Affair with possible pregnancy

[Marcus P.]

Now I'm going to sound like a bad guy in this forum, but I do need some advice.

 

I am 30yrs old, and I've been having an affair with a married woman for 4 months.

 

I know her relationship with her husband is over. However they still live in the same house, but they do sleep in seperate rooms, and they do not have sex, so far as I know.

 

She is much older than me, 43, they were a classic case of, she got pregnant at a young age, 17, and they got married because back than, that's what people did when they got pregnant out of wedlock. Over the next 9 years they had 4 boys the oldest being 25 now and her youngest being 16.

 

Her husband is very distant, and a workaholic whom does nothing for their children and leaves all the responsibility on her. Only her youngest son still lives at home the other 3 are moved out. They've been married for 25 years, ten years ago they seperated for a time, but decided to get back together for the sake of their kids.

 

As I said above their relationship is just a shadow now, and their more like glorified roomates. I met her two and a half years ago, and for the first year and a half we were just friends, and infact she was trying to set me up with her sister. However, eventually something changed and I started to develop feeling for her, as she did for me. Now were having a full blown affair, we've had sex 3 times in the 4 months we've been together, and we haven't been using protection, but I have always pulled out.

 

However, recently her attitude towards me seems to have changed, and it all started when she got in a car accident a couple weeks ago, and had to go to the hospital to get and ultrasound and X-Rays to see if she had sustained any injury.

 

Since then she's been acting differently towards me, and I'm starting to think she may be pregnant. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been with her husband sexually for a long time, so if she is pregnant the child is definately mine. I just don't know how, when I always pulled out.

 

The reason I suspect this was because, for a while she was having stomach problems, but she said she didn't feel sick, now I originally thought it was because she has Fibromyalgia and has been getting needles in her back and shoulder every week for the past 5 months, and they were making her sick.

 

Also for the longest time she had no appetite, due to the medication she was on for the Fibormyalgia, but recently she has been eating like crazy.

 

Then the trip to the hospital after the accident, which seems to be when her attitude towards me started to change.

 

I'm getting the impression that she is infact pregnant with my child, and that she has no intention of ever telling me, and that she's probably already jumped back into the sack with her husband and had un-protected sex, so that when she does start showing she can just tell him the baby is his, and he'll have no reason to doubt her.

 

The problem is that I am a good man, I'm with her because she seemed lost in a crappy marriage, and I guess I wanted to save her. I'm just worried that if she is pregnant with my child she isn't going to tell me, and she is going to raise my child with a husband that has neglected his children for years. I want to be part of my childs life if this is the case, and I'm worried she going to break up with me and I'm never going to know I have a child in the world.

 

I do have morals and I know deep down I should break it off with her, but if she is pregnant I don't want to end it and have her think it is because she's pregnant. I have asked her to leave her husband, and so far she hasn't made any kind of decision or even indicated she ever will. So my guess is she's not going to, but if she is carrying my child. I don't want my child to be raised in a loveless household, by a man that neglects his own children. When I am more than willing to raise my child with her.

[jinx55]

Find out if this she is pregnant and if she is find out if it is yours. That is the first thing you have to do. If this women is not respecting you enough to tell you that she is pregnant with your baby then you should move on anyways with her. Granted if it is your kid you need to be there to help raise the kid that goes without saying. The woman you are talking about however if she is hiding it from you I would say move on.

[lady_door]

I just don't know how, when I always pulled out.

 

Now, that sounds really stupid and uneducated when a 16-year-old says it. But when a full grown man still believes it would make any kind of difference.... that's just sad.

 

My advice to you is: talk to her. Tell her what you're thinking and ask her if she's pregnant. Don't drive yourself nuts over this before you really know what's going on.

[whichwayisup]

However, recently her attitude towards me seems to have changed, and it all started when she got in a car accident a couple weeks ago, and had to go to the hospital to get and ultrasound and X-Rays to see if she had sustained any injury.

It is possible that her husband was very supportive during this time and the feelings she buried for him, have resurfaced.

 

You haven't known this woman for all that long and the A is only 4 months old. You have NO clue if she is/has been lying to you about the status of her marriage.

 

Just ask her if she is pregnant. And IF you plan on continuing the A with her, USE CONDOMS.

[Dexter Morgan]

Now I'm going to sound like a bad guy in this forum, but I do need some advice.

 

I am 30yrs old, and I've been having an affair with a married woman for 4 months.

