Ruby Slippers Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Deep thoughts today are making me want to reach out to my ex tonight, so I thought it might be helpful to come write here instead. I broke up with him two months ago, and have had absolutely no contact since we gave our stuff back to each other a few days afterward. Since then, I have been giving a lot of time and attention to my own personal growth, identifying my problematic patterns and making gradual changes in my life so that I will be better prepared to find a suitable and compatible love and handle it well in the future. I am reading a few books recommended to me by older and wiser people in my life -- the kind of books that are so rich with wisdom and good information that you have to take it in slowly, in hopes you can better internalize it -- and they are really opening my eyes to my own shortcomings and mistakes in the relationship. Tonight, I am feeling sad that it didn't work out most of all because we were both too young, immature, and unwise to do everything right -- or to do enough right. At the same time, I am proud of myself for committing to this personal growth, and doing the work necessary to become a more mature and self-reliant person. The more I learn, the more I feel a sense of freedom -- freedom from the mainstream constraints the world tries to shackle you with, freedom from following the pack down a path of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, freedom to be exactly who I am in the way that has meaning for me. When my ex and I started to have problems in the relationship, he said to me, "I know that I am still emotionally immature, but I don't want that to break us apart." That was a wise thing to say. Now and then I recall the very wise things he said sometimes. Once when I was trying to run away and ignore a painful subject he said very lovingly and intently, "We have to communicate. It's when communication breaks down that the relationship breaks down." Of course, I have to bear in mind that though he said he was willing to see a counselor alone or with me (to work through problems bigger than us, as my counselor recommended we do), when I presented him with that reality, he became evasive and somewhat avoidant. We both made a lot of mistakes. I am realizing that neither of us made those mistakes to hurt the other intentionally. I only ever wanted to bring good things to his life, and I know he felt the same way. We made those mistakes because we are human, flawed, works in progress. It is hard to accept that your own shortcomings (and the other person's) cause you to lose someone you love. But that's life. I accept that life is painful. Every life has a balance of joy and pain. I just wanted to put my thoughts down here.
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