frannie Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 If that's how the MP sees it, it doesn't matter what anyone else calls it. The OP has to do SOMETHING in order to get the MP to act in most cases, ultimatum, stand, break, break-up, push, pull, coercion, persuasion, passive-aggressive manipulation, tears, arguments, something. Or all of them at one time or another Going back to my first post, no OP wants to 'make' a MP have an affair with them, and they don't. So why do so many OP's end up having to make the MP act? If the OP knew going into an affair that one day they would have to 'make' the MP decide to change their relationship status and that the decision would definitely NOT come organically from the MP, would so many OP's get into the affair? I certainly wouldn't have! It's like you say here: MP sell their affair partners a bill of goods in the beginning. "My marriage is dead, we sleep in separate rooms, it's really over, blahdeblah." What they don't add is "but despite all that, I'll never leave on my own unless you do something to compel me to leave." And even then, it's not a guarantee. Exactly. That's what I was sold. If I'd known I was signing up for the 'change of heart' that came about when he REALLY thought about what he was doing I'd never have got into it! I'm not saying these men deliberately mislead, necessarily, I think there really is a huge difference between wanting out and doing it. HUGE. It's not just those having affairs, though. You hear over and over about how people know their marriage is dead way before they act. It seems like it regularly takes years to pull the trigger, and that goes for women and men equally, whether or not there's someone on the 'outside'. He's betraying his own marriage vows with his W. And he's not making or keeping any commitments to his OW. He's treating both of them quite shoddily. And they're both letting him get away with it. I'd really like to see more women grow some balls here -- on both sides of the fence, BW's and OW's alike! C'mon, it's your own life he's ruining! Are you really going to just sit there and take it?? The trouble is that for a lot of OW, when you start talking like that you're bringing in complications. You begin to sound like the 'homewrecker' with all that that entails. You go into it hearing about 'my marriage is dead', and then all of a sudden you find yourself arguing that he 'should leave'... errr what happened there? Months back he was arguing with me that he had 'nothing' to keep him at home and all of a sudden the roles have switched??? Hm. I don't WANT to be arguing with a bloke that he 'needs to leave because he's showing a bad example to the kids by staying'. It all gets into very dodgy moral grounds there and I'm not into it. So you back off. At least, I should say, that's what kept happening to me. The default isn't 'fight for him/us' it's back off, because there's a marriage there and kids, and what the hell business is it of mine? I think it's that, rather than 'gutlessness' that makes it hard to fight your corner. Plus add in all the stuff others have said about the fine line between push and pull, the problems with ultimatums, and for me, the killer: IF he leaves and it doesn't work out, do I want to live with the guilt of having 'split up a marriage', and his ending up living in a dive and not seeing his kids? Errr no. Trouble is, women tend to be the movers and shakers in relationships, and all these factors count against the OW and make most of us back off at one time or another.
Cliche Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I did everything with my partner over a period of a year and a half to get him to leave....begged, plead, demanded, cried, threatened...nothing worked. Then, when I was just too sick and tired with that portion of my life being unhappy, I stopped worrying about what he did and made a decision for me and me alone. I didn't ask him to do anything. I simply said I'd never be a complete person as long as I was with a married man. I wanted my life back and I intended to get it back starting right then. I meant it. He knew I meant it. He left his wife and moved in with me 2 weeks later. Now he's divorced, we've been together happily for almost a year and we're raising a beautiful family together. So, to answer the OP, yes, I think the married individual, if s/he is even going to leave, needs to understand that their choice must be made before they make it. But it requires the OP to truly start living life for him or herself and not just throwing out ultimatums.
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