Once a guy moves on mentally and emotionally there is no changing his mind

[amandaparker503]

I just read the Title to this thread in a response from Caliguy.

My gosh is tihs really true, Once a guy checks out emotionally and mentally then there is no hope.

 

I am having a crap time these last few days. I have been so strong but 4 months in , maybe it is because i am starting to see there is no going back , maybe i am just never going to move on.

 

I dont know, i dont understand why i feel the need to keep a burning wish for this guy to want me back, he has been nuthing but nasty to me.

 

I made contact as you will see from my posts here today and yesterday. Being ignored by someone , cuts like a knife, i did nothing wrong.

 

I dont think like Caliguy says he checked out , as we had just been on holiday and he was very touchy feeling, loving and even asked me to contact him that evening and said he had a great time etc. Wanted my kid a week earlier etc, so when the hell did he check out.

 

I dont get it, to me i thought the fact he could not talk to me, would not respond to my emails and texts and could not even look me in the eye, meant he was hurting real bad. I just dont get why if he loved me that much he would want to throw it away. He is one strong minded person anyway, he always said he never lets people back in once they are gone.

 

AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i just feel so upset and i feel stupid for contacting him this week and i feel sad that we cant even talk to each other anymore. Its so nasty and horrible

[Nikki Sahagin]

Once anyone checks out there's no going back. This could be a good rather than a bad thing for you. The book is closed, no more chapters. There's a line drawn under it. There's closure. Some people break up with us and give us excuses or say things that leave things up in the air making the decision to move on a slow and relucant, what if type of scenario. In this case you KNOW there's no going back so you have no choice but to either stop...or move on. But go back? No that can't be done. You are forced to keep going. In a way that's much better than being stuck in limbo and having to make that conscious effort to keep walking. Try to see it as a warped kind of blessing. You can do this.

[Geishawhelk]

Get this straight - women do the same thing.

The amount of complaints from guys about their exs behaving in exactly the same way....

 

Everybody's guilty of it, regardless of gender.

 

They leave the relationship - and the other person - high and dry.

They walk out, request no contact - then keep contacting their ex- for trivial reasons.

They claim they love "you" but can't leave their married partner.

They claim they're faithful - then it turns out they've been sleeping around.

Or 'advertising' on Facebook/Myspace.

 

"For "they", read gal OR guy!!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Yeah - the number of people on this site that blame all women and all men for their situation. An equal amount of men and women on here are going through the same problem. It's just human nature in general coming out - the uglier aspects that is. And because people are burned and hurt they blame the whole gender. Trust me - we are all capable of this.

[sailing]

True, women do this as well as men. But not everybody acts this way - only some people do. The other part of the population - be it men or women - always seem to end up with most of, if not all, the hurt. The perpetrators have moved on with their unrealistic expectations, leaving their issues behind for now, keeping their eyes on the prize. It's almost as if they strike a deal with the devil - no wonder they can't look you in the eye.

[sedgwick]

My heart goes out to you. One day before he dumped me, my ex called me three times to make sure I was coming to his show that night. When I got there, he was smiling at me from the stage, to the point that a friend said, "He loves you so much." After the show we went out to celebrate my brand-new book deal, and came home and had great sex, during which he told me he loved me. He fell asleep holding me. And then, when we woke up, over breakfast, he told me he needed to be with another musician -- nobody he actually knew, just some musician in his head -- and he dumped me. This was SEVEN HOURS later.

 

I don't get how guys can do this. I really don't. It's totally baffling to me.

[Nikki Sahagin]

We as people are all capable of the same...

 

...but we do fall into categories.

 

I.e. some are victims, some are helpers, some are hunters.

 

some are givers, some are takers

 

some are fixed, some are mutable

 

some are tryers, some give up

 

some are hopeless romantics, some are just opportunists

 

some are healers, some are poisonous

[carhill]

IMO, when a man loves at the elemental level and this is evident in his behavior and actions and. for whatever reason, that love dies and he detaches that elemental love and connection, it is likely non-recoverable. I know, for me, it's like the third dimension disappears and the person blends back into the background noise of the world, becoming what they once were, human and insignificant.

 

I won't speak for women because I have no idea how they process such things. OP, if you're in this situation, clarify it for yourself and move on. That's my advice. Sorry about that....

