Nikki Sahagin Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 1. Because you remain head over heels in love with that person. They are your soulmate, the one, your childhood sweetheart. You can't picture being with anyone else. They are the person that you want to share the journey of life with. 2. You are dedicated and committed to making the relationship work. You love them but differently to how you first did. You take the up's with the down's, the high's with the lows, the smooth with the rough and in the end you know it's worth it. 3. For the kids. You are devoted to being a father/mother and for you it's of upmost importance to keep the family unit intact. There are no truly negative reasons which would prompt you to leave i.e. violence or affairs. But it's vital to keep the family together. That is your commitment now - to your kids. 4. For public appearances. Maybe you are in an arranged marriage or maybe you see divorce as a failure. Either way you are keeping your marriage going for someone else. 5. It's not convienient for you to divorce i.e. financially and so on. 6. You are scared to start again and reluctant to get back into the dating scene. Perhaps you feel no-one else would want you or everyone has too much baggage these days. Better the devil you know... 7. Other. Please elaborate. Just want to get a general idea
JackJack Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I would say a combo of #1 and #2. I got married a little later in life, and just reached our one year mark back in May.
Touche Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Well for me it's a combination of one and two and to a lesser degree, number three. We've been married for 13 years. I get along better with him than I've ever gotten along with another human being. It's true. That's a huge part of it for me. I mean just getting along with people seems like such a challenge sometimes, you know? And of course it does help if you're married to your best friend.
2sure Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 For me it is #1 and #2. However, I would like to add that the other reasons you have listed, while alone are not valid - I do think that a combination of reasons 3 - 7 can come into play at various times during the evolution of a marriage. For example, say a marriage is at low point, a lull, a phase - and partners stay for the kids - then the phase passes and they are in love all over again with or without the kids. Sometimes the lesser, non valid reasons , are the ones that keep us from making a knee jerk reaction when reasons #1 or #2 are on shaky ground for the moment.
quankanne Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 #2 – am committed to our marriage, even when I want to pinch his head off, or worse, I can't understand why it's gotten to a certain stage and we're still here. I think the "fake it 'til you make it" saying rings true then ...
me4u2 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 At the moment, I'd go with 3 and 6. Loosely on both though. 3, for the kid yes, but the whole sticking around if it was violent, no way. 6, fear in general, I wouldn't agree with baggage or whatever, but just a generalized fear of the unknown.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Good question! I haven't got a freaking clue. Put me down for "stubborn".
Curmudgeon Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 #2, a bit of #5 and a pinch of #6 --no fear but a decided reluctance. Too damn much work!
Walk Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Usually #2, with sprinkles of #1 strewn throughout. I don't believe in the whole "soulmate" thing though. My H ROCKS!!!! Greatest man on the face of the planet. My previous marriage was more 4, 5, and 6. Mostly 4. I hated the thought of failure. It was admitting defeat by divorcing my exH. I'd failed at sustaining a relationship, and it took me a long time to finally accept that it was healthier for me to let it go.
Tony T Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 My H ROCKS!!!! Greatest man on the face of the planet. You are married to the greatest man on the planet. You have a close to perfect marriage, yet you have more than 4,000 posts on LoveShack. Without reading them I imagine that you feel you have a lot of great advice to give to those not as fortunate as yourself. Could you please start a new thread and tell the world concisely how you found the greatest mate and how you maintain your relationship? PLEASE! Now back to the original topic.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 My marriage is a #2 casserole, with a pinch of #1, a tablespoon of #3, sprayed the pan with #5 and spiced it up with #7 (after 20 years, the sex is still good ) ... Mr. Lucky
Penthouse_Suite Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Because neither of us can imagine a life without the other. Even if there were "others"; We know that that we are on a track in life that includes "US", and that is VERY sexy to both of US..... Yes, we are married and smooching and loving and on our way to bed:love:....
soserious1 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I'm now in the process of divorce but stayed married for as long as I did because I took the vows seriously, felt that by breaking those vows I'd be basically admitting that my word, my promises were worthless trash.
JamesM Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 #1 through #5. And the number that may be most prominent varies. For example, some days I love her to bits and cannot imagine life without her. Yet other days, it is the commitment to her and the kids that keep me going. As has been said, having 3, 4 and 5 as part of the reasons makes them additional to the others. They can be the glue that keeps the commitment going to reach the point where #1 is again prominent. Without numbers 1 and 2, then marriages would be joyless.
