hermit Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Hi again everyone... Not doing too good right now so thought i'd come back here cause you guys really helped me through my breakup. It's been seven months since my bf of 2 years, love of my life, suddenly dumped me.I don't want to blab on for ages... Any of you who have read my threads will know we live in a small town, are both musicians in the alternative music scene here - he is also a promoter and has a hell of a lot of connections on the scene. When we split up, I had to, in order to protect myseld, stop going out, because the live music etc that i enjoy would have involved seeing him. So I just immersed myself in my studies (I also study music) and have been pretty much working all day every day. I don't have any friends - I just used to have aquaintaces on the scene, so i'ts been lonely, but I've been getting used to it. I even met up with my ex once and he's the only person I really trust and get on with, so rather than being a negative experience, it was actually really nice. Now, tonight I had a gig with my band, organised by my ex. I was looking forward to it, as last time I met up with him it was such a good experience. I still love him with all my heart... And tonight was just too much. For one, I saw that he is still constantly surrounded by admirers, people who used to hang out with me too... He is not lonely, in fact he is carrying on exactly as before, whereas my life has been turned on it's head. He was really nice, and bought me a drink... Then he gave me a little silver heart. I was trying not to let my emotions show and just played cheerful. Then the girl he was seeing after he dumped me turned up and for the rest of the night he pretty much ignored me. I was dancing with my band to one of the other bands that were playing, and he got up on stage... I had to pack my things and leave as I couldn't bear it anymore, seeing the man I love so much, in the situation where we first met and spent our relationship. I just wanted to crawl back into my hole and wished I'd never left it. I still feel like I did when I first met him. Like a lovestruck teenager... I can't even do what I love doing and have done all my life, for fear of seeing him and making the heartbreak worse and worse... Need help........
immizunderstood Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Try using the feelings you have now to write songs. I bet they will propel to greatness. You'll be turning your negative into positives while healing. You should also try connecting with people without having your wall up that way your future relationships/friendships can begin on an authentic note. God Bless everything will be okay!
Author hermit Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thanks for your kind words immizunderstood... Maybe one day I will write some music about this, but at the moment I feel paralyzed. I was ok as long as I was hiding, but to see him, and all the people who I thought were my friends... To see how I was just replaced, like I didn't matter. As for having a "wall up", I didn't used to be like this, quite the opposite actually, but after pretty much every person that I've ever trusted has backstabbed me and/or left me (this also applies to platonic friends), I cannot trust anyone. I was bullied as a kid and never had any friends until a few years ago, but then I realised "friends" are just people who use you for their own purposes and then disappear out of your life when they get bored, same with partners... Maybe I'm just better on my own because that's what I was used to growing up. Aaaargh, sorry, I sund like a stupid sorry-for-myself idiot... Sorry, actually I just came on here to say thanks for your reply... Thanks
Jamez123 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 hmm i don't understand that, why would he buy you a drink and give you a silver heart? Surely if he doesn't love you and doesn't wanna be with you, he wouldn't give you little romantic gifts and buy you drinks
Author hermit Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 James, that's a really sweet thought. But he was just drunk that's all, i know him well enough to know it meant nothing. A couple of weeks after he split with me, he went on holidays, which was really painful for me as I'd been saving up for more than a year in order to take him on holidays and he'd always made excuses. It was only later I found out he went with another girl. Well, I don't think they're actually together, but when she turned up at the gig, his attention was instantly diverted from me to her. He can be really sweet, but... It makes me wonder how much this relationship ever meant to him...
LittleDove Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Hi Hermit, That must totally suck babe. Is there any chance of taking time for some travel?? get away... I mean a year spent OS, you really need to get out of that small town. I have a friend from Australia, where im from, who went through a break up, (she is a musican too) she is now based in LA and is recovering nicley. Get this, her bf of 10 years went OS to record an album, and also managed to get a girl pregnant. My poor poor friend HAD to leave town. I lived on an island, and I 'get' how small it can be and isolating, i imagine alot like a small town. Other than that- be fantasic. Concerntrate on YOU, and writing 'should ' flow while you are in emotional pain, pick up a pen and write.. maybe soon he will be blown away, watching YOU shine, and perform.. Im thinking of you! Big cities can be just as small in the alternative scene.. chin up!
Author hermit Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thanks LittleDove... Funny you should say that, after I spent about a month crying and not eating, I felt this massive urge to go somewhere, like, REALLY far away... India maybe... But I'm stuck here, I'm doing a insanely demanding 4-year university degree. which is a good thing, because it keeps me busy 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. My parents live abroad, so I spend summer and xmas with them. It's kind of a wierd life, spending all day every day studying, and then 3 weeks with mum and dad, and then back to studying, with nothing else in between. It's like having no connection to your surroundings and being in this weird surreal bubble... Ah, but when I graduate, I will go to india. Indian music is amazing
immizunderstood Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 Usually when relationships don't work it is mainly because there is an imbalance. I was bullied as a kid, had friends later in life all of which tried to control me. I started to notice until recently that it was I who was putting more effort into the relationships. I was doing most of the giving and I either wasn't allowing the other half to give to me or they weren't interested enough to reciprocate. Either way those relationships no longer served a purpose. Try to develop future relationships with people who are more on the same wave length. Create more of a balanced relationship so that resentment may not be allowed to enter. Keeping that wall up will block all your blessings.
immizunderstood Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 You'll know when fear is knocking at your door because it keeps you from all the people who are willing to give you the love and support you need right now. Go outside, feel the air on your skin, buy some fresh flowers and be happy to be alive. Write a letter and pour out all the negative thoughts you have for any and everyone. Release every bit of pain in that letter. Once you're done burn it. Let the pain go and start anew. You'll feel refreshed just by releasing all that negative energy that has been consuming your body. You'll get through this, you just have to open yourself up for change.
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