[Trialbyfire]

Most people check out emotionally and mentally. It's called letting go and moving on. There's a rare few who never let go and IMO, emotionally unhealthy for the individual.

 

Once someone has gotten to this stage, there's no use in trying to hold something that doesn't want to be held. You're only hurting yourself.

[amandaparker503]

The book is closed, no more chapters. There's a line drawn under it. There's closure. Some people break up with us and give us excuses or say things that leave things up in the air making the decision to move on a slow and relucant, what if type of scenario. In this case you KNOW there's no going back so you have no choice but to either stop...or move on. But go back? No that can't be done. You are forced to keep going. In a way that's much better than being stuck in limbo and having to make that conscious effort to keep walking.

 

I see what you are saying but for me i do not see this as a clear cut decision and maybe that is where i am going wrong. The thing is we split in May and he did the same, said no contact ever , he didnt love me and wanted to move on. I kept up the contact at that point, text him a lot, saw him a lot, but he still said no way. Then he got jealous of the fact i was going to go on a date(despite him telling me he was with a new girl) and he begged me back. Then from May till Auguest, he told me everyday how he wont forgot how i took him back, looked after him, he is so happy to be back with me and that he always wanted to get back with me but wouldnt allow himself and that the loved me like no other.

 

So for me moving on this time is just so hard , as he is saying the same things, but this time i am not contacting him and asking him back, i am letting him be. but i feel in my heart again like last time that he does not mean it. I also was was dumped out of the blue this time and this again is not a clear cut split, i think what if all the time, what if i hound him, what if what if.

The fact that the last split was so alike this one has left me a utter mess. I guess though the difference this time is he wont talk to me at all when he sees me face to face , why? Why go from talking to nothing? I am a adult i can always say hi? I think it is because he still has feelings?? or the fact he is embarrassed for the way he treated me and the pain he caused.

I just feel he has made it hard for me to move on

And my god i try.

I am also hurting right now as i feel i have handed back to him that i still care, do you think he will read that into the fact i contacted it? even though it wasnt about me and him.

[amandaparker503]

IMO, when a man loves at the elemental level and this is evident in his behavior and actions and. for whatever reason, that love dies and he detaches that elemental love and connection, it is likely non-recoverable. I know, for me, it's like the third dimension disappears and the person blends back into the background noise of the world, becoming what they once were, human and insignificant.

 

I won't speak for women because I have no idea how they process such things. OP, if you're in this situation, clarify it for yourself and move on. That's my advice. Sorry about that....

 

Sorry what is elemental level? and what is IMO. Thanks

[amandaparker503]

Why would someone want to get to that stage when they tell you they love you so much though. Yes we had problems but i was willing to work at them, he loved me so much and wanted everthing to work, but said he was tired of the rollercoaster rider and just thought we were delaying the fact we would split one day ! Yet it was him that lead me into this bubble of thinking he loved me so much and would never leave and that we would always work out our problems , that he never let anyone into his heart like me and that he would never let me go, that people were jealous of how we where together!(what!) and that he wants my child and loves my son and loves it that i accept his 3 children.

Oh i am losing it again, i feel so weak after 4 months of doing great

[Trialbyfire]

amanda, do you have no choices in life? Does shyte just happen to you? Is life only a one-way street where everyone else drives you or can you personally stop the rollercoaster ride?

[carhill]

Sorry what is elemental level? and what is IMO. Thanks

Elemental = the essential soul and spirit of a person; a point and position where the other (person who is loved) is as one or equal importance to the person as they and their needs are to themselves.

 

IMO= In My Opinion

[RecordProducer]

As Nikki said, it goes for anyone. But I don't think this is what necessarily happened with your guy.

I dont know, i dont understand why i feel the need to keep a burning wish for this guy to want me back, he has been nuthing but nasty to me.

We always want to reconcile until the day WE have moved on, at least mentally, if not emotionally. This is also an ego thing: we want the validation - once rejected, we wish that feeling to be undone.

I dont think like Caliguy says he checked out , as we had just been on holiday and he was very touchy feeling, loving and even asked me to contact him that evening and said he had a great time etc. Wanted my kid a week earlier etc, so when the hell did he check out.

No, he is not over you yet. Why did he break up with you?

 

I just dont get why if he loved me that much he would want to throw it away.