 

I know her relationship with her husband is over. However they still live in the same house, but they do sleep in seperate rooms, and they do not have sex, so far as I know.

 

 

She is much older than me, 43, they were a classic case of, she got pregnant at a young age, 17, and they got married because back than, that's what people did when they got pregnant out of wedlock. Over the next 9 years they had 4 boys the oldest being 25 now and her youngest being 16.

 

Her husband is very distant, and a workaholic whom does nothing for their children and leaves all the responsibility on her.

 

All except the responsibility of making the money that provides for them.

 

but hey, whatever justification you can come up with to validate it in your own mind.

 

 

 

I'm getting the impression that she is infact pregnant with my child, and that she has no intention of ever telling me, and that she's probably already jumped back into the sack with her husband and had un-protected sex, so that when she does start showing she can just tell him the baby is his, and he'll have no reason to doubt her.

 

 

Uh, if she is nothing but a roommate, and has no feelings for her husband, why would she do this? Only things I can think of is the whole justifications she told you about how they are just roommates are probably a load of bunk to mitigate any guilt she has for shagging you. or that damn workaholic is a meal ticket for her and will provide for her baby better than you can.

 

Maybe her relationship with her husband isn't what she makes it out to be? Maybe they are all lies so that you can justify screwing her in your mind. But then again, cheaters are liars by nature.

 

 

The problem is that I am a good man, I'm with her because she seemed lost in a crappy marriage

 

If that was true, then she could use this opportunity to get out and be with you. But if she is trying to make it look as if any baby she might be pregnant with is his, then it must not be all that crappy after all.

 

And you can justify it any way you want, i wouldn't consider myself a good man if I am sticking it to someone elses wife.

 

 

I do have morals

 

and I know deep down I should break it off with her, but if she is pregnant I don't want to end it and have her think it is because she's pregnant. I have asked her to leave her husband, and so far she hasn't made any kind of decision or even indicated she ever will.

 

well why not if the marriage is as crappy as you think it is and as crappy as she'd have you believe?

 

 

 

So my guess is she's not going to, but if she is carrying my child. I don't want my child to be raised in a loveless household, by a man that neglects his own children.

 

 

Why is it that a man that works to provide for his family is seen as neglectful? Is he really neglectful? Or does he just work long hours because that is what is expected of him?

 

Ya think she'd want him and see him as a man if he quit his job and took a job that makes lousy wages just so he can be home at 5pm every day? don't think so.

[lkjh]

Come on!!! How old are you, you believe pulling out can prevent pregnacy and STD's; you also believe she is telling the truth even though she is cheating on her H with the guy she was trying to set her sister up with. She slept with you 3 times and now she wants to cut you loose before her H finds out. By the way according to you account she could be 4 months pregnant and I think her H would realize hes not the father when the baby is born 5 months later in perfect health. You found a cougar that was looking for a little fun on the side and now she wants out.

[O'Malley]

At this point the pregnancy is just speculation. Ask her - but don't expect honesty in such a dishonest situation. If she is pregnant, you have even less control over that situation than you apparently have over the affair - it's all on her terms.

 

Either accept that you remain on the periphery of her life, until one of you grows bored with the other, or make it clear to her that you want to be the only man in her life, not the other man and that the affair is over if she won't get a divorce.

[whichwayisup]

If she is pregnant, it could very well be her husbands baby. She may have told you they sleep in separate bedrooms and they're not having sex, but you do NOT know that for sure. All you have is her word - The word of a woman who is cheating and lying and betraying her husband. Keep that in mind.

 

Another thing to think about - IF her husband finds out about the affair, you WILL be thrown under the bus so fast. She WILL downplay whatever you two shared and make it seem like YOU pursued her and that you are crazy.

[Marcus P.]

Just for the record, even though I am a 30 yr old man, I haven't had much sexual experience. So I honestly thought that pulling out could prevent it. I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 24yrs old, and the woman I'm talking about is only the second woman in my life I have ever had a sexual relationship with.

[zxcirce]

Ask her. . .

[Marcus P.]

Just to verify, I am not saying he is neglectful becaue he works hard. I'm saying he is neglectful because he does nothing for his children. He works normal hours 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and is always home on the weekend. However despite this fact any time one of their children needs something he make his wife do it. She works shift work and keeps crazy hours, there have literally been times when she came home from work at 7am, after working a graveyard shift, on the weekend. Went to bed for an hour and than one of their kids called because he needed something, and her husband got the massage, but instead of going to his child himself, he wakes her up after an hours of sleep, when he's been in bed all night and tells her that one of her children needs something, and get her to take it to him instead of just doing it himself like most fathers would. So no he does not work long hours, he works normal hours and has weekends off all the time.