Curmudgeon Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I'm now in the process of divorce but stayed married for as long as I did because I took the vows seriously, felt that by breaking those vows I'd be basically admitting that my word, my promises were worthless trash. That approach kept me going in a 25-year marriage for twice as long as I should have. However, I really don't have any regrets. Sometimes a bad experience like that can make everything that comes after so much more precious and enjoyable.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 As has been said, having 3, 4 and 5 as part of the reasons makes them additional to the others. They can be the glue that keeps the commitment going to reach the point where #1 is again prominent. Without numbers 1 and 2, then marriages would be joyless. James, I agree and that's why staying in a joyless marriage "for the kids" doesn't work. If you have the glue without the structure, well then you just have...a bucket of glue. Doesn't provide much shelter or comfort for anyone involved and it's about as productive as trying to survive underwater by holding your breath. Sooner or later, something will have to give... Mr. Lucky
angryyoungman70 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 James, I agree and that's why staying in a joyless marriage "for the kids" doesn't work. If you have the glue without the structure, well then you just have...a bucket of glue. Doesn't provide much shelter or comfort for anyone involved and it's about as productive as trying to survive underwater by holding your breath. Sooner or later, something will have to give... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky you are a very wise man. I was staying for #3. My kids and I have a much better relationship since I left, which is a direct result of me re-discovering my dignity, self-esteem, and above all, confidence. I am happier now that I ever have been. Sooner or later James, you will see that life really is too short to be in a joyless relationship. Good luck.
JamesM Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Sooner or later James, you will see that life really is too short to be in a joyless relationship. Good luck. I am not in a joyless relationship. But the question becomes...if today is joyless, then does that mean tomorrow will be the same? Or perhaps with a change in our lives or marriages, then we will have more joy than before? And that is when the kids do become important as a way to keep that commitment alive.
annieo Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Not every day is going to be joyful; then joy would become meaningless. But when the days turn into months and years ... well, eventually, you have to state the time of death. But unless you are truly mismatched and miserable, I think that if the kids keep you together, then hang onto that source of shared life. Lately, we've been going through a blah patch. In a bit of a rut. But I don't love him any less, and I still feel that #1 is true for us. But right now, I'm operating on #2. He's my best friend. While the fireworks aren't going off on a regular basis, we still get along very well. And hopefully we'll have a 4th of July moment sometime soon.
BKLovesWho Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I married on the rebound she had an abortion I felt guilty because of religion. Tried this weekend to end it oh what drama. Wife freaked out kids freaked out. Wife wants to change so do kids. I am stuck will try again if doesn't work will wait till and plan it better. Can't split while still living in house. I need an exit strategy.
soserious1 Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 That approach kept me going in a 25-year marriage for twice as long as I should have. However, I really don't have any regrets. Sometimes a bad experience like that can make everything that comes after so much more precious and enjoyable. Oh I heartily regret my decision to marry and I'll be getting many chances to revisit and reflect on that regret over the years each time I want to buy something or do something expensive and find I can't because I've got to make my alimony payments. I also don't suffer any sort of delusions about better things to come. I now get to pay and pay for my poor choice making,each month writing a hefty check that decreases my standard of living and improving his. The one very important thing I have learned is that relationships are quite costly across all areas, emotionally,physically and fiscally and that I don't feel that what a man could offer me would in any way be worth sacrificing anything in those areas ever again. My relationships will be pleasant and fun but they will not be exclusive nor will they be long term. Knowing what you don't want is actually a gift in and of itself I think.
Curmudgeon Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 I also don't suffer any sort of delusions about better things to come. I now get to pay and pay for my poor choice making,each month writing a hefty check that decreases my standard of living and improving his. I did that. I paid alimony until the ex remarried and also paid child support for 11 years; most of them for two children. Unlike you, I always believed that better things would come and they did and they continue to. The best of them is no longer being with that person and having them in my life (all five children are now adults). Knowing what you don't want is actually a gift in and of itself I think. I couldn't agree more. Knowing what I didn't want helped direct me to what I did. It all turned out to be a valuable learning experience.
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