Because people don't just need to love; they need to love themselves when they're with someone.

He is one strong minded person anyway, he always said he never lets people back in once they are gone.

Well, he shouldn't; there's a reason why they're gone, right?

[amandaparker503]

amanda, do you have no choices in life? Does shyte just happen to you? Is life only a one-way street where everyone else drives you or can you personally stop the rollercoaster ride?

 

I have spent 2 months making new choices and no shyte does not just happen to me.

Like i said i have picked myslef up and moved on , i mean i even have the strong head and heart to face this god dam guy twice a week and stand in his kickboxing class and let him teach me.

 

Can i stop the rollercoaster ride: I really want to , i do , but it comes back and speeds up before my very own eyes. I was doing great , but now doing shyte.

I am sad.

[EmperorR]

eh women are the same Friday I love you so much your the world I'll die without you, Monday screwing some herb.

[Trialbyfire]

I have spent 2 months making new choices and no shyte does not just happen to me.

Like i said i have picked myslef up and moved on , i mean i even have the strong head and heart to face this god dam guy twice a week and stand in his kickboxing class and let him teach me.

 

Can i stop the rollercoaster ride: I really want to , i do , but it comes back and speeds up before my very own eyes. I was doing great , but now doing shyte.

I am sad.

Have you walked away now from his kickboxing class? Why did you continue going?

 

I'm not going to let you sink back into it. YOU have choices. YOU can stop this rollercoaster ride. YOU also have to ask yourself why it was a rollercoaster ride. What were the dynamics that caused the ups and downs?

[amandaparker503]

Elemental = the essential soul and spirit of a person; a point and position where the other (person who is loved) is as one or equal importance to the person as they and their needs are to themselves.

 

IMO= In My Opinion

 

Thanks, i think he he defo loved me like that , i really do , despite finding him on myspace etc , i still think i was so important to him. So i guess from what you are saying is , he has now just put it away for what ever reason , and that will remain his choice and his reason I will never know.

It hurts like hell , i feel that despite movin on for the 4 months i have , i have kinda thought it might just work out and we get back. I am wondering if i am now seeing that it is actually OVER. No reply from text,no eye conact, no nothing..he really could not make it any clearer ahey.

I feel sorry for myself maybe, the person who got hurt and is finding it hard to move on, the one who dumped is the one shining and enjoying his life.

 

Ego/pride/love..it all hurts me right now.

I never knew pain like this and i guess we all want to know why someone who loved us so much would want us to hurt so much.

[amandaparker503]

Have you walked away now from his kickboxing class? Why did you continue going?

 

I'm not going to let you sink back into it. YOU have choices. YOU can stop this rollercoaster ride. YOU also have to ask yourself why it was a rollercoaster ride. What were the dynamics that caused the ups and downs?

 

 

I still go as i was not going to let him take away one of my loves in life.

No way. I want to do my black belt with the WUMA as it is the hardest blackbelt grading ever. It is the only kickboxing club in the area and being a single mum new to the area , it is my social life.

 

I have made new friends , its hard, but i am doing it.

I have been crying a lot today thinking do i cut from this club.

Do i give it up. I just am scared to. My son is so proud of his mummy doing kickboxing and i am training so hard as i want to compete in a fight, but guess what, he now doesnt give me any help.

I found a club on Friday , half hour away and i went. It was good , they were impressed with me and said they would train me up , would take a year to get me ready to fight. The only problem being is they do not do MMA gradings.

Does that sound a crap reason, i am 100% sure i am not there for my ex. I was doing it before we became involved.

I would miss the social side to it, i chat to the people there and am starting to build out of club friendships with them, but that again takes time

 

At the begining i caused the ups and downs, as i would not let him into my life totally and i blamed myself for the split. We would argue and he would dump me and then come back with major kiss and make up.

Now months on i see that he was controlling me, I had to text him all the time, he went down my phone and accussed me of seeing another guy(i dont know anyone in the area!) and he would just be very much in my face. He said i shouldnt let me sons dad come into the house as i was confusing my son and that i was wrong do this. At the end of the realtionship i just felt so confused, i felt so down , didnt think it was his fault , i blamed myself for pushing him away all the time, but now i see all i was doing was trying to find a bit of breathing space. I gave all my spare time to him, hellpded him out when he was stressed at work, went through his daughter birth with him(he left his wife to be with me ,he called me 3 days after we met to say he left her..after 13 years!) , we went through his job break down, people not knowing about us until the birth of his daughter, i used to look after his kids and i just did my best by him. All the time i find out he was on myspace with other girls , chatting to them , calling them sexy etc...Yet being as he was so obessive over me , always with me when he could be, i would never imagine for one second he would be on myspace, but now in hindsight , when his blackberry went off at night, it wasnt work, it would have been a email from a girl.