 

Also he does make more money than me, but not by much, I could care for and support her as well as he can, and with me she would be loved.

[porter218]

I just don't understand why you think that her H is a bad father. Why?? ..just because he works all the time to provide for his kids:confused:? Stop listening to the cr@p that selfish woman is feeding you. Their M is probably a happy one.

[Marcus P.]

Well I've finally heard back from her, and no she is not pregnant. She got her period the other night. It turns out that she had suspected she may be pregnant as well.

 

However this little scare has opened both our eyes, to the difficult choices we would have had to make if that was infact the case.

 

We haven't decided for sure yet, but it looks like this little scare may actually bring about the end of our relationship, because we've both learned and important lesson.

 

She has other problems now, her husband and her have alot of debt, and it turns out that he may loose his job in the new year, and she only works part time. So now I'm worried about her, and if our relationship ended now, and her husband does loose his job, I will feel like I abandoned her, when she needed me most.

[imagine]

Leave married women alone. THAT is where your moral line should begin.

[lady_door]

From what you've said so far... I sincerely doubt that you have a future with this woman.

[Lizzie60]

Methink this woman just used you for a little fun on the side. If she was really in love with you... trust me, she would leave her loveless marriage.

 

As far as her financial state, this has nothing to do with you.. why would you feel responsible? or maybe you can support them both..

[whichwayisup]

You need to end this affair and find a single woman, someone you can grow with, start a life with. Not some married woman who is looking for action on the side. She may very well have feelings for you, possibly love you, but it isn't going anywhere BECAUSE she's married. You are the OM in her life, you fill a need or afew needs that aren't being met at home by her husband. You continue to stay as the OM, you lose out on your own life with someone special.

 

Keep in mind too, when her husband finds out (it's only a matter of time) he WILL more than likely come looking for you, so be prepared to face the heat when he confronts you.

[lovelorcet]

Methink this woman just used you for a little fun on the side. If she was really in love with you... trust me, she would leave her loveless marriage.

 

As far as her financial state, this has nothing to do with you.. why would you feel responsible? or maybe you can support them both..

 

This pretty much sums up your relationship with this woman. I don't want to sound mean but you seem very naive... Stay away from this woman because she will only use and abuse you...

[In Like Flynn]

All you know about her relationship with her husband is from a cheater??? I know you said you are not very experienced....this coupled with the "we haven't been using protection, but I have always pulled out." Statement demonstrates that. Find yourself a unmarried girl that will give you children and won't have all this baggage. For all you know she has had numerous affairs, her husband loves her and treats her great but she is the one with the issues!!! Consider the source!!!

[Marcus P.]

The woman I've been talking about and I have recently had a discussion, about where we go from here.

 

It may not be the outcome that most people would agree with, but here goes.

 

We have decided that our relationship is not going to end, instead we are just going to go back to haveing a Semi-Serious relationship. Meaning, we'll still do everything we've ever done, but we will abstain from vaginal penetration. In every way, except maybe fingers.

 

Basically, neither of us want the relationship to end. So everyone who has said that the reason this is happening now is because she's had her fun with me, and now want's to cut me loose, your wrong.

 

We've just decided to be much more careful, to avoid a pregnancy that could have very bad consequences for both of us, and the best way to do that is the abstinence from the actual act of sexual intercourse.

 

This is the approach we both decided on, that way if things should change in her marriage and she divorces her husband, her and I's relationship will not have grown so far appart that we can never get it back.

 

Now most of you are probably saying, "Even if she does divorce her husband, what makes you think she won't cheat on you as well?"

 

My answer is this: I'm assuming most people that have responded to this post, have either been hurt by an affair in the past, or have possibly even had one of their own, and the mistrust you think I should have for her is as a result of your own anger.

 

The difference is, I know her better than anyone that's responded, I am sure that I was her first affair, and if we end up together, I will be the last. Everyone that does know about us, within our own inner circle of close friends, believes the same thing. That I am her first and last affair regardless of what happens.

 

As for everyone that was riddiculing me for saying that her husband was a bad father, I talked to her oldest son the other day, whom is only 5 years younger than me (yes I do know her oldest son) but he knows nothing about his Mother and I's relationship, he just thinks were close friends. During that talk I heard it from his own mouth, that his Father is never around, and even when he is around, he's always drunk. So it is not just my assumption or my lovers word for it. I got it right from one of her children.

