him with absolute transparency on all of your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Admit to him the difficulty that you are having detaching emotionally from the affair but communicate to him that it is not because you want the OM but because feelings have surfaced in you that have been buried for a long time that compells you to seek answers and solice. While asking your husband for forgiveness also ask him to help you by making a few changes so that you may continue to transfer and develop these feelings for him now. Your husband's work schedule has taken him abroad and I'm wondering if his company will allow you to travel with him during this time and any other time he needs to travel in the future. Whether you know it or not his work and travel schedules are poised to be silent killers of your marriage because of the inherent separations that you'll both endure when what you really need is physical closeness to connect again. You must also show remorsefulness for your actions and refrain from pointing the finger of blame for the affair as all you'll achieve in doing so is establishing defensiveness, bitterness, and outrage from your husband as a result. Let time and work in these two areas balm your marriage and do your best to atone and cherish your husband every day so that resentment in him fails to take hold. Someday down the line, when you have restored the trust, he may reopen his heart, love, and ardor to you and then your marriage is back in business!
avenger Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I may forgive you if you told me that but dont be surprised if you have too sleep on the couch...... You will have to double time it in the relationship for it to work and be where you are supposed to be and no more sneaking around..... Now ask yourself if your husband did this to you what would you do?......
soserious1 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm wondering if the OP husband is so forgiving because he possibly has extra marital affairs himself? he's away for weeks at a time. I personally think marriage is hard ,boring and lame under the best of circumstances.. there's no way I'd want to go thru the so called healing process needed in order to stay married to a cheating partner.. I cannot fathom having to check another adult's cell phone records or read their email.. it would reduce my life to something horrible. Hat's off to you people who try to stay but I sure don't think I could manage it.
blueintheface Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 You should realise it's going to take time. Yoou might like it if your husband starts being more affectionate to take the place of the OM but truthfully everytime you touch him he's going to be thinking of how you touched the OM, every time you speak he's going to think about the mouth that's kissed the OM, everytime he touches you he's going to be thinking how the OM might have touched you in the same place or in the same way. He needs time. And every time he rejects your touch .... dont take it personally but it's just the residue that's come out of your affair. I think some things you can do are to enjoy each other's comapny without pressing physical contact so soon. I think emotions that develop are always stronger when you are in a low point in your life and someone helps you up ..... i don't think your feelings will disappear overnight but the NC so far will definitely help ....
frannie Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 A couple of years ago we seemed to drift apart, the sex more or less stopped, and with it the intimacy we had always shared. We seemed to be almost indifferent of each other's feelings. I found the attention from the OM intoxicating, and fell deeply for him in a very short period of time. I told him everything, including the fact that I thought the marriage was over and I should leave. We talked openly and honestly for what felt the first time in years, and it hit me that my husband and I do have a future, afterall. I miss the OM so much, I feel like I have a physical pain in my chest. I don't feel I can burden my husband, and as he is away I am hiding my misery. What else should I be doing to help my husband and I move on? He's been amazing. He said that he knows we have been having problems for a long time, and that this is a sympton, and that if we both work at it he knows we will recover from this and be even stronger than before. But, he is abroad again this week. I spoke to DH tonight, and it feels like the distance is growing again between us. It really doesn't help when we are so far apart. We chatted about safe things, but when I tried to ask how he was and told him I loved him he changed the subject. He's away this week, back next and then away again for two weeks..and then it's nearly Christmas. We don't seem to have any time to even start to put things right..... At the moment he's away so much, and when you do talk he's not keen on discussing feelings, so it makes me wonder how he can be so sure that you have a future and that things will work out. Something doesn't add up here. But of course he will be feeling many different emotions as a result of your revelation, perhaps saying one thing to you while thinking something completely different. And like other posters, I wonder whether he's not having an affair himself, being away so often, and his not showing any anger or jealousy..? But he calmly says yes, he can see why it happened? Practically speaking I can't see much chance of reconciliation while he won't discuss his feelings, while he's away so much, and while you are missing your OM (and wondering how he's feeling). It seems to me that the problems which led to the affair continue. And I wonder how keen your H is to fix anything, it seems to be all you (from reading what you have written here).