I am going off on one, but what i see if why the hell should i want this guy..but i do. no sense can be made of it for me at the mometn

Sorry x

[amandaparker503]

As Nikki said, it goes for anyone. But I don't think this is what necessarily happened with your guy. We always want to reconcile until the day WE have moved on, at least mentally, if not emotionally. This is also an ego thing: we want the validation - once rejected, we wish that feeling to be undone. I think you might be very right here, i am rejected, but also sad to lose a guy who i loved.

 

No, he is not over you yet. If he isnt , he is one hard faced bloke , but like i said maybe that is why he ignores me totally. I cause him to much pain.

 

Why did he break up with you? Well , he said we were delaying the fact we would split one day anyway. He was tied of the ups and downs. But in hindsight , it was him causing them. If we argured , he would end the relationship , lay into me about all my faults, not talk to me for a day , and i would text him like mad and say all nice things and next day he would be wanting a big kiss and make up, like all dramatic. I think we were both worn out of it. He dumped me a week before we split, said he had gone down my phone and say a x to a guy mate of mine. The accussed me of having an affair and said it was over and that we will never recover.

I dont know any males in this area , other than my husband and kickboxing chums, he knows all of these people , and i am the most honest person ever, so i was stunned. The text message was to a very old school mate(yer guy) who i have known for 20 years and he even knew about him, as i had talked about my past school days. So anyway , i beg him back via text (which he said to me was always predictable, he knew that anytime we argued i would text him like mad) and he said no, but the very next day he comes to get me in the gym, walks up to me, starts crying and begs me back , tells me to look at him , he needs to feel my love and breaks down saying he wants my kid. So we get back. There you go!

I am worn out by this point and tell him so , i said we can not argue like tihs anymore and that next time he needs to talk to me rather than dump me, He was cool with that. But we go on holiday with his kids and my son and get back and wham bam dumped!

[Trialbyfire]

How much longer will it take for you to accomplish what you need to accomplish with your kickboxing? I like that you've taken the initiative to find another club to improve with. It sounds like you're going to have to straddle both clubs for awhile until you get where you need to go. If your ex refuses to help in a passive-aggressive manner, is there anyone who you can file a complaint to, in order to get some help? Are there no other instructors who can help you, within the same club?

 

Okay, you're working your way through this. Don't let today affect your forward momentum. You can clearly see that he's terrible for you. Also, you need to accept that in bowing to his wishes, you enable him to control you. I'll bet that each time you fought, he withdrew and then you folded. You can clearly see the cycle. There's no way in the world you should want to have anything to do with someone like this. He'll only kill your self-esteem, more and more.

[carhill]

The real disconnection is when you're with the person and feel nothing. My friend likened it to "making her grocery list" while her husband was having sex with her. Sadly, I know what that feels like. It's a bit embarrassing as well, as I formerly thought I'd never be capable of such neutrality of emotion. I've been the recipient of it many times but such is new for me.

 

Hope you find your path

[RecordProducer]

Why did he break up with you? Well , he said we were delaying the fact we would split one day anyway. He was tied of the ups and downs. But in hindsight , it was him causing them. If we argured , he would end the relationship , lay into me about all my faults, not talk to me for a day , and i would text him like mad and say all nice things and next day he would be wanting a big kiss and make up, like all dramatic. I think we were both worn out of it. He dumped me a week before we split, said he had gone down my phone and say a x to a guy mate of mine. The accussed me of having an affair and said it was over and that we will never recover.

I dont know any males in this area , other than my husband and kickboxing chums, he knows all of these people , and i am the most honest person ever, so i was stunned. The text message was to a very old school mate(yer guy) who i have known for 20 years and he even knew about him, as i had talked about my past school days. So anyway , i beg him back via text (which he said to me was always predictable, he knew that anytime we argued i would text him like mad) and he said no, but the very next day he comes to get me in the gym, walks up to me, starts crying and begs me back , tells me to look at him , he needs to feel my love and breaks down saying he wants my kid. So we get back. There you go!