 

I honestly don't know why she stays with him, the only thing I can think of is because her youngest son still lives at home, and knowing her husband won't look after him, she's affraid to leave until such a time as her youngest son is out on his own.

 

However, despite that our relationship is going to continue, her and I both know that she can't be what I want her to be right now. So despite the fact our relationship is going to continue, she has agreed that if someone else comes into my life that I can have the kind of relationship with, that I would like to have with her, and she still can't give it to me, she will let me go, with no ill feelings, and no regrets, because she does love me, and I love her. So she loves me enough, not to hold me back if she can never be what I want her to.

 

So as most people would say, were going to become friends with benefits, until such a time as we can be together in and honest relationship, or I move on with my life.

 

Not the outcome I was hoping for, but it will have to do for now.

 

Thank You to everyone for listening, and giving me advice, but this will likely be the last time I post on this issue.

[Brimstone_Angel]

Here is my advice...

 

You have no right to be there (even if she is pregnant with your child. By law and vows, the husband takes precedence above the other person). If she is pregnant, you need to make sure the child is your's. And you THREE (you, the wife, AND THE HUSBAND) need to determine how this thing is going to work. If she decides not to leave, or he decides she is not going to let her out of the marriage that easy, this is going to affect your possible child. This is going to put stress on her and the baby.

 

So, you should really stop and think about what you are doing. You say you are a moral person, a moral person does not continue to do what is wrong once they are ready to confront what they are doing is wrong. You have to think about what are you going to do to regain your morality. And leaving a married woman alone, does not mean you have to abandon your child. If the child is yours', you need to figure out how all three of you are going to make it through during these next few months and if she does not get divorced, what are you going to do to support that child financially and emotionally.

 

Communication and denying of self is going to help you out here. Being honest to the husband is going to be a big hurdle, but it must be done.

 

Well good luck, and congratulations if you are a father.

[Marcus P.]

This is in responce to Brimstone Angel, you obviously didn't read the entire forum on what I've been writing. Her and I just suspected she was pregnant because of a few things that happened, but it turned out she wasn't.

 

We have decided to abstain from actually having sex, until she decides what she want's to do about her marriage. She is married to a man, that one of her own children said is a Drunk and a Bad Father, and as I said my belief is that the only reason she is still there is because her youngest son still lives at home with them and she is worried about him with the husband, should she leave. My guess is as soon as her youngest son leaves, she'll be close behind him.

 

Until she makes a decision we have decided to keep our relationship casual, and I have a free pass to leave at any time should another woman come into my life.

 

So the affair we had, is over, but were not going to stop seeing eachother because I do love her, and she loves me, she just can't leave her marriage until she knows her son will be alright.

[lady_door]

So the affair we had, is over, but were not going to stop seeing eachother because I do love her, and she loves me, she just can't leave her marriage until she knows her son will be alright.

 

 

I'm sorry, but in my eyes this is utter BS.

 

People seperate or get divorced every day and mostly the children are okay. If her husband was really as bad as you say he is, the kid would even be better off without him around all the time.

 

Fact is, she doesn't WANT TO leave her husband, for whatever reason. And why would she? You are there anyway, it's convenient, she can have whatever she wants with you and still keep her family intact.

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry things have worked out this way but she's not making any promises to you, and seems very locked into her marriage for some reason. People live in misery with one another for years, often all their lives. It's not uncommon at all. It's a mistake to think that they'll leave that situation, especially after that many years. Her marriage and all it's problems is second-nature to her now.

 

There's no basis for you to feel that you're deserting her in a time of need. It is really she who has deserted you. Their problems are their problems. I'm sure they've been through worse so let them deal with it. If she leaves her marriage, great. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. I believe she's fine with the way things are in her marriage becuase there's a whole life and family that revolves around a 25-yr marriage. It's not always just about the couple, so if a person is looking for a reason to stay, 25 yrs and that whole life orbiting it is as good of a reason as anything.

 

You need to walk away from this, sweetie. This is not something you want to get involved any deeper in.

[ladyintights]

I don't know why you go around driving another man's old buick and worse than that, you refrain from using a seatbelt!

Doesn't this woman know better as well? Her son is almost your age! You both are gallivanting around in front of her family- have you no shame? Wait until the drunkard of a husband finds out and all her sons!!