BentSpine Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Sweetypie, you became trustworthy when you came clean with your partner. It doesn't say anything if the two of you are good for each other, but I would definitely trust your word. You didn't mention anything that indicates that your marriage might become more satisfying.Very insightful posts by RecordProducer, they are worth reading twice, thrice and and more times. Your relationship with your partner didn't work for you: That's why you weren't satisfied within it. If you go back to being exclusive with your partner without change, you will without doubt feel the inclination to look outside again, sooner or later. If attention is diverted from the real issue, your needs not being met, to your act of seeking outside sources to meet your needs, then your current relationship won't last.
Reggie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Sweetypie, you became trustworthy when you came clean with your partner. It doesn't say anything if the two of you are good for each other, but I would definitely trust your word. Very insightful posts by RecordProducer, they are worth reading twice, thrice and and more times. Your relationship with your partner didn't work for you: That's why you weren't satisfied within it. If you go back to being exclusive with your partner without change, you will without doubt feel the inclination to look outside again, sooner or later. If attention is diverted from the real issue, your needs not being met, to your act of seeking outside sources to meet your needs, then your current relationship won't last. This is true. And, you also need to address your own issues, such as the willingness to abuse your spouse like this inresponse to your dissatisfaction. Cheaters are rarely perfect partners pre-A.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I am committed to trying to move forward to salvage what I can...but. And this is what I'm struggling with. I miss the OM so much, I feel like I have a physical pain in my chest. Please can somebody tell me if this is normal? I don't feel I can burden my husband, and as he is away I am hiding my misery. What else should I be doing to help my husband and I move on? What can you do to help you and your husband move on? You are a cheater that pines for another man. Your husband doesn't deserve this. So to really make sure you both move on, get a divorce in the works.
Wozzie Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I haven't read the other replies yet, but have to throw in my two cents. I had a very deep, caring relationship with someone ten years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I often wish I could speak to him just so I could tell him that I loved him and wish him the best. I loved two men!!!! I had to make my choice though of who I loved more and who I wanted to spend my life with, so I chose my husband. It was definitely the right call. But I still struggle with the grief of not seeing/speaking/communicating with the other guy. I don't regret walking away, but I love my sweet husband more, so...I had to say goodbye. You are going through a very, very hard time. Keep communicating with your husband and don't allow yourself to communicate with your other man. Hang in there, if you and your husband are committed then it will work. It is just torture to get through all this. Hold your head up high; you are brave, you want to reconcile your relationship, and you are a wonderful person!!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I haven't read the other replies yet, but have to throw in my two cents. I had a very deep, caring relationship with someone ten years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I often wish I could speak to him just so I could tell him that I loved him and wish him the best. I loved two men!!!! I had to make my choice though of who I loved more and who I wanted to spend my life with, so I chose my husband. It was definitely the right call. But I still struggle with the grief of not seeing/speaking/communicating with the other guy. Then you shouldn't be married. Your husband, knowingly or not, shouldn't have to put up with you pining for another man.
Wozzie Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Then you shouldn't be married. Your husband, knowingly or not, shouldn't have to put up with you pining for another man. Whether or not I "should" be married is between me and my husband. Whether or not I have feelings for someone else that I DO NOT ACT UPON has no bearing on my commitment to my husband. I wasn't asking for your opinion but was merely showing support for the OP. So back off.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Whether or not I "should" be married is between me and my husband. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that its perfectly acceptable to be married to someone and pine for someone else. My bad. Whether or not I have feelings for someone else that I DO NOT ACT UPON has no bearing on my commitment to my husband. Yes, it does. Because your heart doesn't belong solely to your husband. And of course you don't think so, since you are the one doing it. I wasn't asking for your opinion but was merely showing support for the OP. So back off. Its a public forum.
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