What would it look like to you

[amandaparker503]

So been split for 4 months now.

I wake up and i dont think of him (Never would believe that possible)

I see him twice a week at a class and i have so much fun with mates that i laugh and smile(never thought that would happen again) and its all great.

He doenst contact me and i dont him and i just try and move on and live in hope that one day he will come back.

 

So what the friggin hell is this week all about. I have to contact him to tell him i can not make the club grading for my kickboxing belt and ask when i could do it so not to fall behind, while i was at it i asked for a reference for a job (i used to work for him ) and some paperwork of mine back. Ok i was very formal and to point. I was not happy to contact him as 2 weeks prior to this i found out his was on myspace chatting up , maybe cheating on me with girls , during the time we were together. My last contact with him was a very abusive email telling him what an angel he was not, as you can imagine!

 

Any way he replied very much formal again and started the email, in reference to your request !lol and signed it regards Ian and the name of his company! I was shocked. It was like i was a client, not an ex, like he never knew me and it hurt!

Why did it hurt , after all the mean things he has done to me , he still hurt me? I was so mad at him and he hurt me again.

 

So we arrange that i will do my grading with him, dont know when and i am worried it will be a one on one. I asked him to try and clear the air, if it was ok to give my fitness a overhaul ...3 days later no reply...I saw him though and for the first time in months, he actually joked with me, the guys in our club were messing with me and he joined it. Weird. Trying not to read into it, but he actually had a look in his eye that i see as a slight feeling. But then again i want to see that right?

 

So since then i have just fallen to bits again, crying all weekend, why? I thought i had go through this crap. I even text him last night about some final fight we used to watch together, a load of crap about how good it was...no reply!

 

I am a sucker. No reply means GET LOST , Cheating on me means GET LOST , We wont ever get back together means GET LOST .

Why oh why do i think i know him and know how much he loves me so he will come back.

Why do i get moments when all i do is focus on the few days before the split when he wanted my kids etc...I know it is all a load of crap and people change, but it just doesnt seem to sink in ...or maybe it has and i am just having a weak moment.

 

I dont know, but can i ask, the silly contact i made with him , requesting fitness review and the daft one last night about the fight, have i now shown him i still care? I think the way he totally cant talk to me and blanks me shows me he still cares, as if you didnt give a dam about someone anymore and had moved on , would you be able to talk to them as you wouldnt care what they thought?

I told him 2 weeks ago i wished i never met him , then i text him , what the hell.

 

Confused. Angry with myself and sick and tired of this rollercoster ride , i want to get off and just win a teddy bear and eat chips and candy floss! lol

[sedgwick]

At four months I was still grieving so deeply I had trouble eating. It's okay to backslide. It's okay to cry. You're doing way better than I ever did.

 

He was formal with you because you were formal with him. Simple as that.

 

Is there any way you can take your exam with someone else? If you do have to kickbox him, GO FOR IT. Seriously, kick the holy living hell out of him. Talk about catharsis!!

[immizunderstood]

Everytime you want to contact him think about all the crap he's done to you. Evoke those feelings so you could use better judgement next time.

[amandaparker503]

At four months I was still grieving so deeply I had trouble eating. It's okay to backslide. It's okay to cry. You're doing way better than I ever did.

 

 

I seem to be backsliding really bad. I have just spent today crying and upset.

I dont understand why he has to hurt me so much.

I emailed him on Wednesday , text him on Saturday. I have not heard anything from him at all.

I find it rude and insulting. I have never been nasty to him, i am not a rude person either.

I dont understand him. At the club , he is suddenly giving me more help and even messed around with me on Thursday , yet he wont reply to any communication with me.

Is this a way of him telling me to just get lost? I mean do i look stupid or what? I left him alone for months then all of a sudden two contacts withing days , i havent pledged my un dying love, but i am sure being a guy he can work out that i am making contact for one reason only?

I feel so dumb and my pride is hurt again.

I mean how much control can i give him, i had control after finding out the myspace crap and i went mad at him, now i have given him control back as i asked him to re-write my fitness programme.

 

When will i stop missing him. When will he actually be nice to me. I dont deserve this, he was the one who was loved up to the max with me and now it is like I am a god dam stranger.

 

This hurts like hell