I am worn out by this point and tell him so , i said we can not argue like tihs anymore and that next time he needs to talk to me rather than dump me, He was cool with that. But we go on holiday with his kids and my son and get back and wham bam dumped!

Urgh.. he reminds me of my husband a little bit.

 

Anyhoo, your guy is a drama king! The first thought that crossed my mind when you said he accused you of cheating was: ha! he wants her to beg him to trust her. He knows very well you never cheated, he knows you're always honest. He's full of sh*t. Yes, he is lying! If you accuse your neighbor of stealing your flowers and you know they didn't - that's a plain good ole fat lie, my dear. It's not enough for him that you love him; he wants to create drama in which you will ardently fight for him - probably something that he never had as a child. He likely had strict parents or something.

 

This is not about your male friend or this or that. This is about his personality. he is screwed up in the head and there's nothing you can about it. He always pulls the same crap on you expecting the same response from you - to chase after him. For once, don't do it. Ignore him completely. If he calls, don't answer. If he approaches you, be cold and merciless.

 

In your mind, try to understand that he is a bad apple and you don't need this drama in your life. He might change his behavior under pressure, but he will never change his mindset and crippled emotional structure. He'll find other ways to perform his passive-aggressive tricks on you. While you're thinking how to resurrect the relationship, he's watching closely for any material you might give him that would make it easier for him to abuse you mentally and emotionally. His only agenda is to have you constantly, not on your toes, but - on your knees!

 

My advice: run for the hills from this guy.

[amandaparker503]

Urgh.. he reminds me of my husband a little bit.

 

Anyhoo, your guy is a drama king! The first thought that crossed my mind when you said he accused you of cheating was: ha! he wants her to beg him to trust her. He knows very well you never cheated, he knows you're always honest. He's full of sh*t. Yes, he is lying! If you accuse your neighbor of stealing your flowers and you know they didn't - that's a plain good ole fat lie, my dear. It's not enough for him that you love him; he wants to create drama in which you will ardently fight for him - probably something that he never had as a child. He likely had strict parents or something.

 

This is not about your male friend or this or that. This is about his personality. he is screwed up in the head and there's nothing you can about it. He always pulls the same crap on you expecting the same response from you - to chase after him. For once, don't do it. Ignore him completely. If he calls, don't answer. If he approaches you, be cold and merciless.

 

In your mind, try to understand that he is a bad apple and you don't need this drama in your life. He might change his behavior under pressure, but he will never change his mindset and crippled emotional structure. He'll find other ways to perform his passive-aggressive tricks on you. While you're thinking how to resurrect the relationship, he's watching closely for any material you might give him that would make it easier for him to abuse you mentally and emotionally. His only agenda is to have you constantly, not on your toes, but - on your knees!

 

 

My advice: run for the hills from this guy.

 

You have really summed up the whole thing and i do understand and see it and the most part i was getting over him. I guess i am not completely there yet. I wear my heart and love proud. If i hurt why should i hide it, if i love why should i hide it and in this mans case , he took advantage of me for his own emotional kicks.

I will value the fact he loved me and i know that physcially and sexually i am his kinda woman, i know that one touch would be enough and again i think that is why he cut me off so cold, to not allow himself to give into that side of our relationship.

I try to not hate him, but i think you are kinda right, i need to stop wanting him back and holding out hope, i need to see him for waht he is and run for the hills like you said!

I do run! , but no hills around here! lol.

 

The mad thing is , i am a great girl, i am studyiing hard for my own self employment career for son and my future, i am hard working , i dont groan being a single parent, i get on with my sons father for the sake of our son, and everyone commends us on it. I am a fit good looking girl (so i am told!) and i love my son and give my son my world. And all because for the first time in my life , i let someone into my life and heart and they tread all over my confidence, i became a reck, i mean i totally lost every ounce of confidence and i guess the i am just riding the waves of getting back on my feet.

 

I at least have my confidence back and my values and beleifs and no one is taking them again.

 

Thank you so much and eveyone who has replied, you have given me a lift at this point in my journey and i will use your advice wisely.

 

Take care and heres to good love!

x